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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

My SO only argue when my son is home

37 replies

BeingMom78 · 27/10/2019 21:38

I’m at a loss.
My SO and I only argue on the weeks We have my son (he’s 3). (Every other week)
we have his two daughters (8 and 4) full time, but it used to be every other weekend. But we got them full time after their Bio mom became homeless.
my SO constantly accuses me of favoring my child and it drives me crazy. I treat his children like they are my own. I have taken them on trips, I have paid for birthdays, I have layed in bed with those girls on nights they were sick. I wake them up get them dressed, take them to school, pick them up. Cook dinner. I'm a full time business owner as well.
He gets overly defensive of them when they have done something wrong.
The thing is, I have these girls more than I have my own son.
I'm just at my end after today.
All of the kids were being bad today, jumping off of furniture, screaming, running in the house, and hitting eachother. I kept telling them that if they couldn't behave they would all have to take a nap. They had time out several times. So finally I made them all take a nap after standing in the corner. My son never cried or fussed. He laid down and took a nap. The girls on the other hand screamed for 2 hours and wouldn't lie down. So when my son woke up,I asked my So, and I let him go across the street to his grandmothers because the girls were still in trouble. As soon as I was getting ready to walk him over. My SO starts in on how he gets special treatment and how I'm rewarding bad behavior.
From my point of view, my son did what he was told, and his punishment was over.
I'm just at a loss and don't know weather I'm in the right or wrong.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

coffeecow · 27/10/2019 21:43

I'm not sure I would expect a 4 or 8 year old to be able to nap on demand. Perhaps a different punishment might have been more appropriate for them?
It sounds like a stressful situation though.

Elieza · 27/10/2019 21:44

He’s an arse. Can he really not see you’re ending over backwards to be a good person to them all, even if you aren’t the mum of all of them. Tell him what you’ve just told us.

Original poster

BeingMom78 · 27/10/2019 21:56

I didn’t expect them to nap on demand, but they needed to lie down at least for a while. But they were swinging from the bunks and screaming. And throwing fits. They wouldn’t do anything they were told.

OP posts:

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 27/10/2019 21:59

You make children stand in the corner? sounds like neither of you are very good at parenting.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 27/10/2019 22:01

BTW you shouldn’t be raising children for someone who isn’t at least married to you. You’re his unpaid nanny. And you’re getting no thanks for it.

backaftera2yearbreak · 27/10/2019 22:02

This was my biggest fear when I slit up with my ex husband. My son would end up with a step mum like you.

Original poster

BeingMom78 · 27/10/2019 22:08

Soo... I’m a bad step mom because I made them have a time out in a corner?
I don’t put my hands on them, I don’t scream...
I made them lay in their beds a while and I’m terrible. Wow ok.

OP posts:

icantgetnosleep8 · 27/10/2019 22:12

@BeingMom78
Step parents always get a hard time on MN
You're SO is being over sensitive and unreasonable. Tell him next time he can be in charge of calming his own children down, whilst you and your DS go out.

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 27/10/2019 22:15

I said “not very good at parenting”. Did I say bad step mom? No. Did I say terrible? No. Stop exaggerating.

You have children you say are swinging off bunk beds, screaming, fighting and hitting, throwing fits and refusing to do what theyre told and screamed for 2 hours. You did not have a handle on that situation.

Original poster

BeingMom78 · 27/10/2019 22:16

@icantgetnosleep8 thank you.
90% of the time, these girls are very well behaved. They rarely have days like this.
I think my biggest issue is that I try my best to treat them how I would treat my own son and then am accused to favoring him.
He got the exact same punishments as them.
Every week that my DS is home my SO and I have the SAME argument.
I just want to figure out how to stop have the same fight over and over.

OP posts:

InsertFunnyUsername · 27/10/2019 22:19

You'll stop having the same fight over and over when you tell him to fuck off.

You have his kids more than your own child and he is moaning about special treatment? Sounds more like resentment to me. Arsehole.

Original poster

BeingMom78 · 27/10/2019 22:21

@IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory
What would you suggest.
The corner didn’t work, and it seems that you disagree with that punishment.
These girls haven’t had the most stable home in the past, and they have days where they act out like this.
I’m new to it and trying to figure out a better way.

OP posts:

aSofaNearYou · 27/10/2019 22:22

This was my biggest fear when I slit up with my ex husband. My son would end up with a step mum like you.

That was your biggest fear, really?
You can't think of anything worse?

Expecting them to nap on demand would obviously be unreasonable but expecting them to go to their room and not scream for hours as a result is not. Your son did what you asked and they didn't so it's natural his punishment would end sooner. I can totally see why it would be annoying if your partner is constantly looking for favouritism from you when he also uses you for free childcare. That is very unreasonable of him.

Original poster

BeingMom78 · 27/10/2019 22:24

@aSofaNearYou
Thank you,
That’s is exactly how I’m feeling right now.
I love these kids, and I love him.
I am just so frustrated about having this argument all the time.

OP posts:

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 27/10/2019 22:26

What would you suggest.

