Unhappy with partner going away with baby over wkd without me to visit his other son

[Mamalovey]

Just want people's opinions on whether it's reasonable for me to feel unhappy about this or if I am being unreasonable and ought to lighten up.

I have a one year old son with my partner. He has a 12 year old son from a previous relationship whom he visits for a few days each month. It's a one hour flight away. They stay at my partner's parents house ie. Granny and grandads.

For the first nine months after our baby was born and whilst I was on maternity leave we have been flying over to granny and grandads every month during my partners visit to see his 12 year old son. Now that I am back at work, baby and I are going there maybe every four or so months.

My partner has talked about taking our baby over (without me) on the occasional long weekend. Being that an extra adult flight fare is much more expensive than just taking a baby.

I don't feel happy about it, for a number of reasons,

• I feel left out and unimportant. As long as baby is there is all that counts. They'll have a blast without me.

• my partners son is autistic and spends a lot of time in front of the screen playing video games. When we are at granny and grandads my partner ultimately ends up being in the living room hanging out next to his 12year old playing video games with him or just sitting there. I am so scared that our baby will be influenced by all the screen vibe.

• I don't feel happy that my partner has to jump on a plane every month already but he must visit his son, therefore it isn't a choice for him. I don't want my baby having to jump on a plane as well if he doesn't need to. If I'm not flying, then baby doesn't need to fly.

Grandparents and 12year old son would be delighted to have baby over, but is it my duty to keep them happy even if I'm not? It's not that we don't visit at all, it's just not at the frequency that would be ideal for them. My parents are a 24hour flight away and they'll be lucky if we manage to see them once a year.

My partner isn't pushy about it and does see that I don't like it, but the grandparents are always hinting at it. I just don't feel comfortable and happy about it but don't know how to justify it to them.

Yabu your partner must go see his son and taking his sibling is important, if you cannot make every visit fair enough but the trips need to be prioritised over other activities. You knew about the son but sound like you resent him

Magda72 thank you for speaking sense.

How is it optimal for the 12 year old to have to share his dad's attention - which he only gets for one weekend a month - with a 1 year old who is by definition quite needy?

And as you point out if cost is the issue, does the DH intend to do this for a year and then stop because 2 year olds require a seat and therefore a ticket for a flight?

And then people complain that dads have days off and mums don't...
He's willing to take the one year old on his own. It's great.
The child will have been eating solids for at least 6 months.

Just make sure visits to your family are enough for you as well.

Pumping whilst at work is not the same as pumping day and night all weekend Myother profile.

Baby is not going to be negatively effected by going on a plane.

The children should be accommodated to build a sibling relationship.

Surely you trust your partner as capable and responsible father? So you should be able to trust him to care for both his children otherwise you need to look at why on earth you with an incapable man child.

@Lweji

I travelled for work when my DCs were still BF babies. I had to pump like mad to leave enough milk for them and they missed the comfort of direct feeding. Just because they were 1 doesn't mean it didn't matter to them. DC2 was very sensitive to teething and from 12-18 months had several periods of refusing solids and only wanting milk due to sore gums, in addition to being very cranky and clingy. Sorry but I don't accept that over 6 months you can just ship your baby off and they'll be OK because they've been weaned.

There is no explanation as to how taking the baby on multiple flights without his primary caregiver - who in this family is mum - benefits the BABY. It's cheaper for DH. No indication as to whether 12 year old brother cares or not. GPs may enjoy but don't seem to be prepared to do hands on childcare.

I'm all for having days off from my DCs but when they are young there's a limit to that.

Pumping whilst at work is not the same as pumping day and night all weekend Myother profile.

I got horrible blocked ducts pumping for my 1 year old DC when I had to travel for work. It's very hard to extract as much milk with a pump compared to the baby.

@edgeofheaven

Those issues were specific to your babies.

Most babies don't have them.
And for a weekend there's no actual need to express or get breast milk.

Most babies don't teethe? OK.

You don't know OP's baby either so your assumptions are just as unreasonable. My babies didn't have medical conditions, they were within the range of normal.

Clearly you're much more relaxed about spending time away from young babies than OP is. Cool for you. She's not out of order having a different opinion and has nothing to do with whether or not mums deserve to have a day off now and then.

Enjoy the break

And for a weekend there's no actual need to express

Have you breastfed a one year old @Lweji? Because you absolutely have to express if you are without your child for a weekend. I ended up with horrific mastitis when dd was 18 months because I was complacent about expressing.

I think you are being selfish. Unless there is something else going on, all your points are just excuses.

You are not allowing your stepson and your son to have a relationship beyond you.

You are not allowing your partner to build a relationship with both his sons, without you.

You are the biggest influence in your child's life, don't want them of screens? Don't allow it. It isn't mandatory.
You are not allowing your son to have relationship with his grandparents.

What does his son's autism have to do with this? there was no real need to mention it, being on screens is not something that is unique those on the spectrum.

It sounds like you don't want your son to his paternal grandparents because he won't get to see his maternal grandparents.

Ignore everyone here who has tried to bully you into it OP. They are being ridiculous. YANBU at all.

I’m sorry but I don’t think any of your reasons are reason enough iyswim? It’s important that your partner is there for his 12 year old son and so if he wants to take the baby every few months this I think that’s lovely and important that they all see each other, siblings, grandparents etc.
Can’t you just look forward to a lovely weekend on your own? Meet up with friends, have lots of sleep, go to the cinema? I’d have paid good money for that when mine were small 😂

So if something happens to the baby due to the dp taking his eye of the ball, during the trip, which he sounds prone to doing, then all those saying op is selfish will accept liability, right?

