Holidays

[HotChocolateLover]

Firstly, this is all hypothetical. I only want genuine opinions as neither DH or I know what is the right answer.

I have one DS from a previous marriage, he has a DS and DD. We have done holidays the last three years including all three, one UK based and 2 foreign. This year is a ‘staycation’ as buying a house last year completely wiped us out.

Right, so next year, the ex is considering taking DSS and DSD abroad. This would mean that if only DH, DS and I went abroad together then our holiday bill would reduce by 40%. Everyone would get a holiday and surely that’s ok? We’re just agonising over it in case the step-kids think that their dad (my DH) is picking my son over them. But if their mum is taking them away then we will have the money to go away so why should we sit at home? We can’t really afford £5-6k for a week 🤦‍♀️ I just don’t want to offend anyone. Oh and by the way, my son’s dad had never taken him anywhere, never will and doesn’t even pay maintenance.

If you really want me to.. okay

All round, there seems to be assumptions and a lack of boundaries from the beginning.

Ideally, since DP and ex were amicable until she found out, they'd have discussed the potential of other serious relationships and he would have dealt with her issues around it then before it was a nearly 6 month relationship.

DP would have discussed with MIL about his desire to keep the budding relationship to a select few people and she would have respected that. It seems like he assumed she would not tell ex.

We learn from our mistakes, true. But shooting down philosophies, ideas and experiences that possibly avoid these sorts of situations seems illogical.

And "niggles" referred to wanting to restrict contact between co-parents to some arbitrary view of what is appropriate in a monogamous/committed/serious relationship. And no, that doesn't mean being okay with your partner having sex with their child's parent if they want to, it just means omitting the rules and regulations around how much they support each other.

And there is more to life than having parents together. It’s not the be all and end all for children like adults seem to think it is. It shouldn’t ever be used as excuse for them missing out on other things in life.

Imagine explaining to your children:

“Sorry we can’t go on holiday this year. But it’s ok darling because you live with both of your parents. Now be grateful for that” MAKES NO SENSE

“You should be happy about not getting many days out because at least you’ve still got your parents together” MAKES NO SENSE

“Daddy spends all of his days off with your older sister but it’s ok for you because your parents are still together and even though you’re in bed when he finishes work during the week, you’re still technically in the same house as him every day so you’re not allowed to moan. Just be grateful mummy and daddy are still together” MAKES NO SENSE

None of those make sense , because the argument “your child has their parents together” is used as some sort of umbrella statement to shut down arguments why second children might be disadvantaged or missing out or sad. Like nothing else should matter because hey mum and dad still live under the same roof as them.
Can anyone see just how bad all that sounds? And sometimes, if the relationship is bad between mum and dad it’s even worse.

kewl I don't see why they needed to explicitly say they might get into other relationships - I think when you have been split for 2 years that is fairly obvious. It would be really odd to assume they were both going to remain celibate for the rest of their lives. Her "issues" were that she wanted them to get back together, he had made it clear several times since they split that it was not going to happen. I am not sure how he could have set a more firm boundary?

He did ask his mother not to tell anyone. She did it by accident, she says, and I am inclined to believe her. He did assume she wouldn't tell ex, as like I said he specifically asked her not to. Should he have whipped out his crystal ball out or?

I haven't shot down anything, but you seem to think that I have the magical ability to pre empt what is going to happen. I would LOVE to be able to do that, but unfortunately it isn't possible.

@brightfutureahead I totally agree with this. In the case of my circumstances we don't have kids together so none of our blended family's kids have their parents still together. This doesn't make them any less happy. If we had both stayed in our previous marriages our kids would've had parents where the dad was emotionally abusive to me, and parents together just for the sake of the kids when the mother came out as gay and therefore living a lie. But yeah, we were totally wrong to split up our previous families according to lots of MNers!

That's the thing with assuming it doesn't need to be said, it sometimes actually does. I guess that is one thing that being poly halts you from doing, assuming that everyone is on the same page about what is okay.

As for MIL, she accidentally violated a boundary, but it was broken all the same. As I said, one can only learn from their mistakes.

But I think we should stop focusing on this now.

kewl I am not bothered about dp having contact with his ex - she is bothered about me. So I am not sure why you even mentioned "niggles" to me if that's actually what you meant.

sorry kewl but how many people assume their ex will remain single for the rest of their life, or until they agree theyre ok with it?

COME ON. You're living in a dream world.

why should we move away from it? because its becoming clear that you're being judgemental, whilst also talking total rubbish?

@Kewlwife

You being polyamorous has everything to do with your parenting decisions, because it colours your entire view on what people should be expected to accept in the name of the kids.

My requirement that my partner not be in an equal relationship with his ex is not wholly about sex as you seem to think, there are emotional aspects to it too. Considering himself to have two families rather than one that includes his son, flitting between the two households that are both "home", spending large amounts of time talking and reminiscing with his ex when that time should be devoted to his one family, as well as discussing personal matters about our relationship with her, are not things that sit right with a majority of monogamous people. Sex or not, he is emotionally invested in two romantic partner's in that scenario.

