Holidays

[HotChocolateLover]

Firstly, this is all hypothetical. I only want genuine opinions as neither DH or I know what is the right answer.

I have one DS from a previous marriage, he has a DS and DD. We have done holidays the last three years including all three, one UK based and 2 foreign. This year is a ‘staycation’ as buying a house last year completely wiped us out.

Right, so next year, the ex is considering taking DSS and DSD abroad. This would mean that if only DH, DS and I went abroad together then our holiday bill would reduce by 40%. Everyone would get a holiday and surely that’s ok? We’re just agonising over it in case the step-kids think that their dad (my DH) is picking my son over them. But if their mum is taking them away then we will have the money to go away so why should we sit at home? We can’t really afford £5-6k for a week 🤦‍♀️ I just don’t want to offend anyone. Oh and by the way, my son’s dad had never taken him anywhere, never will and doesn’t even pay maintenance.

Sounds like you were in a pretty toxic relationship for your ex to laugh in your face for requesting financial support with taking your kids away. Thankfully, that's not how we interact with each other. Obviously breaking up was hurtful and disappointing but we just don't feel like that towards each other.

It isn't about the amount saved, it's about everyone being part of a team to make life more pleasant for all. That £100 might mean a mega day out doing something you never get to do while they're away. It might mean that they don't only have to eat in the AI resort and can venture out for a night or 2 and eat some real local cuisine.

And to clarify, I'm talking about one's co-parent going away with your child and their SP +/- their other kids.

Equally unreasonable is the scenario where the stepchild is excluded as they are a grumbling pain in the arse of a teen - I've one child who wants 5 star; one who wants to adventure rapid down in the Amazon in handmade boats; and one who just embraces whatever. They get told to get on with it. Not left at home.

Don't agree with this at all. Why on earth should anyone put up with a moaning, ungrateful teen-ager ruining their holiday?!

Dps ex. Not mine. And yes their relationship was toxic, hence him leaving. She is an awful person and she hates us both with a passion. She once told me shed have my baby killed so you can imagine how i feel about her. I dont think thats something you ever get over to be honest.

I dont see why i should make an effort to make her life more pleasant. My life is more pleasant without her in it. Even if she had an epiphany and decided to be a genuinley good person, i wouldnt be interested and i wouldnt want her money.

Your idea is nice but doesn't work for most people in reality.

I was one of three and had two half siblings. My mum couldn't afford to take up abroad and the only holidays we ever had were weekends in our grandparents caravan.

My half siblings parent was not from the uk so they went for every summer holidays staying with their grandparents plus some Christmas. Our shared dad also went on these holidays (he didn't stop the whole summer). It did feel very unfair to us that we never got a holiday with our dad but our brothers did.

@JoanMavisIcecreamGirl ah the 2 of everything tropé!

Not universally the case is it? Some examples - they don't need a room here as they've got one with their mum, they carry bags of belongings back & forwards as there is no point in having stuff here that hardly gets used and the point of this thread, they don't need a holiday as they are getting one with their mum.

My children get fucking amazing holidays with both parents. I'm pretty sure they would rather those parents didn't loathe each other. It's scant consolation.

Well dss has 2 bedrooms. 2 games consoles. 2 sets of clothes. 2 birthdays. 2 xmas'. 2 holidays most years.

Im sure dss would prefer it me and his dad didnt hate his mum and vice versa but we dont say anything negative in front of him, ever. I cant say the same for her though.

And your children are lucky to get "fucking amazing holidays" arent they. I dont think you should try and fill a divorce shaped hole with cash though.

@JoanMavisIcecreamGirl and mine too have 2 of everything but I recognise my circumstances aren't like everyone else's - it's not a universal truth.

Oh the amazing holidays aren't an attempt to fill any void - there is no void to fill. Simply, my ex and I are both in the position to fund them and have always done so, before & after divorce. Just the children get twice as many adventures now.

swing again a lot of us have joint children with our partners so they are not out partners step children
Indeed, but if you also have children with an ex, would you feel ok taking your youngest to Disney world without your older kids because they had a week camping with their dad?

He wants his children to do something fun with his own while his stepchildren are away having fun with their dad?
And that's one scenario I said was fine, but what if that's the only holiday he can afford and tells his partner that she joins with them or they won't have holiday time together that year?

@PinkGinny, exactly. I commented based on OPs but it seems a few here than commented based on their circumstances which are not comparable.

So then whats to whinge about ginny

You keep blabbing about "its not universal" exactly. Not all families work like yours and so don't feel the need to try and operate like yours.