And if something happens to the baby while on the OP s watch do we declare she was unfit to look after her child too? Or are mums automatically more capable?

You would hope that the husband, knowing he has sole responsibility and no one there to check up on him, would realise this is different and he has to keep a close eye on him. If I really thought my husband couldn’t do that I wouldn’t let the child go, no, but I’d also be questioning why a grown man with 2 children can’t look after his own young child.

Thank you everyone who understood where I was coming from. Also to those who were quick to label me selfish and childish - I get you too.

My partner is a well good dad, but our baby is a tough one to care for by one adult. I don't enjoy spending a long weekend with baby without his father. It's intense. Therefore father spending a long weekend with his older son, whom he only sees once a month, and caring for our 1 year old, will be tricky. Especially during the night. Dad will usually stay up until 11pm-12am with his son playing video games or watching movie. Baby wakes up multiple times in the night and is sometimes hard to settle. Baby then wakes for good at 5-6am.

I tried to wean baby off boob when baby was 7 months old. It was the worst decision I ever made, following pressure from everyone around me to do so. Baby did not sleep anymore on formula, in fact he woke up even more. The only thing that settles him when all else fails is boob. It has been tough initially losing my supply and getting it back up again. I used to be able to pump, but not anymore, my supply isnt adequate no more.

Dad is amazing, but he will be super busy looking after two needy children. Not to mention he also works from home and when he is busy looking after his 12 year old, he also has to fit time in for working on his laptop. Granny insisted on taking over night duty once when we were trying to wean him onto bottle as she thought she could work some magic on baby, and she will never do it again! Baby literally woke every hour and cried hysterically every time he did. Granny was a mess by 5am.

We will re-evaluate the situation once baby is sleeping more consistently. For now, I am not letting him go several days without me just so I can get some time off for myself.

It's not a competition as to whether my partner or I can visit our parents the most. All I am saying is that right now we aim to visit his parents every four months. And each of these four visits are a 7-10 days long, not just a long weekend.

@bordellosboheme pump. Same as women do when they work.

This is absolutely ridiculous.

You are a man right? Did you ever have to pump all weekend? And I guess you are aware that breastfeeding is not just about milk, these babies also do for comfort. I made my DP put our toddler to sleep for naps (not his initiative by the way) and it's going well. He can also settle the toddler in the evening, but at midnight, forget it. The only thing our toddler wants is me, otherwise he cries bloody murder! What fathers' rights have to do with that?

And guess what, my DP sleeps so soundly that he doesn't even wake up when the toddler cries, so imagine him being away for a weekend. How's that about fathers' rights?

Some babies are easy and sleep all night. Others are not. Decisions have to be taken case by case.

Op, I would have hated to be separated from my one year olds. I had no wish not to be with them and didn’t spend a night away from them until they were quite a bit older. It honestly didn’t bother me that I ‘had no freedom’ and ‘I was tied to them’. I had evenings out, but always went back to them for when they woke in the night.

Once they got older I have no problems with them having sleepovers and time away at grandparents/other family members/school trips etc but when they were young I wanted to be there.
So I think you should stick to your guns and either you go with your dh to see your in laws and step son or baby stays here with you.

I think if you weren’t breastfeeding it could work quite well. Babies fly for free / a nominal cost, you get some down time, your dp and his side of the family get some time with each other and the little one. I could totally see it working once every couple of months (so month 1 you all go, month 2 just dp, month 3 dp and baby, month 4 just dp, and so on). But while you’re still feeding the logistics, unfortunately, don’t quite work.

You said earlier you were part breastfeeding. Your first OP didn't even mentioned it as one of the reasons, instead stated your first reason was you feeling left out.

I think it is much more about you missing out and struggling to let go than your baby and you are coming with excuses to justify your feelings.

In the end, you can impose that your baby doesn't get to go without you, but don't make it out that it is because it wouldn't be right for your baby.

Yes, I am struggling to let go. Yes, I do not want my baby to jump on a plane and for me not to be able to see him for three days.
Yes, he is dependent on me for comfort through breastfeeding.
Yes, he wakes multiple times during the night.
And yes, his dad has enough on his hands when he is there to have to also deal with a baby on his own.
It's not that I am not allowing baby to have a relationship with older son and grandparents. But I don't see why I have to bend over backwards when video calls are unlimited and they get to see eachother a lot already.

I think it is much more about you missing out and struggling to let go than your baby and you are coming with excuses to justify your feelings.

I don't know what is it you (and many others) are getting out in judging the OP. Yes, some parents are very nonchalant (I guess you are), others are protective. My older son is 11 and believe it or not, he has friends whose parents don't like their children sleeping over in their friends' houses. It's definitely not about the child's safety, most probably it's about the mother. But it's like that.

OP, whatever you feel, you have the right to it and you don't need to justify yourself. You feel it's not too good for the baby? You have the right. When your baby grows up and starts asking to go and you feel anxious about it, then you could decide to work on your feelings for your child's sake, but at this point, the best place for the baby is his mother.

Struggling to ‘let go’ to a one year old is completely normal and you shouldn’t have to when they are so little. Don’t let people who feel ok leaving their little ones pressure you or feel bad because you don’t feel like that. Your child is so young you honestly don’t need to justify why you don’t want to be apart for three days.

I think you’ve made the right decision, OP.
Also to people saying ‘just pump’ I also like a PP ended up with horrendous mastitis three times over 14 months when I tried this for a ‘weekend off’ (worst weekend of my life). It isn’t as easy as that for everyone.