Guy with kids and always coming last

[Henley36]

I’m dating a guy with 2 children, 7 and 9 yr old girls.
I knew he had children when I met him but I’m struggling so much with always coming last in his life. I know children come first and it’s right that they do, but every opportunity he has he takes them away on holiday to stay in nice hotels. I get messages about how beautiful the hotel is and how lovely the pool is but the problem is he never takes me 😔
He’s been divorced about 6 years and I don’t think he has had a serious/ meaningful relationship in that time. So I understand why the girls were the ones he took away and planned holidays with but now we are together and he says he loves me, how do I tell him how unwanted I feel without sounding like a total bitch and a spoiled brat?
It’s making me resent his kids because I feel he should be wanting to take me away to nice places and spend time with me but instead I get snatched half days here and there as he constantly has his children.
It’s easy to say to leave and find someone without baggage (we’ve only been together 5 months) but I love him and really care for him.
He also constantly ‘makes mistakes’ with scheduling and making plans but rather than sort things out it’s always me he cancels - never anyone else.
I just want to figure out a way to make him see that i need attention too.
Or am I kidding myself and it will always be this way and I have to lump it or leave......

How would you feel if this relationship was the same scenario without kids. I doubt you guyswill support it.
That's absolutely not the same situation at all!
The central reason why people are saying he is being reasonable is BECAUSE he has children.

Cassidy
You seem to be totally ignoring the bulk to the replies on this thread, probably because you and your fiance decided to introduce children from the start.

Nobody is bullying the OP into staying with someone.
Nobody at all is saying the OP shouldn't be happy. They're saying that her priorities and his priorities are different and if it's going to be a deal breaker then they need to part ways to find happiness with people who have the same priorities instead of expecting a man to mess with his children's arrangement for a new woman.

Has everyone on here missed the part whereby this man has told the op he loves her???? It's not like she's been on a few dates with him & is jumping the gun. HE is the one verbally pushing the relationship & she's the one exercising caution - but everyone is ignoring that!
Now I know different people may interpret the meaning & significance if "I love you" in different ways but I think most people don't take saying, or hearing, those words lightly.
If I tell someone I love them (in this context) it means I see a future with them. And, if I see a future with someone then I feel I have a certain responsibility to ensure that I contribute to their life in a positive way, i.e. I aim to make them an equal priority in my life - along with all my other priorities. If I can't do that/am not prepared to do that, then I should keep my bloody trap shut & not confuse them with an "I love you but only on my terms & as it suits me"!!!
The op is getting a ridiculously hard time on here. Everyone is saying this man is a great dad (which he probably is) but is then ignoring the fact that he's not being a great boyfriend at the moment (by dent of the fact that he's causing a lot of confusion as his words and actions are not matching up) & then damning the op because she expects a bit of follow through on the "I love you", "meet my kids", "let's move in together" stuff.
She asked for advice on how to speak to him about this & instead she's gotten endless lectures on how unreasonable she is to expect any bit of priority in this man's life moving forward!
The lack of female solitary & empathy on MN is truly shocking sometimes.
Not prioritizing someone (within reason) after 5 months is not taking things slowly - it's taking the piss.
He may be a lovely man but he sounds like he's a lot to learn about being in a relationship.

He's asked you to move in and to marry him when you haven't met his children? Is he insane? Surely he'd need to see how you all got on before he could even think about that?

I don't think you're asking too much. I think he's the one who isn't ready for a serious relationship, not you. If I were you I'd look elsewhere.

Nobody's missing that at all.

He may well love her.
He also loves his kids and has responsibilities for those kids.

Seeing a future with someone doesn't mean changing your contact with your children after a few months.

He has made his situation and feelings quite clear. If the OP wishes to remain in this relationship then that's the situation. If it's a deal breaker for her (and it wouldn't be unreasonable for her to decide that's not the terms she's after) then they need to part ways and find someone who wants the same things and has the same priorities.

I don't think he is taking the piss. I think he's doing exactly what more people should do which is take appropriate time before introducing new partners to your children and messing with their contact patterns. The fact that 20 weeks is even considered taking the piss says a lot about how many adults place their desire for a new partner above ther responsibilities to their children.

@Magda72, everything you say is correct, and it's for those reasons this man isn't the one for OP! No one can make this man behave the way OP wants him to so our best advice is to pursue her own happiness. That's female solidarity. It's a little naive to say "but he told me he loves me". Plenty on this thread will have been on one or the other end of those words where the meaning was different to the speaker and the receiver!

