DP's ex harassing me?

[Tocopherol]

Hi. I have posted elsewhere on MN a little in the past but this is a new name as previous posts might out me. This is a bit long, I'm trying not to drip feed but I want some perspective and advice. Also a vent.

DP's ex and some of her family (her sister and her husband I think) have developed some sort of obsession with me and how much money I earn and how suitable she thinks I am to be around her kids. As far as I'm aware this is recent, although she knew DP was seeing me before he told her because one of her friends was 'keeping an eye on him"! They'd been split for 3 years when I met him, she'd been married for a year! I've seen seeing him for about 2 years.

Basicly she thinks a. DP is committing some sort of fraud to avoid paying maintainace - he isn't, he's just been out of work for ages after being hit by a car - and I'm helping him do it somehow.
b. I'm out of line for saying DSD1 isn't to be left alone in my house for a second and that 'prevents him from seeing his kids'. DSD1 (12) has serious behavioural problems - stealing, hurting animals, hurting her little sister, breaking things, is a school bully etc so this is non negotiable. DP doesn't even live with me half the week (looks after terminally ill relative in his home town the other days), having them at mine was just to save them a long drive to his, as I live just outside the town ex moved to, he lives about an hour away. Hardly stopping him seeing them.

She's started bothering DP for more money, asking him why he/we can afford XYZ if he's not earning, accusing him of spending his money on me, working cash in hand and giving it to me, using me as a fake company director etc. I only know all this because DP left Facebook logged in on my laptop and I didn't realise until I opened her message (I've blocked her but she's got a similar name to someone I know so it didn't twig for a second).

She's also decided because I was 'weird' at school and college that I can't have unsupervised time with the kids. This has happened only twice! The second time DP went to pick DSD1 up late from a friend's and I took DSD2 and my niece over to see my 2 Shetland ponies. DSD1 went nuts over this and then suddenly I'm not allowed near the kids alone, I'm weird, I'm an alcoholic, It's favouritism, I'm nasty to DSD1, and so on. DP did tell me this himself. She's also recent got a new in her bonnet about them not having bedrooms here - I don't have enough rooms in the house!

She asks my sister intrusive questions about me when she sees her ( she went to school with my sis for a few years before she moved to DPs town and DSD2 went to the same nursery as my niece when she came back) and makes comments about what I've sold off my website and how much money I must be making and how I can't possibly afford my house and the like, comments on seeing me out in town, what I've posted on instagram etc.

I've seen a car driving up and down the same kerb crawling outside my house a few times - I think it's ex's sister. A neighbour told me someone was outside taking pictures a few days ago which freaked me out.

DP has told her to knock it off numerous times but she's threatened to take him to court to stop access.

I'm not sure if this warrants police involvement? Or if I should wait until they get bored? We're moving next year but that seems so far away right now.
I'm getting really irritated and DP is getting stressed at her constant bothering about me and court threats.

If he’s badly injured then maintaining the home won’t be any more than very basic stuff.

From what OP has said he’s no longer badly injured. How can he be if he’s looking after relatives?

Sorry OP this is not a great place to post for support as a step parent. Too many people gleefully waiting in the sidelines to stick the boot in.

Hope the CCTV works as a deterrent & your DP’s recovery goes well.

I have to be honest and say I’d have a real think about whether this relationship will work for you long term. There’s a possibility that DSD1’s behaviour might get worse and if your DP moves in with you, what would happen if she decided she wanted to live with you full time? Or stay over regularly? How would that work with her (quite rightly) not being left unsupervised in the house?

I think it’s likely to be an incredibly long and hard road ahead.

You know what stuffedpeppers? He isn't ready to go back to work. And he shouldn't have started the extra caring so soon imo either. Job centre dgaf about that - their attitude is the same as half the posters here- he can move, he can work. So that's that. I broke my leg just after I finished my Bsc and the job centre were hassling me about getting a job and coming in for meetings before the bloody cast was off. And I still 'managed' to care for my mum so my dad or sister didn't have to quit their jobs b/c she had cancer. Sometimes you can't just magic in outside help and money in a pinch. Feel free to write to your MP and highlight the crappiness of the DWP.
(Self employed don't get sick pay etc.)

He wants to have them extra anyway but it would have to all be at mine if it was weekdays (and I'll be left in a room with them alone when DP needs a shit, oh no!) and she doesn't want to give up more weekends. That's for them to sort.

