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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Angry at DH

130 replies

Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 18:33

DH doesn’t usually have to “ask” for his kids to come here. We do normally agree on dates together though in the holidays and we have then EOW.

He works away so is only here weekends and has to travel to collect his kids. He and his ex are tbf terrible at pre arranging dates and seem to just organise things on an as hoc basis, and a week we have taken off we cannot have the kids because his ex has made plans with them

We are having a lot of building work done this week, house is filthy, in total disarray (DS has gone to stay with his dad) both lounges and dining room are completely unusable, I am sitting in our bedroom in the evening watching TV and eating in here so DH calls me tonight to say he’s coming home tomorrow (was due back on sat) and he’s collecting his kids and bringing them with him.

WHY?! Why would he think that’s a good idea?

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 23:18

I get that. I am responding to the “you can all adapt” posts, it’s tricky because of the difficult behaviour.

Yeah his mum can deal with it 😂

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 29/07/2019 23:20

Thank God I don't have step children, or a husband lol.

ReeReeR · 29/07/2019 23:21

I hope you feel a bit better OP

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 23:23

Thank you.

I am just stressed out and have had a really bad throat for 4 weeks and him doing this while I deal with it all while he is away then shouting at me telling me my job is stressing me out and he’s coming home tomoz, with the girls is shitty behaviour from him.

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 29/07/2019 23:26

It is their home. Why wouldn’t they be welcome there any time.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 23:28

I am not in the school of thought that the NRP home is their home.

Unpopular here I know.

We pay a lot of money to support them in their own home.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 23:28

They have a bedroom here but they don’t live here, therefore this is not home.

We are 150 miles away from home.

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 30/07/2019 00:05

He should recognise your stress and invite them for another time, or deal with them himself. Yanbu

MichelleC69 · 30/07/2019 06:29

Just wanted to offer support as I would be pissed off in these circumstances too. Also their behaviour sounds unacceptable (but you're not allowed to say that on here without being accused of hating them). Your husband needs to step up and deal with it.

Hope it goes ok. I've also had lots of building work done and know how disruptive it is.

swingofthings · 30/07/2019 06:42

They have a bedroom here but they don’t live here, therefore this is not home
To you but clearly not his view. Whatever money he pays in maintenance has nothing to do with them being at home with their dad.

It's hard to leave with someone who consider their home not that of your children. However nice you are to the kids, it sends the signal thst you are not welcoming them in your life, therefore you are only tolerating them. This is probably the essence of the issue and why he lost his temper. It is very hurtful.

Ultimately, you can't feel se thing you don't feel but why are you not considering your shared home their home too?

LittleFairywren · 30/07/2019 06:44

I get where you're coming from. Your DH just thinks it's ok to do as he wants and you'll suck it up because you're just the stepmum. On Mumsnet its your job to accommodate your stepkids on any little whim regardless of the personal effect to you because it's their dad, it's their home, don't you love them, your attitude is really worrying blah blah blah. No, you got everything sorted to make the building work as stress free as possible and he comes along and shits all over that, and you're not allowed to say anything about it because he just hangs up on you. Arsehole.

SummerInTheVillage · 30/07/2019 06:46

You have every right to be angry. Tell him to take them to his mother's.

Ignore the first wives' club saying the stepchildren are golden and the world must revolve around them. They aren't and it doesn't. They sound awful and it's your DH's fault for allowing them to be.

BeautifulBlaze · 30/07/2019 06:54

If my ex said he can't see his children because the house is a mess they would be devastated! Time with children is precious, regardless of the home, it's ok for your son to live there, but not ok for his daughters to visit?

snitzelvoncrumb · 30/07/2019 07:05

I think you she just sit back, do nothing and let dh deal with it. Five minutes after they arrive he will realise you were right. Just do your thing and leave them to it. If they make a mess in their rooms leave it for their dad, or as a nice surprise for when they visit next. Sit back and watch the chaos, and refuse to deal with it.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 30/07/2019 07:06

Morning OP,

So I understand the annoyance factor especially if he puts the phone down (rude!) but you can call and leave him voicemails via the paradigm service - just get his unique number and follow the google instructions.

