Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Am I an evil step mother?

119 replies

Nellytheunicorn · 19/08/2019 09:10

I live with my OH for about a year now, we have 4 kids, my 4 yo daughter, my 7 yo son, his 12 yo son and his 15 yo daughter. My OH was a single parent for 7 years and has always been super soft on the kids which I didn't realise fully until I moved in. Thekids did and still do nothing in the house even putting laundry in the basket. OH has upped rules and disclipine since I moved in but generally his kids laugh in his face figuratively. My children don't see their dad and my SC see their mum every 2 weeks ata weekend.Anyway SS got diagnosed with autism and ADHD earlier this year and everything wasn't perfect before then but since then everything has gone downhill massively. SS is now using his diagnoses for excuses, "can't tidy my room I have autism" sorry Ihit you I have autism", basically he does have anger issues but was working on them until his diagnoses now if he gets angry he will just hit someone which ends up me or his dad restraining him and ended up him telling his mother I hurt him so she called socialservices on me(case was dropped as I didn't do nothing). We have tried punishments but as mentioned before because his dad has always been soft he doesn't take him serious and clearly doesn't respect me at all. We do have a big problem with him telling taleson me to literally everyone(even his mates online!!!) then spinning them into huge lies. We have talked to him about this but again he don't care. I am really getting resent him being at home and I feel I have to walk around on eggshells and I fear what hewill do to me and my children, my OH is trying to resolve this issue but I just can't trust him or like him more. Does that make me an evil step mother?

Also I feel the same way in regards to my SD she is the laziest girl I have ever known, all the children share a room and regularly my daughter cant get to her bed due to SD throwing clothes all over the floor clean and dirty, we have talked to this about herbut she ignores us. She rarely puts pots by the sink even after a meal at the table, she leaves her shoes and coats everywhere, if she has used a blanket it'll be dumped where she was, I could literally go on forever. OH and I have talked to her to lay downground rules repeatedly but it never works. I feel like a maid wandering around after her and it really annoys me so much as she is well and truly old enough to clean up afterherself.MySS is the sameunfortunately.My2 children are expected to do chores after tea, clean up after themselves and help me where I need them. I worry they will copy the older 2 and I will end up being a maid for 4 so I end up almost slagging off the older 2 to my 2 to makethem realise their behaviour is wrong and I hate doing that. I just wish I never moved in. Ps sorry for the long rant, I needed to get my feelings out.

OP posts:

TwentyEight12 · 21/08/2019 01:04

@GreenTulips

I revoke my apologies.

In the original post, it says:
All the children share a room

I have no idea what you are talking about regards fire risks about boarding a loft floor. It’s pretty common for people to board the floors of their lofts. B&Q has a whole page designated to it, don’t think they’d be recommending it if it was a fire risk or perhaps they are just ‘daft’.

Good evening to you.

TwentyEight12 · 21/08/2019 02:05

@GreenTulips

Uh no. I think what you mean is that the diagnosis means nothing to you.

Violence and abuse aren’t excusable per se, however the autistic ADHD 12 year old has been officially and medically diagnosed by doctors and not people on Mumsnet.

As I understand it, people with these conditions do not always know how to control or process their emotions in the same or similar way that another otherwise normal or healthy person does and physical lashing out is common in them. I am not saying it is right or ok that a much younger child is being hit due to another child’s medical issues however.

BUT, I do not feel it is ok for you to publicly announce that she is willingly and purposefully allowing her child to be hit because she wants to keep her relationship. That is shaming and guilt-tripping.

The original poster has already said she is going to give it another 6 months and make a call after that.

Let us be grown-ups and compassionately wish her good luck on what must be a very tough situation all round for all? So that she may come back here safely if it does not work out or if she would like more support/advice?

And yes, I see that she made an error regards the kids bedrooms in the original post and that they are two to a room. Nevertheless, more space would surely be advantageous in this situation regardless if at all possible. Not everyone can afford or has an option for ideals. Sometimes, actually a lot of the time, people make the best or better of less than ideal situations.

All the best

Redred2429 · 21/08/2019 02:26

Op you need to put yourself back on the council housing list it seems that you do not have step childrens best interest at heart you see him as a good father for your children but don't see his children as your own your giving your children what you feel they need while turning SC lifes upsidedown

MO2x · 21/08/2019 02:43

In theory. I think you both should look for a new house with just a bit more space. Even go on your local council list and encourage them to keep their rooms clean if you decorate for them etc... but for now you need to stick to your rules. I moved in with my dh when I was 17 and he had 4 kids already. Oldest been 12 at the time and it was hard setting rules but they soon figured what I said went!
They used to throw all their ironed clothes on the floor so I stopped ironing them an they learnt themselves, they used to have to help wash up (once I became pregnant with my ds) tidy their rooms an make their own beds everyday. Literally to the point of if they wasn't in for allocated time of a night and was late they went straight to bed no games or phones allowed. as for clothes been left around the house. They went in the bin (I pretended until they learnt and eventually got it all back lol). And if they didn't have their tea before they went out after school they didn't go out. Little things we did eventually paid off. Even as the oldest when he turned 15 put us through HELL he soon realised we was always guna know better and after a few tough weeks it was a happy house even though one was grounded for about 4 weeks straight with no games or phone or social media haha. I did feel cruel but he does thank me now he's 18 and has his own kid and house!

