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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

What to do about extra costs due to DP's children ?

85 replies

TheStuffedPenguin · 28/05/2019 23:50

We have DP's children here every other weekend . I have no dependent children. Obviously food bills are higher when they are here and then there are visits to restaurants etc .. I support myself BTW.

What do you do in a situation like this ?
Should DP contribute more to the household account? If so can you suggest a %?

I don't see why I should support his children 50% . Am I being mean ?

OP posts:

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lifebegins50 · 28/05/2019 23:56

How much more is his income, after CMS?

I think there are 2 schools of thought, if you are married it is joint expenses based on fair % according to income. If not married then he pays according to costs. Could you work out a budget and estimate what dcs cost as a starting point? If it is 2 DC and a meal once a month maybe no need but if its 4 DC and meals, clothes, activities then you need him to be footing most of the costs.
I would work on a budget and maybe separate account for non bill's??

Chocmallows · 28/05/2019 23:59

Did you know he had DC and discussed this beforehand?

If you are going to be a family (step-mum) you would normally have an agreement for shared activities, a shared pot. Having said that, if he's the main earner or you agree you need to pay less for group activities that's between you.

You aren't being mean in looking at the finances to see if this is fair.

WhiteCat1704 · 29/05/2019 09:11

We share everything..it includes large sums for SD when she goes to uni.
It's not fair but life rarely is. Her mother pays no maintenance-she should but there is on going battle and CMS are very very slow.

SD lives with us full time.

In your situation I wouldn't really make a big deal about more food EOW but I would expect him to cover all the eating out..

churchthecat · 29/05/2019 09:13

I presume he pays for the trips out on the weekends?

AuntieStella · 29/05/2019 09:20

Yes, you are being mean.

But if you want to go about it that way (for it is your choice how you spend your money, and also no one can make you embrace those DC as part of the package with their father), then could you let us know whather he moved on to your place, you moved in to a new place together, or you moved into his. Because the cost of a property that is larger than you would need other than to house his DC, is likely to dwarf a small fortnightly increase on food bills, so I suggest you start with that.

HotChocolateLover · 29/05/2019 09:26

Surely they can’t cost that much!! You aren’t supporting them 50% though are you? Sounds to me like on 4 days of the month you want your bills to go down by 25%.

I have done a rough calculation which someone might correct me on based on your share of the bills being £300 a month.

£300pcm = £10 a day
Based on 2 children for 4 full days (sat and sun) You should only pay 25% as there are now 4 of you = £2.50 per day (£10 a month)

Total you should pay= £290 a month

The trouble is, you still pay rent/mortgage/council tax/Tv licence/car tax et. Whether they are there or not so extra cost will be minimal. Perhaps he should pay for their activities but that depends whether you have a joint account.

user1493413286 · 29/05/2019 09:28

I share the costs of DSDs food and our outings when she’s with us but she’s only one child and doesn’t cost much extra plus I get to enjoy her company and I can afford it.
How many children does your partner have? And how much is it costing each weekend? Also is it leaving you short?

ILoveMaxiBondi · 29/05/2019 09:28

Did you you post about this same thing a couple of weeks ago?

Rocketgirl1 · 29/05/2019 09:29

Do you have a joint account and he pays for meals etc out of that?

AuntieStella · 29/05/2019 09:33

The rent/mortgage could be sharply less, as they would not need as many bedrooms. Yes, they have to be paid for in their 'empty' times too, and that is why I'd start with the biggests bills - to get the most savings.

Though of course if she chose to move to his place, it becomes very much more grasping to ask for a reductin ;0(shouid have been sorted before moving in). But this is an opportunity for OP to get things straight across the board. Unhappiness with joint finances isn't exactlyma recipe for happiness, is it?

Disfordarkchocolate · 29/05/2019 09:37

My husband always treated my children with my X as his own financially, it made me feel loved and secure. It never occurred to him to do any differently as we are family.

RubberTreePlant · 29/05/2019 09:41

Yes you're being mean. And petty. It's such an unattractive trait.

Maybe do some sums to show yourself quite how petty this is?

Cocodash · 29/05/2019 09:44

Step mum here and we have DSD every friday and then every other full weekend friday - sunday. I would never DREAM of asking for more money towards feeding her and im quite shocked this is an issue.

