DP's ex harassing me?

[Tocopherol]

Hi. I have posted elsewhere on MN a little in the past but this is a new name as previous posts might out me. This is a bit long, I'm trying not to drip feed but I want some perspective and advice. Also a vent.

DP's ex and some of her family (her sister and her husband I think) have developed some sort of obsession with me and how much money I earn and how suitable she thinks I am to be around her kids. As far as I'm aware this is recent, although she knew DP was seeing me before he told her because one of her friends was 'keeping an eye on him"! They'd been split for 3 years when I met him, she'd been married for a year! I've seen seeing him for about 2 years.

Basicly she thinks a. DP is committing some sort of fraud to avoid paying maintainace - he isn't, he's just been out of work for ages after being hit by a car - and I'm helping him do it somehow.
b. I'm out of line for saying DSD1 isn't to be left alone in my house for a second and that 'prevents him from seeing his kids'. DSD1 (12) has serious behavioural problems - stealing, hurting animals, hurting her little sister, breaking things, is a school bully etc so this is non negotiable. DP doesn't even live with me half the week (looks after terminally ill relative in his home town the other days), having them at mine was just to save them a long drive to his, as I live just outside the town ex moved to, he lives about an hour away. Hardly stopping him seeing them.

She's started bothering DP for more money, asking him why he/we can afford XYZ if he's not earning, accusing him of spending his money on me, working cash in hand and giving it to me, using me as a fake company director etc. I only know all this because DP left Facebook logged in on my laptop and I didn't realise until I opened her message (I've blocked her but she's got a similar name to someone I know so it didn't twig for a second).

She's also decided because I was 'weird' at school and college that I can't have unsupervised time with the kids. This has happened only twice! The second time DP went to pick DSD1 up late from a friend's and I took DSD2 and my niece over to see my 2 Shetland ponies. DSD1 went nuts over this and then suddenly I'm not allowed near the kids alone, I'm weird, I'm an alcoholic, It's favouritism, I'm nasty to DSD1, and so on. DP did tell me this himself. She's also recent got a new in her bonnet about them not having bedrooms here - I don't have enough rooms in the house!

She asks my sister intrusive questions about me when she sees her ( she went to school with my sis for a few years before she moved to DPs town and DSD2 went to the same nursery as my niece when she came back) and makes comments about what I've sold off my website and how much money I must be making and how I can't possibly afford my house and the like, comments on seeing me out in town, what I've posted on instagram etc.

I've seen a car driving up and down the same kerb crawling outside my house a few times - I think it's ex's sister. A neighbour told me someone was outside taking pictures a few days ago which freaked me out.

DP has told her to knock it off numerous times but she's threatened to take him to court to stop access.

I'm not sure if this warrants police involvement? Or if I should wait until they get bored? We're moving next year but that seems so far away right now.
I'm getting really irritated and DP is getting stressed at her constant bothering about me and court threats.

She said to your sister that you were a weirdo at school, and she got her sister to drive past your house?

It doesn't sound like a police matter.

She's keeping tabs on what I'm doing via my pro social media, pestered my sister in public about what I'm doing multiple times, and got someone to drive past my house multiple times on multiple occasions (and possibly go into my garden and take photos of my house!), said I'm unsafe around children, and accused me of several types of fraud.

I agree it might not be police-worthy yet, but I'm not sure. I was stalked at uni by an aggressive creepy man and the police did almost nothing so I'm not entirely sure what constitutes 'police matter'. If there were no kids involved in this I'd calm them straight away, her feelings be damned. I just don't want to provoke her into messing DP around if nothing is likely to come of it.

@Tocopherol this sounds horrendous. You poor thing. It must be frightening for you after what happened in uni. It sounds like she's very jealous and insecure around you. Personally I think you should either speak with police or a solicitor and get advise. It sounds like you're feeling physically intimidated and I wouldn't blame you. Having someone kerb crawling your house seems crazy.

Is this guy really worth all this hassle?

I'd have a bit more sympathy if she was struggling for money but she isn't!
That really says it all. Because she has money, either because she works very hard or is dependent on someone else, it's ok for your OH to only provide peanuts in support. That's a terrible attitude to have. Personally, I can understand why she doesn't think very high of you. However, that in no way justifies any kind of harrassement.

And sorry, no sympathy for your OH. It sounds like the accident was a while ago, and he is clearly managing to have some sort of active life between your house and his relatives. He does come across as if he is happy with that life, knowing that you are happy to support him in addition to what he gets in benefits, and neither of you have much concern over the fact that he doesn't provide any reasonable financial support towards his kids. It's not your responsibility but absolving him of his doesn't show much integrity.

His main concern should be to find ways to earn some money to support his kids, regardless of whether their mum can do so herself or not.