Leave can be really last minute if something is delayed or organised ahead but then cancelled. Chances are he was whinging at work about not seeing his kids so his company/department has worked around to let him be off. My husband regularly rings me with “good” news which actually hasn’t been thought through then gets irritated when I tell him a 3 hour round trip to collect him isn’t practical with a baby - he’s excited and hasn’t applied and common sense basically.

Yes having any work done is annoying! Sounds like you’re just highly irritated and the prospect of the girls being sprung on you would you up so you’re venting then justifying why. Try not to get too defensive to him as he’s rightfully protective of his kids (as I’d expect you are too) just tell him what he will need to rearrange when they’re around.

KTara · 30/07/2019 07:10

It comes across that you are really stressed out, but when I suggested the situation was dysfunctional, you said that you love the DC and it is perfectly normal for when a DH is away in the Forces and this is the first time there had been issues in ten years with DC coming.

You are describing a man who cannot cope with mess and dirt (maybe as a result of being in the Forces) to the extent he needs anxiety medication to cope (did I read that right?), who shouts at you ostensibly on the grounds that your job is stressing you out, is not on the same page as you regarding disciplining his DC although he was harsh to yours, and ignores the fact that you have agreed the housing works will be done when only you are in the house, then ignores you or cuts you off when you object.

Surely this relationship only works because he is not there most of the time?

The way you describe the DC does sound like they are difficult but as you say, there has not been any consistent parenting and by the sounds of it, contact is ad hoc and inconsistent. When the DC are there, there are usually your DC as well - who must usually have the house (and you?) to themselves. So there is a changed dynamic anyway. You do not consider his DC to have a home with you on the grounds that your DH pays maintenance for them to have a home with their mum (who must look after them pretty much all the time).

All of this combined means you are completely stressing out at the thought of these three people being in the house when there are building works on. It sounds to me, and I mean this kindly, that the issues are because of things which have developed over the last ten years.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 30/07/2019 07:13

A) my son isn’t here
B) it’s not a “mess” all the living areas are unusable.

OP posts:
KTara · 30/07/2019 07:27

I was talking generally - the reference to ‘mess’ is to your post at 23.03 last night- not about this specific renovation situation.

The point I was making was that your stress is cumulative based on cumulative issues as they seem through your posts - so my point about your DC was not based on this particular moment but the general point that the dynamic must change when his DC are there.

I was trying to say that if there were not these cumulative issues, maybe this one specific issues would not seem so insurmountable. But never mind.

endofthelinefinally · 30/07/2019 07:40

If I were you, OP, I would book a night for yourself in a travel lodge or similar, and leave them to it. You warned him that the house is not in a suitable state for an extra 2 people. It would be thoughtful of you to create more space by not being there.
He will probably look around and decide to take them to the grandparents.
People only learn by experiencing the consequences of their actions.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 30/07/2019 07:50

Two of my children have left home, only my 17 year old is left.

We never “moved in together” this was my house and when we first got together and he brought his kids here EOW but lived on the base in the week.

All my kids has their own rooms (as do his in their house) is they didn’t have a room here until mine left home.

That’s why I don’t consider it their home. It’s been a really gradual process.

Yes if their behaviour wasn’t so appalling it would be easier to adapt but still a PITA and adding stress to an already stressful situation.

OP posts:
snitzelvoncrumb · 30/07/2019 08:32

Why put up with it? Tell him to get his own place as his kids don't respect yours.

ReeReeR · 30/07/2019 08:34

I don’t think you should have to leave home OP

ElektraUnchained · 30/07/2019 08:53

Sounds like a nightmare.

It would probably be best to go to his mothers.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 30/07/2019 09:05

Get his own place Confused

We are married and his name is now in my mortgage.

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 30/07/2019 09:11

Thing is, even if it is their home, it's OP's son's home too and he's gone elsewhere this week because of the building work! Only sensible to minimise people coming to the house in the circumstances!