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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Angry at DH

130 replies

Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 18:33

DH doesn’t usually have to “ask” for his kids to come here. We do normally agree on dates together though in the holidays and we have then EOW.

He works away so is only here weekends and has to travel to collect his kids. He and his ex are tbf terrible at pre arranging dates and seem to just organise things on an as hoc basis, and a week we have taken off we cannot have the kids because his ex has made plans with them

We are having a lot of building work done this week, house is filthy, in total disarray (DS has gone to stay with his dad) both lounges and dining room are completely unusable, I am sitting in our bedroom in the evening watching TV and eating in here so DH calls me tonight to say he’s coming home tomorrow (was due back on sat) and he’s collecting his kids and bringing them with him.

WHY?! Why would he think that’s a good idea?

OP posts:
mcmen71 · 29/07/2019 21:36

You go stay somewhere else and leave dh to sort his kids and builders

LolaSmiles · 29/07/2019 21:38

Reading your later posts, I think you're being uptight and are happy to chill in your room and have the quiet.

They're his kids whilst I sympathise with the lack of organisation, your later posts suggest you really don't like them and are quite happy to not see them.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 21:41

I have to work, it would be ridiculous for me to stay “somewhere else”.

I am very fond of them and I love them. I am
not always fond of their behaviour, which DH does not manage well.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 21:44

And I am not enjoying chilling in my room at all - I had upheaval and the dust and dirt and the builders and I cannot understand why you would invite more people into it to all be on top of each other

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 21:46

Hate upheaval sorry

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 29/07/2019 22:14

They're his kids!
Many of us can sympathise with the lack of organisation on his part but seriously just get on with it for a few days. You could all eat together in a different room, get takeaway pizza, let him deal with them.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 22:18

There isn’t a bloody different room!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 22:19

Yes they are his kids - I’ll go and sit in the garage shall I do his kids can stay? Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 22:23

I am not saying they can never stay again - just not this week as it will be shit for them and us, they can come for the next 4 weeks after this week if they really want to.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 22:29

Also - this is my home too so just as I would discuss anyone coming to stay (including my adult children) he should discuss with me.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 29/07/2019 22:31

@KTara

The whole thing sounds quite dysfunctional - it does not sound like his children can do a thing right in your eyes

I agree with this and the rest of your post.

The kids are being made out to be intolerable.

Fighting each other, can't drink without spliling a drink...destroying furniture... you say they're 6 foot tall at ages 12 and 14... it's like they're Amazon warriors.

Maybe he should take them to his parents as he said....it would be less stressful and avoid the girls being in the middle of a tense atmosphere.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 22:44

They are both 6 foot tall (as is their mother) they have size 8 and 9 feet, they are very tall girls, hence they can’t just camp down in any small space to eat.

They are destructive, this is nothing to do with their height, it’s to do with the fact that they don’t respect anything.

Their dad pays for their mobile phones and I had to text them to remind them to text him on Father’s Day.

They do not get on and they fight and push each other when we are out and at home.

They also both love drawing and we have loads of arts stuff for them here but the table is not useable atm.

They are not allowed pens in their bedroom after repeated incidents of writing rude things in biro in their bedroom.

But yes, this all stems from me being a shit step parent.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 22:46

DSD2 mobile phone got damp while she was camping at Easter, she then proceeded to smash it up totally (in front of her mother who just said, if O was you father I wouldn’t replace that). He replaced it (I was furious) and two months later the new phone is broken because she refused to put a cover on it.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 29/07/2019 22:50

I’ll go and sit in the garage shall I do his kids can stay?
It's this approach that just sounds dramatic.

People have renovations all the time.
People have builders all the time.
Not everyone has non resident parents to send the kids to or to swap weekends with.
People manage.

If his parents house is an option then that can happen.

It just seems hard to believe that this is a situation of renovations that no other family has ever found a way to have kids with.

ladybirdies · 29/07/2019 22:50

They sound horrible !

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 22:53

@LolaSmiles

So why have them during this period?

It’s absolutely nuts.

I hadn’t planned to have renovations with them here. If I had I would have put all the stuff that is in their room elsewhere wouldn’t I?

Now they will be arriving late tomorrow night and I will have to get all the stuff out of that room and move it somewhere else, on my own when I have been dealing with it all alone anyway and a stressful week at work.

I have back problems so moving stuff is difficult for me anyway.

The grandparents live 600 miles Away from
The kids.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 29/07/2019 22:54

Let your H sort it all out!

Disengage and let him deal with it all? Don't risk hurting your back further.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 22:57

I also brought my three kids up alone and navigated a new kitchen with them in the house BECAUSE I KNEW THEY WOULD NE HERE.

Which is the point everyone is missing.

This is also my older kids home who don’t live here, I wouldn’t be asking them to come and stay either because it’s chaos.

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 29/07/2019 23:00

Let him sort it out. It's his disorganization that's contributed to this.

My point is that if I knew my DH and his ex were haphazard on contact weekends, it changed on a whim (the kids can cancel if they dont feel like it) and are bad at organising themselves then I wouldn't be surprised if that continued and they end up having contact.

The only thing that's changed here is you've put some stuff in their room, which can be moved.

It's not ideal, but leopards and spots come to mind. Why would their approach at sorting contact suddenly change? It's the sort of situation that could be anticipated.

He can clear the room, you can all make do a bit, he can visit them at his parents, he could see them for part of the time and go out during the day.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 23:03

It just pisses me off because it’s causing unnecessary stress and not exactly promising them a good time with their dad.

I feel like he’s setting himself up to fail as he gets upset when he does actually discipline them and put boundaries in and then the next time they choose not to come.

He has massive anxiety (he takes medication for) re dirt and mess and he’s choosing to come home in the middle of something I was dealing with to add 100 more stress.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 23:04

With two kids who potentially sometimes are a bit difficult.

OP posts:
ReeReeR · 29/07/2019 23:08

OP I completely get where you’re coming from but you need to stop saying the girls are difficult as that’s what some people are responding to

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 23:11

I get that, but I call a spade a spade, sometimes their behaviour is really difficult therefore having them unplanned in stressful conditions is a ridiculous thing to do, when there is no logic or reason for it.

IF OH can take this week off at such short notice why can’t he take next week off instead?

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 23:12

The only week we can’t have them due to their mother having plans is the last week of August.

OP posts:
ReeReeR · 29/07/2019 23:14

Yes but your post isn’t about not having them because you’re difficult, it’s because it’s impractical due to the work you’re having done. That leads other posters to respond by saying you just don’t like them.

Your DH is being a douche. Let him take him to his mothers if that was a genuine offer.