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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Angry at DH

130 replies

Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 18:33

DH doesn’t usually have to “ask” for his kids to come here. We do normally agree on dates together though in the holidays and we have then EOW.

He works away so is only here weekends and has to travel to collect his kids. He and his ex are tbf terrible at pre arranging dates and seem to just organise things on an as hoc basis, and a week we have taken off we cannot have the kids because his ex has made plans with them

We are having a lot of building work done this week, house is filthy, in total disarray (DS has gone to stay with his dad) both lounges and dining room are completely unusable, I am sitting in our bedroom in the evening watching TV and eating in here so DH calls me tonight to say he’s coming home tomorrow (was due back on sat) and he’s collecting his kids and bringing them with him.

WHY?! Why would he think that’s a good idea?

OP posts:
ReeReeR · 29/07/2019 19:13

Let him OP

He shouldn’t have hung up when you can’t call him back until tomorrow. I’d have been really upset by that.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 19:14

Am used to it unfortunately Hmm

I think a lot of people in his line of work use the contact ability issues to their advantage.

I know he’s anxious about seeing his kids but this is a bit silly.

OP posts:
Lemoneeza · 29/07/2019 19:18

I can see both sides here. but he was out of order hanging up on you.

RandomMess · 29/07/2019 19:21

Trip to his parents sounds the best idea tbh!

Missingstreetlife · 29/07/2019 19:28

Yes trip to grandparents. You sound a bit stressed and uptight. Let him deal with it, he's the dad.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 19:29

He just gets angry and shouts rather than actually discussing it like two adults.

I find it stressful when the kids are here when I am at work anyway and no one enjoys having the house upside down.

Hopefully he’s sitting there feeling like the arse he is and realising he’s made an error of judgment and it’s going to be shit.

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Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 19:31

We parent very differently and he is really soft on his kids (much softer than he was on mine - which pisses me off) which leaves me to do the actual parenting (when is comes to damage to people, pets or property).

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iloveredwine · 29/07/2019 19:36

can he take them away for a few night to a caravan park instead? might be easier for everyone

ReeReeR · 29/07/2019 19:38

Your DH sounds like my DH, OP

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 19:41

As a parent you can kind of “foresee” what’s going to happen next can’t you?

They are pushing each other around the back room “stop please before someone gets hurt or something gets broken” DH just ignores it and the fucking chair gets broken.

It does my actual head in.

OP posts:
sauvignonblancplz · 29/07/2019 19:41

A 12 & 14 year old need lids for their drinks... would you wise up !

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 19:42

Every single time they have a drink in a glass it gets knocked over and spilt - believe me.

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sauvignonblancplz · 29/07/2019 19:44

You sound ridiculously tense and highly strung & your girls are reacting to the environment you’re creating.

Your husband phones, you get rude and he basically tells you to catch a grip!

Sounds to me like you’re getting your renovations done, you enjoy having the place to yourself and you really can’t be asssed accommodating your bloody children.
Confused

sauvignonblancplz · 29/07/2019 19:45

I don’t believe you . You’re creating problems.
Go out for pizza , or yeah just send them to the grandparents . Everyone happy.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 19:50

I am not tense and highly strung.

His kids are incredibly destructive. They have so far broken 4 dining room chairs, and countless other things including inumerable mobile phones, which yes makes me feel tense as DH never intervenes until it’s too late.

The environment they live in with their mother is one where no one gives a shit about the environment.

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Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 19:51

I am not creating problems - or lying Hmm

I don’t want them here this week and I don’t appreciate him springing it on me with no discussion.

OP posts:
SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 29/07/2019 20:15

No, we wouldn’t turf them out if they lived here, but they don’t live here so why invite them last minute

That's a really worrying attitude. Kids shouldn't be viewed as guests in their parent's home. Your husband's home should be their home, too. They may spend less time in it than in their other parent's home...but if you don't view this as their home, then that says a lot.

To be honest, you do sound pretty uptight. So, there'll be some mess while the work gets done. And some minor inconveniences (yes - eating in a bedroom is definitely a minor inconvenience). You'll figure it out and deal with it - that's what families do. Hell, it can even be fun.

Weigh up what's important. Your husband's relationship with his kids is far more important than a few crumbs in a bedroom.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 20:18

Oh ffs they are not guests but nor are they able to get here alone and sometimes it isn’t convenient to have them for a week at last minute - like whet you have no lounge or family space at all if it isn’t absolutely essential, which is isn’t, for their sake as well as mine.

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Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 20:19

There is even stuff shoved in their room which will need to be moved.

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Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 20:22

We are talking two girls who often have to be put in separate rooms because of their behaviour towards each other, spending an entire week in one room together.

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SandyY2K · 29/07/2019 21:00

When you say he shouldn't have invited them, it does make them sound like guests and you do sound really highly strung by it all... and extremely stressed out.

Why is he anxious about seeing his kids? That's not normal....there's obviously a lot more going on and this just adds to the existing issues.

Building works are stressful at the best of times...but in your case the kids are like guests, so it only adds to the hassle. Who would chose to invite guests over during building works? Nobody...but should he not see his kids because of building works?

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 21:03

Not wanting stuff in the house (my stuff) recklessly broken by people behaving like idiots, unchecked, is not uptight. It’s just having a standard of behaviour!

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Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 21:04

Yes building works are stressful so why have more people in the house than normal to add to that stress?

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KTara · 29/07/2019 21:27

Let your husband take his children to his parents - that sounds like the ideal solution. The whole thing sounds quite dysfunctional - it does not sound like his children can do a thing right in your eyes, it sounds like you and your husband are not in the same page about house rules and expectations, and it is not clear what this relationship brings as your DH is hardly there - which must bring its own stresses.

I would be annoyed if I was him though - he should be able to bring his DC back to where he is living and that should not really be an issue. The problem is that if he is not there all week, it must not really seem like he is living there properly himself.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 21:29

In 10 years it has never ever been an issue.

This one time it is an issue, even the child who does live here isn’t here.

He is in the forces, it’s commonplace in a forces family to live this way.

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