I want to spend time with just my DCs

[HowDeepIsYourGlove]

I have 2 DCs from a previous relationship and so does DP. I work full time, long days so don’t get any quality time with my DCs during the week.
They’re still small so by the time I’ve collected them from the childminder after work it’s straight home to dinner, bath and then bedtime within an hour and a half. Weekdays seem such a rush and I miss them terribly. I also share custody with their dad so I only get two weekends a month to really spend time with them.
DP has his DCs a couple of weekdays for dinner and every other weekend. Our weekends with the kids are not the same, which before worked great because it meant we could focus on one set of children at a time.

However, recently DP has started working nights which means we don’t see each other at all in the week as he’s left for work before I get home from work. He’s still seeing his DCs for dinner in the week as he drops them home on his way into his shift.

My problem is I plan things for my DCs on the weekends I have them, nice activities that I want to enjoy doing with them and make memories and all of that cheesy stuff. However, DP keeps trying to invite himself and his DCs onto these things without asking me if I’m ok with it or if we want them there.

I’m very conscious of the fact our children haven’t chosen each other, we have, and that they still need one on one time with their respective parents. DP seems to get all the one on one time he wants with his DCs on his weekends but he has now started having them almost every weekend (their DM is very relaxed about contact) which means they’re always trying to tag along with us and it’s causing arguments between DP and I.

Last night, for example, I booked in advance and took my DCs to a Halloween disco at our local social club. Whilst there DP rang me and said “I haven’t seen you all week, can I come by for a beer”. Sure that’s fine.
Next thing I know he’s talking about “Oh I can’t get old oh DC2, not sure if she’s coming now”.

I was like “What? No. I’m spending time with my DCs. It’s my weekend with them”.
His DD would have had to stay over due to how late it finished and I just want to spend one on one time with my children.
DP gets his DC all to himself next weekend, I’ll make myself scarce for the whole it Saturday so they’ve got daddy to themselves and my DCs are at my Ex’s etc and I wish he’d offer us the same courtesy.

I’m not asking him to spend time with us without his DCs there before I get flamed, I’m happy to have my DCs all to myself and actually really enjoy it that way at times. If he wants to join us for a bit that’s fine but it’s certainly not asked of him.

I also spend time with his DCs without mine there so I’m more than fair in that regard.

I just feel he is forcing his DC into my plans all the time. It’s meant to be his DC weekend with their mum but we’ve been invited to PIL house for dinner so we’ve got them all day Sunday, I’m then taking my DC to a fireworks display which I’ve pre-bought tickets for.
DP asked to come with us, fine, but again he’s already saying “Oh but DSDs would love it, can we get them tickets?”
It’s relentless.

If I explain, no I don’t want them there he accuses me of being uncaring or mean to them. I’m not stopping him seeing them, he can go off and do whatever he likes with them but the weekends I have my DCs on their own I want it to stay that way. We have his DCs all next weekend on their own, currently they’re getting tons of time with dad.

How do I make him see how unfair he’s being? My DCs need time with their mummy on their own and that’s ok, isn’t it?

Funnily enough tonight we are kid free for a bit as my DC’s grandparents have asked if they can have them for a couple of hours to take them to a relative’s party.DP jumped on this when he realised and said he’ll invite his DC’s over. Which again is absolutely fine but I’ve made plans to have dinner with friends which he is now huffy about “But DCs are coming over now and will be disappointed you’re not here

He sounds like he wants you to be a childminder to his kids.

he just doesn’t seem to grasp the concept that I may want to spend time with them on my own

Of course he does! When he argues back, gets defensive and blaming, it is because his dcs needs and HIS needs trump yours. The dcs mum complies with his needs to adjust contact and he can't understand why you aren't also complying.

Once you understand this then his reactions make more sense. If he keeps pushing for what you don't want it isn't because he doesn't understand it's because he wants it his way. Pulling the "you don't like my dcs" is a weak and destructive card that he shouldn't use because if it is the case then you shouldn't be in their lives. I would call his bluff if he uses that card.

I think you need to start with his inability to take criticism/accept another person's point of view. Deal with that issue first (or decide what the alternative is).

Then state bluntly "I want to have some time with just my DC".
Don't negotiate. Just state this as something that you want.

Don't give up your solo time with your dcs. You will regret it later in life as your children get one shot of childhood.

If you are afraid to assert your needs because of his reaction, for some alone time with your dc, then that is a big issue in your relationship.

You have your kids and he has his.
You don't live together and you shouldn't have to look after his kids, nor should he have to look after yours.
Time for blending is when you are getting married/ living together as partners.

OP, I would try again to outline what you want/need here and if he doesn’t get it you may have to just stop inviting him to things for a while to get the break in behaviour.

But you are definitely being completely reasonable so don’t doubt yourself.

@Drabarni. The OP has said, more than once, that they live together

@HowDeepIsYourGloveWhat about turning it around and using your 1 weekend for all, 1 for none, etc structure to show what this looks like for the dc and their downtime at weekends.

For for DP DCs this equals one weekend spent with just their dad, 2 weekends spent with just their mum (or is there a partner there? Is that what’s going on - his ex and her DP have the kids together? Anyway..) and 1 weekend with their dad, their stepmum and their step siblings.

Your kids have.. 2 weekends with their dad (and partner?), 1 weekend with mum, step dad and step siblings and .... drum roll ... 1 weekend remaining to enjoy time with their mum.

Surely he can see from your kids’ point of view that they are missing out if they have to share their mum with other people on their only given free weekend together? Make it about the kids and parity for them, rather than what you want.

Also do put your foot down about age appropriate stuff. There is nothing more joy-sucking than older siblings taking over or criticising or wanting to do things their way so the littlies don’t get a look in. And that’s not about allowing kids to be spoilt, when the older dc are being given their own opportunities for age-appropriate fun.

I think this is showing an issue in your relationship that isnt really to do with the children. If you feel wary of broaching a perfectly reasonable topic with him that is a huge red flag.

The way he put his kids disappointment on to you as a way to get you to change your plans is another red flag.

You have balanced the needs of all the children. He has sorted out his needs only but wrapped them up under the disguise of his childrens needs.

Please be careful.

I think some people are missing the point here that the OP booked tickets for the fireworks display on a weekend with the step children were supposed to be with their mother. She didn't deliberately exclude them by not buying tickets for them. They weren't even around!

I don't think that there is anything wrong with wanting to spend time on your own with your children. Just be clear with him, he likes to spend time with his children on his own and you like to do the same.

I really don't understand though why he suddenly needed to have his children over just because yours were gone to their grandparents for a few hours? That is kind of strange. Why couldn't he just spend some time himself or spend some time with you?