Holidays

[HotChocolateLover]

Firstly, this is all hypothetical. I only want genuine opinions as neither DH or I know what is the right answer.

I have one DS from a previous marriage, he has a DS and DD. We have done holidays the last three years including all three, one UK based and 2 foreign. This year is a ‘staycation’ as buying a house last year completely wiped us out.

Right, so next year, the ex is considering taking DSS and DSD abroad. This would mean that if only DH, DS and I went abroad together then our holiday bill would reduce by 40%. Everyone would get a holiday and surely that’s ok? We’re just agonising over it in case the step-kids think that their dad (my DH) is picking my son over them. But if their mum is taking them away then we will have the money to go away so why should we sit at home? We can’t really afford £5-6k for a week 🤦‍♀️ I just don’t want to offend anyone. Oh and by the way, my son’s dad had never taken him anywhere, never will and doesn’t even pay maintenance.

I wouldn't blame dp if he didnt want to holiday with me if i was being a twat tbh.

I hated it when my dad use to take my step sisters on holidays and abroad, even though my mum took us camping each year in this country. I always felt left out that they got lovely holidays abroad and we didn't, and he never paid my mum any maintenance as always skint (so day)
It's a really hard one tbh. If you are definitely going to go without the stepchildren, then I would say go at the time they are away, as they won't think so much on it, as they will be enjoying themself. I feel as a stepchild myself, from both mum and dad, that all children should be treated equally when treats and money come into play. That's just from my experience, as a child, all I ever hear was 'we have spent more on SS this year at Xmas/birthday as their dad doesn't bother' or 'I can't buy you your school shoes this year as already bough SS theirs as their dad doesn't contribute. As a child, I was very bitter as I use to go without, so my dad could find two other children. Now I couldn't care less as an adult...my dad try's to throw money at me now, and it's always a nice feeling to say no, I don't need your money now.

@AE18 - I choose to deal with it differently and have a lovely, kind, thoughtful, generous 19 year old that I'm very proud off out the other end. A close relationship and lots of laughs around how much of a dick she was at times.

I resent the implication that my choice was driven by anything other than doing what I thought was right for my child. It wasn't driven from guilt, a need to fill any divorce shaped void, a fear of her missing out or that manners are unimportant.

My choices did take into consideration that she was a young teen when her father left and all the change and upheaval that brought with it. It's bloody hard for adults to behave impeccably in those situations never mind a 14 / 15 year old.

@swingofthings

AE18, read my post on page 5. I quoted someone saying that they didn't see why children of a first marriage should come first and because I challenged this, someone deducted I believed it was right they should come first which not what I said. I clarified later I meant all should be equal and still you are insisting that I said SCs should come first

Why would you challenge somebody saying they don't see why children of a first marriage should come first unless you think they should come first? Otherwise you just agree with them.

I'm not insisting you meant that, I'm just explaining why you quoting that specific part of their post, which was immediately followed by a couple of people asking you if you thought step children should come first, gave that impression. Obviously you have clarified since but at that point in time it did give that impression.

It's really not that important, it just read that way.

ginny you do realise that other peoples bratty teenagers turn out nice too? Your approach may have worked for your daughter but it doesnt for everyone and there's nothing wrong with actually disciplining children imo.

@PinkGinny

*@AE18 - I choose to deal with it differently and have a lovely, kind, thoughtful, generous 19 year old that I'm very proud off out the other end. A close relationship and lots of laughs around how much of a dick she was at times. *

It's great that that approach worked for you but for some it doesn't and they grow up to be spoilt and entitled people, so some will choose to tackle that with tougher love. My point was that that decision is not driven by them being a step child, it is an approach some people choose to take with all of their kids, including my parents.

I resent the implication that my choice was driven by anything other than doing what I thought was right for my child. It wasn't driven from guilt, a need to fill any divorce shaped void, a fear of her missing out or that manners are unimportant.

I did say that some would be motivated by guilt, but that it could be for whatever reason. It's still not the choice everyone would make and it is valid not to do so.

My choices did take into consideration that she was a young teen when her father left and all the change and upheaval that brought with it. It's bloody hard for adults to behave impeccably in those situations never mind a 14 / 15 year old.

Again, some people will accept more lashing out than others. I will accept children being upset about this but not an unrelated bout of ingratitude about holidays, because those are unrelated things. We all have different standards of behaviour.

@JoanMavisIcecreamGirl what part of what I said suggested I didn't discipline her? Your naivety, understandable as your child is only 3, is quite amusing.

@AE18 I agreed it's not about step-parenting per se - aside from when the non-resident parent takes the easy option presented by two homes scenario or excludes to keep another adult happy. Those are remedies to the issue I don't agree with. Didn't happen in my case so no skin in that particular game.

I never described her behaviour as lashing out. And surely it's understandable that a 14 year old might struggle a little on the first big family holidays without the 'other' parent.
Never mind the fun my ex had as his new partner (who was the OW and my daughter knew this) was along too. Or alternatively she was just a mardy pain in the arse - either way a holiday was happening and she was coming. With appropriate discipline applied when she was an utter shit.

I have been a step parent for 6 years. I am far from naive, thanks.

Sorry skim read so not sure if it’s been suggested but could just you and ds go on holiday?

Is there somewhere he’s always wanted to go?

Maybe see if you could also do a weekend city break with dh

Just thinking back to my childhood and holidays/teenagers/together families/blended families....

