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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU not wanting to look after step-child

119 replies

usernamewastaken · 27/07/2019 08:34

I've been with my DP for 18 months, loved together for a year. I have a DD (7) from previous relationship. He has a DS (8.5) and DD (3.5) from two previous (two separate exes). His children stay over Friday to Sunday every other weekend. My DD goes to her dad's every Friday night and comes back on the Saturday - lovely child free slash house clean up time. My issue: DP wants to work overtime every weekend and thinks it's reasonable that I should spend my weekend that they're here looking after them. He says the money comes in handy. I don't see the extra money; we have separate accounts and we both put equal amounts into the 'house pot' each month, any extra he earns he keeps. I am beginning to resent my free Saturday down time being taken advantage of: I'm a single parent all week (it's me who makes her meals, washes her, clothes her, makes her packed lunch, all the things parents do - I do) and I don't expect him to do anything because he's not her parent (and she wouldn't want him to wash her/put her to bed anyway). So I enjoy my free Friday night and Saturday day off... but he expects me to look after his children. I accept they're part of him, but equally, they're his kids, they visit to spend time with him, he should not work when it's his time with them. Side note: the 8yo boy is lately full of attitude and the 3yo girl is very tiring to entertain (been there done that, it was my choice to have one and now feel like I'm back in the dummy and nappy phase. Another thing, I take unpaid leave over the 13 weeks school holidays to care for my child and DP is now asking if I'll have his two so 'we' can have them longer in the holidays. I said of course he can have the kids over, it's his home too, but he needs to be off with them too. He doesn't seem to understand that I'm taking a financial hit and yet I'll still be putting 50% in to the house pot, he hasn't said he'll make up the short fall (and I don't expect him to, it's my lifestyle choice) so I'll resent being used as a free childminder so him and his exes can work and not lose money (one ex works, the other doesn't). I need to find a way to tell him that his kids are of course welcome in our home, but they come to see him not me, and I shouldn't be taken advantage of. Also, he doesn't drive, so it's me who ferries everyone around with no petrol contribution. Just looking for some honest opinions, AIBU?

OP posts:
SeaSidePebbles · 27/07/2019 08:40

Hahaha!
NO!

They’re very welcomed to stay, but he has to look after them.

FiveStoryFire · 27/07/2019 08:42

YANBU

GaraMedouar · 27/07/2019 08:44

You are definitely not being unreasonable not wanting to look after the step children. That fri night and Sat child free is very important for you (I know - I really appreciated that time when my boys were small and at their dads). This all sounds really unfair. You were living with him after only 6 months which is very quick. Whose house is it? He should definitely not expect you to look after his kids while he works, and if I was the mum I wouldn’t let you ( nothing against you but I’d expect the dad to ). Plus you don’t see any benefit of the OT. He is using you for childcare. I would just say no way, not going to happen. But them I’m now a grumpy middle aged woman so I don’t hold back! I used to have a partner who had 2 kids who would come every Sunday (to my house as their dad was cocklodging with me). But I would have absolutely not been happy if he expected me to entertain them with him off elsewhere.

Stand your ground and refuse, he is taking the piss.

MyNewBearTotoro · 27/07/2019 08:44

You are definitely not being unreasonable, especially considering you don’t gave joint finances.

user1493413286 · 27/07/2019 08:45

I would make plans on your free weekends and say unfortunately you can’t take the children, even if those plans don’t get “cancelled”. I’ll happily look after DSD on the odd occasion when DH works but that’s maybe 1 in 6 weekends and she’s very easy to look after.
Also if you’re taking unpaid leave and having his DC he needs to put more in the pot

Davespecifico · 27/07/2019 08:45

He wants to have kid cake and eat it. Tell him no.

SeaSidePebbles · 27/07/2019 08:46

To clarify, I have a DP who has a young kid. He gets up in the mornings with her, he makes her breakfast, he looks after her. I look after my own child.
I wash his DD’s hair because he’s traumatised her by mistake (water in the eyes) and she’d stay with dirty hair if I don’t (he’s too scared to try for the time being). But that’s it, I’m not doing anything else.
We iron together, including both children’s clothes, we do the food shop for all of us. I sometimes accompany him when he drops her off (plus his ex and I are friends, it’s always nice to see her) but I would never pick her up/drop her off on my own, not my problem.

