Am I an evil step mother?

[Nellytheunicorn]

I live with my OH for about a year now, we have 4 kids, my 4 yo daughter, my 7 yo son, his 12 yo son and his 15 yo daughter. My OH was a single parent for 7 years and has always been super soft on the kids which I didn't realise fully until I moved in. Thekids did and still do nothing in the house even putting laundry in the basket. OH has upped rules and disclipine since I moved in but generally his kids laugh in his face figuratively. My children don't see their dad and my SC see their mum every 2 weeks ata weekend.Anyway SS got diagnosed with autism and ADHD earlier this year and everything wasn't perfect before then but since then everything has gone downhill massively. SS is now using his diagnoses for excuses, "can't tidy my room I have autism" sorry Ihit you I have autism", basically he does have anger issues but was working on them until his diagnoses now if he gets angry he will just hit someone which ends up me or his dad restraining him and ended up him telling his mother I hurt him so she called socialservices on me(case was dropped as I didn't do nothing). We have tried punishments but as mentioned before because his dad has always been soft he doesn't take him serious and clearly doesn't respect me at all. We do have a big problem with him telling taleson me to literally everyone(even his mates online!!!) then spinning them into huge lies. We have talked to him about this but again he don't care. I am really getting resent him being at home and I feel I have to walk around on eggshells and I fear what hewill do to me and my children, my OH is trying to resolve this issue but I just can't trust him or like him more. Does that make me an evil step mother?

Also I feel the same way in regards to my SD she is the laziest girl I have ever known, all the children share a room and regularly my daughter cant get to her bed due to SD throwing clothes all over the floor clean and dirty, we have talked to this about herbut she ignores us. She rarely puts pots by the sink even after a meal at the table, she leaves her shoes and coats everywhere, if she has used a blanket it'll be dumped where she was, I could literally go on forever. OH and I have talked to her to lay downground rules repeatedly but it never works. I feel like a maid wandering around after her and it really annoys me so much as she is well and truly old enough to clean up afterherself.MySS is the sameunfortunately.My2 children are expected to do chores after tea, clean up after themselves and help me where I need them. I worry they will copy the older 2 and I will end up being a maid for 4 so I end up almost slagging off the older 2 to my 2 to makethem realise their behaviour is wrong and I hate doing that. I just wish I never moved in. Ps sorry for the long rant, I needed to get my feelings out.

12 and 15 year olds?

MN is a litany of complaint about this age group: they morph from being delightful primary school children into lazy, rude, forgetful, slobbish teens. (They have good moments too, if course.)

You have been fast tracked to this stage. It will happen to your own children regardless of parenting techniques.

You need to give some generous perspective to the teen stage so that you and your OH can work together to address (support) your DSD ‘s diagnosis and his reaction to it.

Separate this out from the other issues.

How easy would it be to move out?

Why on Earth are they all sharing a room?!

Why did you move in with him?

Move out because you will turn evil if it's kept up.

@sockmachine I don't agree at all - ours are 12, 16 and 18 and with the right parenting they can be taught to pick up after themselves etc. The generalisation that all kids that age are lazy and we should put up with it sounds like an excuse to me.

PS Op you are not an evil step mother. Why on earth should you be the kids maid? Their dad needs to be firmer with them.

Why would you choose to move in together and have four kids, all different ages and some big gaps, share a bedroom? Absolutely ridiculous!

Maybe his dc are rebelling at having to share their room? They shouldn't be sharing with each other never mind 2 extra imo!

I’d move back out

Why would you put your kids in that situation? And for that matter yourself?

If the mud did stick you could’ve lost your own children

Yes this doesn’t sound good for anyone and you are crowding people together

Your parenting styles just don’t tell the ages of your children don’t work either and you are comparing children and teenagers

You need to move out and put your children first. Why did you move in with your boyfriend knowing the sleeping arrangements were so bad?

I think all this has been caused because your step children are now being expected to share their home, including their personal space (bedrooms) with another family that they haven't chosen.
You are not unreasonable to expect good manners and for teenagers to put their own dirty washing in the laundry basket but I think you and your dp have been foolish to move two families into a very small space and then be surprised that there are problems. Children, especially teens, need their own space. At 15 I'd not have been impressed with another woman moving into my house and changing my 'norms'

My advice is to move out until such time as you can both afford a new home that is big enough to accommodate both families and that doesn't have a history of belonging to one family rather than the other.

@sockmachine I don't agree at all - ours are 12, 16 and 18 and with the right parenting they can be taught to pick up after themselves etc
This so make me smile! Some kids are naturally tidy, others are just not and no matter what you do, just won't be.

My mum spent a lot of energy getting me to tidy up, punishments and the rest as did my SM. Never changed a thing. I only became tidy when I owned my home and had my kids. Later my mum admitted she was just the same as a kid.

My kids are both messy, very messy and all the parenting in the world didn't change this. They are great kids in every other way, and amazingly, their school work is exceptionally tidy but their room...no chance.

