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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

My SO only argue when my son is home

37 replies

BeingMom78 · 27/10/2019 21:38

I’m at a loss.
My SO and I only argue on the weeks We have my son (he’s 3). (Every other week)
we have his two daughters (8 and 4) full time, but it used to be every other weekend. But we got them full time after their Bio mom became homeless.
my SO constantly accuses me of favoring my child and it drives me crazy. I treat his children like they are my own. I have taken them on trips, I have paid for birthdays, I have layed in bed with those girls on nights they were sick. I wake them up get them dressed, take them to school, pick them up. Cook dinner. I'm a full time business owner as well.
He gets overly defensive of them when they have done something wrong.
The thing is, I have these girls more than I have my own son.
I'm just at my end after today.
All of the kids were being bad today, jumping off of furniture, screaming, running in the house, and hitting eachother. I kept telling them that if they couldn't behave they would all have to take a nap. They had time out several times. So finally I made them all take a nap after standing in the corner. My son never cried or fussed. He laid down and took a nap. The girls on the other hand screamed for 2 hours and wouldn't lie down. So when my son woke up,I asked my So, and I let him go across the street to his grandmothers because the girls were still in trouble. As soon as I was getting ready to walk him over. My SO starts in on how he gets special treatment and how I'm rewarding bad behavior.
From my point of view, my son did what he was told, and his punishment was over.
I'm just at a loss and don't know weather I'm in the right or wrong.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Pumpkintopf · 27/10/2019 23:50

Op you sound very grounded and sensible. I hope the chat with your partner is useful and productive.

Original poster

BeingMom78 · 27/10/2019 23:51

@Pumpkintopf
I try my best.
Thank you for the support and kind words!

OP posts:

UnbowedUnbentUnbroken · 28/10/2019 06:53

If my OHs kids were doing that to me and he didn't come in ENTIRELY on my side and fire at least one out an open window (joke) I'd be gone.

swingofthings · 28/10/2019 07:59

You sound like a wonderful SM, very dedicated and indeed treating the girls like yours in many ways. From the example you've described, it doesn't seem that the difference is his kids vs yours, but an age matter.

I do think you got it wrong with the way you dealt with the bad behaviour. Punishing a 3yo with a nap is not appropriate punishment because that's something they would probably do anyway. They did what you asked because it's not real hardship to have a nap at 3. By 4, depending on the child, it could be, by 8, it is a totally unreasonable punishment if they were indeed expected to sleep. I agree that to then rewarding your son for doing something that was only natural to him was in a way showing favouritism.

However, these things happen. You are used to raising a 3 year old, you don't yet have experience of raising an 8yo. It shouldn't be a case of accusing each other, but of taking things through together to come up with discipline methods you both agree with.

Take time with your oh and discuss scenarios and what you'll adhere to in form of discipline. Make sure you point out that you need to feel valued for the role you pay in your sd's life, but at the same time, don't close your mind up to him expressing some dissatisfaction with some methods you are using.

mummmy2017 · 28/10/2019 08:10

I think you need to remind him of just how many hours you care alone for the girls, that your son only get you with two other children and that maybe both of you need to have 121 time with your own children.
Bet he won't like having to dad up .

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 28/10/2019 08:16

I couldn't be with someone who resented my son so much that it caused arguments everytime he was there that's not fair on you're little boy.

Branleuse · 28/10/2019 08:20

Of course you damn well prefer your own child who you only get to see 50% of the time. Jeez. He expects you to do the lion share of parenting his kids AND he expects you to treat them preferentially to your own? Where the fuck was he?
Tell him to parent his own kids if he doesnt like your style

Troels · 28/10/2019 08:30

Sounds like it's time he found his own place and parented his own children. You don't need this grief in your life, concentrate on your own child.

AmIThough · 28/10/2019 08:41

It's really hard taking on other people's children, especially if you spend more time with them than your own son.
Don't take much notice of the posters making out you're terrible, you're not.

Would it be a better idea to ask them to go and sit quietly and read a book or something similar while they calm down, rather than telling them to take a nap?

I think you and your DP need to sit down together and write some ground rules, and discuss punishments when the rules are broken, so that you're on the same page.

You need to make it clear to him how difficult it has been to take on these girls on your own, and that your son deserves the same treatment from him.
If he opened up to you, you'd probably find he feels guilty that the girls have had to much upheaval and he doesn't want them to wind up resenting and blaming you both.

ChilledBee · 28/10/2019 09:11

There's nothing wrong with time outs but punishment naps are silly.

GrumpyHoonMain · 28/10/2019 11:38

Honestly I don’t think this relationship has a future any more. Take your kid and leave

HeckyPeck · 29/10/2019 14:58

Don't take much notice of the posters making out you're terrible, you're not.

Absolutely! You’re doing far more than would be reasonable for a step parent & instead of being grateful he’s throwing it in your face.

It is his job to parent his children, but it sounds like you do pretty much everything. What does he actually do to parent? Other than point out your flaws of course.

I would not be doing with this OP. Life is too short and you should be spending it in a pleasant environment and having time with your child.

Honestly? I’d give him one chance to step up and parent his kids and if he didn’t I’d be out.

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