AIBU what is wrong with some biological mums

[MammEEE]

I have a 10yr old DSD. My DSD said to my DH that she called me her step mummy in front of her mum and her mum went ballistic at her for calling me that. I've been with my DH (her dad) for 6 yrs, married for 2. Always been nice to DSD, treating her as my own (within reason obviously). We never encourage her to call me mum at all, she calls me by my name which I think is right. So I was quite touched to find out she referred to me as such but sad she was told off for it. She also said her mum went mad at her because she found out I blow dried her hair and that I should not be doing her hair..I mean, what is wrong with some biological mums?! Is it jealousy? I just don't understand it.

@Havenly - what you say about it being grief & a reminder that your relationship didn't work out etc. is very true for a lot of cases. But @MrsMozartMkII makes an excellent point when she says that as a child she felt she had to distance herself from her sm & that she found it hard to balance it all out.
Women letting their own anger & grief override what confused children are feeling is just wrong & unfair. They are the ADULTS and as such need to deal with their feelings & put the kids first.
My kids sm was also the ow & believe me there's many a time I wanted to wipe her off the face of the earth; she stole my husband (except she didn't, HE was the married one) & now she was moving in on my kids (except she wasn't, she was trying to be nice to them as she loves their dad). If I had wanted to I could have destroyed my ex's relationship with our kids but I'm not that kind of person & so I did what @Anuta77 says & I took myself off to therapy & poured all my grief & rage into one hour a week in that room & then focused on making the post split transitions as easy as I could for my kids.
My kids now have a great relationship with their sm, feel no disloyalty when with her & their dad & they are all the better for it.
As a result my tolerance for bitter ex wives is very low. My dp is a really good exh; he pays huge maintenance, has undertaken to solely pay any uni fees, never misses access time, takes the kids on all their holidays, does all parents evenings & school related stuff, alone (as she refuses to go) & yet his ex's sole mission in life at the moment seems to revolve around weekly rants about me, my kids, money & how he's destroyed her life (they spilt mutually & this behaviour ramped up when he met me). She has told awful lies about me & my kids to their kids; won't let them bring anything I give them (gifts etc.) into her home, yells abuse if I'm in the car when they're being collected & plenty more stuff. As result I have very little relationship with them as they can't relax in my company & I remove myself from lots of stuff as it makes both my life & their lives easier as if they don't see me, they don't run the risk of mentioning me & setting her off as per the op on this thread. This causes dp a huge amount of sadness because it could all have been avoided if she'd just dealt with her own crap instead of dumping it al on the kids & dp. Dp loves his kids but as I said upthread he's not enjoying them as every weekend there's a drama. Sometimes it's nothing more than teens clashing with their dm, or something that happened in their house but she still feels the need to call/txt/yell at dp about it. It's absolutely disgraceful behaviour & she both disgraces herself & mortifies the kids.

MrsMozartMll it's really useful hearing your perspective as having been the child with a step parent. At the beginning I always thought oh well when DSD gets older she'll realise that her mum is often unreasonable and makes the whole situation worse than it ever needed to be. But then I also think it's just going to make her confused! I mean, I'm confused about it so never mind a kid..hopefully she'll have the same awareness of things as you did.

I would understand if I was 'the other woman' but she left him for another man and I met my DH a couple of years after that.

It's hate/anger directed at both myself and my DH which is directed at us through DSD. She has now told DSD that my DH doesn't pay her anything and she pays for everything DSD needs herself! My DH pays her a good amount of maintenance every week and has been ever since they split up! luckily he's got proof in bank statements. But why tell your child this?! It's just bizarre

I feel I must redress the balance a little as I missed out the very important bit - my mum never bad mouthed my dad or my step-mum in front of us. I was a nosey and intuitive kid and I worked it out for myself soon enough. My dad left my mum for my step-mum and it hurt my mum badly, even though she would've been one of the first to admit that she had a better life with my step-dad.

yells abuse if I'm in the car

Why do you insist in being in the car if his ex does this? That’s just antagonising the situation tbh. You don’t NEED to be in the car, you CHOOSE to do that.

Personally, I’d rather not be present if an ex was upsetting the children. 🙄

Actually @Arabuella I do need to be in the car sometimes. Many times I don't & on those occasions I stay away. I'm not the one antagonizing the situation - she is - because she cannot keep a civil tongue in her head. No rational person expects their ex to park their partner somewhere just so they don't have to look at them.
Grow up.

Arabuela just because ex is a bully doesn't mean you have to accommodate her in every way she wishes-e.g. By not being in the car. If it's easily done for the sake of kids then ok but I'm guessing it's probably not practical to tip toe around her all the time.

I am almost always with my DH when he picks DSD up as they live quite a drive away and when we pick her up we go on a day out or do whatever we had planned straight away. Luckily though at least my DHs ex doesn't shout abuse. Although if it was her way I'm sure I wouldn't be in the car or anywhere near her DD at any time. To be honest if it was her way I think my DH also wouldn't be anywhere near their DD!

What do Mums want to happen? For their DC to be ignored by their Ex's partner/wife?
Much better that the child is treated the same as other children in the house and cared for by both adults.