Surely food bills cant be that much higher to feed them for potenitally only 4 days a month.

as for visits to restaurants, takeaways etc, if you grudge contributing then answer is simple, just dont go / contribute.

Settlersofcatan · 29/05/2019 10:33

I would expect him to pay CM separately to your joint finances and maybe trips out which are child focussed (e.g. you all go to Legoland) but I would feel petty asking for him to pay more for the supermarket shop

InfiniteSheldon · 29/05/2019 10:49

I really struggled with this. I was a single mum with a mortgage one child at uni 1 doing A levels when my now dh moved in and we had to have some very frank discussions. You are not being mean he should be paying for his dc. My household bills doubled and adding a man and two teenage sons 3/4 times a week left me unable to pay my mortgage. My dh was so intent on paying generous maintenance and treating his boys he couldn't see I was actually funding it. We nearly broke up over it and spent three years clearing the subsequent credit card debt (his not mine).

MichelleC69 · 29/05/2019 11:19

I don't think you're being mean at all. I don't expect my husband to pay for anything for my daughter, whether that be meals out/groceries or whatever. He has 2 kids and I have one. They are all with us half the week. Our food bills are split 60/40 accordingly.

Spanglyprincess1 · 29/05/2019 11:30

Hey op I get where your coming from. Do has 3 kids and we have one jointly together.
Basically normal bills including food we share evenally and all bills, despite kids obviously driving up costs when here 40% of time. I don't mind this.
Activities, days out, classes etc for his 3 children are entirely 100% his responsibility.
Our joint child I would like to think he pays 50:50 for but in reality he doesn't, I pay most costs for his swimming lessons etc. It's annoying but is what it is

Ellie9576 · 29/05/2019 11:56

I would be gutted absolutely gutted if I found out that my stepparents begrudged having me there. And that's how it will appear if you don't want to contribute to them staying with you.
Yes, you're partner should be paying the lions share, trips out etc, but nitpicking at bills and normal grocery shopping seems mean to me. These children come as a package with their dad and, like it or not, if you want to be with him, they have to become part of your family.

MichelleC69 · 29/05/2019 12:00

I would be gutted absolutely gutted if I found out that my stepparents begrudged having me there. And that's how it will appear if you don't want to contribute to them staying with you.

That's not what it's about at all. It's about the parent taking financial responsibility for their children. My ex husband suggested that he should no longer pay maintenance for DD when I remarried. The parent should always bear the cost of their kids.

SandyY2K · 29/05/2019 13:12

Normal grocery costs should be absorbed into the family food costs, otherwise it seems pretty, but with meals out he should put enough money to cover his DC.

Those are my thoughts.

Original poster

TheStuffedPenguin · 29/05/2019 14:06

Did you you post about this same thing a couple of weeks ago?

No I didn't - I guess it is just a common scenario .

OP posts:

Original poster

TheStuffedPenguin · 29/05/2019 14:23

Not married and not trying to be petty . These are not little children - one is at Uni ( no job ) , the other an older teen . Just started a joint account for household expenses so thinking it all through in advance . Yes , of course we are going to have a chat about this . He does not pay anything towards my keep and I do not need him to . No mortage. I'm not unhappy - am just thinking this out as to a way forward which is fair to all and thought I would get a grasp of what others do .

Hotchoc thanks for that - it has helped clarify for me .

Thanks everyone for your input . This is new to me and I have funded myself for the last 5 years . I am better off than he is and if I were to post the whole scenario I am sure some would be screaming "cocklodger " but hey you can't win on here As regards a big holiday which is upcoming I would expect him to pay for his kids . I think some of this is also fuelled by how ungrateful the eldest appears but then that's another post !

OP posts:

Xmas2020 · 29/05/2019 14:24

If you want to stay in a relationship with him i think you may need to rethink your attitude towards paying for ' his' kids.

MichelleC69 · 29/05/2019 14:28

Don't even get me started on ungrateful stepkids....bane of my life.

Spanglyprincess1 · 29/05/2019 14:29

Xmas2020. Why they have two able parents who are responsible for them? The op isn't required to fund them n nor should she be.

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