These "rules" are no more arbitrary than say, saying that a man can't go on holiday without all of his kids. They are things most monogamous people require from their partner, in the same way that many of the views on this thread are things some people require from parents.

chocolate yep, I was in the same boat with my ex. It made life for the children unpleasant and I don’t think staying together for the sake of children is being a good parent. I think the best thing you possibly can do for them in those circumstances is to not be together anymore. I don’t delude myself in to thinking children live in a happy little bubble when mum and dad live under be same roof.

I talk to my best friend far more than my ex about relationship issues. It's weird to speak extensively about your sex life with other people you've had sex with outside very specific circumstances. For me at least. At the most, I might ask an ex about things to do with my responses and interactions in a relationship because they've been there with me. I can only change myself so asking feedback on my partner is illogical.

I don't see anything wrong with reminiscing about shared memories good times and I've never suggested one flit continuously between two homes. I did suggest in another thread that a dad take a month to sleep at his exes to help her solve the sleep anxiety issues that upset his current partner so much that she asked for advice. Going back to shared memories, I think it's bizarre to want your partner to block off good times they might have had to honour your relationship.

People usually line up their priorities in the way they see fit. Trying to get them to change their line up is rarely if ever successful. It's best to find someone who does things like you do.

Exes can be friends. Great friends. That has nothing to do with being poly.

And even if the parents are in a happy relationship and there is no abuse etc...
the argument of having parents together still shouldn’t be used as an excuse to dismiss children feeling like they are missing out on other things in life.
I would never manipulate a child’s mind and say that to them. But some on here seem to think it’s an acceptable thing to post on here. Would they really hand on heart say that to a child like a manipulative bitch? No, I don’t reckon they would. Because they know it’s all bullshit.

Exes can be friends. Great friends

yep, they can. and some cant because some people are vicious bastards. and that is nobodies fault but their own.

why cant you accept that?

she couldn't accept it, but they were amicable, there was no signs she would lose her shit. Be upset maybe, yeah.

Why shouldn't I talk about it? You're the one who seems to think you can solve all my problems... why do you want me to shut up now?

because you've realised you're entirely fucking wrong and you infact, don't know best?

@Rainbowhairdontcare

It's nuts isn't it! I think some people completely lose their heads in a split but it's shocking when their friends and family also join in and keep going for years.

fuck off kewl

how am I the same as his ex because ive called out someone on the internet who shags around and because of that thinks they know best and can diagnose all my problems whilst simultaneously blaming it all on me?

I think you and her are much more similar, to be honest.

@Kewlwife

I talk to my best friend far more than my ex about relationship issues. It's weird to speak extensively about your sex life with other people you've had sex with outside very specific circumstances. For me at least. At the most, I might ask an ex about things to do with my responses and interactions in a relationship because they've been there with me. I can only change myself so asking feedback on my partner is illogical.

If you can see that it's weird to talk extensively about your sexual life with someone you've had sex with before then why can't you see why that others find it weird to do other things with someone they've had sex with before?
*
I don't see anything wrong with reminiscing about shared memories good times and I've never suggested one flit continuously between two homes. I did suggest in another thread that a dad take a month to sleep at his exes to help her solve the sleep anxiety issues that upset his current partner so much that she asked for advice. Going back to shared memories, I think it's bizarre to want your partner to block off good times they might have had to honour your relationship. *

Well in my case, my partner doesn't have good memories of his time with his ex, but if he did, it wouldn't be about him privately holding them in his mind, it would be about him continuing to circle around them and hold them at the forefront of his mind, keeping them an active presence in our relationship. For most monogamous people, the past should be in the past and it is insensitive to keep discussing them at length with a new partner around.

I won't go into the other thread because I've already explained why I think it's absolutely nuts to sleep at an exes for a month when you have a newborn baby at home with your partner.

People usually line up their priorities in the way they see fit. Trying to get them to change their line up is rarely if ever successful. It's best to find someone who does things like you do.

I have found someone who does things like I do. Most people have - someone who puts their ex (and no not their child as well) lower in their list of priorities than you.

I did suggest in another thread that a dad take a month to sleep at his exes to help her solve the sleep anxiety issues

Clearly another example of first family comes first. Sod his partner and new baby, ex is struggling with co sleeping issues so he needs to spend a month at her house. Bonkers. The ex in that scenario needs to tackle what happens in her house herself.

@brightfutureahead

But she didn't have a problem with it. His current partner did and started the thread.

@Kewlwife

But she didn't have a problem with it. His current partner did and started the thread.

Hence why it made absolutely no sense to offer the person who was struggling even less support for a full month as a solution, but that's best discussed on that thread.

@AE18

Sharing sexual details about someone firstly requires consent if you really want to get down to it. So that's the main reason I wouldn't discuss sex with an ex: I don't have the consent of my partner.

I don't relate sexual consent to speaking about good times with an ex. Or any stuff which is to do with the fact exes often have intimacy and attachment that can outlive their romantic/sexual connection and all that other stuff. But I really think this belongs on a related thread. Not this one. I'm happy to start one later but need to think how to word it to cover all the issues that we've spoken about over a few threads. Please start one if you can get the words down and I'll contribute.