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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Angry at DH

130 replies

Iamnotagoddess · 29/07/2019 18:33

DH doesn’t usually have to “ask” for his kids to come here. We do normally agree on dates together though in the holidays and we have then EOW.

He works away so is only here weekends and has to travel to collect his kids. He and his ex are tbf terrible at pre arranging dates and seem to just organise things on an as hoc basis, and a week we have taken off we cannot have the kids because his ex has made plans with them

We are having a lot of building work done this week, house is filthy, in total disarray (DS has gone to stay with his dad) both lounges and dining room are completely unusable, I am sitting in our bedroom in the evening watching TV and eating in here so DH calls me tonight to say he’s coming home tomorrow (was due back on sat) and he’s collecting his kids and bringing them with him.

WHY?! Why would he think that’s a good idea?

OP posts:

Report

KTara · 30/07/2019 09:11

Well, it all sounds very convenient for him.

KTara · 30/07/2019 09:14

By which I mean your husband

endofthelinefinally · 30/07/2019 09:29

Just as an aside, OP, I hope you both made new wills as soon as you got married. So many people don't realise that you have to do this and it can cause a lot more than just stress.

Spanglyprincess1 · 30/07/2019 12:23

Op people need to read the thread. Your son isn't there as the house is in disarray. Of course your dp is being masisvly unreasonable to not ask or think of his children's comfort. My dp wouldn't be coming in the house if he did that and had the nerve to hang up on me.
I'd flat refuse to do anything and the TV stays in my room for my use. Dp can cook and sort out the boredom etc issues and mess as a result of his poor unilateral choices.

Also yes you need to change wills etc and I hope you projected you % of the house before adding him.

Spanglyprincess1 · 30/07/2019 12:24

Protected.... Stupid autocorrect

swingofthings · 30/07/2019 12:48

It might have been your home before but you married him surely it became his house too and by default his kids.

Moving into ones house from before rarely works because of it. It was your house before, he is there only weekends, it is obvious you still treats the house as yours.

Maybe you should consider moving somewhere new jointly where there's less history.

Spanglyprincess1 · 30/07/2019 13:50

Op sent her own son elsewhere, why is it unfair to ask step kids to do the same esp when not a pre arranged visit.
It isn't!

Magda72 · 30/07/2019 14:23

Jeez @Iamnotagoddess - you're getting an unnecessarily hard time! You have my sympathies - I'm trying to sell a house at the minute (different but similar to your situation) & am on the verge of asking exh & dw to take my two for a few days while I have viewings. Also told my eldest (who lives away) not to come home for a few days! And I'm neither uptight nor dramatic (some of the things you've been accused of).
I also don't believe that every nrp's house is a home for their kids & nrps's (my own dp included) need to get over themselves in this respect. My kids (who have a great relationship with their sm & younger half siblings) don't view their dad's house as 'home'. For them there's home (with me) & dad's. No one is bothered by this distinction except exh who takes it personally, all the while ignoring the fact that the kids are very happy visiting him (which is how the kids see it). I'd be pretty certain your sds' don't view your house as home either. There's nothing wrong with this so long as they're treated well when they're with you.
You're working, feeling under the weather & dealing with builders. You're dh needs to get over himself & realise that adding 2 kids who will need full on entertaining (as there will be no place in the house to have down time) into the mix is crazy!!
As you can't contact him I'd just make sure to take yourself out of the house as much as you can & leave him with the kids & the mess.

Tyersal · 30/07/2019 16:41

@Magda72 great post

pikapikachu · 30/07/2019 16:47

I think that you've had unnecessarily harsh replies here. Make sure your h does the cleaning and entertaining. I don't blame you for not wanting to have the dsd round while there's so much chaos in the house. Do they know what kind of bombsite to expect?

SandyY2K · 30/07/2019 18:09

Does he know your DS isn't there? Because of the renovations?

If so, I'd go out when he's due to come back with them and let him sort out space for them.

Unless he sees the state of the place and has to actually do something...Luke clear things and move stuff, he won't appreciate what you're talking about.

They do sound particularly destructive. I have DDs now in their late teens and I have lots of nieces and nephews.....none are destructive.

It sounds like a case of poor parenting on his part.

After destroying her phone...even her mum said dad shouldn't buy another one and he did....only to be damaged again. Sounds like he feels guilty for not being around much.