I dont think ops doing anything wrong at all.

Indeed, but if you also have children with an ex, would you feel ok taking your youngest to Disney world without your older kids because they had a week camping with their dad?

If they were older and had no interest in disney then i wouldnt have a problem doing that. Id do something appropriate for the younger child i was taking. Which lets be fair is just common sense. The older ones wouldn't be missing out if it was something aimed at younger kids anyway.

No way would I go on holiday with step kids and not my own. It dosnt matter what they do with their dad that's their memories to share, I wish to create my own with my kids and so they come on holiday or we stay home and do things locally if money is tight. If my partner was willing to come away with my kids and leave his behind I would be rethinking the relationship. We are a family and so we all go.

@PerfectPenquins what would you do of your SCs mother doesn't let you take the SC abroad?

Indeed, but if you also have children with an ex, would you feel ok taking your youngest to Disney world without your older kids because they had a week camping with their dad?

This sort of happened to my DCs. Former Sc always the favoured one by ex’s parents. Always got/gets days out and holidays with them and my children were the ones who didn’t get a look in with anything.

So right before sc went to Disney World with said grandparents, I took my kids to Haven for a week. We had a lovely time and I felt no guilt leaving sc behind. Why would I? I was hurt on my own kids’ behalf.

It took the sting off a little for my kids. But sc’s mum still had a cats bum face about her angel not coming with us. Well maybe if she hadn’t have fed in to the favouritism her child have spent a week with us. Ohhh that’s it, she wanted her child to have both.

And I also didn’t push for sc to go with my parents to a caravan holiday that same year either. That year the Disney holiday made me throw “equality” right out of the window.

Rainbow- if that was the case then we would get permission from court as there is no court order currently as none needed we would pursue that route.

That could take you years and cost you a fortune penguins and in the mean time your own children miss out....

It dosnt have to take years or cost a lot of money. My brother represented himself, it was written into their court order and so he booked it for on his contact time and that's it. You don't need to have solicitors or anything. He also had I think it's called power of arrest in the order so if either of the parents refused contact that parent could be arrested.

Penguins would you take someone to court if otherwise the relationship is civil?

Frankly I wouldn't think holidays abroad would be worth over decent co-parenting.
Unfortunately my DSC will miss out because of their DMs irrational fear of mass shootings, to her that's a red line. nothing we can do about it.

But it can take years and it can cost a lot of money. Maybe it was simple for your brother but its not fot everyone.

If your ex is the kind of person who stops contact at the drop of a hat you may have to go back to court several times...

Its really easy to not comply with a contact order ..

I am not familiar with power of arrest but i assume its not in most contact orders as police are usually not interested in this kind of thing because its a civil matter.

@rainbowhairdontcare - this was our problem this year. SC (13) was offered (again) the chance to come abroad with us but instead said they’d spend just under a week with us but it HAD to be in the UK (although SC goes abroad with mum no problem). So DH, myself and my children went abroad as we got a cheap deal. Not only that but we’ve had a rough year and, rather selfishly it would seem, needed sun and to chill out for a week. The dates that we were then given to choose from to take SC away just didn’t work due to DH’s job and two commitments that couldn’t be moved. Long story short, SC has chosen not to spend any time with us this holiday as we are not taking them on a ‘holiday’. Lots of options offered around this, including a short break solely with dad and some family time, however it appears that none of this is good enough. I’m not going to not take my DC’s on holiday abroad just because SC declines the offer to come with us and sees the alternatives offered as not good enough. SC is treated the same as the others (although this appears to be an issue now as apparently SC should be treated differently) and if they choose not to come then that’s their decision.

@JoanMavisIcecreamGirl there's been no whinging or babbling from me [shrug]

Same old same old really.

In my view the OP is wrong. I'm allowed my view. I'm not alone in that view.

You are allowed a view. So am i....

Rainbow - does mum not want the kids to visit America? Is that something you can work around and visit somewhere else? Maybe that would put her at ease?

Joan
You need to request power of arrest I'm not sure that's the exact term, and prove there has been previous issues of contact refusal which is fairly easy. It won't be granted otherwise. This means the police have to step in they can't dismiss it as a civil matter. It never came to that but is there if needed.

That's correct Penquins it's non negotiable. My family lives across the pond. Will I then not let my DD and my DS not to spend time with their family because I can't take their step/half siblings? No chance. The SDC are very aware it's their DM who's not letting them. I don't think they're even allowed to talk about when they're with their DM. But apart from that we're all civil and try to work what's best for all DC.