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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Unhappy with partner going away with baby over wkd without me to visit his other son

129 replies

Mamalovey · 18/06/2019 20:58

Just want people's opinions on whether it's reasonable for me to feel unhappy about this or if I am being unreasonable and ought to lighten up.

I have a one year old son with my partner. He has a 12 year old son from a previous relationship whom he visits for a few days each month. It's a one hour flight away. They stay at my partner's parents house ie. Granny and grandads.

For the first nine months after our baby was born and whilst I was on maternity leave we have been flying over to granny and grandads every month during my partners visit to see his 12 year old son. Now that I am back at work, baby and I are going there maybe every four or so months.

My partner has talked about taking our baby over (without me) on the occasional long weekend. Being that an extra adult flight fare is much more expensive than just taking a baby.

I don't feel happy about it, for a number of reasons,

  • I feel left out and unimportant. As long as baby is there is all that counts. They'll have a blast without me.
  • my partners son is autistic and spends a lot of time in front of the screen playing video games. When we are at granny and grandads my partner ultimately ends up being in the living room hanging out next to his 12year old playing video games with him or just sitting there. I am so scared that our baby will be influenced by all the screen vibe.
  • I don't feel happy that my partner has to jump on a plane every month already but he must visit his son, therefore it isn't a choice for him. I don't want my baby having to jump on a plane as well if he doesn't need to. If I'm not flying, then baby doesn't need to fly.

Grandparents and 12year old son would be delighted to have baby over, but is it my duty to keep them happy even if I'm not? It's not that we don't visit at all, it's just not at the frequency that would be ideal for them. My parents are a 24hour flight away and they'll be lucky if we manage to see them once a year.

My partner isn't pushy about it and does see that I don't like it, but the grandparents are always hinting at it. I just don't feel comfortable and happy about it but don't know how to justify it to them.

OP posts:
MysweetAudrina · 18/06/2019 22:35

I think agree to it once. He might find it too much bother to suggest it again. If my dh wanted to bring one of our kids to visit his family he just does. I don't feel it's my place to stop him. He has as much right as I do. What if you wanted to take baby on a 24 hour flight to visit your family without dh. Would you think it would be ok for him to stop you?

RiddleMeThis2018 · 18/06/2019 22:36

my partner can also be very reliant on the screen as well, being glued to it at the dinner table, forgetting to keep an eye on baby if he's busy on his phone etc. Grandad works and granny has plenty other duties during the day. Older son was picking baby up whenever he liked all wobbly headed when his head still needed supporting, and I have been nervous ever since.
And I can’t seem to copy it, but the OP is also worried that the baby isn’t adequately supervised while her partner is tending to his elder son, and that they don’t notice when he gets too hot on the long car journey from the airport.
It doesn’t sound to me like the baby WOULD be well looked after...

Doyoumind · 18/06/2019 22:41

I think YABU. It's good for the siblings to have time together and for his parents to spend time with your baby. It's an occasional weekend. It's hard to be apart from your baby but this is your baby's dad, not some stranger and he has every right to take the baby along. Why not plan something fun with your friends and make the most of it?

MustardScreams · 18/06/2019 22:49

I’m usually very YABU on these type of threads, but I think I would be incredibly apprehensive as you are op. If your partner has form for not being especially aware when looking after his baby I wouldn’t be very comfortable with him taking him away for any length of time that includes a lot of travel.

Plus you’re still breastfeeding and baby doesn’t settle that well. I’d go with them when you can for the time being and reevaluate when your son is a bit older.

BackforGood · 18/06/2019 23:12

I know this is step paretning and not AIBU, but I do agree with everyone else.
You are making this about you, when actually there are a lot of other people involved.
Your dp
Your step son
Your PiLs (well, dp's parents)
and - your dc's relationship with all these people.

You should let them go, if you can't afford to all go. It will be good for your dc to build a relationship with as many of his relatives as is practical.
IT isn't a competition between how many times your parents and his see your child. Why you don't visit your parents or they don't visit you is completely separate. He (your dp) is going to visit his other son anyway - it makes sense to take the baby.

CarolDanvers · 18/06/2019 23:18

I'd would not like this and it wouldn't happen till he was older. I absolutely hate on here how mothers are told to ignore their own instincts and concerns and told they are selfish because they don't want to be separated from their very young children. Do not do it till you feel comfortable OP and don't be coerced by people on here telling you you're selfish blah blah blah. You're not. What you feel matters too.

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/06/2019 00:02

Honestly he sounds a bit shit. Not attending to his children's needs. I would have no concerns with my DH, but yours? Yes I would.

And why can't you see your parents with the baby?

Magda72 · 19/06/2019 01:33

@Mamalovey - your baby is ONE!!! Ffs I can't believe that people are on here telling you you're being unreasonable because you don't want to be apart from him, or that you don't want him traveling that much & being disrupted just to keep his df, half brother & grandparents happy! You're his mother & your instinct counts. He's a BABY, not a young child or a teen.
I'm also reading it that your dp is suggesting you stay home to save on airfares!
You and your ds going every four months or so is absolutely fine at your sons age imo & the rest of them can just suck it up! Personally I don't think you & the baby should have been expected to travel every month anyhow, even if you were on maternity leave.
Can I ask why dss &/or gps never do the journey to visit you & dp? Why is it always you guys?

Purpleartichoke · 19/06/2019 01:37

I’m not a fan of separating children and breastfeeding mothers overnight for anything other than an extreme emergency. I certainly wouldn’t be ok with my baby traveling without me.

You are in a bind though. You chose to have a baby with this difficult custody situation in place. Any chance of moving closer?

Nameisthegame · 19/06/2019 02:08

Your breastfeeding the baby can’t be away from you yet, 9 months is nothing age wise there’s no reason they can’t wait for a trip where you don’t go.

