AIBU what is wrong with some biological mums

[MammEEE]

I have a 10yr old DSD. My DSD said to my DH that she called me her step mummy in front of her mum and her mum went ballistic at her for calling me that. I've been with my DH (her dad) for 6 yrs, married for 2. Always been nice to DSD, treating her as my own (within reason obviously). We never encourage her to call me mum at all, she calls me by my name which I think is right. So I was quite touched to find out she referred to me as such but sad she was told off for it. She also said her mum went mad at her because she found out I blow dried her hair and that I should not be doing her hair..I mean, what is wrong with some biological mums?! Is it jealousy? I just don't understand it.

The funny thing I noticed though is that the OP refers to herself as a SM, but to her daughter's SM, as her ex's GF. So maybe it's done on purpose.

I am married to my SDSs dad that's why I'm a SM to her. Before we got married although I was involved in her life I wouldn't have called myself her SM. My ex has a long term GF but they are not married that's why I don't refer to her as my DDs SM. once they marry I'd refer to her as SM.

By the way obviously if my DD would want to refer to her as her SM, if they married. Which I know she would as we have had that discussion before as she has sort of referred to her as SM before adding "not official but still SM"

The question marks around the mothers status and minimisations are very problematic. And reeks of jealousy and bitterness from the step mum. Not the other way round.

And I am jealous of what exactly?? We're all in a rather unfortunate situation of being a blended very 'modern' family. Trying to make a bad situation into something a little bit positive-that the child now has more people to care for her. Yet I'm not allowed just in case I upset mum. Unless like PP has suggested the DSD was trying to get something out of her mum so said what she did. It's possible

I've read this entire thread and honestly OP as a step mum you can never win. As PP have said we are either tarnished with not doing enough and not caring or branded over powering, over bearing and needing to take a step back as we are not their mother.

For the record, we know we are not the mother of our step children but it doesnt mean we don't want to care for them, look after them and love them the best we can while they are with us. Surely that's better than neglecting our ignoring our step children while they are in our care?

The hair comment is ridiculous. Someone mentioned it might not be in their routine to dry her hair? Honestly?? What are you meant to do? Send her to bed with wet hair? Tell her your not drying her hair making her feel left out around your own DD? Which if you posted about you would get hung out to dry for being mean and and a horrible step mum.

From one step mum to another, you sound like your doing a great job.

I have no idea why marriage changes either title or status of " step mums ". Your relationship with your partner-s children is unchanged surely?

Cocodash thank you

Mspavlichenko marriage doesn't necessarily change the relationship with step children but IMO it makes things more permanent (in theory at least, I know divorce rates are high). You have to be careful if you started calling every GF/BF the mum or dad has as step parents! As the child could well end up with a new SP every week/month/year. I only started referring to my DH as my DDs stepdad once we married and I knew he's always going to be in my and my DDs life in one way or another.

I really wish the terminology bores would just fuck off or scroll by. Nothing they have to offer is of any interest or help.

My DP ex is a crazy psycho!!
She hates me and my tells dsd6 that I'm a witch and that she hates me ! It's so damaging for a child ! She had made
My dp life hell for 4 years ! She's defo crazy!

I know exactly how you feel OP.

My DP has 3 wonderful kids and whilst I'm not their SM (until we are married then I would see the title as SM) I still have an active role in the kids lives when they are with us.

I have provided clothes for them, I help prepare meals for them, I do the girls hair and just like you I'm put down for it.

My DP ex is very cleaver with her manipulation with the kids but you can see how stifled they feel at times. So torn between being on their Mum's side and just simply accepting me.

I always make a habit of saying positive things about the children Mum in front of them as I want the children to see that there should be no issues between us and we can all get along.

It often feels like my DP ex would rather I ignore her children than be kind to them. We have gotten in trouble for doing nice things with the kids (such as days out and holidays) as these are things the Mum wanted to do however nothing has stopped her doing it.

It genuinely feels some Mums would rather us partners ignore their children. Why not just be happy that your children have yet another person in their lives that care about their happiness?

To a certain extent it is jealously. I can understand the Mum has the kids 80% of the time and maybe they see the 20% of the time the dads have them as constant fun times and when they have them, they are more strict but it doesn't have to be that way.

Its simple. You Are her step mummy. !! If you are married to her dad / that is a fact. End of. Mother is angry. ( don't call her biological on here - too many ex wives monitoring the step parent thread. We step parents understand why, (it's to differentiate yourselves) but it just causes anger . ..

I think she's totally wrong for having a go at her daughter for it. It's ridiculous because you've been in her life for 6 years so you'd think she'd of come to terms with it all and be happy her child is loved and well looked after in her second home. Maybe your husband could speak to her

Mother is controlling end of story. I have been apart from ex for 6 years and he is remarried.

I pride myself on being a person with healthy boundaries and do not impose this utter pathetic-Ness on my daughter.

I cannot imagine in a million years being annoyed at such things. Theses poor children have a mother who has an unhealthy attachment to her child. They do not see these children as little people who need guidance, but instead as a little person they can have control over.

Do not worry OP not all mothers are this bitter and controlling. Good luck!

I can never understand this. My DSD's mum has always been fairly reasonable, but DSD feeds back things she's said in her earshot quite regularly and i just don't get it

1. I cannot understand how it could ever be considered a bad thing to have another person in your child's life to look after them, care for them and further their best interests

2. if for whatever insecure/selfish reason you do have those feelings, don't put them on your nine year old daughter!

Really grinds my gears massively

They do not see these children as little people who need guidance, but instead as a little person they can have control over.

The above is so true unfortunately. Yes not all mums are like this but I'm unlucky enough to have one of those mums to my DSD. Since I started this thread there's been more things that have happened that convinces me she's a complete nutter who only cares about herself and not of her daughters feelings.

