Am I an evil step mother?

[Nellytheunicorn]

I live with my OH for about a year now, we have 4 kids, my 4 yo daughter, my 7 yo son, his 12 yo son and his 15 yo daughter. My OH was a single parent for 7 years and has always been super soft on the kids which I didn't realise fully until I moved in. Thekids did and still do nothing in the house even putting laundry in the basket. OH has upped rules and disclipine since I moved in but generally his kids laugh in his face figuratively. My children don't see their dad and my SC see their mum every 2 weeks ata weekend.Anyway SS got diagnosed with autism and ADHD earlier this year and everything wasn't perfect before then but since then everything has gone downhill massively. SS is now using his diagnoses for excuses, "can't tidy my room I have autism" sorry Ihit you I have autism", basically he does have anger issues but was working on them until his diagnoses now if he gets angry he will just hit someone which ends up me or his dad restraining him and ended up him telling his mother I hurt him so she called socialservices on me(case was dropped as I didn't do nothing). We have tried punishments but as mentioned before because his dad has always been soft he doesn't take him serious and clearly doesn't respect me at all. We do have a big problem with him telling taleson me to literally everyone(even his mates online!!!) then spinning them into huge lies. We have talked to him about this but again he don't care. I am really getting resent him being at home and I feel I have to walk around on eggshells and I fear what hewill do to me and my children, my OH is trying to resolve this issue but I just can't trust him or like him more. Does that make me an evil step mother?

Also I feel the same way in regards to my SD she is the laziest girl I have ever known, all the children share a room and regularly my daughter cant get to her bed due to SD throwing clothes all over the floor clean and dirty, we have talked to this about herbut she ignores us. She rarely puts pots by the sink even after a meal at the table, she leaves her shoes and coats everywhere, if she has used a blanket it'll be dumped where she was, I could literally go on forever. OH and I have talked to her to lay downground rules repeatedly but it never works. I feel like a maid wandering around after her and it really annoys me so much as she is well and truly old enough to clean up afterherself.MySS is the sameunfortunately.My2 children are expected to do chores after tea, clean up after themselves and help me where I need them. I worry they will copy the older 2 and I will end up being a maid for 4 so I end up almost slagging off the older 2 to my 2 to makethem realise their behaviour is wrong and I hate doing that. I just wish I never moved in. Ps sorry for the long rant, I needed to get my feelings out.

I think she could have anticipated it if she researched it. I did.

Well said Anne.

Her children are in an unsafe place

researched what exactly?

a teenager with anger issues?

I don't think dr google should be used to try and diagnose angry children tbh.

She knew he had been removed from his mother for neglect, knew their dad was soft and knew he had anger and behavioural problems. She could certainly anticipate issues and that it might not be a good idea to have him give up his space to share with a young child. It's not fair on either child.

But regardless, it's not working out so really the best thing to do would be to move out and parent separately.

I agree, I think she should move out and leave this guy and his kids to it.

The diagnosis didn't come out of nowhere. It's a fairly long process and given the time scales he would likely already be under investigation when she moved in.

But as the pp said she needs to safeguard her own children, not sit and wait it out for however many years because she made some bad decisions.

but to be honest, all those things should have been things that firstly his dad should have thought about. He is his dads responsibility, not ops.

Researched how to combine a family and how to make it successful.

Google wasn’t around when l did it. I read books from a library and spoke to specialists who knew about it

Neither of you are thinking about your children or putting them first. The situation is toxic and will only get worse. The boy with autism need treatment and help and both SC have suffered neglect at the hands of their mother, they should be getting support. You need to move out asap for the sake of ALL the children.

Yes he's his dad's responsibility and her kids are hers. Neither of them have put their kids first IMO. I would never allow my son to lose his space in the way this man has, I would also never give up my home or put my younger kid in the position the OP has. They are both reckless.

ahahahahah there is NOTHING google can realistically help you with when blending a family and trying to make it successful. You can take all the advice in the world from the internet and still fail, because there are so many variables! every blended family is different, and there is no right way to make it work. What works for one family will not work for another and vice versa.

Just like OP's kids are her responsibility. No one forced her to take her kids out of their safe, secure space and move in with the partners kids. Her and her kids had more to lose.

glitch I agree, but they have and here we are. I agree the only way forward is for them to live separately at least, if not call it a day entirely.

@swingofthings I don't agree - sorry. My two stepsons are slobs at their mum's house. She doesn't care and lets them get away with it. They are not naturally tidy however they behave very differently at our house as we make them.

I didn’t use the internet. It was on dial up at that point and took for ever.

I asked for referral to a family therapist before we combined. She was really helpful.

That’s where l learnt about the need for space. She must have helped a bit. We’re still together as a family 20 years later

Yes I agree OP should move out, but it sounds like she is planning to stick it out against the best interests of everyone which is a shame.

Having a diagnosis is actually a positive thing, yes its very hard to except initially and navigating the special needs journey is challenging. However now you know? Now you equip yourself and surround yourself with the understanding and support you need. Without knowing how autistic your SS is no one on here can be sure if he is using his diagnosis as an excuse for his undesirable behaviour. Sorry i know that going to push a few peoples buttons but it is true. Autism is very individual, it’s a massive dial. Some Autistic children can share rooms happily and just like other children they sometimes cannot. Set up boundaries, behaviour expectation chart etc I actually think from your op this is actually doable.

emoji I know you didn't, but that's essentially what you were suggesting.

Its great that it worked for you, but it wont work for anyone and suggesting "research" as a solution to this problem is a bit laughable to be honest.

Why? Why is it wrong to take advice from qualified professional about such a massive event as combining families?

We did it to make it as smooth and easy a transition for everyone. If the op had done it, she might not be in this situation.

I would like this situation to work out as my younger 2 love the older 2 even thought SS occasionly hits them but it's more childhood scraps I suppose, I just feel very protective over them and see it as something nasty when it perhaps isn't when I think of the scraps me and my sister had when we was younger!! Also younger 2 love my OH like a dad and I feel they need a dad in their lives as their real one is as useful as a holey sock lol. I appreciate all the advice and as much as I would love to move out it isn't a possible situation unless I went back to my parents house and I prefer not to do that. I suppose I need to lower my expectations, turn a blind eye to certain teenage behaviours and compromise. I need to research SS autism and see how we can help him instead of being annoyed at his violent behaviours find a way to help him. I understand him having his own room is preferable but not possible at the moment due to financial situation. In regards to SD I suppose I need to allow her space in her room to make mess as long as my daughter can get to bed. I suppose we didn't think about this throughly before moving in but then again who does there are so much variables in this situation which can't all be covered before moving in. I would like to work through this situation if possible before moving back into my parents and see if we can make this work.

emoji have I said it was wrong? I am saying it will not solve everyones problems all of the time.

I suppose I need to lower my expectations, turn a blind eye to certain teenage behaviours

I wouldn't do this. Because then it will be ok for your children to behave like brats when the time comes, and I assure you you don't want that.

Please don’t turn a blind eye, it will bite u in the butt eventually. You won’t solve this overnight either, it will be work in progress forever. Children with special needs are hard work to live with but it’s exceptionally rewarding when you succeed. Throw yourself into it and you may surprise yourself. Good luck OP

They are not naturally tidy however they behave very differently at our house as we make them
How often are they with you? I too manage to get my kids to keep their room tidy for two days when I'm home and can be on their back all the time.

It's another matter when I'm at work and it's 24/7!

swing when dss lived with us his room was kept tidy because thems the rules. Mummy tidies his room for him at her house because he's lazy and she allows him to be.

He is not "naturally untidy" he's lazy. We didn't put up with it, she does.