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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Am I an evil step mother?

119 replies

Nellytheunicorn · 19/08/2019 09:10

I live with my OH for about a year now, we have 4 kids, my 4 yo daughter, my 7 yo son, his 12 yo son and his 15 yo daughter. My OH was a single parent for 7 years and has always been super soft on the kids which I didn't realise fully until I moved in. Thekids did and still do nothing in the house even putting laundry in the basket. OH has upped rules and disclipine since I moved in but generally his kids laugh in his face figuratively. My children don't see their dad and my SC see their mum every 2 weeks ata weekend.Anyway SS got diagnosed with autism and ADHD earlier this year and everything wasn't perfect before then but since then everything has gone downhill massively. SS is now using his diagnoses for excuses, "can't tidy my room I have autism" sorry Ihit you I have autism", basically he does have anger issues but was working on them until his diagnoses now if he gets angry he will just hit someone which ends up me or his dad restraining him and ended up him telling his mother I hurt him so she called socialservices on me(case was dropped as I didn't do nothing). We have tried punishments but as mentioned before because his dad has always been soft he doesn't take him serious and clearly doesn't respect me at all. We do have a big problem with him telling taleson me to literally everyone(even his mates online!!!) then spinning them into huge lies. We have talked to him about this but again he don't care. I am really getting resent him being at home and I feel I have to walk around on eggshells and I fear what hewill do to me and my children, my OH is trying to resolve this issue but I just can't trust him or like him more. Does that make me an evil step mother?

Also I feel the same way in regards to my SD she is the laziest girl I have ever known, all the children share a room and regularly my daughter cant get to her bed due to SD throwing clothes all over the floor clean and dirty, we have talked to this about herbut she ignores us. She rarely puts pots by the sink even after a meal at the table, she leaves her shoes and coats everywhere, if she has used a blanket it'll be dumped where she was, I could literally go on forever. OH and I have talked to her to lay downground rules repeatedly but it never works. I feel like a maid wandering around after her and it really annoys me so much as she is well and truly old enough to clean up afterherself.MySS is the sameunfortunately.My2 children are expected to do chores after tea, clean up after themselves and help me where I need them. I worry they will copy the older 2 and I will end up being a maid for 4 so I end up almost slagging off the older 2 to my 2 to makethem realise their behaviour is wrong and I hate doing that. I just wish I never moved in. Ps sorry for the long rant, I needed to get my feelings out.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 19/08/2019 12:06

So he hits your young children. Brilliant.

A violent 12 year old hitting a 4 year old isn’t a “scrap” Hmm You wait and see how relaxed school will be about one of your two showing up with bruises or marks and tells the teacher it’s fine, mum says it’s okay, just a scrap...

Your children don’t need a father figure and step siblings who aren’t always violent more than they need an actual mother who puts them first and gives them a home that is safe, comfortable, big enough, clean and happy. You’re being extremely selfish.

It’s one thing not knowing exactly what to expect when you try to blend families. Every sympathy with you there. But you did know you and your partner had completely different parenting styles, that the house was a tip, that his expectations of them were minimal, that they’d been neglected by their mother, that the house was far too small, that you were giving up affordable secure accommodation and putting your children and yourself at risk. If he decides to break up with you you have no rights to stay anyway, all 3 of you would be out on your arses.

I’m genuinely baffled by your approach here. Stuff on the floor is the least of your worries. You’re seemingly fixated on having a dad for your kids. I’m sure their lives were better when they only had you and weren’t being beaten by a much bigger kid with anger issues who they can’t have known that long.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 19/08/2019 12:09

@swingofthings they're at our house 3 nights a week.

gottagetouttahere · 19/08/2019 12:10

You need to make up your mind, OP. Is it scraps, or are you actually just surprised at these replies and are you now minimising the violence you were so fearful of because your kids "need" a new dad and you don't want the hassle of moving in with your parents?

swingofthings · 19/08/2019 12:15

@JoanMavisIcecreamGirl,
Well if they are lazy and their mum cleaned for them, that's another matter.

My kids are definitely not lazy and I certainly don't see it my job to do. They are just messy by nature and don't mind it at all. This is something tidy people just can't get their heads around but doesn't mean all messy kids can be made to become tidy just by disciplining them.

Chocolate, how old are you CS?

GlitchStitch · 19/08/2019 12:17

Spot on AnneLovesGilbert.

Quartz2208 · 19/08/2019 12:28

So you have two children who have been removed from their mother for neglect the oldest of whom has behavioural issues and are older than yours who presumably have learnt to see their rooms as safe space. You then decide to add into this more rules and that they share with a 4 and 7 year old. What did you think through OP everyone needs space here as a minimum

MrsDimmond · 19/08/2019 12:41

You are not a wicked step mother but persisting with a situation that is clearly not in any of the children's best interests is unreasonable.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 19/08/2019 12:43

@swingofthings my DSS's are 12 and 18 (eldest is going to uni next month so he can live in his mess there if he wants to!) My DD is 16 and can be messy but again I nag her into submission. I refuse to pick up after 3 kids! Luckily we have a cleaner however she can't clean a room if it's a tip and there's crap everywhere!

swingofthings · 19/08/2019 12:58

My DD is 16 and can be messy but again I nag her into submission
I did this for sometime and saw my kids withdrawing from me and not talk to me about important matters. I decided to pick my battles.

Communal rooms are not for discussion but their room, their mess to live in.

The issue here is clearly 4 kids sharing one room. Mess is not an option but expecting a 15yo to live in these conditions which are new to them is very wrong.

BlewGoose · 19/08/2019 13:12

I think the situation you have is going to harm all the kids in the long term. You seem really relaxed about a much older child hurting a younger one. They aren't siblings and it isn't a scrap. You were frankly a fool to give up a council house and you need to get back on the list ASAP.

hsegfiugseskufh · 19/08/2019 13:36

"messy by nature" - so lazy then, swing

its absolutely not your job to tidy up after them, but I do think you should try and teach them that's its not really ok to be like that.

