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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU not wanting to look after step-child

119 replies

usernamewastaken · 27/07/2019 08:34

I've been with my DP for 18 months, loved together for a year. I have a DD (7) from previous relationship. He has a DS (8.5) and DD (3.5) from two previous (two separate exes). His children stay over Friday to Sunday every other weekend. My DD goes to her dad's every Friday night and comes back on the Saturday - lovely child free slash house clean up time. My issue: DP wants to work overtime every weekend and thinks it's reasonable that I should spend my weekend that they're here looking after them. He says the money comes in handy. I don't see the extra money; we have separate accounts and we both put equal amounts into the 'house pot' each month, any extra he earns he keeps. I am beginning to resent my free Saturday down time being taken advantage of: I'm a single parent all week (it's me who makes her meals, washes her, clothes her, makes her packed lunch, all the things parents do - I do) and I don't expect him to do anything because he's not her parent (and she wouldn't want him to wash her/put her to bed anyway). So I enjoy my free Friday night and Saturday day off... but he expects me to look after his children. I accept they're part of him, but equally, they're his kids, they visit to spend time with him, he should not work when it's his time with them. Side note: the 8yo boy is lately full of attitude and the 3yo girl is very tiring to entertain (been there done that, it was my choice to have one and now feel like I'm back in the dummy and nappy phase. Another thing, I take unpaid leave over the 13 weeks school holidays to care for my child and DP is now asking if I'll have his two so 'we' can have them longer in the holidays. I said of course he can have the kids over, it's his home too, but he needs to be off with them too. He doesn't seem to understand that I'm taking a financial hit and yet I'll still be putting 50% in to the house pot, he hasn't said he'll make up the short fall (and I don't expect him to, it's my lifestyle choice) so I'll resent being used as a free childminder so him and his exes can work and not lose money (one ex works, the other doesn't). I need to find a way to tell him that his kids are of course welcome in our home, but they come to see him not me, and I shouldn't be taken advantage of. Also, he doesn't drive, so it's me who ferries everyone around with no petrol contribution. Just looking for some honest opinions, AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

usernamewastaken · 28/07/2019 19:14

Update. I won't be getting pregnant, I made a decision to have one child, and one child I have. I got tubal ligation 6 years ago. I know my own mind. Had a good talk with him, told him I will not stand for it, that he needs to be there for his kids, not me and I won't feel bad for being firm with that and if he doesn't like it, he knows where the door is. He stayed quiet and then said he knows I am
right, he just wanted to get money together to do 'family stuff' like holidays. I said it sounds nice, but we're not family, him and his kids are, me and my one are, and me and him are partners - that's it. I said I don't mind putting 50/50 into the household pot, I don't expect him to cough up more than me because ultimately it's my house and it always will be and if will never be in his name, is for me and my child. I said if he feels like a dickhead, that's on him, that's his consequence of his actions and if he doesn't like feeling like that, to not act like like a dickhead. I know him, he's not manipulative (not an ounce of Machiavelli type of intelligence about him). He does actually offer to look after my child so I can go out etc, or offers to take her out with his kids occasionally, I should have mentioned that, he often offers, but fiercely independent me always refuses. So to summarise, he knows the score now, and knows where the door is if he doesn't like it. I left a manipulative relationship, I'm not the sort to stay in a toxic relationship at all.

OP posts:

LightDrizzle · 28/07/2019 19:43

Great update OP!

FinallyHere · 28/07/2019 19:58

Great update OP

Good on you.

Sexnotgender · 28/07/2019 20:03

Good job OP.

BrienneofTarthILoveYou · 28/07/2019 20:10

Well done Op.

TripleSeptic · 28/07/2019 20:15

Yay! Well done

MoseShrute · 28/07/2019 21:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snappedandfarted2019 · 28/07/2019 21:48

There a reason he has two kids to two different women and is with neither of them dont let him make you take on the mom role it's his job to care for them and its appalling him wanting to take on extra work for the benefit of him not the household and forgo seeing and spending time with his kids. Tbh you've moved into living together far too quick and the cracks are starting to show.

