DP's ex harassing me?

[Tocopherol]

Hi. I have posted elsewhere on MN a little in the past but this is a new name as previous posts might out me. This is a bit long, I'm trying not to drip feed but I want some perspective and advice. Also a vent.

DP's ex and some of her family (her sister and her husband I think) have developed some sort of obsession with me and how much money I earn and how suitable she thinks I am to be around her kids. As far as I'm aware this is recent, although she knew DP was seeing me before he told her because one of her friends was 'keeping an eye on him"! They'd been split for 3 years when I met him, she'd been married for a year! I've seen seeing him for about 2 years.

Basicly she thinks a. DP is committing some sort of fraud to avoid paying maintainace - he isn't, he's just been out of work for ages after being hit by a car - and I'm helping him do it somehow.
b. I'm out of line for saying DSD1 isn't to be left alone in my house for a second and that 'prevents him from seeing his kids'. DSD1 (12) has serious behavioural problems - stealing, hurting animals, hurting her little sister, breaking things, is a school bully etc so this is non negotiable. DP doesn't even live with me half the week (looks after terminally ill relative in his home town the other days), having them at mine was just to save them a long drive to his, as I live just outside the town ex moved to, he lives about an hour away. Hardly stopping him seeing them.

She's started bothering DP for more money, asking him why he/we can afford XYZ if he's not earning, accusing him of spending his money on me, working cash in hand and giving it to me, using me as a fake company director etc. I only know all this because DP left Facebook logged in on my laptop and I didn't realise until I opened her message (I've blocked her but she's got a similar name to someone I know so it didn't twig for a second).

She's also decided because I was 'weird' at school and college that I can't have unsupervised time with the kids. This has happened only twice! The second time DP went to pick DSD1 up late from a friend's and I took DSD2 and my niece over to see my 2 Shetland ponies. DSD1 went nuts over this and then suddenly I'm not allowed near the kids alone, I'm weird, I'm an alcoholic, It's favouritism, I'm nasty to DSD1, and so on. DP did tell me this himself. She's also recent got a new in her bonnet about them not having bedrooms here - I don't have enough rooms in the house!

She asks my sister intrusive questions about me when she sees her ( she went to school with my sis for a few years before she moved to DPs town and DSD2 went to the same nursery as my niece when she came back) and makes comments about what I've sold off my website and how much money I must be making and how I can't possibly afford my house and the like, comments on seeing me out in town, what I've posted on instagram etc.

I've seen a car driving up and down the same kerb crawling outside my house a few times - I think it's ex's sister. A neighbour told me someone was outside taking pictures a few days ago which freaked me out.

DP has told her to knock it off numerous times but she's threatened to take him to court to stop access.

I'm not sure if this warrants police involvement? Or if I should wait until they get bored? We're moving next year but that seems so far away right now.
I'm getting really irritated and DP is getting stressed at her constant bothering about me and court threats.

If he has time to look after a terminally ill relative, then he has time to go and get a job and start paying for his children.

You might when he starts contributing alot of her issues will go away

He is paying for them, out of his benefits. Thanks for your concern.

Hardly a helpful comment. He had a serious car accident and you have no idea what injuries he had. It's in the op. I assume he paid pre accident when working?
He should still be contributing something eg 7 a week if on benefits or could he have the children after school everyday at exw to save childcare costs... Just an idea.
Your right ref no time alone with kids if there are behaviour problems. But I think honestly just ignore. The answer is it no one's business what you earn or do as they aren't your children to pay towards. Your income is not relevant to any conversation.

If he has time to look after a terminally ill relative, then he has time to go and get a job and start paying for his children.

How the he’ll has he time to get a job, if he’s looking after a terminally ill relative? Who is going to look after the relative. I’m all for men stepping up and looking after their children, but that’s just ridiculous. He’s also recovering from an accident! I’m sure he wants to work once things are more settled.

Have you proof of all this nonsense, OP? That would be the difficult part, if you go to the police. Personally I’d go grey rock and totally ignore her. There will come a time when she’ll be stuck and want you to look after the kids, especially when your partner starts working again. That’s when you can smile sweetly and say you’d rather not be left in sole care if the children. Though it may terribly sad that the poor children are being used as pawns in this. No wonder the oldest is acting out.

mmm, cynical too. He has been out of work for ages since he's accident, so either his accident was very serious and left him very disabled, or he is indeed work shy. Considering he is with OP half of the week, his relative must not be fully dependent on him for care.

