Holidays

[HotChocolateLover]

Firstly, this is all hypothetical. I only want genuine opinions as neither DH or I know what is the right answer.

I have one DS from a previous marriage, he has a DS and DD. We have done holidays the last three years including all three, one UK based and 2 foreign. This year is a ‘staycation’ as buying a house last year completely wiped us out.

Right, so next year, the ex is considering taking DSS and DSD abroad. This would mean that if only DH, DS and I went abroad together then our holiday bill would reduce by 40%. Everyone would get a holiday and surely that’s ok? We’re just agonising over it in case the step-kids think that their dad (my DH) is picking my son over them. But if their mum is taking them away then we will have the money to go away so why should we sit at home? We can’t really afford £5-6k for a week 🤦‍♀️ I just don’t want to offend anyone. Oh and by the way, my son’s dad had never taken him anywhere, never will and doesn’t even pay maintenance.

@chocolatesaltyballs22 cause if you are a family it comes with the territory. Some teens are grumbling moaning arses. If you (as the stepmum) don't want to put it up with it grand; that teen's parent shouldn't just opt out of that part of parenting by excluding their child from family holidays however.

My eldest added little value to a couple of holidays in their mid teens. It never crossed my mind to not take them. I'm pretty sure her dad, my ex, felt similarly. He & I dealt with it, which as her parents we should have. I wasn't going to not holiday and make the other two miss out so along she came with a face like a skelped arse. How his partner felt about that I have no idea; but frankly I don't really care.

I wouldn't take any miserable teen who was going to ruin everyone elses holiday with me whether i gave birth to them or not.

If you cant behave you cant go.

@PinkGinny you've contradicted yourself there. If I don't want to put up with it: grand. But I still have to take them on holiday and effectively put up with it? Ok then....

The fact you think your exs partner should just put up with your kids shitty behaviour speaks volumes.

I wouldn't take any miserable teen who was going to ruin everyone elses holiday with me whether i gave birth to them or not
Only SCs seem to be going through what is yet known as pain in the bum teenagers. SMs have model children who are grateful for what they get.

It's like my OH who goes on about tidiness and told me his bedroom was always tidy because she wouldn't have tolerated mess...until the first time I met with her without him and she showed a pic she's taken of his room because of the mess it was in. Unlike what he wants me to believe at times, he too was a typical pain in the bum teenager!

I dont see why i should make an effort to make her life more pleasant. My life is more pleasant without her in it. Even if she had an epiphany and decided to be a genuinley good person, i wouldnt be interested and i wouldnt want her money
How can any parent love a partner who talk about their kid that way is beyond me.

@swingofthings I think you'll find she's talking about the ex, not the kid. Do pay attention.

swing

Not entirely sure how youve come to that conclusion. It makes sense though as your own children are brought up with your values and obv other people's children are not.

Ds is 3 and may well be a miserable little shit in 10 years time. I will try my hardest for him not to be, but realistically i am sure he will go through the moody teenager stage. Will he get rewarded for being a dick? No. He wont. Just like dss wouldn't.

I was a dick as a teenager, i wont lie about it like your oh, but i didnt get any privileges whilst i was acting that way. I went and got a job and realised how much things cost and according to my mother things vastly improved from there.

I dont in rewarding children when they dont deserve it no matter whos biological child they are.

Yes swing im talking about dps ex. The one who hit him in the street. The one who threatened the life of my child. The one who told dss we wouldn't love him any more when we had a baby. So, youll forgive me if i am less than lovely whilst speaking about her.

@chocolatesaltyballs22 no I said you can do as you want. The hypothetical teens father shouldn't. There is a difference.

@JoanMavisIcecreamGirl no I don't expect her to put up with anything. What my ex expects her to put up with is for her & him to negotiate. She is an irrelevance to me.

The negating of something doesn't mean agreeing to the opposite. Why does it have to one or the other? It's about treating All children within an household the same.

Pedantic, @swing

Someone was saying they don't see why their step children's needs should come BEFORE their own, as in they should be the same, and you responded by saying that is why step mums get a bad name. It's not hard to see from that why someone would think you feel step children's needs should be put first and foremost. You literally said that the opposite was what gave step mums a bad name.

@Kewlwife

It's great that you and your ex get on so well, to the extent of dog sitting and helping pay for holidays, but that really isn't the reality, even when it's an amicable split.

My DB is divorced and his view would be his Ex takes their kids where she can afford to, without any contribution from him and vice versa.

@JoanMavisIcecreamGirl, sorry about the confusion. Indeed, it reads a lot different when referring to the ex!

@PinkGinny

Equally unreasonable is the scenario where the stepchild is excluded as they are a grumbling pain in the arse of a teen - I've one child who wants 5 star; one who wants to adventure rapid down in the Amazon in handmade boats; and one who just embraces whatever. They get told to get on with it. Not left at home.

This is nothing to do with step parents and just a difference in parenting in general.