I feel for their future partners and kids.

hsegfiugseskufh · 19/08/2019 13:36

the issue here is clearly 4 kids sharing one room

theyre not sharing one room. The boys share and the girls share.

TwentyEight12 · 19/08/2019 13:52

Having been the partner to a man with three biologically related children and no special needs or medical issues in any of them... they still behaved like this. They physically scrapped and verbally abused each other all the time. There were very few days that went by when there wasn’t an incident of some sort or another. It wasn’t about having their own rooms or not, the scrapping between them would take place in communal areas such as the lounge, kitchen, garden, supermarket, park, swimming pool... and others. You end up being the referee which is exhausting. In the end I decided to stop being used as their referee and informed them that it was up to them to choose to war or make peace with each other. I have seen on other threads that some deal with it by informing the kids that if they are caught scrapping that all involved will receive the same consequences regardless of individual pleas. Personally, I think that’s a very good way to attempt to deal with it. It stops you from having to take sides and puts the emphasis back on the kids to manage themselves. I appreciate that it might be quite difficult with a 4year old as their understanding is not as developed or as evolved.
But perhaps it could be applied to the others?

ExhaustedGrinch · 19/08/2019 13:57

even thought SS occasionly hits them

OP would you want to continue to live there if your OH occasionally hit you? Would you feel safe and secure in your home? Hmm Time to put your children first.

TwentyEight12 · 19/08/2019 14:57

I just had a thought on the living arrangements... I realise it’s a bit maverick but hear me out please.

If you cannot financially move out to a bigger place and the kids are driving each other up the wall due to sharing a room... and you are living in a house with a useable loft space... is there any way that the loft space could be your new bedroom? Yes I understand it won’t have a window and only a set of loft ladders but if the loft hatch is big enough, a futon mattress and futon slatted bed may be able to be squeezed up in there as would a hanging rail for clothes etc as they all come in parts you can assemble once in situ.

Fans could replace the window for ventilation and it is inexpensive to board a loft floor if your partner does the work.

It is not necessarily a permanent solution to the problem, but it may be a good temporary solution?

Then the kids are two to a room and each room can be cleverly partitioned to provide each child with their own bedroom space...

Just a thought

Original poster
Nellytheunicorn · 19/08/2019 15:56

Thank you all. It's a difficult decision for me, me and my OH have been together 3 years and moved in for one year, I knew his parenting skills were lacking and he is trying his best I hope. I guess I have to accept that my SC are the way they are, I won't allow my SD to run amok but maybe allow certain teenage behaviours like a messy bedroom(as long as it's on her half). I am unsure whether my SS is nasty and beats up my 2 or whether it's just sibling scrapping. My 2 aren't totally bothered by it they usually give as good back!! I am more bothered as it seems such horrible behaviour. Tbh they all call each other names and have a little scrap occasionly but maybe his is escalated due to his autism( he doesn't recognise emotions and feelings) so maybe he doesn't realise when he is taking it too far. I want to move out but it's a shame to throw 3 years away so quickly, I am going work on it for 6 months, get my SS help with his anger, talk to my OH about enforcing discipline and rules and see how it goes.

OP posts:
Aderyn19 · 19/08/2019 16:06

Another thing you could do is to give your kids the double bedroom to share with each other and sleep in the living room on a sofa bed. The older kids need their own rooms and your two also need a safe space of their own.

WitchyMcpooface · 19/08/2019 16:56

Good luck nelly

MrsDimmond · 19/08/2019 17:03

I think Aderyn19's suggestion is a very sensible one.

Please also focus on understanding dss's autism /adhd before trying to discipline or get him "help with his anger".

I think Bill Nason's approach is sound and clearly explained.

If you're on facebook look up the autism discussion page. Or get the books

Am I an evil step mother?
Am I an evil step mother?
HeckyPeck · 20/08/2019 20:41

My 2 aren't totally bothered by it they usually give as good back

There is no way that a 4 year old and 7 year old give as good back to a 12 year old!

It’s really not on that they are being hit by a much older child.

BlewGoose · 20/08/2019 23:12

I'd be appalled if my 12 year old physically lashed out at my 7 year old never mind my 4 year old. There's something seriously wrong with these dynamics.

GreenTulips · 21/08/2019 00:40

*TwentyEight12£

The kids aren’t 4 to a room, it’s been said many times the girls share and the boys share.
Also woman are quite capable of boarding a loft, however that would be a high fire risking daft advice.

OP please get you children’s to safety, it won’t be long before the 12 year old is bigger and stronger than you and if he’s he’ll bent on violence then there will be very little you can do about it! Unless you go do a team teach coarse or similar

TwentyEight12 · 21/08/2019 00:46

@BlewGoose

Yep you’re right. There is something wrong.

The 12 year old boy who is doing the majority of the hitting, has been diagnosed with autism and ADHD.

Or if you don’t believe in autism and ADHD, one could say he’s a very badly behaved child.

Guess it depends on which camp of thought one wants to house their beliefs in but I’d say that on the whole, society accepts autism and ADHD as real.

TwentyEight12 · 21/08/2019 00:48

@GreenTulips

My apologies.

As I said, it was ‘maverick’.

Not sure where the sexist comment has come from, I’m sure the OP is very capable of boarding the loft.

GreenTulips · 21/08/2019 00:57

It’s doesn’t matter if the child has a diagnosis or not, the fact is OP knows this child is violent towards her much younger children and thinks that it’s ok to stay there and let them deal with it, because she doesn’t want to throw her relationship away.

Move out and date him, same as you did before

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