And I didn't say her life was easy, I said there was no massive disparity. She works and has kids which must be tough but she's not been left in poverty while we live in some vast country manor and have holidays in the Caribbean like some posters on MN have. For all I know she's been harassing him about nonsense the whole time and he's downplayed it as a bit of complaining. He didn't mention her that much prior to the accident and they stick mostly to schedule so I assumed it was ok but frosty.

He needs to get off his arse and prioritise his kids, Op. That's what parents do. Stop making excuses for him. It is embarrassing.

If he can help a relative, he can get a job.

@ChilledBee you and we have no idea how the OP's partner is helping his relatives. You may be imagining him moving furniture or something, but it may be more simple things like basic cooking, doing basic laundry, paying bills, etc. We have no idea and the OP doesn't have to share specifics with us. We're just a bunch of strangers on the internet, some of whom are trying to help and others who are trying to be a bit mean.

@ChilledBee and reading her post again, it's not even multiple relatives. It's just one terminally ill relative. Again, that could be basic admin tasks like going grocery shopping (online or in the store), making phone calls, etc.

It amazes me how when you’re an nrp you can’t even recover fully after a really bad injury because it inconveniences the rp. Surprise surprise.

From what OP has said he’s no longer badly injured. How can he be if he’s looking after relatives?

I doubt it will be anything strenuous and will just be every day tasks to help make their last days easier and more bearable. My relative was out of work for 2 years after a bad injury at work and she helped care for her elderly mother during the time she was off work. So it does happen believe it or not.

And to be honest, even if the op’s partner has recovered very well by now and can live life as normal and do strenuous jobs etc, he’s fallen in to a temporary caring role that could mean a big difference to someone who has very little time left to live. It hardly means he’s a feckless father ffs. Loads of parents give up work to be a carer.

Op, how often does he care for his relative? Could he get Carer’s Allowance? His relative will be entitled the PIP high rate (I think that’s what it’s called), so depending on how many hours he cares for them, he could be entitled to CA.

OP what an extrapolation from what I said.

If he could not have his DCS at his place before the accident, then it really was not a great set up was it. The RP now finds herself with less monies to clothe and feed children, more child care to deliver and he chooses a relative over his children. When does the RP stop being responsible for covering their EXs lifestyle and expenses.

His priorities are wrong.

She did not go toxic without provocation, something tipped the balance.

I’d step away from this. The bitter first wife club will create their own narrative and would blame him for not contributing financially even if he was paralysed from neck down signed off work indefinitely. Serious car crash - not a good enough reason apparently. Being able to sit with a dying relative for a couple of nights a week is proof that he can step back into a job.

I suppose it is interesting to read as it gives you an insight into the craziness that your dps ex is also demonstrating. No one is debating that many guys let their kids down but you can guarantee that these threads on MN will never ever end any other way than the same posters slagging the ex and canonising the former wife.

Yep carers allowance is 55 a week. He could give most of that to his kids

I'll tell you from my OWN experience. My DHs ex SIL harassed me at school, broke my windshield and also harassed my DM. She assaulted me both verbally and physically. She also bullied me online on my IG account and sent me threatening messages via FB.

I had evidence for all of this but the police said that it was a civil.matter and the school stuff was a he said/she said situation so wouldn't get involved.

Went to the police who said it was a civil

Loads of parents give up work to be a carer

The majority who do that do it within a marriage or relationship with the support of a partner and after discussion and a look at how bills will be paid. If bills can’t be paid, it doesn’t happen. I reduced my hours when my mum became ill but as a single parent with an ex who pays no maintenance, couldn’t have stopped working all together. Indeed, it would have been irresponsible to take such an approach as we’d have lost the roof from over our heads.

But that’s the point people are trying to make. This is a man with children to support who may not be giving it his all. It’s not ‘bitter’ to look at it from another perspective.

The bitter first wife club will create their own narrative

As will the bitter second wives. The reality probably lies somewhere between the two.

I can't believe what I am reading. The poor gut is not long out of hospital and people are calling him a shit parent for not jumping straight back to work despite still needing physio.
My ex broke one bone in his foot and had to take 3 months off work. Luckily he didn't have kids to support but if this man needed multiple surgery's I can imagine he won't be ready for work yet.
If he workef in a physical manual job he won't be qualified to just walk into a desk job will he.
Unfortunately accidents happen and the consequences have to be dealt with, as they would if the couple were still together.

