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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Am I an evil step mother?

119 replies

Nellytheunicorn · 19/08/2019 09:10

I live with my OH for about a year now, we have 4 kids, my 4 yo daughter, my 7 yo son, his 12 yo son and his 15 yo daughter. My OH was a single parent for 7 years and has always been super soft on the kids which I didn't realise fully until I moved in. Thekids did and still do nothing in the house even putting laundry in the basket. OH has upped rules and disclipine since I moved in but generally his kids laugh in his face figuratively. My children don't see their dad and my SC see their mum every 2 weeks ata weekend.Anyway SS got diagnosed with autism and ADHD earlier this year and everything wasn't perfect before then but since then everything has gone downhill massively. SS is now using his diagnoses for excuses, "can't tidy my room I have autism" sorry Ihit you I have autism", basically he does have anger issues but was working on them until his diagnoses now if he gets angry he will just hit someone which ends up me or his dad restraining him and ended up him telling his mother I hurt him so she called socialservices on me(case was dropped as I didn't do nothing). We have tried punishments but as mentioned before because his dad has always been soft he doesn't take him serious and clearly doesn't respect me at all. We do have a big problem with him telling taleson me to literally everyone(even his mates online!!!) then spinning them into huge lies. We have talked to him about this but again he don't care. I am really getting resent him being at home and I feel I have to walk around on eggshells and I fear what hewill do to me and my children, my OH is trying to resolve this issue but I just can't trust him or like him more. Does that make me an evil step mother?

Also I feel the same way in regards to my SD she is the laziest girl I have ever known, all the children share a room and regularly my daughter cant get to her bed due to SD throwing clothes all over the floor clean and dirty, we have talked to this about herbut she ignores us. She rarely puts pots by the sink even after a meal at the table, she leaves her shoes and coats everywhere, if she has used a blanket it'll be dumped where she was, I could literally go on forever. OH and I have talked to her to lay downground rules repeatedly but it never works. I feel like a maid wandering around after her and it really annoys me so much as she is well and truly old enough to clean up afterherself.MySS is the sameunfortunately.My2 children are expected to do chores after tea, clean up after themselves and help me where I need them. I worry they will copy the older 2 and I will end up being a maid for 4 so I end up almost slagging off the older 2 to my 2 to makethem realise their behaviour is wrong and I hate doing that. I just wish I never moved in. Ps sorry for the long rant, I needed to get my feelings out.

OP posts:

FinallyHere · 19/08/2019 10:33

which they all agreed to before we moved in.

They may have agreed but could they honestly have any idea what they were letting themselves in for.

I agree with everyone suggesting you move back out again sharpish

FinallyHere · 19/08/2019 10:36

Have you considered asking the ones who had their own rooms before you and your DC moved in whether they would prefer to still have their own rooms, now they know what it is like?

I really can't see that it is fair on them.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 19/08/2019 10:40

Are all the children in one room???!!!! That is totally inappropriate.

There’s that joke: Going into a teens room is like going into Ikea. You come out with a few mugs, some plates and cutlery.

Your dh’s parenting style may be different from yours but it may be right for him

GlitchStitch · 19/08/2019 10:41

I have an 11 year old son with ASD and he needs his own space to be able to escape to. Expecting him to suddenly share his room with an unrelated 7 year old would be unbearable for him. It doesn't seem like these arrangements are working for anyone.

hsegfiugseskufh · 19/08/2019 10:43

no emoji the girls share, and the boys share.

hsegfiugseskufh · 19/08/2019 10:45

and his parenting style isn't "right for him" unless he aimed to bring up lazy and violent children!

I understand there is additional needs here, but its unclear which behaviours are actually caused by this and which behaviours are him just being "naughty" and blaming them on his additional needs.

Original poster

Nellytheunicorn · 19/08/2019 10:46

Thank you for the advice. My SC got taken off their mother for neglect and my OH has always admitted he is soft because he wants to make up to them. They go to their mothers every few week's but it depends on how much her husband is working on how long she will have them as she cant cope with them by herself as she has another child to look after. Moving out isn't an optional as I have gave up a council house to move in and I don't have enough funds to go privately, I could move back in with my parents but I prefer not to. It's really difficult as previous to this relationship I had a very bad one and when SC aren't here I finally feel happy like a family should be but when they are at home I feel like a maid walking around on eggshells. Unforunately after SS diagnoses social has pretty much left us alone and gave us sheets of information but that's about it!! Maybe finding other people nearby with similar children might help as will finding groups for him. Also as useless as my OH is at discipline and rules he is a loving father and my children love him like a dad. I am just waiting for the day SC move out which is awful thinking like that.

