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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU not wanting to look after step-child

119 replies

usernamewastaken · 27/07/2019 08:34

I've been with my DP for 18 months, loved together for a year. I have a DD (7) from previous relationship. He has a DS (8.5) and DD (3.5) from two previous (two separate exes). His children stay over Friday to Sunday every other weekend. My DD goes to her dad's every Friday night and comes back on the Saturday - lovely child free slash house clean up time. My issue: DP wants to work overtime every weekend and thinks it's reasonable that I should spend my weekend that they're here looking after them. He says the money comes in handy. I don't see the extra money; we have separate accounts and we both put equal amounts into the 'house pot' each month, any extra he earns he keeps. I am beginning to resent my free Saturday down time being taken advantage of: I'm a single parent all week (it's me who makes her meals, washes her, clothes her, makes her packed lunch, all the things parents do - I do) and I don't expect him to do anything because he's not her parent (and she wouldn't want him to wash her/put her to bed anyway). So I enjoy my free Friday night and Saturday day off... but he expects me to look after his children. I accept they're part of him, but equally, they're his kids, they visit to spend time with him, he should not work when it's his time with them. Side note: the 8yo boy is lately full of attitude and the 3yo girl is very tiring to entertain (been there done that, it was my choice to have one and now feel like I'm back in the dummy and nappy phase. Another thing, I take unpaid leave over the 13 weeks school holidays to care for my child and DP is now asking if I'll have his two so 'we' can have them longer in the holidays. I said of course he can have the kids over, it's his home too, but he needs to be off with them too. He doesn't seem to understand that I'm taking a financial hit and yet I'll still be putting 50% in to the house pot, he hasn't said he'll make up the short fall (and I don't expect him to, it's my lifestyle choice) so I'll resent being used as a free childminder so him and his exes can work and not lose money (one ex works, the other doesn't). I need to find a way to tell him that his kids are of course welcome in our home, but they come to see him not me, and I shouldn't be taken advantage of. Also, he doesn't drive, so it's me who ferries everyone around with no petrol contribution. Just looking for some honest opinions, AIBU?

OP posts:
fedup21 · 27/07/2019 09:48

If he was single he couldn't do this could he? If you'd both agreed it for everyone's financial benefit it would be totally different but he's basically using you for unpaid childcare while he increases his pay with no benefit at all to you. I'd be telling him to do one!

Agree

Grandadwasthatyou · 27/07/2019 09:56

Do not agree to this. It is the start of a slippery slope.
Plus what will his dc's mothers think of the fact that he's not even there for their weekend at his?

Original poster
usernamewastaken · 27/07/2019 10:11

Thanks all. You have made me realise I'm not a total twat for thinking like this. Yes, he moved in quick, and into my house (my mortgage, all my possessions, he was renting a fully furnished place). I have told him it's his home, but my house (and I won't be getting married again). I asked him to move in, he was here all the time anyway and it made sense to. I don't regret that, I'm not financially better or worse off (what I lost in tax credits, he makes up for in the other half of the bills etc). I'm very independent and I rely on no one, whereas he aspires to have a 'big blended happy family' and sees it normal that I'd look after his kids and he would look after mine, I just don't see my child as his responsibility (maybe it's my outlook that needs to change?). His exes are aware that he works at weekends, but still opt to send the kids here. He pays a lot in child maintenance to them, and doesn't have a lot left over after the CM and household pot (he shows me his bank account, he's a very open person, an oversharer some would say) so he likes the OT so he can put away for xmas/kids' birthdays etc and next on his list is him learning to drive. I take unpaid leave over the school holidays and my wages are pro-rata over the year so I get the same amount each month and I can live fine on that, I live within my means. I choose to look after my DD rather than holiday club because I chose to have her, and whilst I roll my eyes 25 times a day, I know I'll look back and be thankful I had the time with her. I just wish he was the same. Maybe he thinks I like kids! (I do... my own, not bratty whiny ones who don't seem to be grateful for anything) I love him and we're very compatible in other ways, he makes me laugh until I ache, he doesn't see me as someone to just make him dinner and roll over, we have great intelligent conversations - this is the only real issue.

OP posts:
kalinkafoxtrot45 · 27/07/2019 10:16

This is his contact time with his kids, so they can see him, and he’s palming them off in you? Cheeky fucker! I feel sorry for the kids. Time to put your foot down.

Doyoumind · 27/07/2019 10:17

Perhaps the mothers of the SC want their free time too but no one is thinking of the children. They are there to see their father. I would be firm with him on this one. It will have consequences for his relationship with the children whether he accepts that or not. He is choosing to work and they will remember he chose work over them.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 27/07/2019 10:21

You've been targeted Sad

Soubriquet · 27/07/2019 10:27

Of course I’ll look after your children

My childminding fee is xxx amount

I mean you’re earning extra so it’s only fair I benefit too

Bet he doesn’t want them as much then or will stay home with them

GaraMedouar · 27/07/2019 10:51

You are being used. My cocklodger exP was a ‘lovely guy’, friendly, loving, fun etc - so all was good, I thought we would be together forever - but his one fault was not contributing financially . (Yep, just a little problem there). So your OH is no doubt a lovely person. BUT - he is still taking the piss about expecting you to look after his kids.
Just say no. Take a deep breath and actually say it. This is not working, I’m not prepared to look after your kids all weekend when you are working OT. End of. Put your foot down.