That their parent raises them and you raise yours. They play up because they know you and him aren’t singing from the same hymn sheet. They know you aren’t a united front. So they’re playing on that. Until he starts raising them properly himself they’ll not behave for you.

Original poster

BeingMom78 · 27/10/2019 22:33

@IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory
I can agree that sometimes we have different parenting styles.
But I feel that parenting our children separately under the same roof would be more difficult, and would only solidify that they dint have to listen to me.

OP posts:

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 27/10/2019 22:35

But I feel that parenting our children separately under the same roof would be more difficult

Indeed. Have you considered parenting them separately under different roofs?

Original poster

BeingMom78 · 27/10/2019 22:45

@IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory

When their Biomom wound up homeless,
My SO had no choice but to take them on full time. He lived 2 hours from me when that happened, and he didn’t have family to help.
Due to his work schedule there it would have been almost impossible to get them too and from school on time. Getting a different job wouldn’t have been a great option either, due to them having to come to his house immediately.

We had been together for a year and a half, so we had decided to take it on together. So he moved in and I took care of all the financials until he got a job.
(We didn’t meet each others children until 8 months of seeing eachother)

Your suggestion isn’t impossible, but I feel like it would be hard on the girls being moved a third time, and hard on my son as well. He’s gotten used to having a father figure in the house. They have been living with me for the last 6 months.

OP posts:

averythinline · 27/10/2019 22:49

well you have tried it and it isnt working.... and is really unfair for your ds to have someone who resents him so much - what sort of father figure is that? this is not fair on you or your DS ...

your SO will just have deal with his children the same way millons of single parents do ...sort out housing/work and childcare....
your relationship may/may not last if you have to live seperately but your DS should come first

MrsP2015 · 27/10/2019 22:52

Sounds really difficult for you- do they act more like this when your son is around? Wonder if they're picking things up from SO as kids are bloody clever!

Tbh I'd be making a plan with SO while kids are at school so you are on the same page with parenting. If he don't like your ways (as you look after his kids a lot) id consider ending things as it'll only get worse.
If the chat/ plan with SO goes well I'd sit the girls down with him there too and say unacceptable behaviour will get .... consequences. I'd also state while your son is there you'll be taking time out to spend with him alone, weather that's outside the home or inside. He's your boy and 121 time is as important as family time. Explain if he was there every day it's different but because contact is limited you need alone time. Maybe SO can then have 121 time with the girls too but more regular so they don't see they get 'shoved off' when your son comes but instead their dad wants some individual time with them.

I'd also get them doing some child like 'team building' games to get them all bonding (if you're wanting this to work out and all stay together). Allow the girls to continue to see you treat them all the same as it sounds like you have already.

Well done for all you do with your step kids- taking on step kids can be hard for women as a lot of men expect the woman to just take on the role of looking after the kids.

Pumpkintopf · 27/10/2019 22:56

I agree it sounds like you're trying your best and doing a lot for your partner and his children.

But your primary duty is to your own son and if this guy has issues around how you parent him that you can't calmly discuss and resolve I'd leave to be honest. The way you acted today sounds fair to me.

Original poster

BeingMom78 · 27/10/2019 22:58

@MrsP2015
Thank you so much for your insight.
I think you’re absolutely right.

I do want this to work out because I love all of them so much. I also agree 121 time is so important for all of us with our littles.
I will absolutely be taking your advice. And 100% agree that If the both of us can’t come to a compromise and learn to parent together, it will only be worse and it will be time to end things.

Both of us are the only people we have brought into the lives of our children. And we both take it very seriously.

I appreciate you.

OP posts:

Original poster

BeingMom78 · 27/10/2019 23:00

@Pumpkintopf
Thank you, I appreciate that.
Luckily the one thing I feel we do right is to never argue in front of the kids.
We always go outside for those conversations.

We talked and have decided we need to have a long serious talk once the kiddos are in bed.
I think we’re both stressed and just trying to learn to navigate this.

OP posts:

IWorkAtTheCheescakeFactory · 27/10/2019 23:11

We had been together for a year and a half, so we had decided to take it on together.

Except you’re doing all the work and getting all the grief. What would he have done in that situation if you didn’t exist? Would he have found a girlfriend really quickly to take on and raise his children? No- he’d have found a solution. But you were there so it was very convenient for him to have you raise them for him. If your relationship broke down he’d find a solution. Please don’t feel you are stuck in this situation. His children are his job to raise- not yours. He hasn’t even married you! How committed is he to you when you’ve committed yourself to raising his children? He’s Not even grateful for it- he’s causing division between all the children and blaming you for it! Stamp that out before it affects your son. You’ll never forgive yourself if you don’t.

Original poster

BeingMom78 · 27/10/2019 23:48

@IWorkAtTheCheesecakeFactory

I agree.
My son is the most important and I’m sure he is feeling the stress as well.
I have a lot to think about and work out.
But I do know that if we continue to have this issue, I will be putting my son and myself first and ending things.
Thank you.

OP posts:

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