Guy with kids and always coming last

[Henley36]

I’m dating a guy with 2 children, 7 and 9 yr old girls.
I knew he had children when I met him but I’m struggling so much with always coming last in his life. I know children come first and it’s right that they do, but every opportunity he has he takes them away on holiday to stay in nice hotels. I get messages about how beautiful the hotel is and how lovely the pool is but the problem is he never takes me 😔
He’s been divorced about 6 years and I don’t think he has had a serious/ meaningful relationship in that time. So I understand why the girls were the ones he took away and planned holidays with but now we are together and he says he loves me, how do I tell him how unwanted I feel without sounding like a total bitch and a spoiled brat?
It’s making me resent his kids because I feel he should be wanting to take me away to nice places and spend time with me but instead I get snatched half days here and there as he constantly has his children.
It’s easy to say to leave and find someone without baggage (we’ve only been together 5 months) but I love him and really care for him.
He also constantly ‘makes mistakes’ with scheduling and making plans but rather than sort things out it’s always me he cancels - never anyone else.
I just want to figure out a way to make him see that i need attention too.
Or am I kidding myself and it will always be this way and I have to lump it or leave......

Strange to be painted as a wicked stepmother, not sure why my happiness doesn’t matter.

Don’t take it personally OP. Have a look at other threads on here. Some people are just waiting to stick the boot in to step mums.

I’d listen to Magda’s advice. She always gives a fair and balanced view.

I’d also have to say that, even with a loving partner who makes time for you, step parenting is hard. I love my husband and I wouldn’t change my situation, but if I ever found myself single again (hopefully not!) I wouldn’t date a man with children.

In any case it sounds as though your partner simply doesn’t have the time for a relationship. And I always say this, but I’ll say it again because it’s true; it’s ok to walk away from a relationship for any reason at any time.

5 months into a relationship should still be fun & easy & making you happy.

Strange to be painted as a wicked stepmother, not sure why my happiness doesn’t matter. I have wants needs and dreams and my purpose isn’t just to be a bonus in someone else’s life. I would have to sacrifice everything other than my job to be with this man long term and so asking for small adjustments in his life to accommodate me doesn’t mean I’m a monster.
You're not a wicked stepmother and nobody is saying that.
You're dad's new girlfriend who many of us feel is expecting too much too fast.

Nobody is saying your happiness doesn't matter either.
The problem is you see it as being expected to be a bonus in someone else's life and so he should shift to meet your wants and desires. What many of us are saying is that right now you both want different things and have different priorities, and crucially neither of you is unreasonable in your priorities - they just don't align with each other right now.

There's nothing wrong in two people being in different places and with different priorities. It doesn't mean they're wrong in their priorities but they don't always align.

No one’s calling her a ‘wicked stepmother’, for heaven’s sake. Wicked stepmothers have actually met the children.

Thank you @KindOranges that’s really helpful.

I dont think you are being unreasonable, its exactly as Magda72 says

It wasn’t intended to be unhelpful, OP, merely to remind people you are in a fairly new relationship and haven’t met the children yet., so to call you a stepmother of any kind just isn’t accurate. You’d presumably find it weird yourself to be regarded as your boyfriend’s DDs’ stepmother.

@isadoradancing123 thanks because that’s what I’m thinking too.
I was just looking for advice from people who had been in a similar circumstance.
My friends (male and female) who have split up with their OH have the children every other weekend so having a relationship isn’t an issue.
I am jealous of the time he spends with his kids, I am selfish in that respect - I’m not denying it.
But I think if someone can’t meet me some of the way then they are also denying themselves happiness too. Yup - I’m sure he can find someone else but he loves me. All I was looking for was some advice from people who had been or are in a similar situation as I wanted to know if there is a way I can resolve things and make everyone (yes including ME) happy.

@Henley36

I'm not in the exact same situation, but I don't get any time with my partner either. We both have kids (separately), but we have them on different weekends. This means zero alone time unless one of us gets a babysitter (which is always me). I've suggested maybe seeing if he will swap weekends (easier for him to do as I have 2 kids, 2 different dads and he just has 1), but I got a firm no. He has his child quite a lot. We've been together 2 years and don't live together. I do feel a bit like I'm still having to slot in to his life rather than it being a mutual thing x

My dh had 3 young kids when I met him; I had 2. He was hesitant to introduce me to his even 5 months in, but he was able to swap contact days around to take me away for a long weekend, and my kids went to my mum. There is no more involved loving father than dh, but that time away was us getting to know each other.

