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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU not wanting to look after step-child

119 replies

usernamewastaken · 27/07/2019 08:34

I've been with my DP for 18 months, loved together for a year. I have a DD (7) from previous relationship. He has a DS (8.5) and DD (3.5) from two previous (two separate exes). His children stay over Friday to Sunday every other weekend. My DD goes to her dad's every Friday night and comes back on the Saturday - lovely child free slash house clean up time. My issue: DP wants to work overtime every weekend and thinks it's reasonable that I should spend my weekend that they're here looking after them. He says the money comes in handy. I don't see the extra money; we have separate accounts and we both put equal amounts into the 'house pot' each month, any extra he earns he keeps. I am beginning to resent my free Saturday down time being taken advantage of: I'm a single parent all week (it's me who makes her meals, washes her, clothes her, makes her packed lunch, all the things parents do - I do) and I don't expect him to do anything because he's not her parent (and she wouldn't want him to wash her/put her to bed anyway). So I enjoy my free Friday night and Saturday day off... but he expects me to look after his children. I accept they're part of him, but equally, they're his kids, they visit to spend time with him, he should not work when it's his time with them. Side note: the 8yo boy is lately full of attitude and the 3yo girl is very tiring to entertain (been there done that, it was my choice to have one and now feel like I'm back in the dummy and nappy phase. Another thing, I take unpaid leave over the 13 weeks school holidays to care for my child and DP is now asking if I'll have his two so 'we' can have them longer in the holidays. I said of course he can have the kids over, it's his home too, but he needs to be off with them too. He doesn't seem to understand that I'm taking a financial hit and yet I'll still be putting 50% in to the house pot, he hasn't said he'll make up the short fall (and I don't expect him to, it's my lifestyle choice) so I'll resent being used as a free childminder so him and his exes can work and not lose money (one ex works, the other doesn't). I need to find a way to tell him that his kids are of course welcome in our home, but they come to see him not me, and I shouldn't be taken advantage of. Also, he doesn't drive, so it's me who ferries everyone around with no petrol contribution. Just looking for some honest opinions, AIBU?

OP posts:
MammaMia19 · 28/07/2019 10:26

You’re being perfectly reasonable
I’d give him two choices

  1. He doesn’t work when he has his children
  2. He puts a percentage of his overtime into the joint pot and extra money to cover your days off in the holidays
Its not equal that you are financially worse off at the moment. It’s your choice to take unpaid leave but equally if you are living as a family he would support you.
LightDrizzle · 28/07/2019 10:30

YANBU!!!
What a wanker!
He’s a wanker for treating you as unpaid domestic labour, he’s even more of a wanker for not wanting to spend time with his own dc.
I’m so cross it’s ridiculous.
I hope you dump his scabby arse, but at the very least stop enabling him at all.

Ratbagcatbag · 28/07/2019 10:32

What an arse. He's absolutely trying to turn it around on you. Of course a blended family works for him. Living on his own he has to do so much more, and it costs him more too.

wibbletooth · 28/07/2019 10:35

He’s the one that has changed. I bet originally when you first started going out he was ‘happily’ looking after his own dc when he had them and was at least playing the part of loving father rather than being on the lookout for a free childminding service.

Expecting you to give up your free time to childminder when he is supposed to be looking after his oen kids is the change; you haven’t changed a bit.

Not surprised he tried to have the conversation at a distance to back foot you.

Time to start putting a load of stuff into the diary for your childgre days, even if plans change and you don’t go out, you need to occasionally so he can’t rely on you for childcare.

Likewise the holiday that you have taken yin’s off for is for special times for you and your dd. One thing to do a very occasional day helping out if you want to (you never know it might be handy to have a couple in the bag to get childcare help from do or his ex occasionally or in an emergency) but completely unacceptable to expect you to do it.

Did he ever ask or just tell you about his expectations? What has he done in previous summers?

MashedSpud · 28/07/2019 10:39

He needs to pay for a nanny out of the money you don’t get to see.

LightDrizzle · 28/07/2019 10:41

Sorry, I posted before seeing your update.
He will be very hurt and upset because you have “attacked” a core belief he has about himself and exposed the contradiction and dishonesty of it. He sees himself as a good family man providing for his children financially, and maturely embracing blending families for the good of the children. The fact that his model for this relies upon you providing all the domestic shitwork and being financially disadvantaged, is not the warm, fuzzy reality he wants to face. I mean it’s almost as if he’s selfish! The injustice!
Don’t let him turn this around on you. Don’t let him gaslight you. He is bang out of order.

SandyY2K · 28/07/2019 11:13

YANBU.

But he's being a user. Do not do this, or it will set the tone for the rest of your relationship.