Nothing excuses them harassing you but a father of two who has been out of work for ages, seeming to carry out with normal life, and clearly not concerned that he isn't supporting his kids financially (because £5 a week is not going to go anywhere) is not someone who is very honourable.

I agree that it looks like you’ve got yourself a work-shy cock lodger. Apparently serious car accident but has time to provide care to a sick relative for half the week. Can only afford to pay the minimum for his kids via benefits yet seems to be able to afford luxuries for himself with your money. You need to break up with him.

Yes, he was paying. Also bought uniforms and paid towards clubs and school trips. He still pays out of benefits. Obviously it's basicly nothing...but he's still paying for uniform and clubs (read: I am now paying for those). I'd have a bit more sympathy if she was struggling for money but she isn't! She knows he was injured - he was in hospital for 8 weeks and has had casts, crutches and multiple operations since. Hard to miss that!

He offered to have them at mine after school more but she said no extra time unless it was at "his" and not my house . That's a spare room in his relatives' house in a different town so not practical for after school or for his health (long distance driving is still painful).

I have proof of the kerb crawling but it's not much. The rest is hearsay I suppose. I had an actual creepy man stalker at uni and the police were useless then, so I don't know. I feel violated. I don't know ex but it feels like she's got a case file on me. I don't want her to start messing with the contact time more than she already does to spite DP.

Dsd1 has always been like this so it's not new, it's just a thing to work around. She gets professional help, I dont know/care about all the ins and outs of that. Dsd2 is nice enough. Ex has a son from before DP who is also apparently a nice guy so ex's parenting can't be that bad despite her...quirks.

I'm going to ignore all the comments from posters with wildly unrealistic expectations of healing multiple broken bones and the number of employers who want to take on people with loads of physical limitations and hospital appointments.

He did 3 overnights at relatives a week before the accident, then obviously none for a few months, now back to 3 nights plus the days as he's not back to work yet.

In the meantime...some woman is insinuating I'm committing fraud and spying on me. I'd like to work out appropriate course of action considering there are children involved.

I honestly think the best thing you can do is ignore her because any action you take on her will impact on the children. She wants you to react. You could put a camera at your front door that includes the street, to prove evidence of the car going up and down your street. Screen shot all messages and save them, including the ones on your partner’s phone. Basically build up evidence that you can use if needed. At the end of the day it’s just her blowing off hot air and trying to goad you into reacting.

Btw, as you’re the father’s girlfriend you’ll never win on here. Too many posters will automatically view the mother as a victim.

Yes, I see the problem is that DP isn't wealthy and lacks superhero healing factors (and cares for a dying relative on his time off!? JFC) not his ex driving out to the countryside to spy on his "rich weirdo" gf eyeroll

I think I will up the security here. On the off chance it isn't them, it could be a burglar. Its quite rural here. I'm sure the cameras will be used as more evidence it isn't safe enough for her DDs Goodness knows what will happen when relative dies and he moves here full time.

If he has time to look after a terminally ill relative, then he has time to go and get a job and start paying for his children.

He’s doing that while he’s off sick after an injury. He’s not doing it for the fun of it A relative of mine was out of work for nearly 2 years after an accident at work.

You might when he starts contributing alot of her issues will go away

Let’s face it, they won’t will they? She’s one of those women who are obsessed with how much money their ex’s partner has. It will never change.

I can see both sides to this.

From her perspective, the father of her children has been out of work for “ages” and isn’t contributing anything really to raising their children. If you put yourself in her shoes, it sort of makes sense why she might become suspicious or want to fix her not receiving anything for the children.

I’m not trying to be too harsh but essentially your boyfriend isn’t fulfilling all his roles as a father. From what you’ve said he seems relatively involved which is great but children also need financial backing as well from BOTH parents.

I don’t think it constitutes harassment. I would say depending on how comfortable you or DP is explaining this clearly to her. Would also say your DP should do everything in his power to get back into work so he can start fullyA contributing to his children’s upbringing.

Disappointed the replies seem to be surrounding OP’s DP’s maintenance to ex rather than the issue that OP came here for advice on, which is harassment. Any CM is between the child’s parents and shouldn’t involve DP, especially not to the extent she can expect to be harassed in her own home.

