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Original poster

What to do about extra costs due to DP's children ?

85 replies

TheStuffedPenguin · 28/05/2019 23:50

We have DP's children here every other weekend . I have no dependent children. Obviously food bills are higher when they are here and then there are visits to restaurants etc .. I support myself BTW.

What do you do in a situation like this ?
Should DP contribute more to the household account? If so can you suggest a %?

I don't see why I should support his children 50% . Am I being mean ?

OP posts:
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WoahMySocksAreOnFire · 30/05/2019 10:25

As I said in my original quote “when they have no children of their own” which covers adoption, if they have adopted then they have children.
Your comments are totally irrelevant and you’re making yourself look silly now.

Original poster
TheStuffedPenguin · 30/05/2019 12:01

i'd agree with this if they were 2 small kids, but 2 almost adults probably cost quite a bit to feed no

Yes it's cider etc when we are out having meals , not just food .

OP posts:
Original poster
TheStuffedPenguin · 30/05/2019 12:03

Why is it that when a mum moves in with a man there is an immediate expectation that he takes her and her kids on and he contributes to the whole family

Is there ? Would this not be the opposite of a cocklodger ?

OP posts:
Teddybear45 · 30/05/2019 12:05

In this situation as you have seperate finances and aren’t married your partner should pay entirely for his kids.

AliceRR · 30/05/2019 12:09

OP, I have two SC. We have had them 40/52 weekend and EOW depending on what DH and the kids’ mother agreed. My DH and I have always had separate accounts and just share all household costs 50:50 which includes mortgage, bills, and also food, in theory. So DH has always paid CSM out of his pot of money but he doesn’t pay extra for bills and food. If anything, I pay a bit more food and activities for us all as I earn more (hence I say “in theory”). You are not mean to think this and it depends how you deal with the finances generally. If you share anything then that should be the same IMO with regards to his children. If you split “expenses” then his children are technically his financial responsibility.

swingofthings · 30/05/2019 17:00

FIs there ? Would this not be the opposite of a cocklodger?*
A number of single mums rely on benefits so when they move with a new partner, they lose most of their benefits and the new partner has to make up that loss.

Original poster
TheStuffedPenguin · 30/05/2019 23:08

Thanks everyone for contributing . So many different scenarios but still useful to hear of all the various ways of dealing with it .

OP posts:
Ragwort · 30/05/2019 23:15

You are quibbling over the cost of a few glasses of cider when you eat out as a family? Hmm. You sound exactly like the previous poster who had (two) similar threads going about the cost of teenage step children, you may be a new poster, but the story sounds remarkably similar.

If you are that petty about sharing expenses, surely it is best to live separately & only meet your boyfriend when the children are not around.

AliceRR · 30/05/2019 23:21

You are quibbling over the cost of a few glasses of cider when you eat out as a family?

My understanding it’s not just the cider it’s paying for full meal and drinks for four people rather than two which doubles the overall cost

Original poster
TheStuffedPenguin · 30/05/2019 23:58

you may be a new poster, but the story sounds remarkably similar.

I am not a new poster . I didn't have a previous thread about this . It's not a few glasses of cider - its meals out , breakfasts, lunches , snacks, dinners, drinks, holidays, driving them all over the place etc .

OP posts:
lifeinthedeep · 31/05/2019 00:05

@Xmas2020

But they are ‘his’ kids- and not op’s. Why should she pay for his kids, especially as one is an adult?

Mrskeats · 31/05/2019 00:58

Don’t get involved with a man with kids if this is all an issue. Simple.

Original poster
TheStuffedPenguin · 31/05/2019 07:19

mrskeats that's a very unrealistic and childlike attitude. As adults we have to work our way through all kinds of things in life .

OP posts:
Ragwort · 31/05/2019 07:31

As an adult I suggest that if you are in a relationship with a man with children then you accept that you will share ‘household’ expenses such as meals out etc. I can understand you not wanting to contribute to the uni maintenance etc but I think your attitude sounds mean spirited and petty, and in your own words ‘unrealistic and childlike’ if you are calculating the cost of breakfasts, snacks, driving teenagers etc. Hmm.

Search the step parenting threads and you will find two incredibly similar recent threads.