Ho long have you been with your DP OP? Is this all really worth it? Why isn't he working to support his children? I can sort of see her point (not the harrassment but her anger) if he isn't paying anything. His priority should be his children.

Is he worth it? It seems just too much hassle. In my case my (now ex) dp used (and still uses even though I'm long gone) the pair of us to triangulate. He loves the attention and the competition and the ex is like his little yappy puppy doing his bidding. The pair of them love the drama and the nastiness (they're both insane tbh and deserve each other) and seem to need a third person in their relationship. Are you sure your DP is doing everything he can to stop i?

Tbh I'd probably walk away. There are men out there without mad exes you know!

I agree with swingofthings. It doesn't matter how rich she is,he needs to be supporting his kids full time with proper maintenance. You got with a guy who cannot support his kids and that's going to leak into your life. You're dealing with this because you chose a shit dad as a partner. You can choose better but since they're not your kids, you probably don't care if their dad is useless.

Well I think it’s a bit unfair to call him a shit dad, the poor sod had a traffic accident and was in hospital for eight weeks.
CCTV sounds like a plan. Even if you don’t involve the police at least you’d know.
Fingers crossed DP can find work soon and start paying her properly again.

@Tocopherol I would still go to the police if I were you, if anything to get advice about how to collect evidence to build up a case. Do not ignore this. Police seem to take stalking and harassment much more seriously now than even 10 or 15 years ago. Getting guidance from them on how to collect evidence may be helpful to allay your anxiety about the situation. Once you have a plan, you may be able to detach from the overall nastiness of it and focus on just executing the tasks.

Also definitely tell other people in real life what’s happening so they can help you. If she sees people in town, have them respond to her in the same way: “Why are you nosy about Tocopherol? She’s a lovely person who’s professional and doesn’t bother anyone” or something to that effect. If people start stonewalling her in person, she’ll see her campaign isn’t working. Get everyone you know to block her or whenever she’s commenting on your professional social media, get them to report her. Rally your personal village around you. This kind of harassment, stalking, and bullying flourishes in darkness. Shine some light on her and take some of her power away. Good luck.

I think what irks some people is if the RP gets a partner that spends a reasonable amount of time living at the home with the RP and the children, they are expected to support the children. For example, a single mother might receive benefits to top up her earnings or give her a living to live off of and support the kids but if she was to get a partner that works, that help would go down or stop altogether meaning the government expect the RP's partner to financially take care of children that aren't theirs. It's totally different for NRP. If they get a partner, their income is never taken into account meaning technically, the NRP can stop work and have their partner support them and pay basically nothing in CM. The RP never has the option to just not pay for their kids, they have to, no matter what and usually any partner they get, will have to as well.

Your DP was in an accident so is now relying on benefits and I assume paying the £7 a week minimum? It's frustrating for the ex but not the basis for harassment. If she was the one in the accident, her husband would have to support her kids as even if your partner was working, her having an accident wouldn't mean he has to pay more CM. The law is the law but I do find it frustrating that there's an expectation on RP's partners to support their step children but there's none on the NRP's partners to do so. So if you reverse the roles, the RP in this situation (DP's ex) and her husband are picking up the slack of your DP's accident but if it was her in the accident, the same wouldn't be expected of your DP. He wouldn't be made to pay more CM, it would be her husband (who isn't even the kids father) that had to give more support or pay for more because his wife was unable to work

Six of one, half a dozen of the other.

If she is stalking, get it on camera and involve the police. That should put a stop to it.

As others have said, your attitude is somewhat tiresome. I have supported my children single-handedly for the last 12 years now. I suppose I can afford it, certainly what ex’s partner says to my children. I can’t. I have no choice, do I?

Recovery from an accident can be long and I’m not sure supporting a terminally ill family member is evidence of ability to work. Has he discussed it with his ex at all? It might help if she is aware of a potential end point. It must be frustrating and worrying for her.

the poor sod had a traffic accident and was in hospital for eight weeks
According to OP it's been ages since the accident. To me ages is a long time ago.

She also believes that he is working on the side. It might be a false rumours but if it what she's heard and believes it's no surprise she'd be very angry indeed.

The accident was only 4 1/2 months ago. He's looking for work now but he's not a very attractive prospect for employers yet. He cannot do his old job (possibly ever again) and obviously can't just take any old job that comes along due to being injured so she'll just have to wait. And he doesn't get more in benefits just because he has kids, btw, so I'm not really sure what you all think he should do. Rob a bank?

Of course he has told her. He warned her it could be up to a year, although it looks like he'll be reasonably recovered much sooner now. She seems to think that when he was released from hospital, that meant he was fine.

I've been with him 2 years, that's a long time to wait for a mad ex to materialise. I don't know why she would be jealous or insecure. She's younger, married, has good job, nice car/house etc. No real disparity between our standard of living. It is confusing. CCTV should be sorted this week.