Nameisthegame · 19/06/2019 02:11

Also your dp would not be able to give his son proper attention considering the frequency of visits he should enjoy some time with his ds. Put your foot down.

Bluerussian · 19/06/2019 02:18

I think it will be alright for your husband to take your son (his little son) to see his older boy and grandparents for a weekend but I do understand your anxiety. You'll miss him and want to be sure he is OK. When they get back and you hear about the trip you'll be reassured but this one will be the first time so it's natural to be anxious. Don't try to stop it happening though, it's important to your husband.

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 19/06/2019 02:51

I'm with you OP. One is too little to be away. He won't understand where you have gone, he's still waking at night, still breastfeeding. Also he's your baby, and you're not ready to be separated. That's fine. It doesn't matter that there are women on this thread who would have been comfortable being apart from their baby at the same age. Good for them, but it's not for you and that's fine.

Also I think you have valid concerns if the baby's dad is lax on safety and care.

Don't get pressured into ignoring your gut on this one.

bordellosboheme · 19/06/2019 02:55

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theculture · 19/06/2019 03:46

I think he should go

If you don't trust him to look after the baby does that mean he doesn't have any solo responsibility for the baby now?

I live in Scandinavia where it is normal for the father to have months of paternity leave - usually at 10 months onwards, and just as the mums had to learn to when the baby is born you can really see how important it is that the dad has to as well . This time where he has to learn to step up could benefit you all in improving the shared parenting of your child.

It is important to your DH and your babies sibling, I respect the effort your DH is going to to keep up the relationship with his DS

The only downside is the breastfeeding, how you handle that as that is important for you; perhaps a compromise by waiting a few months but trying to visit more often all together in the meantime?

Anuta77 · 19/06/2019 03:46

It seems like the ppl who tell you to just let the baby travel without you don't remember what it is to have a baby!

I'm with you on this one as a mother of a breastfeeding toddler who wakes up several times per night! Yes, your DH is a parent too and has the same rights in theory, but not all parents are created equal and we see it all the time on this board. I know that my life revolves around my toddler's needs. My DP loves him, but his focus is work/renovations/his 2 other children. If he goes to see his children (40 min drive one way), his attention will be on them, not on the toddler. One of his sons constantly asks to let the toddler come to their place and I say no for this reason and because I don't think he has to spend more time in a car then necessary. So I absolutely understand how you feel anxious that your baby won't be taken care of appropriately and about him taking the plane too much. He's way too young for that!

Yes, it's good to develop the relationship between siblings. I'm not familiar with autism, but does SS even interact with him a lot given the age of your son? My toddler at 1 was crying every time he saw his older brothers. They have many years ahead of them to develop a relationship.

About feeling left out, I understand you as well. DP's children sometimes even forget to say hello, the only person who matters is the toddler. Even if I understand why, it's unpleasant. But it could be just negative thoughts, try to understand why you're feeling like that.

I do agree that later on, you could use a free weekend to your advantage.

MyOtherProfile · 19/06/2019 03:53

Given that your baby's other grandparents are so far away they can't have a hands on relationship with him I would let him go sometimes just to support his relationship with your in laws. You can lay down some ground rules with DH about some practicalities but I wouldn't think it was bad if he went every other month. Then he would be going 3 times a year with you, 3 times without you. I do think it must be tough but you need to remember that we are talking about your baby's dad taking him for a weekend to see his brother and grandparents.

edgeofheaven · 19/06/2019 04:03

I agree with you OP for a few reasons:

  1. your DH is going to spend time with the 12 year old, if you're not there he's going to have to give up a lot of this time to take care of the 1 year old instead

  2. GPs - how active and ready are they to do primary care of a 1 year old? Because I have a feeling that your DH is going to lean on them a lot as well

  3. can't imagine much bonding between an autistic 12 year old and a baby

Talk to your DP about how many trips you can afford for all of you to go up this year together. Say you can re-discuss him travelling without you when baby is 2-3 years old.

Snipples · 19/06/2019 04:04

No I wouldn't agree to this either. My DHs parents tried to get him to travel with our DD to see them without me. One hour flight away as well and she was around 10 months old at the time, to save them having to visit us once and DH said no. My DH is quite hands on and would have struggled with the realities of flying with a baby on his own tbh. Our DD is one now and in your position I would say No.

Seniorschoolmum · 19/06/2019 04:06

I wouldn’t agree. You are still breastfeeding, and your partner will be with his elder son. This trip is basically to allow his parents time to see the baby. It is not for the baby’s benefit.

I’d stick to all travelling together once every four months until your ds is weaned and a regular sleeper. Babies aren’t toys to be handed around.

Anuta77 · 19/06/2019 04:07

I want to add that the person a breastfed young child wants to be is his mom!

MyOtherProfile · 19/06/2019 04:09

My DH is quite hands on and would have struggled with the realities of flying with a baby on his own tbh

Is this part of that theory that dads can't do certain things because only mums can?
I flew on my own with baby when he was 5 months old and 10 months old. Apart from trying to get the buggy folded while holding him it was fine.

edgeofheaven · 19/06/2019 04:11

Is this part of that theory that dads can't do certain things because only mums can?

No, it's about primary vs secondary caregiver.

Anuta77 · 19/06/2019 04:12

It depends on a dad! And while it's possible, some parents are just better than others. Yes, sometimes it's the father, but in my experience with fathers of my children, it's me who handles the babies better.

marcopront · 19/06/2019 04:14

Until you mentioned the breast feeding I disagreed with you.
I live an hours flight away from my ex with my 12 year old daughter. The ex is coming to visit with his 4 year old next week. We all think that the relationship between them is an important one to develop.