Holidays

[HotChocolateLover]

Firstly, this is all hypothetical. I only want genuine opinions as neither DH or I know what is the right answer.

I have one DS from a previous marriage, he has a DS and DD. We have done holidays the last three years including all three, one UK based and 2 foreign. This year is a ‘staycation’ as buying a house last year completely wiped us out.

Right, so next year, the ex is considering taking DSS and DSD abroad. This would mean that if only DH, DS and I went abroad together then our holiday bill would reduce by 40%. Everyone would get a holiday and surely that’s ok? We’re just agonising over it in case the step-kids think that their dad (my DH) is picking my son over them. But if their mum is taking them away then we will have the money to go away so why should we sit at home? We can’t really afford £5-6k for a week 🤦‍♀️ I just don’t want to offend anyone. Oh and by the way, my son’s dad had never taken him anywhere, never will and doesn’t even pay maintenance.

Joan you have faught like hell with anyone who disagrees with you even one SM who believes all dc are part of their family and regardless of circumstances are included in FAMILY holidays. You can argue till youre blue in you're face but people will frown upon what you think is acceptable and think it's wrong to do that to a child.

I know, it seems in your world,the idea of having an amicable and productive relationship with an ex seems completely unrealistic. But birds of a feather do indeed flock together so it's not all that surprising.

It's Mumsnet....of course only the stepchildren matter

OP, you won't get proper advice on here as a step mother, you wicked creature. Everything must be done to pander to a child that is from the first "wife" and if it's at detriment to your own irrelevant child, then be quiet, be happy with your scraps and get in your box Cruella

There are literally threads after threads about this. Mumsnet is sadly infamous for it.

Of course, take your little one away. Of course he shouldn't be denied the same opportunity as the others. They get to go away with two parents. He gets to go away with two parents. Only difference is that it's not the exact same two parents.

You matter, your husband matters, your child matters, your step children matter. So you make the decision that encompasses all four of those elements. Unless you're on Mumsnet.

Enjoy your holiday x

I don't think anyone is saying that the SC can't take her own children away. It's whether the dad should go with them meaning his children don't holiday with him but his step children do. I know I'd be waiting for my kids to be back. What the SP wants is sort of irrelevant here. It's what the parent decides which is most relevant .

Not read the whole thread but wanted to add

As a step child I would implore you to treat the whole unit the same, regardless of what any DSSs do with their other parent.

For a start so little consideration is given to the advantage your joint dc will have growing up in a stable family unit over flitting between parents, balancing different parents and family unit’s emotions and expectations and demands.

I am a SM and a SC. Go on holiday. I knew I was loved and I didn’t care if my family went on holiday without me because I was secure. My SM was strict but she gave me boundaries which I had never had before and she wasn’t better than my BM just different. She cooked with me, climbed trees with me (still does if u let her) My mum never did anything like that. But she took me on some great holidays. Our family were always away with different people at different times, sometimes I went sometimes I didn’t.

@Courtney555 Thanks. I certainly do feel like Cruella sometimes, especially when all I want is for everyone to be happy. It’s like I can’t do right for doing wrong sometimes. The SC are important in my life but so is my son but sometimes I feel i’m Made to feel ashamed to say I love him more. Of course I do, it’s natural. I went through 23 hours of labour, why wouldn’t I love him more? I just have a different relationship with the SC.

snapped people are allowed to think I am wrong, but then I wont put my own child last.. they can do that to their own kids if they want but I wont!

kewl thanks for that snidy remark, but I think you have to realise not everyone is going to agree with a poly lifestyle.

Oh and by the way I went into this relationship thinking we would have and wanting an amicable relationship with DPs ex. The reason we don't, is her, not me.

and in fact as someone with such an extreme lifestyle I think you are VERY brake being nasty to others about how they bring up their kids. I am sure many people do not think what you're doing is ideal, either.

But you have no idea what we have gone through with dps ex, so please don't judge me based on not getting on with her. Would you get on with someone who is violent, makes threats on your childs life, smashes your car window, told your step child all sorts of harmful shit?

no. didn't think so.

When I assess my compatibility with a potential partner, their partner selection is something I look at. I'll leave it at that.

@Kewlwife

If you are polyamorous then why go on multiple threads to tell people that aren't comfortable with decisions that are tantamount to that mentality for the sake of kids that they are petty?