BellyButton85 · 21/08/2019 03:01

You are putting your own happiness ahead of the happiness of your step children but most of all safety of your children and that is YOUR responsibility and YOURS alone. You say their dad is as useful as a holey sock, your hardly acting mother of the year are you? Your step children were neglected by their own mother and you, quite simply are doing the same to yours

TwentyEight12 · 21/08/2019 03:11

@BellyButton85

Your shaming of the original poster is not pleasant.

Do you have any constructive advice or support for her?

GreenTulips · 21/08/2019 08:19

TwentyEight12 from the OP

I want to move out but it's a shame to throw 3 years away so quickly

There no shame in her moving her children to a safe environment, she can continue to date dad and have him in her children’s lives, and at a safe distance his children.

Living together has become a melting pot.

Holidaysmoliday · 21/08/2019 08:27

I have four kids and none of them have resorted to violence during sibling arguments.

Can you sit down with the older tow and talk through the issues calmly and explain how much you want to find a solution that you can all work with?

Tbh two years together before you moved all the kids in to a small house as a unit was way way too soon.

It’s too much pressure for all of you

lunar1 · 21/08/2019 09:43

Your not an evil stepmother by any means, but in your stepchildren's eyes you probably are. They have lived their way with their dad parenting them for 7 years before you came along.

They must have gone through a rough time in their early years with their mum. Now you are here, with your children who are the 'good' ones, his children the 'bad' ones. You are in their home, their bedrooms and you want your children to see your partner as their father figure.

You also brought with you new rules to follow and have changed the relationship they have with their dad, all the while DSS has been going through his autism diagnosis.

It's too much in a very short space of time, and all the while all four children are suffering. You are letting your young child share a room with someone who has hurt him, where is his safe space?

This isn't going to get any better as puberty hits over the next year for DSS. You need to talk to your partner about helping you with the initial outlay for a rented home-for all your sakes. You don't have to separate, but it's incredibly unfair for everyone to have to live like this, wishing away his children's childhoods is just awful.

BlewGoose · 21/08/2019 11:17

@TwentyEight12 oh do fuck off. I have 2 autistic children. I don't "believe" in autism. It's not a fairy tale. It's a diagnosis.

TwentyEight12 · 21/08/2019 11:23

@GreenTulips

Yes, she wants to see if she can find a resolution to the situation other than moving out...

And?

combatbarbie · 21/08/2019 11:29

Can the room be divided by a stud wall or curtain etc? Then just leave all the mess on her side.... She'll soon learn when she can't find anything.

Teens are hard, SC who are teens are even harder but if it's going to work everyone needs to be on the same page.

Autism is not an excuse for laziness and violence and if that's the attitude now they will get a massive shock in a few years.

combatbarbie · 21/08/2019 11:33

And don't be a maid.... Get a box for each of the kids, if it's left where its not supposed to be dump it in there. We done this for the kids for a while and it soon sunk in. If she's mixing dirty/clean laundry, don't touch it.

TwentyEight12 · 21/08/2019 11:42

@BlewGoose

Hahahahaha!

Well, if you go around speaking to others in the way you just have to me, no wonder your kids think it’s also ok to behave badly to others. Autism or no autism.

BlewGoose · 21/08/2019 11:44

@TwentyEight12 Where did I say my children think it's ok to behave badly around others? Are you having trouble with comprehension?

TwentyEight12 · 21/08/2019 11:52

@BlewGoose

I never said at any point that I personally did not believe that autism or ADHD were not real conditions. In-fact, I said that the majority of society does agree that they are.

Sadly you did not comprehend what I had said and told me to ‘fuck off’.

I’m afraid that’s the end of our conversation.

BlewGoose · 21/08/2019 12:06

@TwentyEight12 Indeed.

pikapikachu · 21/08/2019 12:12

You're not an evil stepmother at all but the teen stepchildren will think that you are because they think you've "forced" their Dad to change and that "old Dad" is the "Real Dad". 7 years is half of the 15yo's life and it will take much longer than 1 year to undo the bad habits of 7 years. Is Dad fully on board with the rules? If he only reacts when you point out their behaviour or he is unsure and asks you before tackling stuff then they will see it as evidence of you being the "problem" rather than Dad. He shouldn't have asked you to move in until this was much more sorted tbh.

Personally I'd move out pronto for my kids sakes. They will probably eventually resist cleaning etc if you stay. The rules should be the same for everyone like at school.

pikapikachu · 21/08/2019 12:20

Having read your updates, it's not normal at all for 12yo to hit 4 and 7yo. I have boys who enjoy a play fight but they only do that with people who are a similar size. Name calling is understandable but I'm assuming it's more "annoying, stupid" rather than "cunt, shitstain" sort of insults.

It would be best for the kids to have separate homes imo. Your kids won't accept being Second Class forever.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread