Unhappy with partner going away with baby over wkd without me to visit his other son

[Mamalovey]

Just want people's opinions on whether it's reasonable for me to feel unhappy about this or if I am being unreasonable and ought to lighten up.

I have a one year old son with my partner. He has a 12 year old son from a previous relationship whom he visits for a few days each month. It's a one hour flight away. They stay at my partner's parents house ie. Granny and grandads.

For the first nine months after our baby was born and whilst I was on maternity leave we have been flying over to granny and grandads every month during my partners visit to see his 12 year old son. Now that I am back at work, baby and I are going there maybe every four or so months.

My partner has talked about taking our baby over (without me) on the occasional long weekend. Being that an extra adult flight fare is much more expensive than just taking a baby.

I don't feel happy about it, for a number of reasons,

• I feel left out and unimportant. As long as baby is there is all that counts. They'll have a blast without me.

• my partners son is autistic and spends a lot of time in front of the screen playing video games. When we are at granny and grandads my partner ultimately ends up being in the living room hanging out next to his 12year old playing video games with him or just sitting there. I am so scared that our baby will be influenced by all the screen vibe.

• I don't feel happy that my partner has to jump on a plane every month already but he must visit his son, therefore it isn't a choice for him. I don't want my baby having to jump on a plane as well if he doesn't need to. If I'm not flying, then baby doesn't need to fly.

Grandparents and 12year old son would be delighted to have baby over, but is it my duty to keep them happy even if I'm not? It's not that we don't visit at all, it's just not at the frequency that would be ideal for them. My parents are a 24hour flight away and they'll be lucky if we manage to see them once a year.

My partner isn't pushy about it and does see that I don't like it, but the grandparents are always hinting at it. I just don't feel comfortable and happy about it but don't know how to justify it to them.

So exactly what I'm saying then. Suggesting that just because dad isn't the primary carer he just isn't a good enough carer. He is still dad, and if these parents ever split he would be taking baby on his own more than a weekend every blue moon. These people are all still baby's family.

YANBU
Don't let people bully you into thinking you are. Your son is ONE. Way to young to be taken flight distance away from you.
I have a toddler and would not be happy to be parted with him.
My DH worries too so we go to visit family abroad together.
Tell the grandparents to visit with your step son and you will go out for few hours to let siblings "bond"...
But then seriously? An autistic 12 year old and a 1 year old bonding?
My SD was 14 when baby arrived and bonding didn't start till baby turned into toddler and become interactive..

Really tell the "hinting" MIL and FIL to piss off..

I completely agree with you OP. If you’re still breastfeeding and your one year old isn’t used to being cared for solely by his dad overnight then there is NO WAY I would let this happen. You are not being selfish you’re being sensible. I can’t believe how many people are saying this is ok!?

A 1 year old is very young and vulnerable child who needs their main carer every day and esp. overnight. If dad was really involved and often cared for him over weekends alone then MAYBE it would be ok but this doesn’t sound like it’s the case. Even then the baby being in a strange place and him needing to spend time with a 12 year old would mean it would be far from ideal. Like a pp said be a tiger stand up for your baby, listen to your instincts!

If it makes you feel better my 20 month old is going to visit her grandparents with my soon to be ex this weekend. It’s about 3 hours away and I am going along. Even though it will be awkward as fuck there is no way I’m leaving her in someone else’s care overnight. I can’t bear the thought of her distressed in a strange bed needing comfort and me not being there. Her grandmother is very trustworthy but I don’t care I’m going.

With you, OP. I absolutely would not let my one year old go on a flight without me. Trust your instincts. There can be visits when he’s older, right now in my opinion especially when breastfeeding, infants largely just want their mothers for comfort. You don’t have to justify it, he’s your baby and if your instincts tell you no then that’s that. Also what you say about the car getting hot etc would also worry me. I think some people forget what it’s like to have a baby once their children get a little older and more independent.

I suspect the fact that flights are free under 2 is playing a part. It won't cost anything financially now but it will when he is older.

You are being very fair. Maybe at 20+ months for a night or so if you aren't still bf and you feel sure that someone is the designated caregiver of your child. And definitely it's worth revisiting the option as your child grows up - at 3 or 4 it might be a good idea, the boys might have a relationship of a kind.

But it sounds like DH isn't recognising that he would have to split attention/parent 2 needy children at the same time. And that the grandparents aren't going to step up.

And your son is a breastfeeding baby. Breastfeeding children (under about 3) should not be separated overnight from their mothers unless necessary. Older nurselings there 'may' be wriggle room.

You also have valid feelings of being considered extraneous

It’s a no from me.The needs of the one year old should come first not the wants of the dad or Gps. A one year old prefers routine and stability, most dislike long journeys. I’d say maybe ok when he’s older ( 3 or 4) , can articulate his feelings, is a little less dependent on mum and can really enjoy it. I definitely wouldn’t agree to him travelling without me at this age.

OP if you don't feel comfortable with the environment your partner is planning to take your baby to, then you are correct to veto it. Everyone saying a parent has the right to
See family, fine, but if the set up in which they are going to do so is not conducive to the baby being well cared for then they can shove it to be frank.

I think yabu. What would you do if you and your DH split and he had your ds every other weekend?

Just because you can't go shouldn't mean your ds should miss out of bonding with his sibling and grandparents.

Let your DH take his child as often as he wants - I'm sure it will be a bit weird at first but you will grow to love that bit of freedom I'm sure.

Let your DH take his child as often as he wants - I'm sure it will be a bit weird at first but you will grow to love that bit of freedom I'm sure.

Why are you sure of this?

You are definitely unreasonable. What if it was the other way around and you wanted to meet your family for a weekend and your OH couldn't. How would you feel with him saying you couldn't go because his instinct was saying it wasnt good for him? There is such a sexist attitude on these forums that fathers are incapable of looking after their babies properly. Of course most are perfectly capable.

Saying all that I totally understand your feelings. I had to leave my DS with his father one weekend when he was 18 months as an emergency came up, and I cried my entire way there and felt so anxious. I couldn't wait to be back, convinced my boy had cried for me. As it was, I came back to a happy boy who had been perfectly happy with his dad. It helped me a lot to realise that it was OK to be without my baby.

Another point that doesn't seem to have been brought up, why are you/him living so far away? His parents are there and your parents are miles away so couldn't you move closer?

Could you do a ‘trial’ weekend at home where Dad does all the baby care including nights and bottle feeding to see how Dad and baby cope without you. (But you will obviously be at home and on hand in case!) This may show up any potential issues/validate your concerns before he is on his own, miles away, and without you for help. Or you may find Dad and baby cope marvellously and it helps put your mind at ease. I can completely understand your concerns, I would feel the same. It’s not about not trusting Dad, it’s about the needs of a small child who is used to having Mum and Dad around, and suddenly Mum is not there. This is especially the case with breastfeeding, breastfed babies are not comforted the same way by a bottle, the two are not interchangeable.

I don't see any issue with your baby flying over to see his brother and grandparents. You'll get some well earned rest too

I'm unsure why you think it is completely up to you if your DH takes your DC with him for the weekend, he is your childs father after all and has the same rights as you do! You are being completely unreasonable and selfish I'm afraid. Your DCs visit to see the GP and big brother isn't about you so you feeling left out is irrelevant. If my DP wanted to take our DC to see his other 2 children for the weekend i would not hesitate, he is our childs father so has the same authority as i do 🤷‍♀️ Let your DH enjoy spending some time with BOTH of his children without you for a weekends and actually enjoy a bit of 'me' time.

What's OP going to do with her engorged breasts all weekend. People who advocate this forced separation are just not thinking this through. What if the baby screams all night for boob- what will dad do? Nah. Forget it. The autistic 12 year old and 1 year old baby won't even notice each others existence so all this bonding stuff is utter crap!

I would love to know how many of the posters saying it’s OK for the baby to travel, have actually done so. Especially with a breastfed baby.

@bordellosboheme pump. Same as women do when they work.

Your DCs visit to see the GP and big brother isn't about you so you feeling left out is irrelevant. If my DP wanted to take our DC to see his other 2 children for the weekend i would not hesitate, he is our childs father so has the same authority as i do 🤷‍♀️

I would say it's not irrelevant at all. It very very relevant to survival of this family unit. It's great YOU would not hesitate but OP does and she is this babys primary carer.
If they were to split up due to him and his family treating her as "irrelevant" good luck to the NRP, every other weekend father, in getting permission(in court) to take the baby abroad against primary careres wishes.

It’s his child as much as yours. You can’t have equal parenting and control the infants life completely around your own insecurities.
Think more positively. You get a weekend off a month. Baby builds relationships with father and grandparents. Father gets chance to parent in his way. Baby learns to feel secure with other loving adults.

It’s a win all around.

I would like it if my husband took the kids away to see family everyone and then leaving me with a child free weekend!

I left bf DS with his dad during his first year of life for work trips, so, yes, I'd be fine with him travelling with DS to see his family. No worries.

However, what strikes me is that you, OP, won't be with your parents for another year. Why not? And can't they travel to visit you?
I don't think it's fair and I'd have a conversation about balancing your and his visits to family.

And at one year of age bf doesn't have the same importance.

Sorry OP, this does come across as being about you and your baby not seeing your parents as much as your DH does. It is a shame, but it's the way it is.

I'm guessing that he has asked to take the baby on his own because you are clearly unhappy when you are there with him? Whether that is because you don't like his son or because you are seeing his parents and wish you were seeing your own. Your reasons are all about you, not the baby and if the position was reversed, I bet you wouldn't hesitate to jump on a plane without your DH to see your parents if they were an hour away.

I hope you can find a compromise, but your DH taking care of the baby for a weekend does not make you unimportant, that is simply not true and very catastrophic thinking. I can absolutely understand you not wanting to be apart from your baby at that age, honestly, but he would be with his other parent.

Yabu, you don't need the be there all the time. Why not a mix of dh alone, with baby & all of you?

Wait til baby is older.

Sorry - I'm just confounded at the amount of people on this thread who just aren't taking on board what the op has actually said! The level of projection is unreal.
This baby is ONE which is still very young.
This baby is still being bf.
OP's dp is suggesting she doesn't travel so as not to have to pay fir another adult flight.
The dp only sees his other son once a month & this son is autistic & (understandably) needs his dad's attention. The baby also needs attention because he's only ONE! Attention which will be compromised for both children without an extra set of hand.
The gps have other commitments & aren't available for full time baby care.
Honestly op stick to your guns. Your ds traveling alone with dad when he's older, doesn't need as much hand on care & can interact with everyone a bit more might be less of a problem, but at the moment you and your dp do not have equal parenting rights as you are the primary caregiver to a bfing baby.