Original poster

usernamewastaken · 28/07/2019 23:16

I have more failed relationships than he does, it doesn't make me a bad person, and I wouldn't want to be rejected for a relationship because of failed relationships - after all, aren't failed relationships, no matter if they have failed because of incompatibility or toxicity, the reason why we're single. I'm level headed and fair minded enough to not put that on him or reject him just because he has failed relationships. Whether we moved in together too quick or not, I think that issue was going to be there if we moved in together after 6 months or six years, I mean you don't really know someone until you live with them... and even then, even after years, issues crop up. I believe relationships have escalation stages, the honeymoon, the struggle stage when shit gets real and you begin to be yourself a bit more, the commitment stage when you accept each other and want to work out problems. I accept that all relationships require give and take, and no one is perfect, but no relationship should be one sided and feel like too much work for little return. I came to this to seek opinion/advice, I got it, subsequently had an adult conversation with him and things seem to have improved, but only time will tell. Thanks netters.

OP posts:

Nosavingshere · 04/08/2019 13:09

So the mothers of his children get their free time(rightly so) but you never get any even when your dc is away.
He’s throwing his toys out of his pram because you’ve called him out on it.
Don’t give in.
Just make arrangements for yourself when your dd is away and he is working

Original poster

usernamewastaken · 04/08/2019 14:06

@Nosavingshere, he's now working every other weekend, only when he doesn't have his kids. We've had a really good conversation about this, and he's understood. Communication is key, and not taking any shit of course.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 04/08/2019 14:58

Well done OP.

SandyY2K · 04/08/2019 23:22

Excellent.

More SMs should take a leaf out of your book and stop being used.

ItsOnAmericasTorturedBrow · 04/08/2019 23:26

YANBU - from now on say - I'm going out every Friday night and Saturday day to have some me time without kids - cinema, coffee or lunch with friends, the gym, anything. Sorry but you can't look after his children. Suggest he does the same the Saturday nights he doesn't have his kids but you have yours.

Fizzymama · 05/08/2019 20:06

@usernamewastaken hi OP, I've read your updates, and appreciate that you appear to have resolved your issue. But I'm just intrigued to know, will you ever see yourself, your partner and your children as a blended family?
I understand that may not be your view / feelings now as you've only been together 18 months. But do you see this as long term relationship? I mean it seems as though you and your DP are poles apart as to how you view your relationship, he wants to do family things together, you responded with whilst that was nice you're not a family.
BTW, I don't for one minute agree with what he was doing re weekend or holiday childcare, totally agree with you on that point.
However, maybe X years down the line, it wouldn't be unreasonable for you to look after SC if he was working as one off. Would you never think this was acceptable? Would you never consider going on holiday as a blended family? How will it work in the future?

Original poster

usernamewastaken · 06/08/2019 09:14

Hi @Fizzymama, Yes I do see it as a long term relationship. We do things together; this weekend we’re taking all the kids to a trampoline park for example, and we’re all going to Haven in October half term (that’s been booked since January). I have no problem in looking after them as one offs, I have a problem when it’s expected all the time.

@ItsOnAmericasTorturedBrow, please read my updates... things have moved on since the first post.

OP posts:

Original poster

usernamewastaken · 06/08/2019 09:14

@ItsOnAmericasTorturedBrow, please read my updates... things have moved on since the first post.

OP posts:

Mynabird · 16/08/2019 22:13

Seriously??? You are being a doormat. His children should be spending time with him, not you... why exactly does he want them over more when he isn’t even there to see them and spend time with them? And keeps all the extra money he earns for himself? If you’re not married and you separate in time, you wouldn’t even be entitled to any of that extra money he’s earning for your pains, might sound harsh but I’d run away as fast as you can. He is the the p.

Original poster

usernamewastaken · 17/08/2019 13:02

@Mynabird Have you read any of my updates?

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