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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

AIBU not wanting to look after step-child

119 replies

usernamewastaken · 27/07/2019 08:34

I've been with my DP for 18 months, loved together for a year. I have a DD (7) from previous relationship. He has a DS (8.5) and DD (3.5) from two previous (two separate exes). His children stay over Friday to Sunday every other weekend. My DD goes to her dad's every Friday night and comes back on the Saturday - lovely child free slash house clean up time. My issue: DP wants to work overtime every weekend and thinks it's reasonable that I should spend my weekend that they're here looking after them. He says the money comes in handy. I don't see the extra money; we have separate accounts and we both put equal amounts into the 'house pot' each month, any extra he earns he keeps. I am beginning to resent my free Saturday down time being taken advantage of: I'm a single parent all week (it's me who makes her meals, washes her, clothes her, makes her packed lunch, all the things parents do - I do) and I don't expect him to do anything because he's not her parent (and she wouldn't want him to wash her/put her to bed anyway). So I enjoy my free Friday night and Saturday day off... but he expects me to look after his children. I accept they're part of him, but equally, they're his kids, they visit to spend time with him, he should not work when it's his time with them. Side note: the 8yo boy is lately full of attitude and the 3yo girl is very tiring to entertain (been there done that, it was my choice to have one and now feel like I'm back in the dummy and nappy phase. Another thing, I take unpaid leave over the 13 weeks school holidays to care for my child and DP is now asking if I'll have his two so 'we' can have them longer in the holidays. I said of course he can have the kids over, it's his home too, but he needs to be off with them too. He doesn't seem to understand that I'm taking a financial hit and yet I'll still be putting 50% in to the house pot, he hasn't said he'll make up the short fall (and I don't expect him to, it's my lifestyle choice) so I'll resent being used as a free childminder so him and his exes can work and not lose money (one ex works, the other doesn't). I need to find a way to tell him that his kids are of course welcome in our home, but they come to see him not me, and I shouldn't be taken advantage of. Also, he doesn't drive, so it's me who ferries everyone around with no petrol contribution. Just looking for some honest opinions, AIBU?

OP posts:

Davespecifico · 27/07/2019 15:35

Awful. Terribly manipulative. Please don’t get taken in when he makes you feel bad for being reasonable. I would actually suggest the Mumsnet classic to LTB. Life’s too short.

EileenAlanna · 27/07/2019 16:10

He's already had 2 failed relationships & 2 DCs by 2 different mothers - don't let yourself become #3 by getting pregnant. For all that he may indeed have great qualities, among them isn't the ability to sustain long-term relationships. On paper, having his DCs for longer periods seems great, but it's only a technicality with him, he doesn't translate that to actually being with his kids. He doesn't even see being with you as that important, he'd rather have his overtime.
You & your DD deserve better. If you continue the relationship at all have him get his own place again & take it from there.

swingofthings · 27/07/2019 17:53

Him not agreeing to even discuss the matter is not avoid sign. A man with two exes with children and relationship that broke shortly after that is usually someone with serious faults. These uncover after the charm doesn't work so well any longer.

SavingSpaces2019 · 27/07/2019 18:23

Yes, he moved in quick
Now you know why!
He gets reduced living costs - more money for himself.
A housekeeper who also takes on all the mental load - more free time for him...which he uses to earn more money....which only benefits him and his children directly.
He gets free childcare - saving himself money on babysitters/clubs etc.
It's all win-win for him.

Yet he's never offered his own time to look after your DD....nor does he want to as he can't even be arsed seeing his own kids.

He's taking you for a mug OP.

SavingSpaces2019 · 27/07/2019 18:54

He's said "thanks for making me feel like a dick head .... appreciate that"
"You did that to yourself by trying to abdicate responsibility for your own dc"

He replied that I've changed
"How? I don't ever recall having a CONVERSATION about looking after your kids and being your unpaid servant".

Also, "Why do you feel entitled to my time? Why do you EXPECT me to do your childcare? When have you ever reciprocated that with MY child?"

I think he's starting to show his real colours now.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 27/07/2019 23:18

Just wanted to offer a male perspective on this.

Yeah, um...actually, it's the same as all the female perspectives. He sounds like a pretty rotten dad, and a pretty terrible partner, too.

EileenAlanna · 28/07/2019 00:31

Good to hear your input @SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad not all men are as big a loser as this one & any women worth her salt knows that.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 28/07/2019 00:40

If he doesn’t want to feel like a dickhead then he shouldn’t behave like a dickhead.

When does he actually see his children if he is working during contact?

Does he know what contact is for?