I felt guilty palming mine off but the result is my kids grew up with an absolutely incredible stepdad and had we not invested that time, it may not have happened. One thing I would want to know if I was you is his parenting style. Is he able to discipline them or is he a ‘Disney Dad’. If it’s the latter, a holiday will be the least of your problems..

But I think if someone can’t meet me some of the way then they are also denying themselves happiness too. Yup - I’m sure he can find someone else but he loves me.

The funny thing about parents like him is that once he finds out how bitter and jealous you are of his kids, his love will fade. You see, when you have kids, you sort of realise that they really do have to come first and things that threaten that just lose their appeal. There are plenty of women with kids who will see how your partner responds to parenthood and they'll see that as a positive trait rather than an inconvenience and that will cement their admiration and respect for him rather than cause jealous tantrums and sulking.

I think you just arent emotionally ready to play this type of role and maybe you're at the stage where you want fun trips to the cinema and to be geberal km y the centre of someone's world like when you experience teenage infatuation. Maybe find someone who is in that stage in their life. A guy in his early twenties perhaps.

OP, if for 20 weeks you only get tiny amounts of time with eachother, he doesnt love you. Because from what you say, you dont spend enough time togther to be in love. You dont really know eachother.

He certainly doesnt know you are jealous and resentful of the time he spends with his kids. So he doesnt know you.

You have carried on seeing him for 5 months knowing the routine. His assumption is that you are happy with this.

So talk to him. Be honest with how you feel. 2 things will happen. He will tell you he wont change anything. Or he will compromise. Then you make a decision.

If there are to be changes, I would say it shouldnt be less time with them. But different days. So every other weekend and he should change it before you meet them. If they meet you, then everything starts changing, they could end up resentful of you.

But let's say its every other weekend and days during the week. You really need to think about wether that will work for you. If you move in, half your time will be spent with these kids. Your home will be their home too. When/if you have kids of your own, the home you share with their father and your child will be their home too. You will potentially have 3/4 kids there half the time (depending on how many you have). He will still need time on his own with his kids. Will you be happy with him going off for some quality time with them? Will you be happy with your routine being based around them too. Will you be happy having them last minute because the mother has asked? Not saying she will take the piss, but good co parenting includes helping eachother out occassionally.

If you really believe you are in love and thinking of this longterm, plus are aware you can be a bit selfish and are jealous of the kids now, you need to be thinking about this now.

I'd be worried that he sees you as another pair of hands to look after the DCs rather than a partner.

Wanting you to move in and go on a family holiday without having spent meaningful time as a couple is irresponsible on his behalf as a DF. If he really wanted time alone with you - and goodness why wouldn't he at the start of a relationship- he'd make it happen.

I don't think yabu for the way you feel about this and was going to suggest that he involves you more with the kids but then saw that you've only been together 5 months. It's always going to be harder dating someone with kids as you'll never come first.
I don't think either one of you is in the wrong and compromising his kids to suit you wouldn't be right either.
It could well be that this is the tricky stage as you're a relatively new partner and he's doing right by his kids, being cautious, but if you last the distance you'll be involved more as part of the family. I'd ask him about this.

You're seem to be interested in posts that validate your feelings that he should make more an effort to make you happy and refusing to hear that at the stage of your relationship, ie boyfriend/girlfriend, he doesn't really owe you much more than he is giving you (and vice versa).

In the end, it will come to either him agreeing, making more of an effort and you being happy, or him making promises that he doesn't abide to. Or the efforts still not being enough and you'll reach the point when you'll decide to end the relationship. Or he'll decide that he can't or doesn't want to give you what you want and end it himself.

I would just expect someone to want to spend quality time with just me in order to build a relationship. Surely a strong and loving relationship sets the best example to his children.

Firstly, you're not his priority - quite rightly. He isn't that interested right now in sacrificing time with his children for someone he's known for such a short time. Secondly, setting an "example" by having a relationship with someone makes no sense. The kids won't think "Oh, I'm SO glad daddy isn't spending time with us in order to have a deep and meaningful relationship with this new woman!".

and refusing to hear that at the stage of your relationship, ie boyfriend/girlfriend, he doesn't really owe you much more than he is giving you (and vice versa)

^^This.