From about the age of 6/7 onwards my teenage brother didn’t come on a single holiday with us. This would have been from when he was about 13 onwards.

I have no doubt it was because my mum and dad didn’t see the point in taking him and wanted to enjoy their holiday, and more importantly wanted their younger child (me) to enjoy it without him sulking. He stayed with my grandparents and had loads of friends. In my mum and dad’s eyes they would have just been wasting money.
Remember this was a “together” family. So yes it does happen. And I believe blended families should be no different. The parents of each family should judge whether the teenager is going to make the holiday enjoyable for the rest of the family or not.

Fast forward a few years to when I myself was a teenager, and my mum and dad were no longer together so I was now a stepchild. I suddenly developed an enormous fear of flying, so when my mum came to booking holidays I really didn’t want to go. My mum, stepdad and his child still went. Why should they have gone without a holiday because of me, especially the other child of the family?

Sorry but I think it is mean OP. My ds's dad has gone on holiday with his four other kids (two of which live with him) every year, citing ds gets to go on holiday with us and therefore he doesn't get to go. This just leaves ds feeling left out and unwanted. You shouldn't need £5-6k for a week's holiday for four people. You can do it for less than half of that.

One of my best friends is in a 'together' family. She & her dh have 4 kids now all aged between 22 & 12. Money has always been tight so when the younger two were little they got no big holidays - they stayed with gp's while the older two got taken away. Once the older two hit late teens they (shock, horror) got jobs & did their own thing holiday wise or else stayed at home. No one is damaged & no one is resentful.
I also agree that exception shouldn't be made for blended families. So long as everyone 'gets a go' with dm and df (be it foreign/staycation/whatever) every year or alternate years then that's fine.
The extreme cases of df's shirking responsibility for holidays/access for their first kids is NOT what this thread is about.

Magda - yes it is!

Mum takes them on holiday therefore Dad and his new family do not need to because - too costly, they are moody, they do not like our choice of holidays, they have already had a holiday etc etc.

The excuses for justifying why not to take the SCs of the SM but taking the SC of the DF are legendary on this forum.

OP has got it right in the past and now wants to use one of those excuses .

@Madasahattersteaparty1749 I would be open to going together but i’m Epileptic and don’t feel confident going without my husband 😭

@delilahbucket It would be for 5 people. Where are these cheap AI holidays? If we could find one (open to pretty much anywhere) we’ll go 😂 Need AI as the kids just moan too much for drinks and ice creams and it costs a fortune!

She doesnt need an "excuse"

And again its not always "scs of the dad" sometimes its joint children (but lets continue to ignore that because it doesnt help your point)

So I have a child with my former partner. My current partner has a child with his former partner. We also have a child together.

If we're planning on going away, we always think 2 adults and 3 kids and go somewhere within our budget.* So if that meant we could go to Clacton, great. If it meant we could go to the Caribbean, great. We don't say "well if we don't take your son (the non resident child), we could stretch Clacton to The Canaries."

*As we have a fairly intimate and supportive network, sometimes other adults who consider themselves family will come too so we will calculate the price of a fairly big group of people and split the cost x amount of ways (amongst each adult).

Good for you kewlwife , but we dont all want to or thankfully have to do things your way.

My point is that I am a step parent and I am not ignoring that there could be joint children with the current partner. I'm merely pointing out that there are people who always think about nurturing all the kids they and their partner(s) parent. They consider all children full time members of the family who happen to also live elsewhere.

Thats nice.

Also implies that i / we dont consider our step kids family so thanks for that.

@stuffedpeppers - she's not using one of those excuses!
Her sc will be holidaying with their dm. She would like to take her son away and would like her husband to come too because I'm sure she likes his company & has explained that she has epilepsy. She is not suggesting a holiday for them & leaving the sc at home without any holiday!!! I think she's been very clear on that.
So basically - in your world view - she & her son don't get a holiday because it might upset the sc who will be getting a holiday, OR, she goes on holiday but leaves her HUSBAND at home so as not to upset the sc! Sorry makes no sense to me & I have dc & sc.
@Kewlwife - you have hinted at a poly life or at least supporting a poly life on other threads. That is totally your business, but if it is the case then you have to see that it puts a very different slant on your posts - because of course your support network or support networks you're familiar with will operate differently to those of a more traditional family set up.

My ex is not poly. He lives the same as us. This has NOTHING to do with who I love or have sex with or how many boyfriends I have at the same time. This is about creating a stable, loving and consistent environment where all children have an equal chance at fulfilling their potential. To do that, the ADULTS need to ADULT and put their possesiveness and whatever else behind them.

It's a cop out to say that it's just because some of us are poly. It's because we are grown up enough to pick decent partners who won't fucking laugh in our face when we ask for their support in raising happy, healthy, cultured kids.

Magda - you are missing the point. I am not suggesting OP and her child miss out on a holiday, thye should go and her DP should go but as in the past they ahve included SCs - why chane the practice now?

Oh because Mum is planning to take the SDCs away on holiday. It is IRRELEVANT to her family situation. Her circumstances dictate x for everyone or y for some of them and exclude the others. I am completely against y.

Ah well now i know that kewl i definitetly wont be taking anything you say seriously.

stuffed i and clearly lots of others dont think it is irrelevant. Do you not see how nobody going is unfair on op her husband and her child?

Does only the step child matter?