AliceRR · 31/05/2019 08:54

Don’t get involved with a man with kids if this is all an issue. Simple.

This is a silly reply. OP is involved with a man with children and has a right to consider how they will split the finances.

As an adult I suggest that if you are in a relationship with a man with children then you accept that you will share ‘household’ expenses such as meals out etc

There are many different ways that couples choose to split the finances. Some share everything, some keep lots separate, and I’ve heard of various arrangements in between. That’s the same with you have children or not.

OP ignore the “you knew be had kids” type replies. You know that’s not the point.

hsegfiugseskufh · 31/05/2019 09:28

As an adult I suggest that if you are in a relationship with a man with children then you accept that you will share ‘household’ expenses such as meals out etc

many people do not consider eating out as a "household" expense.

IMO you cant expect anyone to subsidise your adult children except their other parent. To do so is rude and presumptuous. If you don't want to pay for your own kids don't have them.

Spanglyprincess1 · 31/05/2019 09:42

If it helps op. Sit down and really talk through costs, I was firm when I started seeing dp that I was happy to split bills but that was it. His kids, his and exw problem. Our joint child is our problem equally, not my parents or sister who like to help out, but ours.
Other adults loving your child and being nice to them occasionally is brilliant but they have no responsibility to them financially.

DogHasEatenTheSqueaker · 31/05/2019 12:13

My DSD lives with us full time - my DH and I split everything 50/50. Big expenses, school residentials etc, are treated as a household cost and budgeted accordingly.

When she was only here weekends, we split our household bills 50/50, but he would pay for the majority of treats when she was here. I paid for some, but it wasn’t expected of me. Birthdays and Christmas I tend to do the majority of the buying of presents, and he pays for the big food shop/any entertaining costs.

We both have separate bank accounts, and one joint for household, but ultimately if an unexpected bill comes up and the other is having a tight month, it’s not a biggie for the other to pay - it all comes round eventually 🤷🏻‍♀️

MichelleC69 · 31/05/2019 15:37

I'm astounded at some of the 'suck it up' type comments on this thread. These people clearly don't have step-children and have no idea just how much older kids can cost (my boss calls them 'cost centres'). Agree that splitting every tiny thing exactly is a bit petty, but no one should be expected to bear the costs of other people's kids. That's what their biological parents are for.

Mrskeats · 31/05/2019 19:26

Yes I know. I’m a parent and a stepparent and I find all this quibbling ridiculous.

Banhaha · 31/05/2019 20:08

We have seperate accounts for our earnings. He buys his children's food when they are here (and my food). I buy the food for the two of us the weekends when they aren't here and the rest of the time is 50/50. Bills are split 50/50 but we've already agreed if they increase their contact time then OH will contribute more. OH has higher income than me and does treat me every so often to something nice like a takeaway so I feel it evens out.

He has a savings account ready for uni fees. I have my own for whatever I want to spend it on!

It is very tricky to navigate the financials.

Banhaha · 31/05/2019 20:10

For me as a (currently) childless person it was important to be able to spend my money on whatever I like without judgement that I was taking it from the stepchildren. As it is sometimes I choose to pay for something for them but it's always my choice.

Ragwort · 31/05/2019 22:23

I have a teenager and I appreciate how expensive they can be, I am also a step daughter and am eternally grateful that my step father never quibbled over paying for me as I was growing up. I do think the OP is being incredibly petty.

And whilst it may be ‘too late’ for her not to get involved with a man with children maybe other women reading this thread will think about whether they want to be in a relationship with someone with children.

Banhaha · 01/06/2019 11:20

My stepchildren haven't batted an eyelid about me not paying for them to have trips and meals out. We don't discuss it when we are out and about OH just pays for the whole thing and I pay him back for my bit later or I pay for mine and he pays for the rest.

Once you have an agreed system in place there is no need for quibbling or pettiness.

It's up to their two parents to finance their children - They shouldn't need or rely on a 3rd income to help out. I say this with the caveat that if something went wrong and OH couldn't for some reason afford it then I'd cover the basics for them.

Original poster
TheStuffedPenguin · 01/06/2019 14:54

Turning it around it seems there are women on here who would expect their children to be paid for by their ex's new partner. I would never have expected that .

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