I want to spend time with just my DCs

[HowDeepIsYourGlove]

I have 2 DCs from a previous relationship and so does DP. I work full time, long days so don’t get any quality time with my DCs during the week.
They’re still small so by the time I’ve collected them from the childminder after work it’s straight home to dinner, bath and then bedtime within an hour and a half. Weekdays seem such a rush and I miss them terribly. I also share custody with their dad so I only get two weekends a month to really spend time with them.
DP has his DCs a couple of weekdays for dinner and every other weekend. Our weekends with the kids are not the same, which before worked great because it meant we could focus on one set of children at a time.

However, recently DP has started working nights which means we don’t see each other at all in the week as he’s left for work before I get home from work. He’s still seeing his DCs for dinner in the week as he drops them home on his way into his shift.

My problem is I plan things for my DCs on the weekends I have them, nice activities that I want to enjoy doing with them and make memories and all of that cheesy stuff. However, DP keeps trying to invite himself and his DCs onto these things without asking me if I’m ok with it or if we want them there.

I’m very conscious of the fact our children haven’t chosen each other, we have, and that they still need one on one time with their respective parents. DP seems to get all the one on one time he wants with his DCs on his weekends but he has now started having them almost every weekend (their DM is very relaxed about contact) which means they’re always trying to tag along with us and it’s causing arguments between DP and I.

Last night, for example, I booked in advance and took my DCs to a Halloween disco at our local social club. Whilst there DP rang me and said “I haven’t seen you all week, can I come by for a beer”. Sure that’s fine.
Next thing I know he’s talking about “Oh I can’t get old oh DC2, not sure if she’s coming now”.

I was like “What? No. I’m spending time with my DCs. It’s my weekend with them”.
His DD would have had to stay over due to how late it finished and I just want to spend one on one time with my children.
DP gets his DC all to himself next weekend, I’ll make myself scarce for the whole it Saturday so they’ve got daddy to themselves and my DCs are at my Ex’s etc and I wish he’d offer us the same courtesy.

I’m not asking him to spend time with us without his DCs there before I get flamed, I’m happy to have my DCs all to myself and actually really enjoy it that way at times. If he wants to join us for a bit that’s fine but it’s certainly not asked of him.

I also spend time with his DCs without mine there so I’m more than fair in that regard.

I just feel he is forcing his DC into my plans all the time. It’s meant to be his DC weekend with their mum but we’ve been invited to PIL house for dinner so we’ve got them all day Sunday, I’m then taking my DC to a fireworks display which I’ve pre-bought tickets for.
DP asked to come with us, fine, but again he’s already saying “Oh but DSDs would love it, can we get them tickets?”
It’s relentless.

If I explain, no I don’t want them there he accuses me of being uncaring or mean to them. I’m not stopping him seeing them, he can go off and do whatever he likes with them but the weekends I have my DCs on their own I want it to stay that way. We have his DCs all next weekend on their own, currently they’re getting tons of time with dad.

How do I make him see how unfair he’s being? My DCs need time with their mummy on their own and that’s ok, isn’t it?

I'd feel the same as you OP. It's tricky though, as your DP feels differently, and it's not that he's 'wrong' exactly but just that you have different approaches to this issue.

Have you talked to him about this? Not about one specific occasion (when he says 'I'll bring my DC along too') but in a more general way? What does he say?

@CalleighDoodle we do blend, we have a weekend a month when we’re altogether, one weekend a month each with our respective DCs and one kid free weekend as it currently stands.
On the weekend we have all the DCs we plan fun days out and do nice things as a family. DP gets to do lovely things with his DCs on the weekend we have just his DCs.

Am I not allowed the same?

In step families it’s always emphasised how important it is for children to spend time with their bio parent. That’s what I’m trying to do, have a balance so my DCs and DP’s DCs don’t feel there’s always other people there when they want to spend time with their parent.

The disco and fireworks events though would require SDCs to stay over too so it isn’t just the event, because they’re late in the evening.

Sounds a bit cruel leaving his DC out and not getting tickets to events for the other DC if you know your dp will be with his DC and it's something they would enjoy.
Surely if you and dp are in a serious long-term relationship you would be interested and trying to 'blend' your families more and make sure the DC interact and get to know each other.
Dps children will realise they are being left out of going to events and will likely grow up to resent you.

I wasn’t criticising your activities, I was trying to help you to compromise so he didn’t always want to tag along and you both win.
Just tell him no it’s mummy bonding time and if he wants to go with his then you’re going separately. Or don’t tell him in advance so he can’t do it.

@SeaSidePebbles we do live together

@Spied how is it cruel to assume on the weekend they are supposed to be with their DM that they would actually be with their DM? I booked for me and my DCs then DP asked if I could get him a ticket, I said ok, now he wants everyone to go and yet again my time out with my kids is being hijacked.

@MissBPotter really? I should cut back my working days to suit the fact my DP wants his kids to come to everything just so I can have more time with my children alone. I have a career to support my children, I will not be made to feel guilty about working full time to support them.

Ok:).
Look, I live with DP too. I would never say to him: no, your DD can’t come and stay as she pleases. It’s his house too. And I really don’t mind.
But, if I already had plans, they can do their own stuff, I’m doing mine. I too make myself scarce on Saturdays, to give them time alone. Because otherwise DP will just look at me asking what are we doing today. And I want them to spend time together.

I think you’re being unfair tbh.

You were more than happy to let your partner go but as soon as his kids are suddenly your time alone with your kids is hijacked? No, that’s not how it works.