@MammEEE - I've posted on here before about a male member of my extended family who walked away from an ex like this (when she was an ex iyswim). He always paid maintenance but only saw his kids twice a year. They split as the ex was having an affair but post split she turned totally toxic & after a few years of this he left the country & came home twice a year to see the kids. He was damned from on high by everyone for removing himself from the situation.
It is only now when I see the damage my dp's toxic ex has done to his mental health & to his kids that I understand why this family member chose to do this. For the record I don't think what he did was right, but I understand why he felt like he had no option & he has said since that he genuinely felt that by removing himself the kids would have a calmer life.
I'm a dm & an exw & I'm sorry to say that there exists a type of woman who, no matter what the reasons/circumstances of their split/divorce, just ends up bitter, miserable & incapable of moving on. Her ex & any subsequent partner just become the focus of all her rage & dissatisfaction & she will go to any lengths to make her ex's life a misery including using her kids; her anger & bitterness overrides her love for her kids.
The more I see of life the more I think there is no reasoning with these women & unfortunately their behaviour does affect the mental health of all those around them.

Before I met dp I dated some men without kids & found them quite self centered so when I met dp I thought hey - we've kids in common & he gets being a parent and all that responsibility. I have to say now that if dp & I ever spilt up I wouldn't touch a man with kids, ever again, as the ex factor for me would be a huge issue.
I'm rambling & ranting here & I've no real advice but I just wanted to say I get it.
The saddest thing about dp's situation is that his ex's behaviour has tarnished a lot of things & even though he sees his kids regularly & mainly without me, he's not really enjoying them. He generally comes back from time with them exhausted & stressed because inevitably, despite him always striving to enforce & maintain boundaries, she will have created some drama involving the kids.
It's sad, infuriating & exhausting.

I'm not an expert, but some people due to their childhood wounds need to feel loved/respected and can not deal with whatever they perceive as a rejection and, yes, they get angry and unless they go into therapy, they just get used to seeing the ex/his partner as the cause of their anger. That's why certain exes call/text too much. Others manipulate or get agressive.
My DP's 2 exes found another solution. They are very nice to him and because of that, he's very nice to them. Their kids are very attached to their mothers (even the 16 year old SS talks to his mom every day when he's with us) and don't want to visit more than EOW, so there's no "competition" to the mother. This way the mothers get the attention they need (I did notice more contact/provocative behaviour when their love life was not going well) and don't touch me. But then, it's me who feels jealous/excluded sometimes and I had to visit a therapist to deal with it.
Most men on this board seem to completely exclude/ignore the ex, so the women with these issues get angry. I suppose if these women were emotionally healthy, there would have been less separations too.

I'm not an ex wife, but biological is s loaded term. So if you call her that it says something about you. I have a mum and one ex step mum and one step mum.

Their anger and bitterness overrides the love for their kids.

I have never met a woman like that.

Their angerness and bitterness overrides the love for their kids.

Thank you for your messages. It's so hard and Magda72 if I split with my DH I would also avoid a partner with kids as much as possible because of this experience..

She causes so much stress in our lives, cancelling contact last min etc. Now she's cancelled contact for Father's Day..no reason given, just no actually this Sun is not good for her if that's not to spite my DH I don't know what is..Yet some people still bring up that's something wrong with me for calling her biological mother (which I didn't know was offensive so already apologised for!!)

There's so much more I could write about but I want this to be anonymous vent thread and it could be outing.

Anuta77 yes I think possibly she is unhappy in her own life so my DH is the only person she can put her anger out on. The trouble is she uses her DD, their contact and DDs relationship with my DH and yes I think it's a control thing with her. Unfortunately I doubt it'll ever get better..

You see, I was trying to be understanding towards her but there really is one thing after another. Now she's cancelled contact again I just want to cry from frustration.

I have had a step-mum from the age of ten.

I always called her by her first name. I learnt very early on to appear to distance myself from her as my mum was very bitter - my step-mum had been my dad's secretary. Things got messy on all sides.

I obviously wanted to be loyal to my mum, but equally I loved my dad, and my step-mum was kind to me and my sister. It was hard to emotionally balance it all out.

For years I've sent my step-mum a Mother's Day card and gift, she'll refer to me as her daughter when we're out, and I'll be distraught when we lose her.

Overall I think my mum was better off without my dad, though that's something for another thread one day, and I'm thankful that my step-mum was and is kind to us.

I share parenting with exh and his partner. On the whole she is great. She's worked hard to build a relationship with my dc's , she is patient and creative (which I'm not). We message each other several times a week and she has sought my permission for things like putting their pictures on social media, getting their hair cut etc. There have been a few times when things have got a bit close to the line eg insinuating that the dc's don't eat as well when they are with me (she's big into nutrition) and I've had to take a deep breath before responding. But I know she's genuinely trying to be a good stepparent and that's all I want for my dc's. I couldn't bear to know they were going to their dads and having to fight for his attention with someone who was hostile towards them or even just ambivalent.

It's not jealousy, it's grief. It's a painful reminder that your marriage/ relationship didn't work out. It's painful to see your child shuttling between homes. It still hurts to see someone else 'mothering' your child, even if they are lovely.

Poor kid. Only 10 and dealing with all this emotion. Her mum should not be dumping all her emotional issues on her and she should not be made to feel guilty for having a relationship with her step mum.

If my husband and I ever split up, I know I would much rather have a step mother for my dc who loved and cared for them. You hear so many horror stories about step parents hating their step children and pushing them out, and people are quick to condemn that, quite rightly.

I think it's lovely you've formed this bond. Her mum needs to have a word with herself.