@Magda72 several of us have referenced the fact that he has said he loves her.

This isnt about right and wrong. It's about 2 people not being compatible.

I wouldn't date someone with kids for this reason. It's fine to want to come first and not have to deal with other people's kids, but that means dating people who don't have kids. Can't have both ways.

Magda - you're right that he's not being a good bf but you can't make other adults change their behaviour. Forcing someone to change is a recipe for resentment. It sounds like the Dad is happy with the way things are and wants OP to slot in with him and the kids when the timing is right which is obviously a problem waiting to happen.
The Op isn't unreasonable to want a man who is childless or only has the kids EOW. That's the kind of man that is more compatible with her.
She's not getting roasted for dating a man with kids as she hasn't done anything wrong. She very reasonable not to ha r met the kids yet. The Dad can't have the kids less and tbh should date someone who's in the same situation as him.

I'm married to my children's father and he isn't ever prioritised over them. What we do is work together so we can have time where they don't need us and we can do adult stuff. But no, we pretty much know we are joint 2nd to the kids who are all joint first priority wise.

It's fine to want to come first and not have to deal with other people's kids, but that means dating people who don't have kids. Can't have both ways
This
The Op isn't unreasonable to want a man who is childless or only has the kids EOW. That's the kind of man that is more compatible with her.
This
This isnt about right and wrong. It's about 2 people not being compatible.
This.

Two adults are both reasonable in wanting different things be having different priorities. If those priorities don't align then the relationship is the wrong relationship. Female solidarity doesn't mean mindless cheerleading and saying "you go Hun".

If I tell someone I love them (in this context) it means I see a future with them. And, if I see a future with someone then I feel I have a certain responsibility to ensure that I contribute to their life in a positive way, i.e. I aim to make them an equal priority in my life
I agree with the future part, although what qualifies the future is different for different people. It took 5 years for oh and I to get married from the moment we first talked about doing so..in the future.

I also agree to an extent with the second part but you seem to oy see it onse sided. He could very well consider that if OP really loved him, she would respect that he doesn't have a lot of free time, that he believe that it is better to wait still a bit longer to introduce her more into the life of his kids and she should be more patient.

It is still not clear how much time they actually spend together and whether they have ever had any time away overnight with or without the kids.

If I tell someone I love them (in this context) it means I see a future with them. And, if I see a future with someone then I feel I have a certain responsibility to ensure that I contribute to their life in a positive way, i.e. I aim to make them an equal priority in my life

But that's you.

I’m not forcing anyone to change.
I was just looking for some advice on how to address the situation with him.

I’ve not asked him to change things, although yes I absolutely would like the setup to be adjusted - not to see them less, just a different cadence if I had a say in it so that we could have some quality time just the 2 of us.

I owe this man an honest explanation of how I feel if I’m Potentially going to jack it in.
He says he loves me and if he’s being sincere (which I believe he is) then it’s going to be hurtful for the both of us.
And he perused me and he was well aware, from the start, that I’m not the sort of person to make banana muffins and play Lego.
His children have a mother, he’s not looking for a replacement but if he wants a serious relationship there has to be compromise on his side too. Just because he has kids doesn’t make him holier than thou or mean that he shouldn’t also make sacrifices to make things work.
If divorced people don’t want or aren’t prepared to invest time in a relationship then they shouldn’t try and pursue them because I’ve done nothing wrong, he’s making me feel like shit - not the other way around.

Ffs I have my daughter 50/50 as in half the week and if a new partner of mine didn't like it they could take a hike!

And he perused me and he was well aware, from the start, that I’m not the sort of person to make banana muffins and play Lego
I'm not sure how that's relevant but equally you also knew from the start what his arrangements are with his children.
Nobody is saying he is holier than thou.

As many of us have said, you both seem to want different things so talk it through and then if it's still a case if different priorities then the relationship isn't right for you both.

Throughout your posts it's all very much how you're a victim in this, you're being expected to take scraps, you want more at this stage, why parting ways will be bad for him and he's denying his chance of happiness.
Even now it's a case of saying divorced people with kids shouldn't be pursuing relationships if they aren't up for a proper relationship, as if he's being awful to you. He's not.
Two people in this relationship have engaged in this new relationship. Two people appear to have different views and priorities and neither is necessarily wrong in what they want for 5 months, they just don't match up.

I can easily see a situation where you start guilt tripping him to shift his children around and pushing, which may well get what you want in the short term but seems like a sure fire way to create resentment in the long run.