In any case, how you and your OH thought that moving in together in the circumstances surrounding your lives turn into a positive experience is beyond me! A teenage girl, a boy with issues sharing not only between themselves but with 2 young kids was a disaster waiting to happen. Who benefited from this move but you and your OH? Very selfish decision to inflict on those kids. It was never going to work.

Morning, sorry I realised I forgot to put the bedroom situation clearly as I didn't sleep good last night. The girls share a room and the boys share a room which they all agreed to before we moved in. I understand how teenagers are but it's frustrating how unwilling they are to change. It would be hard moving out unfortunately. I knew the children were messy before moving in but my OH promised he would help with rules and discipline once I moved it and sort their messiness out but I guess it's harder than we thought. All the children get on really well together minus SS occasionly violent outbursts and before moving in we spent a lot of time either at mines or his all together. So we did do checks before we moved in on how well we would all get on but the older 2 have recently become more difficult for no reason :( .

Don’t tolerate it. Everyone in the household is equal. No exceptions. Sit down with H and work our family rules. Then sit down with all the children and setup family rules. You need to make sure your both on the same page before bringing in the kids. Age is irrelevant, family dynamic is irrelevant, disability is irrelevant - but more patience is needed here - disability is a reason sometimes but not an excuse. Personally I would get more advice reference the behavioural issues for your SS so you feel more confident. A diagnosis of this kind can hit a family hard do seek help/ support if you need it.

How often are they there? Asking two teenagers to share with two children is really tough op and unrealistic for the future no matter how much you tested it
A lack of personal space is I suspect a factor in all of this

youre not an evil step mother at all, you're a woman in a shit situation. If I was you i'd call it a day, honestly. I wouldn't have a teenager accusing me of all sorts. What does your husband say about it?

and ignore this It will happen to your own children regardless of parenting techniques

it is not a given that all children become lazy, rude and vicious as soon as they turn 13. It is down to how you parent them.

DSS doesn't speak to me and dp like he speaks to his mother, put it that way. He tidies up after himself in our house, tidies his room, puts his clothes in the wash. He doesn't do any of that at his mothers because she doesn't put her foot down. IMO their attitude has everything to do with how they've been brought up, unfortunately you have had no say in that and are now having to deal with the consequences.

quartz all the kids live there, read the OP!

OP with that age gap, especially the girls and then DSS being autistic it really isn’t the best of set ups. Would you move out? Or are you both in a position to upsize? They don’t have their own space. Your OH needs a massive kick up the arse, and what about some sort of therapy? Why aren’t the kids seeing their mother weekly? What’s going on/happened? Could there be some lasting effects? This is the age it will be coming out. The violence is absolutely no good at all. Maybe take him to the doctors and explain that he himself is using it to excuse violent outbursts. You have your 7 yo sharing a bedroom with your DSS...

Move out

Mmm teenagers can be tricky at the best of times and it sounds like the changes in the household have exacerbated the issues. You don't sound evil - just frustrated! (And sensibly thinking about the future). However if you want to stay with your partner the favourite MN saying, that his kids come as part of the package, is going apply. For the son would perhaps a course/support group in dealing with teenagers with autism/ADHD help? That way you get strategies (and support) from other parents in the same boat, and also have more answers when he claims his behaviour is a result of his diagnosis (some may be, some may not). Online forums or the national autistic society can point you in the right direction for these (if you are in UK). Is he violent towards your other children? Or are you worried he may be?

I think the reality of sharing can be very different to the idea of it. Especially when the kids aren't matched in terms of natural tendency towards being tidy/untidy.

They may have agreed to it, but it doesn’t mean they wanted it, or are happy with it.

Read the teen threads. A lot of them are about messy rooms. The advice is generally to shut the bedroom door and ignore it. Whilst some people on here have perfect teens, l don’t!

You can try and make them tidy through punishments/rewards, but at that age it’s about picking your battles.

You’ve haven’t experienced it before that’s why it’s a shock. I had 2 dss, 1ds, and dd 13. Only one was tidy.

You need to move house or move out. It just sounds so overcrowded. Teens need space. I remember going to see a counsellor before we combined families. The one thing which l still remember now, is that step families need more psychological and physical space than normal families.

Even though we were skint we got a 5 bedroom house so everyone had a separate room. This was really important. There is nowhere to escape when you get on each other’s nerves in your house. And the need to escape is big in a step family.

Still together 20 years later, but doubt we would be if they hadn’t had separate rooms.

All these threads go on about partner being more lenient etc. But they can’t all be like that! It’s natural to feel your step children need more discipline because they aren’t yours. But it’s not always true, and you have to ignore or rude above a lot if the time.

Being a step parent imo, is about biting your tongue more often, ignoring, and being more tolerant. It’s not the same as a normal family and all members should have their own space to retreat to when things get tough

I moved into another family's house and had to share a room with 4 other girls. It was a fucking nightmare. Two bunk beds and one single in the middle.

If my mum had said then, lets move back out - me and my brother would have bitten her arm off. We had such a lovely house before that. In a lovely area. Things would have been so different.