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Original poster

Unhappy with partner going away with baby over wkd without me to visit his other son

129 replies

Mamalovey · 18/06/2019 20:58

Just want people's opinions on whether it's reasonable for me to feel unhappy about this or if I am being unreasonable and ought to lighten up.

I have a one year old son with my partner. He has a 12 year old son from a previous relationship whom he visits for a few days each month. It's a one hour flight away. They stay at my partner's parents house ie. Granny and grandads.

For the first nine months after our baby was born and whilst I was on maternity leave we have been flying over to granny and grandads every month during my partners visit to see his 12 year old son. Now that I am back at work, baby and I are going there maybe every four or so months.

My partner has talked about taking our baby over (without me) on the occasional long weekend. Being that an extra adult flight fare is much more expensive than just taking a baby.

I don't feel happy about it, for a number of reasons,

  • I feel left out and unimportant. As long as baby is there is all that counts. They'll have a blast without me.
  • my partners son is autistic and spends a lot of time in front of the screen playing video games. When we are at granny and grandads my partner ultimately ends up being in the living room hanging out next to his 12year old playing video games with him or just sitting there. I am so scared that our baby will be influenced by all the screen vibe.
  • I don't feel happy that my partner has to jump on a plane every month already but he must visit his son, therefore it isn't a choice for him. I don't want my baby having to jump on a plane as well if he doesn't need to. If I'm not flying, then baby doesn't need to fly.

Grandparents and 12year old son would be delighted to have baby over, but is it my duty to keep them happy even if I'm not? It's not that we don't visit at all, it's just not at the frequency that would be ideal for them. My parents are a 24hour flight away and they'll be lucky if we manage to see them once a year.

My partner isn't pushy about it and does see that I don't like it, but the grandparents are always hinting at it. I just don't feel comfortable and happy about it but don't know how to justify it to them.

OP posts:
StrippingTheVelvet · 19/06/2019 15:36

I do think you need to compromise then and go as well. Throughout the thread you have indicated you don't want

  • all 3 of you to go
  • him and baby to go
  • him to go and leave you alone with baby

Really what you're saying is just see your kid every 4 months. That's totally unacceptable for a father to only bother with their child 3 times a year. You need to step up here and be an adult rather than putting your wants above the best interests of a 12 year old with additional needs.

bordellosboheme · 19/06/2019 16:48

Velvet. The dp can go as often as he wants. The OP does not have to and owes nothing to anyone. End of story.

notmylittleangel · 19/06/2019 16:53

Yabu

MyOtherProfile · 19/06/2019 16:56

You are a man right? Did you ever have to pump all weekend?
Hahahahaha

I'm a woman who bfd and pumped and did whatever to make things work. But obvs I must be man since I don't agree with you! Nice one.

swingofthings · 19/06/2019 17:07

I don't know what is it you (and many others) are getting out in judging the OP
I'm not judging OP at all for her feelings. I was exactly the same. I already said that leaving my dad for 5gree days at 18 months old got me in tears for 3 days. I totally get it BUT it doesn't make it right and it doesn't give the mother exclusivity over the child. The first time without our children is often tough whether they are 1 or 4 but is it fair to stop other important people in their life building a bond with them? No. Does it make it on to consider dad incapable to look after his child, no it isn't.

swingofthings · 19/06/2019 17:07

OP also hasn't responded to the question as to why they live so far away in the first place.

StrippingTheVelvet · 19/06/2019 17:15

I don't enjoy spending a weekend with baby without his father.

The man can't win whatever he does. OP is basically expecting her husband to keep her happy at the expense of a 12 year old with SN.

bordellosboheme · 19/06/2019 19:26

Velvet you've taken her quote above completely out of context Hmm

Original poster
Mamalovey · 19/06/2019 20:20

@swingofthings.why is it relevant to know why we live so far away from each other? It just is.

OP posts:
Original poster
Mamalovey · 19/06/2019 20:38

I came here to ask for insight from all perspectives and I appreciate them all. However, to those who are jumping at the chance to make myself or anyone else feel pathetic for their actions, please read the entire thread properly before doing so. There is much misinterpreted commenting going on here. Feel free to judge as you wish, but it's tiring when the info you base your judgements on are incorrect.

OP posts:
MustardScreams · 19/06/2019 20:51

@Mamalovey don’t take it to heart, I really think some people have nothing better to do than judge and be nasty about other people’s lives on here. And that is a sad existence indeed.

hazandduck · 19/06/2019 20:54

Agree @MustardScreams

swingofthings · 20/06/2019 06:42

Because of he moved far away from his family for you, then it justifies even more his desire to bring BB any to build a bond with his son and family.

In the end many posters said that they thought you were unreasonable. You are free to decide that you're not bit it gives a perspective if people think the same in real life. If your OH is happy to respect your wishes despite them going against his then it isn't an issue.

MaximusHeadroom · 20/06/2019 06:54

Hi OP, my DH's family live a 2 hour flight away and he has taken at least 1 child on every visit since DC1 was 6 months old. It was hard for me the first time but got much easier.

It has made DH a better parent to have time when he is in charge of the child's welfare without deferring to me, strengthened his bond with each child and made me comfortable doing things I want to without worrying about whether he will cope. His family are engaged with our kids and they know their cousins really well too.