Just because he has kids doesn’t make him holier than thou or mean that he shouldn’t also make sacrifices to make things work
The difference is any adjustment on your part impacts on you only, at least significantly. Sacrificed on his part are not impacting just on him, but also potentially his ex and more importantly his kids.

The difference between him and Younis you only have you to think about, he doesn't and the welfare of his will have a massive part on the decision he makes.

You cannot compare the sacrifices you might need to make with those he will have to to meet in the middle.

It's absolutely right though that what matters is for you two is to agree on what efforts you are both willing to make or not, that is verbally but in terms of actions too.

I’ve done nothing wrong, he’s making me feel like shit - not the other way around

This is quite a self centered view of the situation. You've done nothing but neither has he. You feel that he is making you feel like shit but if you start vocalising your grief, you might be the one that make him feel like shit.

Be wary too if what triggered this was him taking his kids away during the hissy break because as you've admitted yourself, you are jealous that he's taken them to a nice place and that is definitely not wrong on his part to have done so.

OP I completely understand where you're coming from. I have a DD (now adult) and whilst I'd expect others to understand that I prioritise her, I'm still utterly hypocritical in that I hate being second best and find blended families a bloody nightmare. It was the reason my first marriage failed (he had a son with complex needs and I couldn't deal with this at all - obviously I should never have married him). Even when the children are grown up it's extremely difficult.

If it is at all possible, I'd walk away as early as you can, and meet someone without children who can always put you first. It's so difficult as you can't help who you fall in love with, but I'd try and make the break and meet someone else. Otherwise you're playing second fiddle to his kids for the rest of your relationship which is a miserable place to be.

Can you say' oh looks beautiful, maybe I could join you some time and get to know you and girls ' I can sleep in another room if it's easy?

You need to think beyond your own eyes OP. How do you think his ex would react if he told her he wanted to change the contact pattern because his girlfriend of 5 months wasn't happy?

You’re not suited to being with a man who already has children. You don’t have the necessary approach.

No judgement there, absolutely nothing wrong with that.

But it’s not for you, or for the children or indeed the man in question.

I wonder if OP is struggling to accept the incompatibility because kids aside, this man is catch. He sounds well resourced and despite being financially independent, OP referenced being taken away to nice places.

If divorced people don’t want or aren’t prepared to invest time in a relationship then they shouldn’t try and pursue them because I’ve done nothing wrong, he’s making me feel like shit - not the other way around.

He should be with a person who is in the same situation or would be happy with a day here and there.

You've not done anything wrong but nor has he.

Just because he has kids doesn’t make him holier than thou or mean that he shouldn’t also make sacrifices to make things work.

He probably thinks that not seeing his kids 50% of the time is a sacrifice.

I know you've not asked him to see the kids less but changing contact routine affects his kids and ex as well as him. There may be a financial cost that both parents bear if contact is changed. You're not unreasonable to want quality time but it sounds like he thinks that quality time can be achieved in the 3.5 days that he doesn't have the kids.

With a man who has 50/50, I think you can't end up being the "good friend " to the kids. You'll end up at least doing the mental load of a parent like thinking of a dinner that suits the kids likes and dislikes and popping their laundry in the washing machine to save your partner time.

I bring up this point because my ex has a long-term gf who doesn't want to be stepmother to our kids. The kids used to find it very awkward that she was under the same roof but not cooking, cleaning etc when they were brought up with such stuff being collaborative- everyone scrapes and loads dishwasher and so on. It got to a point where she goes to see her elderly parents every time they visit. (The kids heard them argue about this ) They will never be a blended family but as the kids are now teens and she has no desire to go to weddings, graduations etc we plan to continue this dysfunction as if nothing's wrong. It's been 5 years since the kids have seen her.

I would have to sacrifice everything other than my job to be with this man long term can you expand on this op?

You also said he's got nothing to loose and you have everything? Do you mean you want kids and if yo u waste time with him you're wasting years of fertility? Does he want more kids?

You seem to have very different perspectives on your relationship. He wants you to meet the kids and go on a family holiday. You want weekends alone together. Perhaps this is where to start the convo. What do you wNt to happen before you meet the kids?

You've been 'together' not even 6 months.....he's not doing anything to invest time in your relationship one-to-one.....but he wants you to meet his DC and move in with him?

Sounds like he wants someone to take on his parenting responsibilities and slot into HIS life as it is.

I wouldn't be stressing about it.
Enjoy the shag but don't waste emotional energy doing a fangled version of the Pick Me dance begging for some consideration as a romantic partner.