Guy with kids and always coming last

[Henley36]

I’m dating a guy with 2 children, 7 and 9 yr old girls.
I knew he had children when I met him but I’m struggling so much with always coming last in his life. I know children come first and it’s right that they do, but every opportunity he has he takes them away on holiday to stay in nice hotels. I get messages about how beautiful the hotel is and how lovely the pool is but the problem is he never takes me 😔
He’s been divorced about 6 years and I don’t think he has had a serious/ meaningful relationship in that time. So I understand why the girls were the ones he took away and planned holidays with but now we are together and he says he loves me, how do I tell him how unwanted I feel without sounding like a total bitch and a spoiled brat?
It’s making me resent his kids because I feel he should be wanting to take me away to nice places and spend time with me but instead I get snatched half days here and there as he constantly has his children.
It’s easy to say to leave and find someone without baggage (we’ve only been together 5 months) but I love him and really care for him.
He also constantly ‘makes mistakes’ with scheduling and making plans but rather than sort things out it’s always me he cancels - never anyone else.
I just want to figure out a way to make him see that i need attention too.
Or am I kidding myself and it will always be this way and I have to lump it or leave......

After your update OP I think it's clear your expectations differ to your boyfriends. If he had a different contact schedule and free weekends then you would get the time to be a couple, in the way you would if there were no children and its understandable to want that. But he appears more than ready for you to slot into family life. You will get to enjoy the nice holidays but they'll be family, not couples holidays. You're not going to get that pre-family honeymoon phase with this man.

It’s all very well him being a great dad and blah blah blah, but if he wants a relationship he needs to make time for it and put the work in. Not at the expense of his children, but in addition to.

Too many men just expect a woman to slot right into their lives and just accept what scraps of time and attention they’re given. Fuck that. You’re not an accessory to complement his amazing life as a single dad. You’re a person in your own right with needs and wants. If he can’t balance that with parenthood then he shouldn’t be telling you he loves you and stringing you along.

Oh I don’t want to go on the trips with his children - that’s their thing and I also have limited holiday at work and looking after 2 kids full time for a week or so isn’t the ‘break’ I need.
He asked me to go on their holiday to Dubai in February and I said no.
I guess asking for quality time is a no then.
Just feels like if I leave him it’s punishing him for having a broken family - none of them chose this situation. But I can’t see how it’s an unfair ask to ask him to meet me some of the way and make me feel important too.
Every women needs to feel special and yes I am jealous - I’m not afraid to admit that. I think it’s perfectly natural for me to feel that way. I’ve not been in this situation before and I am used to being number 1. I understand that’s not going to be the case here but I deserve to feel wanted and I want to articulate that to him without upsetting him or making him feel like I’m making him choose because that’s not my intention.

@Henley36 could you arrange a date night for when he doesn't have the girls?

Then he can arrange the next one!
Just instigate it if you don't feel comfortable requesting it.

You're both blowing hot and cold and seem to be dancing with each other.

It sounds like all his promises are set in the future, when you'll commit to considering his children in your life. You want him to commit to you before you consider commuting to his children.

This attitude in such a young relationship is going to go nowhere. You should be focusing on getting to know each other slowly without thinking of the future too much.

When you say he doesn't give you quality time, what do you mean? You mention not suggesting a holiday abroad together which is not unreasonable. Starting to discuss a weekend in the UK would be, but did you bring it up yourself?

But I can’t see how it’s an unfair ask to ask him to meet me some of the way and make me feel important too

It’s not unfair. It’s actually totally fair enough. But on MN you’ll be called a selfish evil step mother for feeling like that.

I understand that’s not going to be the case here but I deserve to feel wanted

This sums it up perfectly. You need to look elsewhere to feel wanted. When I started dating after divorce, I set a rule that I wouldn't get involved with anyone who had children below mid to late teens. I found a child-free chap whose sister also didn't have kids, so his family put me and my son very much at the heart of their family. I didn't expect this but it is nice, so I do understand your feelings. But your needs aren't going to be met by this man.