Sunburntnoseandears · 27/07/2019 10:57

Suggest he gives you 50 %of his earnings when you have his dc. Or he makes his own childcare arrangements as you will be out with your own dc...

Original poster
usernamewastaken · 27/07/2019 11:02

I sent him a message because he's in work (OT) saying can we talk later. He says to talk now, OK.. I said the kids come here to see him, not me, and I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. He's said "thanks for making me feel like a dick head .... appreciate that". I said how about how he makes me feel, I'd like to sort it out. He replied that I've changed. He is quite a sensitive person, but I shouldn't not speak up for fear of hurting his feelings.

OP posts:
Sunburntnoseandears · 27/07/2019 11:11

You have changed from doormat to person and he doesn't like that.

Burru · 27/07/2019 11:21

Sorry username that’s pretty crappy reply from him - no sorry I didn’t know you felt like that, just all about him and his feelings!

PatriciaHolm · 27/07/2019 11:24

Yep -you've changed in that you now have an opinion of your own about this. You are not Doing What You Are Supposed To Do any more and he doesn't like it. He will make it out to be your fault - why are you changing your mind? Don't you care about the children? Etc.

Quite frankly the idea that he would rather work than see his kids when he only sees them 4 days out of 14 would be enough for me to kick him to the kerb anyway.

GaraMedouar · 27/07/2019 11:38

He is just trying to make you feel bad, feel guilty. Arse.

MostlyHappyMummy · 27/07/2019 11:38

It's possible that if he moves out and sees his kids at his place you may be able to stay in a relationship. The current situation, once you stop being unpaid childminder and stand up for yourself, won't work for long. But he'll try and hold onto it for as long as he can because it works so well for him.
Only you can decide if being a mug is a good way of living.

Bookworm4 · 27/07/2019 11:45

My spider senses tingle when men get described as ‘sensitive’ translates to moody fuck that expects a yes to everything.
His OT only benefits him, if you agree to this tell him you’re decreasing your amount towards bills over the summer.
Personally I’d tell him to feck off and get the whiners when he’s not working.

endofthelinefinally · 27/07/2019 12:03

Very, very manipulative.

pikapikachu · 27/07/2019 12:11

Why do I think that this sensitive man is only sensitive one way? (Sensitive to criticism about himself but insensitive a dickhead to everyone else?

A sensitive person would feel guilty about offloading their kids onto their partner and would fall over themselves with gratitude for the help so far and scrabbling to sort out something for tomorrow.

Sexnotgender · 27/07/2019 12:11

He’s playing the guilt card. Not a sign of a ‘nice guy’.

Nothing you have said is unreasonable, you’re just not doing as he wants and he’s going to lay the guilt on until you comply.

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 27/07/2019 12:11

What @pikapikachu said.

pikapikachu · 27/07/2019 12:19

He's a massive cheeky fucker. He needs to be reimbursing you for petrol at the minimum (hope he gives you money to entertain his kids)

MaudebeGonne · 27/07/2019 12:19

Good, he should feel like a dickhead, because he has behaved like a dickhead. He now needs to decide whether he wants to change his behaviour and no longer be a dickhead, or crack on.

Either way, it isn't up to you to mind his children. No wonder his 8 yes old is full of attitude when instead of spending the weekend with his Dad he is with a woman he hardly knows.

Fontofnoknowledge · 27/07/2019 12:20

No no no OP !! You must never call him out on crappy behaviour. That would be meeeeeeeaaaan and trigger his sensitivity ..
Oh - btw , when you apologise for upsetting him (which you WILL feel obliged to do ) he will begrudgingly 'forgive' you as long as you are a good girl and NEVER question his lack of parenting / shared financial responsibility again . Got that ? Excellent. As long as you tow the line all will be well.

Btw OP I am a step mum to 5 of his and mum to 3 if mine. They come to see there dad . (and me) .. but if dad isn't here , I make it clear that I am not available either. If the father of his own children can't be around I am certainly not going to pick up the slack in my free time. The children are being let down by their parents . Not me.

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 27/07/2019 12:24

My FiL does that when challenged on his shitty behaviour. He tries to spin it around to 'you made me feel baaaaad!' 😭😭😭😭 as though him feeling a negative emotion is the worst thing that could possibly happen to the universe.

Last time he did it I just said 'that's fine, you're entitled to your feelings.' Casual shrug, moving on. His head practically exploded- men like this are used to people scrambling around to make them feel better.

readitandwept · 27/07/2019 13:36

"You've changed" - exactly the words said to me be an ex friend when I was 11, after I moved primary school and then back again and wouldn't take her shit anymore!

Agree with him. Tell him that you have changed and if he doesn't like it, he knows where the door is.