OP posts:

gottagetouttahere · 19/08/2019 10:46

When I was 14, I loved cute little 3 year olds, and would probably have loved the idea of having one around 24/7... in theory.

And I can't imagine a 12 year old autistic child, who is probably experiencing puberty, is benefitting in any way from sharing his space.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 19/08/2019 10:50

But there was no trouble before they moved in together? So his parenting style was right for his kids then?

The ‘violence’ is adhd isn’t it? That needs acting on l agree, but was it evident before they shacked up together? Sounds like the pressure of living together may be too much.

I find it very sad that so many step children are ‘resented’

In a combined family, parenting styles may be different and this can cause a lot of problems. But the answer is to find a compromise, not immediately think one is more lenient than the other.

GlitchStitch · 19/08/2019 10:52

It's not your stepkids fault that you gave up a secure home, and do you realise that it could be a long time before your stepson moves out, if at all?

hsegfiugseskufh · 19/08/2019 10:54

doesn't sound like it emoji sounds like they have always been lazy but he hasn't done anything about it because hes trying to make up for their mum being a crap parent....

I don't think bringing kids up like this really helps them at all to be honest.

why do you think these children are "resented" that's a wild assumption don't you think?

it is pretty damn obvious that one parent is more lenient than the other here.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 19/08/2019 10:54

But you can’t live your life waiting for them to move out!

Quite often they don’t!!! Or the come back!
Dss1 moved out at 20, came back at 22 and then boomeranged for a bit until 26.

Ds2 moved out at 21, boomeranged back and forth until 27, then came back for 2 years and went again at 29.

Ds moved out at 18,back at 22 then out again at 24.

They don’t ever really ‘move out’

MyKingdomForBrie · 19/08/2019 10:54

You moved into his space and you hate him, you need to move back out.

He's not 'using his diagnosis' he is struggling with his condition and not being helped by a 'step mother' who just doesn't want him around.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 19/08/2019 10:55

The op said she resented them

hsegfiugseskufh · 19/08/2019 10:56

They don’t ever really ‘move out’

do they not? I moved out at 19 and have never and will never go back!

kingdom how is he not using his diagnosis when he is clearly being deliberately naughty and then blaming his diagnosis?

hsegfiugseskufh · 19/08/2019 10:57

I read it as shes resenting him being at home, ie the situation that causes, not that she hates him as a person.

GlitchStitch · 19/08/2019 10:57

I don't think bringing kids up like this really helps them at all to be honest.

Maybe not, but that's how he chooses to parent. Giving up a secure affordable home when you are a lone parent with limited funds to the point where you now have no other options but to live with resentment whilst waiting for a child with SN to grow up and move out isn't great parenting either is it.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 19/08/2019 10:57

I know one parent is more lenient. But that is often the case. It doesn’t mean it’s right or wrong.
But step parents often think their partner is too lenient with their own children. It is the biggest common denominator is step families.

hsegfiugseskufh · 19/08/2019 10:59

glitch I don't think it was a good decision, but it was a decision based on her partner agreeing how things would be. He hasn't held up on his end of the bargain, has he?

Op made a decision based on one thing, another thing has happened and here we are. Unless she had a crystal ball she couldn't have predicted this!

emoji I think its wrong when it causes problems for everyone else in the house, to be honest. Same as it would be wrong if being too strict was causing problems for everyone else.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 19/08/2019 11:02

I absolutely agree. It is about compromise.

GlitchStitch · 19/08/2019 11:03

I don't think it was a good decision, but it was a decision based on her partner agreeing how things would be. He hasn't held up on his end of the bargain, has he?

OP says he's upped the discipline since she moved in though? Sounds like it was based on kids agreeing to share their rooms- but this is a boy who already had behavioural issues. Why would OP think it would be a good idea for her young son to share a room with him? She can't absolve herself of responsibility for this mess, it sounds like both of the adults put their wants ahead of the needs of ALL the kids involved.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 19/08/2019 11:04

Have you had advice on how to deal with adhd and asd? That sounds a tough row to hoe.

TheEmojiFormerlyKnownAsPrince · 19/08/2019 11:06

How long were you together before moving in?

hsegfiugseskufh · 19/08/2019 11:06

glitch I am not saying she can absolve all responsibility but I am saying its not really something she could have anticipated.

as far as she was concerned, he was working on his "anger issues" - he didn't have a diagnosis at that point, she couldn't have known he would get one!

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/08/2019 11:07

Who is your SS hitting? You? His dad? The other children? Your job is to keep your children safe. Everything else is secondary to that. If there’s a chance you much younger, smaller, weaker, more impressionable children are at risk from a violent teenager you need to find a way to move back out. Messiness, different approaches to chores etc are something you might be able to work on but you’re failing your little ones if you keep them in a violent home, whatever your SS’s own challenges.

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