So the OPs partner was in a serious car accident and has a dying relative and the ex is still hounding for money. I can see why she is the ex. If I were you I'd call her out for all the stalking she's doing and suggest the time could be better spent setting up her own business if she thinks it's that lucrative. Regarding the stalking, if any of it is damaging your business you could maybe have a lawyer send a letter. Otherwise ignore her, like others said it will probably resolve itself when your DP is back on his feet and earning.

My ex ds df is disabled he still works and provides for ds and pays maintenance hes also had multiple operations on his leg from when he had cancer as a teenager. Just talking the other day and hes going back to work I thought he actually already went back, he still continued to pay the same maintenance during that time because that's what fathers do and it's one of the important Bill's he knows he needs to pay the same way as council tax. Op he can look after a terminally I'll relative he can work even if it's part time to begin with. It's easy to see why the ex wife is so annoyed.

I’ll repeat:

If they were still together, she’d still be financially supporting the children on her own because he wouldn’t be bringing any money in. Or just a minimal amount from benefits.

The only reason she is kicking off is because she thinks that because he has access to money what the op brings in, she thinks she has an entitlement to have access to it as well. She really doesn’t and the op owes her nothing.

But like lots of disabled parents/partners, he would be able to provide some contribution in maintaining the home,/childcare.

If they were still together, she’d still be financially supporting the children on her own because he wouldn’t be bringing any money in. Or just a minimal amount from benefits.

Oh no, fathers seperate they acquire magical money making skills.

The CM has bugger all to do with OP, she only need concern herself about her own finances and the mother only needs to concern herself with the fathers finances.

My child has two parents, OP is not one of them. If her business has a lean period I’m sure the childs mother would soon stop giving a shit.

Feeling hard done to does not justify harassment!

I wrote that whilst pushing a buggy and realise it doesn’t make total sense, but hope you can fill the gaps.

Basically, although you may sympathise with ex and don’t agree that a man who is unable to work can’t print money harassment is not ok.

Sadly some women can’t help theirselves with bitterness. She hates you but wants her kids to have rooms at your house? Completely irrational! My DP has an ex like this, has done her best to poison the DC against me but expects me to adjust my working hours to suit her childcare arrangements!
Block her on all SM and tell your DP to stand up to her.

It sounds like she genuinely believes he is lying, living off you and cash in hand work, which means he can have a nice life himself while reducing payments to the children. With such a troubled 12yo at home the poor woman's nerves must be shredded. I bet she's permanently exhausted, not just seasonally.

Nevertheless, she's being a stalker and is spreading false rumours. A solicitor's letter telling her to pack it in might be enough for her to stop.

Maybe DH using his time off to help manage his child's mental problems might be more helpful.

The mother clearly thinks you encourage DP to dodge CM and/or you will get rid of him soon. She has asked for the contact time to be with him exclusively. Maybe that's because she thinks he shirks responsibility for his children's wellbeing.

Maybe she thinks a new SM is a problem for her children's delicate mental health, especially on top of their dad having a near death experience, their living standards reducing due to lower CM, while dad lives it up in the country.

I can see how she would seem a bit crazy and even go a bit crazy. I think you are being far too cavalier with the stuff about her having a nice easy life similar to DP's. Raising a family with a mentally ill child is ridiculously difficult in the best of circumstances, even without siblings, blended families, divorces and near fatal accidents in the mix.

How is your relationship with your DP? For whatever reason, his ex has targeted you. She’s involved her family. You have people coming by your house and badmouthing you. She is obviously very angry. You have horses and your DP has a DD with serious behavioural issues (including animal cruelty) who can’t be trusted without constant supervision and is about to hit her teenage years. The relationship would have to be pretty amazing to be worth all that.

@stuffedpeppers

How ridiculous. You have no idea. A close relative of mine broke every limb in their body, some more than once. They had a 3m stint in hospital and were certainly not walking again after 6 weeks. They have been left permanently disabled and although able to work they have had to make some pretty major adjustments which took time.

There is such a vast array of injuries and consequences, you cannot speculate with so little detail.

Fun read my post before writing.

i do not believe that he had multiple broken bones and 8 week in hospital and 4 months after all this - is looking for work and caring for a terminally ill relative and travelling aorund on his own.

Your version fits - not the BS that is being spouted.

Normal EXs for 2 years do not go psycho after 4 months without immense provocation. No evidence of child care being increased whilst he is off but OK to look after relative !!

Rehabilitation is my work - this area I know and basic biology!

But like lots of disabled parents/partners, he would be able to provide some contribution in maintaining the home,/childcare

If he’s badly injured then maintaining the home won’t be any more than very basic stuff. Come on, I’m sure his ex can wash up, cook and do her own laundry with or without him.

As for childcare, he could have them extra days? Or will that not fit her narrative?