@Henley36 - your last post explains a bit more & for what it's worth here's my second lot of input.
You guys have met & have strong feelings for each other, however it reads like he wants to change nothing about his life but wants you to just slot in to his life without him making any effort to slot into your life & your gut (& rightly so) is telling you that's off so you're holding back.
5 months is too soon to have kids heavily in the equation & it sounds like he wants to skip the part where you two get to know each other as adults & people & move right into setting up home together. If you do things this way (& I get the sense that you won't) it will be a disaster for you. As you've pointed out he loses nothing but you lose a lot.
In any relationship, even one with kids involved, both adults have to compromise to move the relationship forward but your guy doesn't seem to get this. That doesn't mean cutting back on time with his kids but possibly seeing if it can be arranged differently. This isn't the end of the world for the kids so long as their time with him isn't reduced & they would quickly get used to a few minor changes in routine.
I have a very good friend who is the same age as me (mid 40's) who dated many men in her 30's & many divorced dads. She found that a lot of men but mainly the divorced dads expected her to drop everything to fit in around their access. Their attitude was very much one of "you're not busy as you don't have kids so what's your problem?" Well her 'problem' was elderly parents, a full time job in finance, a large family, lots of nieces & nephews & plenty of friends! However she was the one expected to wait until said men could see her & then drop her plans.
As I've said upthread, men not having the time, energy or commitment for relationships is not a problem so long as they realise that. Them not having the above but insisting they're in a relationship but leaving the woman to do all the work/make all the compromises is not fair.
I think you should tell him how you feel; that you actually have to spend healthy amounts of uninterrupted time together in order to get to know each other as people, & see what he says.
And contrary to what some say on here - changing access arrangements would not make him a shit dad!
On a side note my ex & I tried that sort of access with our kids when we split (kids were 13, 7 & 3) & they all hated it - the trudging between houses. We changed it to the more standard Wednesday & Friday evenings & every other full weekend & all kids were much, much happier.
That's what worked for us.

If you are jealous then this relationship isnt a good idea

Neither is meeting them then, reducing his activities with them in quick succession. They will end up blaming you.

He is unlikely to just reduce the time he has the kids because you are serious.

OP, I dont judge. I couldnt be in a relationship with someone with young children. Dp has a adult son who lives abroad. I honestly couldnt be doing with organising my life around small kids.

I have an 8 year old and would have been perfectly fine with dp saying the same to me. We discussed it before we became serious.

Its hyprocritcal. But ds, will come first when arranging things. But I wouldn't have dont that for dp. Ds is my priority.

Yes hypocritical. But I would rather be single than they and blend a family.

Dos son is lovely, visits are times a year. I would even let him live with us if he returns to the uk. But young kids are different and need different things. I wouldn't be in a relationship that meant I had to plan around additional children

Thanks @Magda72 - that’s what I was thinking. A slightly amended arrangement.
The last thing I want to do is upset the kids because I would like to be with this guy and they are part of his life so don’t want to piss them off in the beginning!
I guess I just need to have a candid conversation and see what he says. I’m guessing it will be a massive NO to making any adjustments but at least then I know.

Strange to be painted as a wicked stepmother, not sure why my happiness doesn’t matter. I have wants needs and dreams and my purpose isn’t just to be a bonus in someone else’s life. I would have to sacrifice everything other than my job to be with this man long term and so asking for small adjustments in his life to accommodate me doesn’t mean I’m a monster.

Why would you want to be with someone when you feel you are having to sacrifice almost everything?

Your happiness matters utterly, so you need to go and find it. If this man doesn't want to compromise and adjust his existing set up, no matter how reasonable you may be to expect this, then there's nothing you can do to make him. If you leave the relationship this may give him the jolt he needs but I don't anticipate smooth sailing. I think your relationship outlooks are misaligned. After divorce I became very uncompromising and as a pp said, if this got in the way of establishing a new relationship, I would have been happier staying single. He may feel this way.

You're not painted as wicked SM at all, you just want too much too fast although again it's not very clear what you want at this stage as you only mentioned holidays in your OP.

If you suggested going away for a weekend when he doesn't have his kids paying half and not to far away, and he said no, then yes, something is not right.

If however you are upset because he took his girls away on holiday this week when he issue to have them and you feel he should be offering you to go away in simar destination, them yes, your expectations are high after only 5 months.

It really goes both ways. I had a colleague who started dating a lovely lady but who like OP grew frustrated that he wasn't giving her enough of his time. The poor guy was always running around, dealing with an ex who wasn't very reliable, kids with busy lives (had them 50% of the time) and a demanding job. He really had feelings for her but it got to the point where he was made to feel guilty all the time for not doing enough and she was more often cross with him than happy when he did give her his attention, so in the end, he broke up with her. He is now with a lady who has two kids herself and her own busy life. They are happy to see each other once a week or so. They've been together over a year and both seem happy and taking thinks as they come.

In the end, there is no right or wrong but compatibility and if OP wants more than he is willing it able to give at this point, it might be they are no right for eachother rather than him being selfish and owing OP more of his quality time.

You're update just shows how selfish you are. His kids will come first, it's only been 5 months that's no time. I think this is not the relationship for you and you need to find someone who can focus all his energy on you, not a man who has two kids. You wouldn't even be classed as a step parent at this stage anyways so God knows why you said you been painted as a selfish self mother, you're a stranger to these kids who prior to 5 months ago never knew you.

Of course your happiness matters. But if what would make you happy is more time together without his kids then you’re simply not compatible. This is unfortunately a mistake lots of people make - love isn’t enough. You have to be in the right place and want the same things.

From his point of view, he’s asked you to meet his kids. This would enable you to all spend time together. You’ve said no which tells him you’re not ready / not at that point in your relationship / not thrilled about being involved with his kids. That’s not going to give him confidence that this is going to work out longterm.