I am not telling you what to do and you have to decide for yourself, but am saying there can be upsides too.

Suebnm · 20/06/2019 06:59

I don’t think you’re being unfair or selfish at all. I wouldn’t allow it.

If your boyfriend is a good and understanding dad he will understand why.

I’ve got a very capable husband and father but I still wouldn’t want it. I was very attached to my babies and one is too young.

blackcat86 · 20/06/2019 07:27

YNBU given that you have a lot of incidents where the other adults clearly werent adequately looking after your child. I would not be happy with this arrangement. The baby doesn't need to go every time. Siblings are important but so is a baby's attachment to its mother and wanting to bf. It does sound like your partner sees you as quite disposable and there is literally no negotiation around the arrangement. I would be saying that of course your partner should go and see his son but no your bf child will not be going away monthly without you. You're not selfish and you do not have to agree to things that make you uncomfortable just to appease DPs family.

Original poster
Mamalovey · 20/06/2019 11:37

My partner moved away from his hometown (where older son /parents live) long before he met me. He has a court order for rights to visit older son every month. This is his only chance to see older son and he goes regardless of whether baby and I go.

He is a capable dad and understanding person. He has mentioned wanting to take baby over, but has never pushed about it.

I understand it makes older son happy to be able to see his baby bro every now and then. This we make happen every four mths at the moment. However the trip is expensive, the journey is long, is disruptive to baby's routine and is tiresome for everyone.

I am not comfortable with my partner having to fly every mth, let alone all of us flying frequently or baby flies when I am not. Its a given for my partner but it isn't for us.

We will reassess this as baby gets older, is sleeping well and off the boob. Right now I need to think for baby and trust my instincts. I am not comfortable with it, whether it's for my own selfish reasons or not.

Many thanks for all your comments, they have been helpful. Our situations are all different, and there are details and reasons which we aren't able to/don't have time to share all of here.

@swingofthings, in the end many posters have said I was unreasonable, and many posters have also understood where I was coming from. I thank everyone for their views whether same or not. I have learnt from them.

OP posts:
katewhinesalot · 20/06/2019 11:47

I think yabu. Certainly if you keep it up as the baby gets older.

Ya-also-bu to feel left out. This isn't about you. It's about your partners relationship with his eldest son and by default, their relationship with your baby. Don't take it personally. It's based on financial realities rather than anything else.

You can choose to be resentful or you can choose to accept the situation and put a positive spin on it - you get a lovely weekend to yourself once a month.

katewhinesalot · 20/06/2019 11:48

And you should be proud that your DH is such a good dad to his eldest DS. Surely that bodes well for your own child?

SandyY2K · 20/06/2019 15:41

I think it's important for his older son to spend time just with his dad.

Your baby has dad all the time and he doesn't.

I would feel uncomfortable if my DP wasn't particularly attentive to the baby, so I understand your concerns in that regard.

Apart from that I would enjoy the peace and quiet without the baby.

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 02/07/2019 19:23

I think in the future (a few months to a year) it would be reasonable for baby to fly out with just dad occasionally. Obviously not every month, but maybe a couple of times a year.

I am assuming that GP will also probably help DP with baby.

4 months sounds like a long time to go without the two of them seeing each other, every time.

Not saying you need to let baby go with DP soon, but think about how it could be a compromise for the future.

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 02/07/2019 19:31

I think the screen thing will be one you will need to compromise on in the long run - DSS uses screens a lot as does DP, and they are both important members of baby's family. That may not reflect your values but I think there are probably much bigger battles to be won.

I'm a bit sceptical about the screen time thing... My dad grew up in a house where TV was always on, and all his life he watched utter shite TV in the evenings at home (think allll talent shows and soaps!)

He also always came top of his class acedemically and ended up as a leader in a very competitive field.

So I don't think screen time is as awful as people suspect it might be.

mamaofboyzz · 02/07/2019 20:47

I can understand how your feeling but the screen time and influencing the baby is really silly

Scorpiovenus · 10/07/2019 15:31

Can you not just put a stop to him taking the baby.

Ayemama · 12/07/2019 12:25

I'm really late on reading this post.
But for what's its worth I'm in a slightly similar situation (it's a 3 hour drive instead of a one hour flight though).
I didn't allow my DH to take our oldest away for the weekend on his own until she was over 2 and completely off the boob.
And even still it's a huge disruption to her routine and I know she is looked after differently as my MIL's as she's is a living nightmare for about a week after they come home.
My DH goes every second weekend and he would love to take her every time im not there( I go maybe one in 3 weeks then 2 times in 3 weeks depending on what's going on at home.) but I don't normally allow that due to her behaviour on coming home.
But I do try to let all the kids spend a good chunk of time together without causing too much upheaval for everyone as they are siblings and that bond is important.
I love holidays where they come to us instead as don't have to contend with MIL and huge upset to the kids routines.
We also have an almost 12 month old and DH will not be taking him away until he is at least 2 and off the boob also and will have to do a couple of one night trips before he takes him for a whole weekend.
I get how hard it is being left alone for a long weekend. It's a lot of work with no one coming home to help at x time to look forward to if you are struggling.