I don’t know why you’re in a relationship tbh. You don’t see each other and you want to spend every weekend alone with your kids. There seems to be no give or take.

I think you have to try to blend a bit more. Discos and firework displays are ideal things to do together and any parent would want to bring there kids to these events. I honestly think it is a bit off you aren’t asking him if his kids would be interested at the time of booking.

Ok I just read your:

‘ HowDeepIsYourGlove

@CalleighDoodle we do blend, we have a weekend a month when we’re altogether, one weekend a month each with our respective DCs and one kid free weekend as it currently stands.
On the weekend we have all the DCs we plan fun days out and do nice things as a family. DP gets to do lovely things with his DCs on the weekend we have just his DCs.

Am I not allowed the same?’ Comment.

I still agree. You’re being unfair.

Dh, we need to have a conversation about the children, you enjoy and prioritise daddy days with your children. And I want to do the same, evenings don't count so my weekends are my mummy days with my dc. We'll still have the joint days once a month

If he asks again, sorry it's mummy day.

I think you sound like a wonderful mum who has her DC’s best interests at heart. I think you are making the right decision to prioritise time alone with your own children (you’re right - they didn’t choose each other).

I'd say no to your dp tagging along then it can't end up with everybody there.

The fireworks display is probably a bad example as they are big public events. I don't think you would have had negative comments if it was something smaller you were going to.

Your partner can't have it all his way, if he wants his children over extra then fair enough, but he needs to plan things and not just crash your plans.

So surprised at all the posts saying the OP is being unfair and cruel! Usually on step parenting posts there is a lot of advice about not blending too early, making sure the DC have quality time with their parent etc.

The irony is he is always harping on about having one on one time with his kids or saying “They need a daddy day so we’re going bowling/swimming/cinema” and there fine.

What does he say when you point this out?

I’m with you op. I’d want to preserve as much time as I can without the other children there, and also my partner too. Having them all there just changes all the dynamics.

You’re allowed quality time with just your DC, especially in “step sibling” situations and they don’t even share the same dad.

@Duchessofealing but why should we not do fun things? DP’s DCs do fun things with their mum?

Sounds a bit cruel leaving his DC out and not getting tickets to events for the other DC if you know your dp will be with his DC and it's something they would enjoy.

What utter nonsense. ! How is it 'cruel' ? Or do we have to suppose that a mother trying to focus on her own children is 'cruel' when the SC have a father ENTIRELY ABLE to book tickets for any activity he fancies..

He sounds like he lacks any imagination for activities beyond bowling and swimming and wants to hang out with you guys because you have the better ideas..

Personally OP - and I say this as someone who has been a blended family with 3 dc and 5 dsc for 15 years (3 of which have lived with us for 8 years) ... you need to live together and BE a family. When you or he book outings just say 'will yours want to come, let me know now as I'm getting tickets' (for a Public event such as Fireworks, disco etc) OR say at the start... 'I'm taking my dc to the ballet/ pantomime, etc as I want some 121 time.

If you can't do that/he doesn't want that. Then your best option is to live in separate households where you see your partner when both of you are free of children.

What about all the posts on here about how dads should have plenty of quality time with just their DC?

Quite ironic how it’s a mum and she’s being called cruel and unfair for doing the exact same thing people would expect a dad to do.

Next time I see a comment about how a dad should be spending lots of time alone with his kids because his kids need that time with him, I’ll link this thread. 👍🏼

It sounds like you have a good arrangement in place in theory with each set of DC so if you speak to DP I'd start with this point and say that you want to stick to it.

The confusion seems to be coming from him inviting himself and then once you've said yes adding his DC, so maybe that's the point you need to say, no, they need some Mummy time but look forward to seeing you when we get back from x activity.

I think you are doing absolutely the right thing in giving your children your time and not expecting them to do all the “fun things” with your DP and his children. I would have a chat with your DP and explain you want “your” time with your DC and if he hasn’t been invited then please don’t ask!!

Okay so not a SP but I do have 3 kids and we do try and do things with them 1v1. I wouldn't book something like a firework display for a 1v1. I might take 1 kid to something they really love and the others are wishy washy about or even if the others like it too, I might take 1 kid and leave the other 2 with their dad. Or 2 kids and leave the other for 1v1 with their dad. My point is that I wouldn't do it for something that is "whole family" oriented.

My goodness a lot of people who aren't reading the original post properly!

OP I don't think you're being unreasonable at all! It is important to have time with just you and your DC. I think the approach that a PP mentioned about your DC having a Mummy Day/ Mummy Time is good!

My parents divorced and my dad had a girlfriend with two children and it used to really annoy me that they were always there when he had us (his three DC) two weekends a month but then got time with him also the two weekends we weren't there. I felt a lot of resentment towards the children ( just want to point out I was around 10 years old) and would just sit up in my room for most of the time. His girlfriend thought I should be made to socialise with them. I think that was part of why they broke up eventually.

If you haven't already just sit down with your DP and say that your weekend with your DC is your time. If you go to an event and you and your DC want DSC to go then you will invite them. Reiterate that you think it's important for one on one time which is why you make yourself scarce Saturday day when he has his children. And also point out that they do have time all together already one weekend a month. Good luck. Sounds like he's just not thinking about it properly! X

For what it’s worth, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all and what you’re trying to achieve would have a good balance.

Also just wanted to add the girlfriend didn't live with him. She would bring her DC over when we were there.