Yearinyearout · 28/07/2019 07:09

YANBU at all, you have to put your foot down with this or you'll become so resentful it will affect your relationship (if it hasn't already)

QueenBeee · 28/07/2019 07:24

Hmmm. A sensitive guy? So sensitive that he doesn't get that his DCs would want a tiny bit of his time and interest in their lives, poor kids, no wonder their resentful - Dad's making his lack of genuine love for them really obvious.

onedayiwillmissthis · 28/07/2019 07:25

You did not 'make him feel like a dickhead'...his own attitude, expectations and behaviour towards you are the result of him being a dickhead.

A selfish arse who cannot be bothered to parent his own children and thought he had it sussed by manipulating you into taking care of his children.

ContessaLovesTheSunshine · 28/07/2019 07:29

You sound like you have excellent and reasonable boundaries. He will try to make you feel like you're hideously unreasonable, of course, but you knew that already stand firm!

saraclara · 28/07/2019 07:35

Don't discuss it by text. Seriously, nothing important and difficult should ever be discussed via a medium that doesn't excess tone, facial expression or body language. Tell him you don't want to discuss it until you're have to face, or at minimum, can call rather than text.

saraclara · 28/07/2019 07:36

Excess= express

stucknoue · 28/07/2019 07:42

For the Saturdays, unless it's something specific yanbu, tell him he needs to be home, but for the summer hols explain the financial situation and he should offer to pay extra, though I'm guessing he's paying child support whereas you receive it plus any benefits due for your dd

Pineapplefish · 28/07/2019 07:50

"You've changed" is putting all the guilt on you and not accepting that his behaviour is in any way unreasonable. Whereas you just have to look at the responses on this thread to see that he is being completely unreasonable!

Stick to your guns, OP. Don't let him guilt trip you and take advantage of you. Honestly, giving up my free Saturday to look after two young kids and not benefiting from it at all (either financially or in kind, ie I would get back that time when he did something equally generous for me) would make me absolutely furious!

Tell him this arrangement isn't working for you. If that means you've "changed", who cares?! You're finally putting yourself and your DD first for once.

KatherineJaneway · 28/07/2019 08:00

YANBU. It would be a huge no from me.

"thanks for making me feel like a dick head .... appreciate that"

If the shoe fits...

I said how about how he makes me feel, I'd like to sort it out. He replied that I've changed.

No you've not changed, you just want some free time and not be an unpaid babysitter. He wants cash over time with his kids, you should not have to pick up the slack for that.

frijolesssss · 28/07/2019 08:00

So manipulative!!!!!!!!!!!!! Made me angry just reading your update OP.

Grobagsforever · 28/07/2019 08:41

Wow. He's awful. Neglecting his kids and expecting you to be his servant.

I second the poster who suggested you live separately

Gruzinkerbell1 · 28/07/2019 08:50

He’s not sensitive, he’s extremely manipulative.

“You’ve changed”

“Thanks for making me feel like a dickhead”

Stop acting like a dickhead then!

MoseShrute · 28/07/2019 08:55

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fedup21 · 28/07/2019 08:55

If he doesn’t want to feel like a dickhead then he shouldn’t behave like a dickhead

Exactly.

I can see just why he wants free childcare, a cheap place to live and the ability to earn more money for himself. Ask him what the advantages to you there are in his proposal?

FinallyHere · 28/07/2019 09:48

he expects me to look after his children

For this alone, never mind any absence of him doing the same your your child, I would say living together is not a good idea.

He doesn't seem to understand that I'm taking a financial hit and yet I'll still be putting 50% in to the house pot,
I think he understands quite well and is very happy to take advantage of the unfairness.

Childcare: again, draw up a spreadsheet showing the number of hours you look after his children when he's not there.

This does not need a spreadsheet, his children, his problem

This, wot @endofthelinefinally said:

He has got you exactly where he wants you.
Unpaid cleaner/ childminder who pays for her own accommodation.

this is the only real issue.
It's a bit of a serious one, though.

He expects you to look after his kids while he works and keep his wages for himself. Even if he uses the money for his own DC, it's still being earned at your expense. While you provide the house, save him rent. Oh dear.

He thinks you have changed, from someone he expects to provide free childcare (as well as free accommodation) to someone who is not prepared to provide free childcare.

And he is sensitive aka knows when he is onto a good thing.

bwydda · 28/07/2019 10:21

He's taking advantage of you and being a poor father to boot. Sensitive my arse, he's just trying to make it so that you don't challenge him.

timeisnotaline · 28/07/2019 10:24

I just.... I can’t! Oh I really could do with you looking after the children as I could really do with the money... that I don’t share. What?
How did he afford to live before moving in with you if he’s so skint?

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