Guy with kids and always coming last

[Henley36]

I’m dating a guy with 2 children, 7 and 9 yr old girls.
I knew he had children when I met him but I’m struggling so much with always coming last in his life. I know children come first and it’s right that they do, but every opportunity he has he takes them away on holiday to stay in nice hotels. I get messages about how beautiful the hotel is and how lovely the pool is but the problem is he never takes me 😔
He’s been divorced about 6 years and I don’t think he has had a serious/ meaningful relationship in that time. So I understand why the girls were the ones he took away and planned holidays with but now we are together and he says he loves me, how do I tell him how unwanted I feel without sounding like a total bitch and a spoiled brat?
It’s making me resent his kids because I feel he should be wanting to take me away to nice places and spend time with me but instead I get snatched half days here and there as he constantly has his children.
It’s easy to say to leave and find someone without baggage (we’ve only been together 5 months) but I love him and really care for him.
He also constantly ‘makes mistakes’ with scheduling and making plans but rather than sort things out it’s always me he cancels - never anyone else.
I just want to figure out a way to make him see that i need attention too.
Or am I kidding myself and it will always be this way and I have to lump it or leave......

You say yourself it's absolutely right his kids come first.
He should also be taking them away. He sounds like an involved parent who is taking his responsibility as a dad seriously.

If this was a situation where "kids come first" was code for "ex comes first because he drops everything at her beck and call" then you'd have grounds for a chat.

But it sounds to me that you're not ready for a relationship with a man who has children. There's nothing wrong there OP and I'm certainly not criticising you, but I think you and he have different priorities.

It's been five months! Maybe try talking to him about a night away after Christmas for the two of you, that you both contribute to.

Him paying to take his children to nice holidays certainly doesn't equate to him being obligated to do the same for you at this stage in the relationship.

I thought you were going to say years then you would have a right to moan but it's been 5 months thata nothing! You never to lower you're expectations

I agree some time alone is important but what do you mean exactly by "him taking me away to nice places"? Don't 2 adults just go away together rather than one taking the other?

5 months together and you expect him to take you on a nice holiday in nice hotels? He might have said that he loves you but he obviously wants to take things very slowly and rightly so.

A relationship without children can start off quite quickly without too much collateral if things go wrong, but it's another thing when you have children.

Sadly, if you are going to want to build something with him, you'll have to accept that he wants to takes things much slower than you.

It sounds like you simply aren’t suited to having a partner who has children.

I’ve been on two holidays abroad with my son in the last few months, if my boyfriend was jealous of that he would become an ex fairly swiftly.

I’m a single parent, I have a boyfriend (8 months so early days), I would love be able to go away with him etc, but as a parent it just isn’t really a possibility. We have managed one night away in that time, but it was a coincidence that my cousin was having my son while I went to an event and my boyfriend was free that weekend.

I love my boyfriend very much, but I will always be a Dad first and a boyfriend second.

He sounds like a lovely dad. What good man would drop his kids for some woman he's been dating for 5 months?

Here we go again with the bashing of any woman who raises an issue/query about being with a man with kids!
@Henley36 - what I would say to you is this: 5 months in your bf is doing nothing wrong in putting his kids first. He is entitled to do this & to keep doing this if he so wishes. What he is NOT entitled to do is tell you he loves you, raise your expectations as to the status of your relationship in so doing, & then relegate you to snatched half days! It sounds to me like you're in a relationship but he's just dating & telling you what you want to hear to keep you onside.
You are entitled to ask him how he sees your 'relationship' progressing & you are also entitled to tell him how you would like it to progress. If you aren't both on the same page let it go. But don't hang on in there hoping it will change if he's basically a guy who wants to enjoy his kids & date in his spare time. There's nothing wrong with that but it doesn't sound like it's what you want & despite all the naysayers on here you are perfectly right to also want what YOU want.

@Magda72 thank you.
I was just looking for some advice on how best to raise it with him without sounding unreasonable.
I don’t expect him to drop his kids now or ever but surely if people want to have a serious relationship then things in their existing ‘single’ life need to adjust. I’m not sure it’s reasonable that every sacrifice is from my side. Just because someone has kids doesn’t absolve them from compromising in a relationship.

I agree with your last post entirely op, but your use of the words "take me away to nice places" betrays a resentment that goes beyond the spending of just time.

5 months is such a short amount of time - I think you're being a bit unrealistic with your expectations.

How you raise things in a productive way with a partner depends on a whole lot of variables, including their personality (and yours).

What's he like as a person? Does he rattle through a conversation, or does he like thinking time? (For example.)

Does he feel guilty about divorcing when the DC were just a baby and toddler? Or is he quite grounded about it all? What do think about that?

Tbh, you do sound a little bit passive in your post, OP, as though you are waiting for him to change things because he's magically seen the light, and/or you can say the magic words. However, this is probably how he wants things to be. If it's not for you, then it's best to realise that early on, for your own sake.

You just sound horribly jealous.

5 months in and wanting him to take you on nice holidays instead of his daughters (or with them) is a red flag in your behaviour. I think you are far, far too invested too early in this relationship and need to back off a bit for your own good. What is the rest of your life like? Do you have friends / family?