If I had been consistently rude and ungrateful about holidays as a child I 100% would not have been granted the privilege of going. Likewise, I will never take a child who behaves this way on holiday, whether they are my own or a step child.

For some people, gratitude is very important.

For some families, money is not ample and has more significance and I sure as hell would not justify the expense of a holiday if anyone there was going to stop it from being enjoyable through bad attitude an unreasonable amount of the time. Even if I had the money I still wouldn't, because I have been raised with an appreciation for costly luxuries and general manners, and it's the principle.

@PinkGinny oh I see - so my husband has to miss out on a holiday because of his son's behaviour. Riiiiiiiight. Yep. Totally fair

AE18, no my response was to a poster saying that they would always consider their kids needs and wants first.

My response was kids should be treated the same with the family, not that SCs should be treated better. Nothing pedantic about this.

@swingofthings

The wider comment might have expressed that sentiment but the part you quoted simply said

Again, I do not see why my partner’s children’s needs or wants should come before my children’s

And then you responded with surprise when people thought you meant that the step child's needs should not come first. If you can't see why people would get that impression from the part of the post you chose to complain about then you must be blind.

Ds is 3 and may well be a miserable little shit in 10 years time. I will try my hardest for him not to be, but realistically i am sure he will go through the moody teenager stage. Will he get rewarded for being a dick? No. He wont. Just like dss wouldn't

So you'll exclude him from your family holiday. Tell him that because his hormones are raging and he is acting grumpy and ungrateful, he is not worthy of being tolerated and he can go and stay behind. let's come back in 10 years indeed!

My DS was one of those teenagers. I took him on hols and ignored the worse of his behaviour. I accepted that being his grumbles and moaning, he actually did enjoy the holiday, at least some aspects of it. He is now 16 and absurdly lovely. Considerate, thoughtful and grateful.

Just wondering how you'd feel when you go through the menopause, get grumpy, depressed and short tempered and your OH said that he didn't want you on the family holiday because of you not being fun and acting happy.

@AE18 - I get that and agree. But in a 'together ' family if you like there is no handy other home to send the child to so you need to muddle through.

There are few parents who choose not to holiday at all because their teen is being a dick (within normal arsey teen thresholds, appreciate there are always extremes).

My eldest was a normal run of the mill pain in the arse on holiday, she was pretty okay at home tbh just wanted to do different things / whinged at having to be away from Wi-fi / couldn't do stuff that messed up her eyebrows etc. The delightful selfish and self-absorbed phase. Added no value / was a complication on the holiday but it's just how it is sometimes.

@AE18, read my post on page 5. I quoted someone saying that they didn't see why children of a first marriage should come first and because I challenged this, someone deducted I believed it was right they should come first which not what I said. I clarified later I meant all should be equal and still you are insisting that I said SCs should come first!

@chocolatesaltyballs22 - probably not but sometimes it's shit being a grown-up. But also he is the parent and so partly responsible for that child's behaviour isn't he? He shouldn't walk away from the rubbish bits saying it's too hard.

He doesn't 'walk away from the rubbish bits'. Just refuses to pay thousands for a whining ungrateful kid to go on holiday. Seems fair enough to me.

@PinkGinny

• I get that and agree. But in a 'together ' family if you like there is no handy other home to send the child to so you need to muddle through.

There are few parents who choose not to holiday at all because their teen is being a dick (within normal arsey teen thresholds, appreciate there are always extremes).

My eldest was a normal run of the mill pain in the arse on holiday, she was pretty okay at home tbh just wanted to do different things / whinged at having to be away from Wi-fi / couldn't do stuff that messed up her eyebrows etc. The delightful selfish and self-absorbed phase. Added no value / was a complication on the holiday but it's just how it is sometimes.*

I was in a "together" family and if I was being that rude they would have gone with my sister and I would have been sent to stay with my grandparents or left alone once I was old enough. It happened on some days out but never with a holiday because I was never rude about a holiday as frankly I knew I wouldn't get away with it. I was always very excited for the treat. Obviously the odd whinge while you're there because your legs are aching or whatever it might be is different from constant moaning and ingratitude.

I appreciate that teenagers can be selfish and self absorbed but methods like excluding me from treats if I was ruining it for everyone else by behaving that way was a part of how my parents taught me it was not on to act that way. As a result, I was not very selfish or self absorbed and was polite and grateful when offered a treat.

Some parents might not choose to tackle it when their children behave that way for whatever reason, perhaps because they can't bear the thought of them missing out.

But my parents were not like that and I take the same approach because I am aware first hand that it is possible to teach a teenager that that is not acceptable behaviour. Manners are the most important thing for me in raising a child.

swing hormones are not a good enough excuse for being a rude ungreatful shit. Maybe they are in your house but not mine.

Are you a mannerless horrible shit once a month? Thought not.

@chocolatesaltyballs22 - and doesn't sound fair enough to me. So there we are again. Two different opinions.

Having been the one spending the money I choose to keep the whinger involved in the family holidays and cracked on with being a parent. As did her father.