Guy with kids and always coming last

[Henley36]

I’m dating a guy with 2 children, 7 and 9 yr old girls.
I knew he had children when I met him but I’m struggling so much with always coming last in his life. I know children come first and it’s right that they do, but every opportunity he has he takes them away on holiday to stay in nice hotels. I get messages about how beautiful the hotel is and how lovely the pool is but the problem is he never takes me 😔
He’s been divorced about 6 years and I don’t think he has had a serious/ meaningful relationship in that time. So I understand why the girls were the ones he took away and planned holidays with but now we are together and he says he loves me, how do I tell him how unwanted I feel without sounding like a total bitch and a spoiled brat?
It’s making me resent his kids because I feel he should be wanting to take me away to nice places and spend time with me but instead I get snatched half days here and there as he constantly has his children.
It’s easy to say to leave and find someone without baggage (we’ve only been together 5 months) but I love him and really care for him.
He also constantly ‘makes mistakes’ with scheduling and making plans but rather than sort things out it’s always me he cancels - never anyone else.
I just want to figure out a way to make him see that i need attention too.
Or am I kidding myself and it will always be this way and I have to lump it or leave......

If divorced people don’t want or aren’t prepared to invest time in a relationship then they shouldn’t try and pursue them because I’ve done nothing wrong, he’s making me feel like shit - not the other way around.

But, who are you to dictate what that time should be at each stage. I am divorced. Dp knew I had kids and that they came first. I gave him the time I had spare. If he had said that's not enough, it would have been tough.

He hasnt done anything wrong. Mother have you. Its compatibility.

You say you owe him and explanation. If you feel wronged by him, why do you feel he deserves an explanation?

This is what will happen. You will speak to him, hoping he promises to change or compromise.

First situation is that he does. He changes when he sees the kids. But down the line you still feel jealous. You have a baby and on the weekend he has them, he will have been working all week and then having time with his kids on his own. You admit you arent the type to play with the kids. When you have a baby of your own, having them half the time will annoy you. Because you have said yourself, you are a bit selfish and get jealous. If you cant help it, it will keep coming up.

Or he says he will change and doesnt. And you have invested more time, so feel you dont want that to have been a waste. So will continue the relationship, move in have babies. And will still end up feeling resentful because he hasnt ever put your first and any potential children you have

Either way, in years to come you wont be happy. Because you just arent that sort of person. That's ok, it's not wrong. It's just not compaitiable with him.

Dear OP, If you want to be with that man then you have to realise, this will never change. He loves his children the way he does and he will not change that for any woman. Not for you or someone else.
I am in the same boat as you; My partner has his child 50/50 and our time involves his child. There are three people in this relationship, not two.
You don't have children and you don't know that being a parent means "no 50% running around in hotels" time. It will be full on parenting if you are entering in this. Marred couple don't have that time too.
Your lover has been very honest with you: meet my kids and have a think, will you fit in with us. You will be the one who has to fit in with them because that how your partner is.
There are other type of single dads too. They are parenting differently and it also means that you might be the one who comes first and his children will be cancelled and rearranged when plans are clashing.
Choose the right type of guy for yourself.
You can not change them. sorry...

Sounds to me like you dont want to take the amount of time with his kids away, but youd like him to organise his time differently so that instead of say 2 afternoons together you have a full day out without watching the clock?

That's not unreasonable at all and is absolutely necessary in order to facilitate a life tigether as a family. My partner and I have 6 kids between us. Of course things had to shift.

5 months is a little soon to be worrying though. But he isnt helping being so full on with you.

This is a simple case of incompatibility as many have said.

The current arrangement works for him...it doesn't work for you.

It doesn't make either of you right or wrong.

Love means different things to different ppl... and we very often assume that if it's said to us, it means exactly the same as if we said it to another.

It could be that the current contract arrangement was made, so he doesn't spend long periods of time not seeing his DC...especially when they were younger. Child development moves quickly and he could have missed a lot with EOW only.

If the current schedule and your relationship were an issue to him, I think he would have spoken to his Ex about it.

I also think he just wants you to slot in with his life....without making much of a effort with you.

The dating/courtship phase is the probation period to see if the relationship has what it needs to go to the next level... everything you've posted says it doesn't.

You may well love him and vice versa, but he is not the only man on earth.

Sometimes things just aren't meant to be and it doesn't mean you're at fault.

There's a chasm between what you want and what he can deliver.
And my hunch is, you'll constantly be trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole.
As was said above, you can't change the man. He can adapt and compromise, but with children, the responsibility is so huge, that the compromise will probably be too minimal for your expectations.
You can lower your expectations, but you don't have to. What you want out of a relationship is out there, perhaps its just not with this guy. Sorry to be so blunt.

As everyone else has said their kids will all ways come first, you have to be extremely flexible around him and his kids, at least if you leave him you know to not pick somebody who has allready got kids

I get what you're saying OP I really do and this is the main reason I haven't had a long term relationship for years.

Children come first - no arguments there. But I'm next. Not last.

You just need to have a straight conversation with this man about what you want and can live with and what he wants - and in the nicest possible way is it compatible? If it isn’t, you need to respectfully end it. There’s nothing unfair about that - you both have an equal right to a life that works for you.

You are clearly not ‚selfish‘ quite the reverse, you are thinking things through, are honest enough to confront how you feel, and have been reluctant to meet the kids until you get the situation clear in your own mind. These threads are full of people who realised too late that they didn’t like the compromises that they have taken on, and then everyone in the situation stands to get hurt. It may be that being a stepparent isn‘t for you - six months is a sensible time to put questions on the table, since no one is overinvested if you can‘t find a way forward that suits you both

OP how you getting on? I read the thread the first time round and didn’t post (sorry) but I did think you were with a man who was being exceptionally selfish.

By the time my DP and I had been together 5 months, we had both made ad hoc adjustments to our time with our dc in order to build on our relationship and see if what we had as a team was strong enough to take the step of introducing children to one another.

I will say that my Dc move between my ex and I every weekend most of the time. But there are also plenty of occasions now when they have stayed with my exh all weekend to enable me to get away with my partner and vice versa.

If he’s not prepared to do that then I don’t think he should be telling someone he loves them. It is a very self centered way to operate in a relationship.
I love you but I’ll only be around when I don’t have my kids. Sorry but no. All relationships require compromise, including those between parents and children.