Having a child with him would also not be a great idea as a pp said.

Stick to your guns and don't fall for his attempts at emotional blackmail.

fedup21 · 28/07/2019 12:28

Have you talked again?

S1naidSucks · 28/07/2019 12:32

For all that is holy, do not get pregnant to this man, or he’s eventually going to end up with another silly woman looking after THREE kids, while he lives the single guy life. There’s a reason he’s separated from the other mothers.

wibbletooth · 28/07/2019 12:39

Also remember that just because he says something doesn’t make it true

At the start of the year you weren’t even living together - would he still expect you to look after his dc if that was still the case? What happened last summer?

SillyNameChanger · 28/07/2019 12:44

Stand firm, OP!!

spam390 · 28/07/2019 12:44

YANBU, he IS !

He has to look after his own children when they come over, or you ALL do things together. No other choice.

You deserve your free time, HE can do overtime when his kids are at their own mums, period !

BrienneofTarthILoveYou · 28/07/2019 12:51

YANBU - he's playing you for a fool and taking complete advantage. Don't let him guilt you or make you feel bad at all Op. Shockingly poor behaviour and parenting on his part.

frazzledasarock · 28/07/2019 12:57

‘You’ve changed’?

Well surely he could move out and take care of his own responsibilities and you both could date and enjoy each others company?

That’s what I’d do.

Otherwise you’re getting all the work and the financial hit, ferrying everyone around in the car, extra groceries, unpaid childcare when you’re own dc is at her dads etc and none of the fun really.

Ask him to move out and go back to dating for a bit. And he parents’s his own children.

frazzledasarock · 28/07/2019 12:58

And I love how he’s ‘sensitive’, so you have to walk on eggshells around you whilst he rides roughshod over your feelings!

Tell him you’re sensitive too.

Whosorrynow · 28/07/2019 13:01

He's having a fuckjng laugh isn't he

Quartz2208 · 28/07/2019 13:03

This is a very unbalanced relationship OP

Whosorrynow · 28/07/2019 13:11

'He will be very hurt and upset because you have “attacked” a core belief he has about himself and exposed the contradiction and dishonesty of it. He sees himself as a good family man providing for his children financially, and maturely embracing blending families for the good of the children. The fact that his model for this relies upon you providing all the domestic shitwork and being financially disadvantaged, is not the warm, fuzzy reality he wants to face'

⏫I think this is an excellent summary⏫
He has built up a facade which makes him look like a good guy, he has only been able to maintain this facade because he has maneuvered and manipulated you into working for him for free, now that you are seeing through it and realising that you don't have to go along with this he's panicking because he is about to be exposed for what he really is

EL8888 · 28/07/2019 13:26

Is he for real?! Does he think you're the housekeeper / hired help / nanny or something? You need some down time like we all do. You do need to book some of your own plans on the weekends he work a for the principal of it and to have your own life. You don't even financially benefit from the overtime. They're are his children, l would be taking a step back so he can parent them. He probably feels like a dick head because that's how he is being!

Oh yeah and l can't stand the "sensitive" thing. People like this are usually ultra careful of their own feelings but no one else's....

Whosorrynow · 28/07/2019 13:37

I asked him to move in, he was here all the time anyway and it made sense to
Correction!
You think you asked him to move in but he had already moved in by stealth long before, in other words he maneuvered you into asking him to move in

Whosorrynow · 28/07/2019 13:41

The reason he's able to be this cheerful happy person who makes you laugh and entertains you with his intelligent conversation is that you are doing things that he finds boring and stressful
all the things that would make him stressed and grumpy he has outsourced to you

Whosorrynow · 28/07/2019 13:45

I said the kids come here to see him, not me, and I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. He's said "thanks for making me feel like a dick head .... appreciate that"
You tell him that you are unhappy and you try to explain the reasons, a decent person would respond with concern and would want to put things right, they would take you seriously

He responds with sarcasm, this is a verbal attack, he attacks you and disregards your concerns
He's just a c* isn't he

Whosorrynow · 28/07/2019 14:03

Also note that when you express your concerns he is immediately on the defensive, this suggests that he has things to defend ....that he knows he's in the wrong

VimFuego101 · 28/07/2019 14:03

How many times has he looked after your DD for you? Just for shits and giggles, I'd sit him down and ask him how he thinks you can share childcare for all the kids during the summer, not just his, so that costs and time spent providing childcare are split fairly between both of you. I bet he won't even have considered reciprocating.

CocoLady · 28/07/2019 16:16

He wants a babysitter which u are not. Do not n I repeat not start this because once it starts it does not stop!! You don't ask him for your child and he shouldn't for you ! One of my ex's started asking me to watch his niece that was it for me !