Nobody is saying a SM has to love or like SC no matter what. Tbh I would struggle to like a child, let alone love a child who had no respect for property and damaged it with no regard. A 12 and 14 yo spilling drinks repeatedly are simply very careless and lacking in common sense... what is it you love about them...because whether or not you're having renovations done...you've said you're stressed when they come round...even when you're working.

Iamnotagoddess · 30/07/2019 23:10

So he has come home tonight after being an absolute arse for a whole day. I suggested he stays in girls home tonight and takes them to his mother tomorrow.

He arrived here out of the blue without the kids saying that I had said we couldn’t have them.

He has behaved like an absolute dick since then and a martyr.

I have done more for those kids that both parents put together (to protect them).

He is sleeping in their room (his choice) and threw his phone at me then blamed me for it, which has base me seriously review what I really want here.

OP posts:

Iamnotagoddess · 30/07/2019 23:11

*home town

OP posts:

RandomMess · 30/07/2019 23:13

What an utter dick he isn't ever going to grow up is he...

Iamnotagoddess · 30/07/2019 23:20

Possibly not

OP posts:

RandomMess · 30/07/2019 23:23

He will Disney parent forever and anytime things aren't ok between him and his DDs you will be blamed. This isn't going to end well.

LakeIsle48 · 30/07/2019 23:24

OMG you poor thing! Your DH is an idiot, what on earth was he thinking. Two teen/pre teen sisters lobbed in for good measure. Only one of them will come out alive. I feel for you.

timeisnotaline · 30/07/2019 23:26

Hmmm to your very mature dh, that sounds a bit hard to get over op. I think his phone should be maturely smashed to bits actually (he doesn’t sound very contactable anyway so not so much of a loss for you!)

Renovating is a nightmare. We are about to rent a house out to a family renovating. One of my best friends is living with her mum while she renovates. Another is renting another house while she renovates. Not wanting children running around is pretty normal. The ops dh is being a dick.

Iamnotagoddess · 30/07/2019 23:28

He makes lots of threats and never resolved anything and I am losing my patience with his excuses to basically behave like an abusive twat.

He went into another room to sleep with great panache. I said “don’t worry I wasn’t planning on shagging you”

OP posts:

RandomMess · 30/07/2019 23:30

Sorry I would be divorcing him before he gains an even greater financial share in your property..

His DD will take priority over your DC.

Iamnotagoddess · 30/07/2019 23:34

I don’t really care about the money, the kids do.

Thing is I stand to inherit a lot more from my own family, which I do not plan on leaving to my DSC as they also have wealthy GPs, and will leave solely to my own children.?

OP posts:

ReeReeR · 30/07/2019 23:36

Ignore him OP. Don’t let him get you worked up. Have a good night’s rest. For as long as you are with him the best thing you can do is not let him affect your mental health. He is the problem. Don’t ever let him make you think that you are.

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RandomMess · 30/07/2019 23:39

I think it's more the constant drip of his DC on a pedestal, can do no wrong, can be rude and awful to you and your DC and future DGC... how is that going to make your DC feel, are they going to want to spend time at yours?

I've seen it in other families, the chosen ones get generous pocket money, lovely holidays, cars and so on all the while being disrespectful and their parent supporting that attitude.

Entirely up to you but not a dynamic I would but up with.

Magda72 · 31/07/2019 00:23

Op I think it's safe to say now that it's understandable why his kids are so badly behaved! Throwing stuff at you is just not ok, at all.
I have spent this week pointing out to my dp that his inability to get a handle on being an nrp & his inability to deal with the fact that divorce often means not getting to live ft with your kids is ruining our relationship & that I am seriously on the point of walking unless he can get some handle on his emotions around this issue.
I honestly feel this is make or break for us - after 5 years together he either makes valiant efforts now or I fear it will be like this forever & I just can't live like this anymore.
I say this because I think your dp is in a similar place. If he isn't prepared to take responsibility for his emotions & his kids you'll always be the scapegoat.
I hope you get some sleep tonight & that you are ok.

swingofthings · 31/07/2019 06:35

I also don't believe that every nrp's house is a home for their kids & nrps's (my own dp included) need to get over themselves in this respect
Another post where children from first relationship have to 'get over' themselves thing because it suits not the new family as a whole but the SM. Next there will discussion about how all children should be treated the same when under the same roof... Well that is when it suits!

If you want to treat the kids in the same household the same, discipline them the same ect... then of course they have to feel they are at home too. I am so thankful my dad insisted on that and although my SM found it hard, she did so too.

But of course, there's never any double standards in SMs world!

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