Your DP needs to stop discussing your finances with her or getting drawn into any conversations. If she’s concerned she isn’t getting what’s due she can open a case with CMS. This has nothing to do with you. I would ask him to send a closed response along the lines of “TOCO’s income isn’t a consideration for CM purposes and I’d be grateful if you didn’t concern yourself with the details any further.”

Can you get some CCTV, it’s relatively cheap to fit and install and might make anyone think twice re taking pics or continuing to drive by your house just to nose. I’d be cautious about making an accusations at this point whilst not being certain.

If you do at any point feel threatened, absolutely call the police. You do not deserve to feel like that in your own home.

Well, yes, I can see why she would be concerned that the money went down so much (he sends more than the minimum when he can afford it) but he got smashed into a pulp while he was cycling. Not sure what he can do other than apply for jobs and do his physio tbh. There's not an abundance of suitable jobs here and he can't drive for long commutes yet so it's just waiting. If he'd been left disabled she'd get £7? a week forever. I suppose if he died his kids would have got some insurance money, sadly the car wasn't going faster

(That was sarcasm)

Still not a reason to pester me.

Sounds quite horrendous op. I have been through similar and it’s truly awful. No real advice but for me the best thing for my sanity and my relationship is to ignore everything. It’s immaterial to my life now. The constant lies and just pure nastiness was impacting my health so I avoid anything to do with her. In some cases I’ve had to get new social media accounts and I’m locked down everywhere. It was the only way. I’m not really sure quite what her obsession is with me though, but either way it’s quite scary.

I do think it must be hard for your dp’s ex only having such a minimal amount of maintenance. It would certainly irk me if I were to find myself in that situation.

She’s just going to have to wait until he’s fully recovered!
If they were still together it would be no different. The children would still get minimal financial support from him while he’s out of work. What makes her think he can just magically produce money now they aren’t together?

I'm going to set up CCTV at the house. I already have it at my yard and in my garden but it didn't catch the possible intruder my neighbour saw. So I can't be 100% sure it wasn't them and not thieves. But no local thefts yet...!

DP doesn't discuss in depth with her. Tells her it's none of her business, that I bought the house, horses before I met him etc but I'll get him to send it in writing, that's a good idea. That's a good idea. She's been stalking my shop and business-related SM and trying to work out how much I make and if that could pay for my house and animals alone etc based on what's been sold. Ridiculous, but I can't stop it because I need both to continue the business. My personal SM has now been deactivated b/c someone was showing her and I couldn't work out who.

Her badmouthing me (and DP) to people in town is pissing me off too, again I don't think I can stop her but ignoring it isn't working so far.

Let her bad mouth you, she will only be showing herself up, anyone that matters won’t listen. She must have form for being a bit crazy? Her behaviour doesn’t reflect well.

oh gosh OP, I'm sorry. I'm going through this too - it's mad. My stalker even joined my cycling club. Even though she lived 100s of miles away. She wrote to my boyfriend. She's insane. I've taken legal advice and involved the police.

I didn't think she did have form for being proper crazy. Bitchy, sure. But she sticks to the contact schedule they have reasonably well, looks after her kids properly, is quite successful in her own job, is quite a together person, has no addiction etc. She got pregnant with DSD2 against DP's wishes ( she said she had an IUD fitted...but did not.) which is kinda crazy I suppose. But, she didn't do any of this with either of his previous gfs or when he was made redundant a while back. Just made snide comments about them/him...not suddenly decide they were committing fraud !! Bit of an escalation there!

Money makes people crazy!

She's totally not what I expected for a stalker type. Involving her family as well is just
Nasty rumours is one thing ; I had a rough time with that all the way from school til I moved away for uni. I can just about handle that. If this fraud nonsense harms my professional reputation I don't know what I will do!

You’re giving it too much headspace. She’s one lady with an axe to grind, she’s not going to have the impact you’re fearing.

Probably. The thought of dealing with this family and DSD1 forever, plus the whole DP's and his relative's health situation is getting me down a bit. This time of year is very hard at work for me too. I'm exhausted and not really trusting my judgement at the moment.

I understand. Always said it’s not the step children that are the issue but the collateral.

I hope you work through this.