He has them 50/50 but his 50/50 isn’t every other weekend (that would be amazing) it’s essentially at least half a day every Saturday and Sunday and twice during the week.

So not 50/50?

What is his actual contact?

Of course I’m selfish. I don’t have kids so I’ve been able to be selfish.
Are there any women that don’t have kids of their own that would be happy with this sort of arrangement? I was just looking for a sanity check in how to deal with it and if it’s at all workable.
I don’t consider myself a stepmother in the slightest - it was a term that was bat around on here. They have a mother and don’t need another. The most I would hope for would be to their friend in the future.

He has them twice during the week and then either Friday night, collected Saturday afternoon and return Sunday afternoon then the next week not Friday night, dropped off Saturday lunch and go home late Sunday. So every weekend.
It’s not every day you find someone you love and want to be with. It’s just hard when there are added complications that I’m not used to having to deal with.

Henley, the issue is that he has an arrangement that means he doesn't have a free weekend without his kids. You have surely known that for some time.

So the only arrangement that would allow you to have longer quality time with you means either changing the arrangement with his ex, which isn't really fair on her so would require time to arrange or living the kids with someone else. Does he have family locally who he could to that with? Have you even discussed it?

Your expectations are perfectly reasonable if he was a single man or even one who has his kids eow, but he isn't.

Now is probably the time to bring in the discussion about having a weekend together, but you can't make it that it is all about him owing you what he can't physically give you.

Putting emotional pressure on him could push him to decide it isn't going to work out. At the same time, it is not going to work if he can't give you more time so you'll need to raise it.

Yanbu to want a straightforward relationship where he just thinks about you but he has kids. You will have to make more adjustments than he does and you will be the one who has to tread carefully and think about do you join their unit or let them have one on one time.

OP I do understand how you feel. It's difficult dating a man with kids, especially if you don't have any of your own. I'm in the same situation but thankfully my fiancé is very good at balancing everyones needs.

Does you DP have set days with his kids? If not you might want to ask for set date nights to help schedule time together. We have Tuesday and Thursday as date night and this helps.

Have you met the kids? Do you do anything all together? Maybe you could ask to be a bit more involved with the kids.

Five months isn't a long time and it sounds like a difficult relationship if he's not putting your feelings first ever. You are right the kids do come first but that shouldn't stop you also having a successful relationship.

Maybe you could broach the subject by asking if he'd be up for a couple's holiday next summer? I'm assuming that mum will want to do the same so if he covers her holiday and she covers his then it balances out to 50/50 iyswim.

not sure why my happiness doesn’t matter. I have wants needs and dreams and my purpose isn’t just to be a bonus in someone else’s life

Your happiness matters to you, as it should. Your happiness does not matter to a seven year old and a nine year old who have never met you, and who just want to see their father as much as they usually do. And as a fairly new girlfriend of five months, you probably are still 'just a bonus' in your boyfriend's life.

Of course I’m selfish. I don’t have kids so I’ve been able to be selfish.

What a strange statement. I can assure you as someone who didn't have a child for 40 of my 47 years that my selfishness levels remain unchanged by parenthood.

Are you misreading his motivations in having his children in the residency pattern he does as him being 'unselfish'? He presumably just has his children living with him part-time because he wants to, not out of 'unselfishness'.

Are there any women that don’t have kids of their own that would be happy with this sort of arrangement? I was just looking for a sanity check in how to deal with it and if it’s at all workable

I'm sure some aren't, but they find a boyfriend without children, or one who has children but is uninterested in seeing them with any frequency.

What is it you actually want? From what you say, he has either Friday night or Saturday night without his daughters every weekend, plus two or three midweek nights, which is a lot of childfree time.

I was on the other end of this issue. I have a ds and an almost-absent ex so I do not get weekends off. I might get 8 hours a week and perhaps a few days in the summer holiday.
I dated someone for 4 years, then he wanted to move the relationship on but only if I “got rid of” my ds every other weekend.
He didn’t seem to understand that my house is ds’s home. If ds was there 365 days a year, that would have been fine with me.
I was happy for my man to move in, to be part of us, but we came as a package and that was not going to change for a decade.

So we separated. We wanted different things.

I'm in a similar situation and am fine with it. I never expect my partner to compromise his time with his children for me. We'll compromise on other things, but the children are not negotiable.

A man with children is not the right man for you. At least not a good man who sees himself as a father first.

Sometimes it happens that you meet a person you have a connection with, but the circumstances don't work for you both.

Your perspectives are so far apart there just isn't a middle ground here. He isn't a weekend dad, he probably does last minute swaps with his ex and I'm guessing that his holiday time is set up around his children.

That's what a normal parent does. There is absolutely nothing wrong with what you want, you just probably can't have it with this man.

The hurt of splitting up now will be far less than a decade long blended family where nobody's needs are being met.