A majority of people are not comfortable with that in any scenario, if you can't get to grips with that then you are living in a bubble.

kewl you can carry on being patronising if you want, but i'll explain why youre absolutely talking shite here.

When I Met dp, his ex seemed like a lovely, normal woman. According to him, she was just that. His parents loved her. They had split up because he was unhappy in the relationship, but not because she was vile or anyone had cheated etc. They'd been together since they were kids, and a lot changes, doesn't it? he didn't love her anymore. It wasnt a happy relationship.

Anyway, they split and remained civil. He saw dss whenever he wanted, they sorted contact round her odd shifts and everyone was happy.

2 years later, he met me. She found out about the relationship through his mum, before he had a chance to tell her (and he was going to tell her around the 6 month mark when we were both clear it was serious)

she lost her shit. She turned into a different person, She threatened to kill herself. She threated to kill us. She told everyone I was the OW, that id been around for years. She said she'd track me down and "get rid of me". How on earth was I supposed to know she would act like this, when on the face of it, she was a normal nice lady when I met dp? Since then she has continued to be a vile person, a questionable parent and obviously has STILL not come to terms with the fact they will not get back together.

go on, enlighten me.

When I assess my compatibility with a potential partner, their partner selection is something I look at. I'll leave it at that.

What does that even mean?

Joan - absolutely you think of your DC first and that is right.

However, the number of SMs who put their DPs in the position of choosing old vs new is unacceptable. Poor sods ( and I rarely feel sorry for them!) are in a no win situation. Piss off current partner and her DC or piss off his DCs. Easier to piss off DCs because he does not live with them, they will hide their hurt and current DP will make daily life hell - that is wrong.

stuffed its not about ultimatums or pissing one or the other off though is it?

sometimes its about logic and common sense!

I for one have never made dp choose, and I wouldn't, but thankfully he has his own brain and can make his own decisions!

@Kewlwife

On a similar note to @Joan, since my partner's ex found out we were dating she and her family and friends have sent abusive messages to all of my friends and family including my elderly grandfather, asking them amongst other things how they feel about being related to a whore. When that same grandfather got a terminal cancer diagnosis, they sent sarcastic messages to his son, my dad. My partner's business website is periodically littered with public messages from her friends asking why there aren't any any photos of the son he abandoned (by leaving his ex) on the site, and this is the platform in which he gets his work and not a personal account. Clients see this.

Meanwhile, my SSs uncle roars at SS if he mentions us and has told him he wants to kill my partner if he ever sees him again, meaning that a six year old has long since learned to be scared of mentioning his other parent and doesn't do it.

The ex herself constantly tells her son things like "you're supposed to have one mummy and one daddy and he has ruined SS's life by leaving, that she still loves my partner and wants to be with him but I am standing in the way of him having them back together", despite the fact that my partner's decision to leave was not due to me and there would never be any hope of him being with her.

I'd love for you to show me how us all decoding to muck in together and get along would work in this situation.

for instance,

dp has dss with ex and ds with me

dss goes on hol with his mum

we don't go anywhere as cant afford massive price tag for school hols, so my ds goes nowhere.

what if this happens every year?

dss gets a holiday every year, and ds gets 0

who is losing out here? its not dss is it, or does ds deserve to miss out because his parents are together?

My god some of you have some seriously fucked up exes to deal with. You have my sympathies. Makes my situation look not so bad.

chocolate it is SO hard. If me and dp ever split up I would NEVER date anyone with children ever again. Not because I don't like children, or find them hard but I wouldn't risk my life being taken over by another batshit woman again.

or does ds deserve to miss out because his parents are together?

That’s the usual lazy argument that’s trotted out. It’s like children should have to accept not having a full life outside of the house because “their parents aren’t together” It’s bordering on emotional blackmail in my opinion.

As I keep saying, my relationship style has nothing to do with co-parenting decisions I might make. It's my values around parenting that mean I'd put aside any... niggles for the sake of a better environment for the children.

If you're suggesting that having polyamorous relationships means I've honed skills in teamwork which altogether enhance my character and employability, then I agree. But people could hone those skills in many lifestyles.

“their parents ARE together” ... that should say.

kewl you have failed to explain what exactly I've done wrong and how I could have pre empted dps ex going mental? im waiting.....

and actually I think comparing the problems we have had to "niggles" is fucking offensive, at best.

@AE18 the same happened to me! I thought I was the only one who had suffered that type of abuse. You have all of my empathy.