I would have thought caring for a relative would be preparing a simple meal, feeding them if necessary, administering medication, light house work, admin.
Nothing strenuous.

So now being smashed to smithereens in a serious RTA and having a dying relative to care for are examples of “lifestyle choices”? Really? Is that where we are now?
Fucking hell.

Some posters aren’t reading the points where OP has stated that although her DO would be happy to have his kids more during the week, the ex isn’t happy about it as she doesn’t want him having them at OP’s.
OP, definitely keep track of everything that is happening. Glad to hear about the CCTV. You sound like you have your head firmly screwed on, and I reckon your DP is bloody lucky to have you.

Yep carers allowance is 55 a week. He could give most of that to his kids

Well if it shuts the ex up....

He did have them at his old place? He can have them over their relative's house too. It would be a lot easier to continue to do so if his ex hadn't moved an hour away from him but I'm sure that's somehow his fault. Probably his fault she won't "let" me do the driving for pickup/dropoff anymore too, right? Not sure how looking after his other family member on days he doesn't even have his kids is negatively affecting them, care to explain?

Funinthesun, he's usually there 3 nights/ 3 or 4 days at the moment depending when I can pick him up. I will ask him if he's looked at Carer's allowance, that's a good point.

I had a think about DSD1 when I first met her an realised what was actually meant by behavioural problems, I'm going to have to reconsider everything in light of DP's ex actually not being as OK as I thought. One I think we could deal with, both things together is possibly not tolerable for me.

The majority who do that do it within a marriage or relationship with the support of a partner and after discussion and a look at how bills will be paid. If bills can’t be paid, it doesn’t happen.

You and I both know through common sense that it isn’t that black and white, and it isn’t just people who are in first marriages who become carers. There will be people who are single or who are an second marriages. Life can pile shit on anybody.

he's usually there 3 nights/ 3 or 4 days at the moment depending when I can pick him up. I will ask him if he's looked at Carer's allowance, that's a good point.

Definitely worth looking in to so he has some extra cash to cover expenses whilst looking after his relative. That’s what it’s there for.

Sounds like he’d definitely be entitled to it as you need to look after the person for 30/35 hours per week. I can’t remember which.

I get the feeling we are not getting the whole truth here. Why refer to an accident that happened a few months ago as 'ages ago'?

And if he was employed and he is still not medically able to go back to work, why isn't he on sick leave from his job? Why is he unemployed? It seems hard that he would have been sacked during that time for being injured in an accident.

I think what he says and what is true might be slightly blurry which would explain the ex's anger. Still wrong to take it on you OP though.

Sounds like even if he gave her all the money in the world she would still act like this

Don't rise to it and take it with a pinch of salt
I had this with my ex's baby mum for the whole time we was together
Like how did we buy a house when I was on maternity leave , how do we afford the clothes my kids wear, how do we manage go on holiday etc. Tbh it was non of her business and she soon realised it was ME who got all the nice clothes for MY kids, I didn't agree buying her dd all nice stuff when she only seemed to want to come down when she was getting them. Then we wouldn't see her for a good month or 2 then she would message she wants to come again when it came up to an occasion or wanting so that soon stopped.
And we did share joint accounts etc but I save a lot an that's how I (we) afforded most of what we had. Really annoyed me how much she asked people and rang asking us. Used be an hour phone call a week

Just try to ignore it an get on with things the best you can. They don't change x

Swing because he’s self employed, I think I read. Unless you have insurance you get no money if you aren’t working.

Yes, self employed. I think you can claim SSP under some circumstances but SSP is barely more than benefits anyway and also, frankly, it isn't anything to do with me as he hasn't even moved in yet and our finances are not joined. What is she going to do if he never earns that much money again? Also nothing to do with me.

I'm slightly disappointed that the focus of this thread is on my (injured) DP's inability to fart out £50 notes and not on his ex stalking me (with help!) Might try somewhere else. But thankyou to the posters who gave me some actual advice

Rainbowhairdon't care that's exactly what I feared. Very discouraging. Was this recently? When the man was stalking me he actually came into our shared house while housemate was cooking with the back door open, police said it was housemates fault and he had done nothing wrong because the door was open! Scared the shit out of us! That was nearly 10 years ago though.

Re; "ages". It feels like ages to me. 4+ months feels like a really long time to be out of work, or be unwell, or generally have things be f'd up. Ymmv