Husband's ex coming in the house?

[MichelleC69]

Don't know if I'm being a bit over-sensitive but my husband's ex always insists on coming into the house uninvited when she comes to pick the kids up. They're 12 and 18, it's not like they can't make it down the garden path on their own. It drives me nuts as the boys will faff around getting their shoes on and stuff together etc, taking ages, all the while she's stood there. I don't really want her in the house - it's not even as if she makes an effort at smalltalk or whatever, it's all really awkward.

So the other weekend when she turned up I knew they weren't ready, so I opened the door and said 'hi, they'll be out in 2 minutes' and then closed the door on her, thinking she would go and wait in the car. She didn't...she just stood there with the door closed in her face.

When I pick my daughter up from her dad's I call her to say I'll be outside in 2 mins and she just comes out - surely that's what most normal people would do??

My dps ex will walk in and wander around my house, upstairs etc. It drives me mad and my dp can't understand the issue but i feel like she's invading my space and she already had so much influence in our lives does she really need free reign of our house too?

OMG, lock the door to stop her coming in! That's just rude!

I would just leave her outside with the door closed in her face. There is no way in hell my dps ex will ever step foot in my house.

Just keep closing the door on her OP. She’llget the message.

Do you generally have a bad relationship? If anyone was picking someone up from my house I'd let them in

What does your husband think? Does he go into her home?

My DH does all pick ups and drop offs, an almighty pain as she’s the one who moved, but the plus side is she’s never even been outside our home. No way would she ever set foot inside, I’m not sure she even knows exactly where we live and she seems happy with it. DH knocks on the door when he picks them up and gets back in the car.

Yeh keep closing the door in her face. She isn’t welcome.

@stealthpolarbear to put it into context, she left him for another woman after having an affair for 12+ months. Said other woman won't speak to my husband at all, thinks all men are evil. So I don't see the need to be nice to her if her own partner can't be civil to my husband.

Why would you close the door in her face? That’s so rude.

Would it not be easier to foster good relations? She’s in your life, like it or not, so unless she’s a monster you might as well like it for sanity’s sake.

Yep - keep closing the door.
If I'm dropping off my kids I'll sometimes go to the door to help with bags/gear but would never go indoors without being invited.
When I collect I txt & wait outside & exh or his dw will bring stuff out to the car if necessary.
We're all very civil & nice to one another but we respect boundaries.

Why would she assume that she can come into my home? Very rude.

Wow. Petty, much? You sound pretty insecure. I could totally understand if she was behaving aggressively, or something. But it doesn't sound like she is. Closing the door in her face is pretty rude. Please just try to remember that's the kids' mum - it is in their interests for you all to manage to be civil and polite for a few minutes each handover.

Erm no, not insecure in the slightest thanks. I just don't see the need for her to be inside my home. My husband doesn't step foot in her home when he picks the kids up (even though he used to live there).

Clearly two schools of thought here but appreciate the replies.

why does OP sound insecure?

I assume not many people want their husbands ex wife inside their home.

I don't want dps ex in mine as much as she doesn't want me in hers!

My dps ex will walk in and wander around my house, upstairs etc.

WTF! Why do you allow that?

My DSD’s mum used to do it in the car at drop off. We would have had a two hour journey to drop her back.... We would arrive and she would literally open the door and whip my DSD out. Sometimes she would get fully in the back of the car 😡. No chance for her dad to give her kisses and hugs or say goodbye. I used to drive in the end so he could do that and I Wouldn’t unlock the car doors until we were done. She even used to try the boot to get her bags out! Used to drive me up the wall!

It’s not rude closing the door on someone telling them their kids will be out soon.

First off she shouldn’t act entitled to enter the house..

And second of, she should at least make effort to have a civil small talk with the woman looking after her kids.

Even with all that.. she shouldn’t just assume she can enter another woman’s house.. especially if she doesn’t show her respect

Her new dp thinks all men are evil? That's a healthy environment for her 3 boys.

YANBU. My DH’s exW asked if she could have a bath and get changed for a night out at our house! That was a no from us.

Sorry but its ops house too. Dp exw isn't allowed in our house, dp thinks I'm being mean but she left me after having done her a favour and driven to get dsc shoes, and 36 weeks pregnant with serious hip issues stood outside on her doorstep for 15 min.
Never again is she allowed in my house after that. Swings both ways!

I don't think I'd leave someone stood on the doorstep, nor would I let my children witness me being so rude to someone who's a big part of their life.

Equally, I don't think I'd be getting into a relationship with someone where this much tension still exists with the ex - clearly people haven't moved on as well as they think they have.

clearly people haven't moved on as well as they think they have

its not about moving on sometimes. You do not have to like your ex, or your dps ex, be civil by all means but you do not have to allow someone in your house when you do not want them there.

with DP and his ex, there are absolutely 0 feelings there (from him), even the hate has gone away over the years. He really couldn't care less about her existence, he was well and truly moved on. He would still not let her in our house.

@SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad in no way does op sound insecure. I'm the dm in this situation & if I am at their sm's door as per my previous post I will at least make small talk with her & chat to her two little toddlers, & I would never dream of going over the threshold unless invited it. If I can manage to do that at the door of what used to be my house when I can see the furniture I bought still being used then anyone can!!!
Wandering into someone's home uninvited is plain rude!

This depends on so many variables. She's turned up to pick DC up, they aren't ready.
If she's not abusive and things are amicable why wouldn't you let her wait in your hallway? Say "just wait there and I'll hurry them up" then literally go upstairs and hurry them up as she's waiting.

I wouldn't leave DC's friends' mums on the doorstep, nor their friends, and shut door in their faces if my DC weren't ready at pre arranged time. Even if it was awkward.

Having said that my XH has to wait in his car by court order as he's abusive and not allowed in court order to set foot at all on property- but I won't have my DC faff about, even though he's often hours late.

Maybe suggest she texts DC when she is 5 mins away so they can be by the door, but you have a 12 to and 18 yo DC problem, not an exDP of your DP problem.

So the weekend I closed the door on her happened to be when my mum was arriving for dinner at the same time. She has been doing this for the past year since my partner and the kids moved in and I just thought enough is enough. Why should I have her hanging around when I want to chat with my mum? So I thought I would put a stop to it. My husband agrees with me but he's just too nice to actually do anything about it.

The fact that she makes zero effort to talk to me is a big factor in this - I have tried with her in the past, believe me. She has turned up to get the kids when I was having a family BBQ and I offered her a drink/nibbles etc and she still made no effort. I believe in giving people a chance but she's had hers.