You are fundamentally misunderstanding the parent-child relationship, OP. He hasn’t been taking his daughters on holiday because he’s been single for six years, he’s been taking them on holiday because they’re his children, and if you can afford it, taking your children on holiday is a normal thing to do. You seem to see his spending time with his children as a symptom of his ‘single life’, but his relationship status is irrelevant as regards his being a parent. And you forget, you’re jot asking your boyfriend to ‘compromise’, you’re asking two children to compromise and spend less time with their father.

And five months is for most people far too early to let a girlfriend meet young children, so you going with them on holiday is not an option.

I don’t think you get it, OP. I’d move on and find someone without children. Or, of course, someone who has children he hardly ever sees.

What he is NOT entitled to do is tell you he loves you, raise your expectations as to the status of your relationship in so doing, & then relegate you to snatched half days!
I totally disagree with this. Telling someone you love them doesn't mean that you are raising the status of your relationship to taking that person away to nice places instead of your children.

He might very well indeed love OP, but want to take it very slow. What is wrong with that? What would be wrong is if he was making promises to OP about going away and then retracting on them, but it doesn't sound like he is doing so, he is just not prepare to spend his money on taking OP on nice holidays instead of his children after only 5 months together.

He is clearly a very involved dad who enjoys his kids' company, which is great. He loves OP, enjoys his company, is most likely imagining them growing stronger and indeed doing more committed things together at some point, just not yet.

I think like most people, OP is accustomed to a guy who quickly makes his second family his default while the older children from a previous relationship play a walk-in role. So he would be going on holiday with the OP and the girls come along rather than the OP joining them on their holiday. She isn't wrong. That's what usually happens. The man automatically puts his resources into the new family (and the government encourage this by reducing CM for SC or additional kids with the new partner). This man hasn't followed that path and it is confusing for her. Women are taught that a man who is into you will create his nest with you and distance himself from his old family to show he has moved on.

Hi Henley,
How often does he 'officially' have his children? Is it 50/50? And how is he taking them on so many holidays? Are they being taken out of school?

I agree with you - there should be compromises and this sounds like it's going to be an uphill struggle for you if his life is already like this and he doesn't give you a second thought. I hate it when people say 'my kids are my priority and come first'. It seems such a basic and unnecessary thing to say and a misplaced proud boast. Everyone needs balance in their lives and you need balance in your relationship. I'd imagine he will be defensive however you branch the subject as he probably enjoys being 'the best dad ever'. It's not particularly healthy for children to think they're number 1 all the time and they need to understand that too. I despair of these kind of parents.

@SunnySideDownBriefy thank you for your understanding.
I’m not expecting to be taken away and funded. I’m a successful women with plenty of my own money.
I’m just confused when someone tells me they love me and wants a future with me but seems unwilling to invest time with me. He has asked me to move in and constantly asks me to meet his children - it’s me that’s holding back on this front as I’m unsure of what the future holds as I’m confused.
I would just expect someone to want to spend quality time with just me in order to build a relationship. Surely a strong and loving relationship sets the best example to his children. I can’t imagine they will thank him when they get older and potentially have the guilt that he’s on his own because all his free time was invested in being super dad. Also He has nothing to lose from this relationship. I do. Surely expecting someone to make time for me isn’t that unreasonable?? I’m not asking him to see his kids any less but he could adjust the cadence to make time for us. He has them 50/50 but his 50/50 isn’t every other weekend (that would be amazing) it’s essentially at least half a day every Saturday and Sunday and twice during the week.
I’m clearly not entitled to an opinion as I don’t have children but to me, carting kids between 2 homes every weekend seems hugely unfair on them too!
I’m at a loss to most people’s opinion as to his world doesn’t change when he is trying to pursue a relationship. And yes it has been only 5 months but we love each other and he has told me he wants to marry me. I’m not a naive 20 something, I’m in my 30’s and I don’t have time to waste 2 years on someone and hope they might at some point deceive I should be a priority...

Good Lord after 5 months I'd have expected at least one dirty weekend . I have no idea how to raise it with him, but I'd be pretty blunt I'm afraid. Sounds to me like you are being used.

But you are (both possibly) acting like a child, it been five months, apparently of poor amounts of quality time together and you are talking of love, marriage and moving in? You don't know him well enough to communicate your feelings and you are already jealous of the kids. If he is a decent parent his feelings and desires come second to what the kids need, they are not going to be young forever.
I don't mean to mean, I won't date people with young children for this reason so I do get where you are coming from. Problem is if he put his kids second then he isn't a man to spend your life with, if he puts them first ditto.

Maybe once you've met his children you'll be invited to these holidays etc?

It's difficult that his contact days are weird but unfortunately that's his situation and he can't change that for his new girlfriend.

If you love him and he's ready for you to meet his kids, maybe consider it. Things will probably become much simpler.

Perhaps whilst you aren't ready to meet his kids he isn't ready to take you away as I assume holiday away would be with him AND the kids

Wait until you have a more established relationship with the kids, they know you, know you aren't going to steal their Dad and see what happens then?

OP it's been 20 weeks. There shouldnt be talk of moving in and marriage. Because of the kids.

If you dont get quality time with him, how would you know you love him or can spend large amounts of time with him.

He should have his kids alot. He is being a parent.

This is how he chooses to spend his time with them. You either accept that or move on.

But if you decide to not like it and stay, slow things down.

Also if you meet the kids, the worst thing you could do it go on all or most of these trips, or move straight in or put a stop to how they are now.

Changes would need to be gradual, or you will be seen as the cause.