Dating people with children is always going to be more complicated. You’ve not been together long and of course the children should come first.
Decide whether you want to be the afterthought; you can’t expect him to suddenly not place his children first, they’ve just gone through a breakup of their family and need the security and predictability of a regularly present and reliable father. It’s far too early for him to begin to consider introducing another women.

If he loves you also he will prioritise time for both you and his kids. If it is going to become a habit that he neglects you completely I ththink you should move on personally. Feeling left out and unloved is no fun. I learned one thing about preparing to be a mother is that we have to be neglect led ourselves , and put others first and feel bad when we expect attention. Your still a human being also, you don't become anything less because children are involved. Children shouldn't make mother have no worth in the eyes of society

Cassidy That's a bit much considering the situation is "couple in new relationship of 20 weeks, man continues to prioritise his children".
It's got nothing to do with feeling bad wanting attention as women, or becoming less human because there's children. He's rightly being cautious and taking things steady.

If the OP wants more than that then she has to decide if it's a deal breaker and move on.

Given how many threads there are on here of people introducing kids to new partners after a couple of months, NRP messing with contact due to having a new partner on the scene etc, it's really refreshing to see some common sense from this dad.

If someone wants to be the centre of someone's world and move quickly then they need someone without children.

You've been together 5 months but he invited you to Dubai in February? Have I misunderstood?

But I think if someone can’t meet me some of the way then they are also denying themselves happiness too. Yup - I’m sure he can find someone else but he loves me.

He's not denying himself happiness (his daughters clearly bring him huge happiness) it's just that the kind of happiness a relationship brings isn't a top priority for him at this stage of fatherhood. That's very relatable for many divorced parents.

Not a bit much, perhaps we are all different if you haven't thought of that, my option differs from yours. Perhaps you don't mind a guy in a new relationship not spenind time.with u, that's great , fantastic if it makes you happy. But there's too many women expected to be cast aside and sacrifice their own happiness to make others happy . How would you feel if this relationship was the same scenario without kids. I doubt you guyswill support it. But hey if u meet a guy who wants you to be involved with his children and invite you and think it's important to bond with you while his kids are there that's a winner. Not someone constantly and it seems that is the case here, constantly wants to separate his children and his girlfriend. I used to love spending time with my finacees children and he loved that also from the word go. But hey it's a new relationship. Give it a while and if you are not content leave him. Don't let women on here bully you into staying in a relationship to make him happy at your expense. :)I'm out before the nasty soccer mums come out to skin me for this post ( how dare you stick up for a girl!!!) On second thought i the tables were turned an it were male wanting attention all the women here would feel so desperately sorry for him! Adios ciao and good luck with it :) x

@cassidy001 I think you've misread the majority of posts. There is total support for op needing to be happy and have her needs met - no one has suggested otherwise. It's just unlikely she'll find this with her current boyfriend and she's been advised to move on to find happiness.

But the issue here is that he has kids that he sees every weekend so it's not like he is neglecting op by enjoying his free time doing other things.

So his options are to introduce OP in the life of his kids and her becoming a fixture in their lives, which he might seem too early and still won't meet OP wish to have one to one quality time with him.

Or him disrupting the arrangement which could bring conflict with his ex and upset his kids and again not something he is prepared to do at this stage.

The last is to leave the kids with family which he might or might not be able to do and again, it might only be a very occasional option which might still not be good enough for OP.

Dating a guy with children is one thing, dating one who has a commitment to his children every weekend is another, and that is something OP knew about.

Don't let women on here bully you into staying in a relationship to make him happy at your expense.I'm out before the nasty soccer mums come out to skin me for this post ( how dare you stick up for a girl!!!) On second thought i the tables were turned an it were male wanting attention all the women here would feel so desperately sorry for him! Adios ciao and good luck with it

No one told her to stay with him to make him happy at her expense? They have said the opposite.

Are you commenting on the right thread? Or even forum.

Because there is no way mumsnet would be feeling sorry for a man moaning his girlfriend of 20 weeks priorities her kids. That's never happened.