Soontobe60 · 27/07/2019 08:46

Op, which is your main issue? The financial aspect, or the childcare aspect?
Financial: draw up a spreadsheet showing him how much money you're contributing, either innpetrol costs, extra food costs or loss or earnings to look after his children.
Childcare: again, draw up a spreadsheet showing the number of hours you look after his children when he's not there.
Wait for his response! If he offers to put more money into the joint expenses and you're fine with that then ok. If, however, you're more upset at your loss of time when looking after his children when he's not there, the solution is easy, HE has them!

endofthelinefinally · 27/07/2019 08:48

He has got you exactly where he wants you.
Unpaid cleaner/ childminder who pays for her own accommodation.

Firefly111 · 27/07/2019 08:49

Definitely not being unreasonable, you need to nip this in the bud now though. I think him choosing to work when he has the opportunity to spend time with his children who is doesn’t see all week is awful and he’s completely taking advantage of you.

Weezol · 27/07/2019 08:49

No chuffing way. It is their time to see him!

GlitchStitch · 27/07/2019 08:53

No. He only has his kids 4 days a month, it's pretty crap if he can't even be there for them for that limited time. He sounds clueless about the reality of childcare tbh, especially in not appreciating that you need a bit of child free rest. Who is benefiting from his overtime? Certainly not you or your DD, not his kids if it means he doesn't see them, and I doubt he is offering to up his maintenance as a result. So he expects you to give up your limited downtime, his kids to not see him, all so he can line his own pockets.

Floopily · 27/07/2019 08:53

If he was single he couldn't do this could he? If you'd both agreed it for everyone's financial benefit it would be totally different but he's basically using you for unpaid childcare while he increases his pay with no benefit at all to you. I'd be telling him to do one!

samb80 · 27/07/2019 08:54

My goodness no way!
You are being used for free child care while he keeps up the good dad act.
If he wants to work he needs to make arrangements with their mums not you.

Confusedteacher · 27/07/2019 08:59

No way! Surely if he only sees them every other weekend he should be actively spending time with them, not working?! I will happily babysit my step children every now and then if DP is going out but every single weekend? No way it’s not fair on the DC or you.

AJPTaylor · 27/07/2019 09:01

Bin him

Windygate · 27/07/2019 09:04

If the mothers allowed the children to stay with father for all the school holidays I bet he'd request that the maintenance be reduced, in fact he probably already has it adjusted to show your DD as a dependent child.

Did he move into your home with you and DD? You could charge him child minder/baby sitting rates or he could look after his own DC. He's a cocklodger with a very nice deal at the moment.

AnneElliott · 27/07/2019 09:07

I agree with everyone else. He's taking you for a mug. And his poor kids not getting the time with him.

If I was one of his exes I wouldn't send the kids to be looked after by someone else. Surely they're better off at home with a parent?

Mermaidoutofwater · 27/07/2019 09:08

Have you explicitly told him it is unreasonable and you don’t want to do it? He presumably benefits from reduced maintenance payments while they’re with you as well but the kids aren’t benefiting from time with their parent.

onedayiwillmissthis · 27/07/2019 09:08

YANBU. as pp said he's got a free housekeeper, child minder & bed warmer. He's taking the piss.

EasyLifer · 27/07/2019 09:14

This isn't fair on you and it's very sad for his DC. Doesn't he want to spend his allotted time with his kids actually in their presence? He would rather be at work? Very sad.

namechangedforthis1980 · 27/07/2019 09:14

Wow he's a bloody cheeky one isn't he?!!

Lordamighty · 27/07/2019 09:32

It’s a big fat no to your looking after his children while he works.
It’s a big fat yes to asking him for a contribution to your petrol & car running costs. 45p per mile is the going rate I think.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 27/07/2019 09:39

He’s got life easy hasn’t he? You’re the free live in help.

fedup21 · 27/07/2019 09:42

What a selfish twat!