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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

AIBU what is wrong with some biological mums

132 replies

MammEEE · 28/05/2019 15:55

I have a 10yr old DSD. My DSD said to my DH that she called me her step mummy in front of her mum and her mum went ballistic at her for calling me that. I've been with my DH (her dad) for 6 yrs, married for 2. Always been nice to DSD, treating her as my own (within reason obviously). We never encourage her to call me mum at all, she calls me by my name which I think is right. So I was quite touched to find out she referred to me as such but sad she was told off for it. She also said her mum went mad at her because she found out I blow dried her hair and that I should not be doing her hair..I mean, what is wrong with some biological mums?! Is it jealousy? I just don't understand it.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

funinthesun19 · 29/05/2019 10:24

Yeah, the term “BM” insinuates that I’m another mum to another woman’s kids, which I’m definitely not. Can I be offended too please?

GreekOddess · 29/05/2019 10:28

You are the child's step mother. You are more than just her fathers partner. When you made the decision to marry your partner you also agreed to take on the role of step mother.

The ex needs to grow up and start setting an example to her daughter or she may find herself very lonely when her daughter reaches an age where she can decide who she wants to spend time with.

Singlenotsingle · 29/05/2019 10:53

You're a step mother - the Important bit is MOTHER. There's no point the bio mother taking offence at what is the correct term. So dsd shortened it to "step mummy" - that's a compliment.

SandyY2K · 29/05/2019 13:23

It's not unusual she doesn't call you stepmum, but refers to you as such. That's her relationship with you. Her mother was wrong to get annoyed about something that is factually correct.

Do what you're doing and
ignore her. The only thing I would do in your shoes, is check her dad is ok with getting her hair blow dried or whatever else and don't do anything permanent to her hair...like colouring or cutting.. or even something temp like glitter. Those kind of things cause so much trouble.

It sounds like she's not great with grooming and looking after her DDs hair and you are.

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 29/05/2019 14:50

Yes, I know, I'm not completely thick

I beg to differ.

Dawn2015 · 29/05/2019 21:32

She is being totally unreasonable about the hair thing but did this conversation happen after she called you stepmum, if so I'm guessing her back may have been up and she acted irrationally.

Me personally I despise the term "stepmum" as well as being referred to as the "biological mum" I really don't understand why people need to use the term step mum. In a "normal" situation a child has a mother and a father they don't need a "step" anything. My child's father has a partner and she will never be know as that, same as my partner will never be a step dad. This is purely my opinion but my ex knows this and hopefully will respect it, maybe a conversation needs having between her parents to make sure everyone on the same page and explaining to the child that she has two loving parents who are the only mum and dad.

Original poster

MammEEE · 29/05/2019 21:39

Moggy

This is the first time I've written a post in step parenting section! So not sure why I am this unusual persistent poster?! Made me laugh though..

OP posts:

Londongirl07 · 29/05/2019 21:46

I don’t think she’s jealous of you...from my experience my partners ex was angry and told her child to not let me do her hair again when she found out I done it for school one day...i think it’s the fear of her thinking her daughter will like you more than her...you need to make it clear to her you’re not trying to be her mother but in all honesty you are her step mother whether the mum likes it or not. Again I think it comes down to fear her daughter will prefer you than her.

Original poster

MammEEE · 29/05/2019 21:47

we either get accused of being cold and uncaring or get accused of trying to be a child’s mother when the majority of us are just doing our best in a difficult situation

Completely agree with this. It's a crap situation and I'm just trying my best with this. I don't expect to be appreciated by DSDs mum but just for her to keep quiet if she's got nothing nice to say, or say it to me and not DSD

OP posts:

RomanyQueen1 · 29/05/2019 21:51

OP, I agree with you 99%, would be 100% but can't get past you saying "Biological mother". I know you didn't mean to offend, but it's offensive. You sound lovely and caring

Original poster

MammEEE · 29/05/2019 21:54

Did it actually happen though? My friend’s dsd didn’t like her, or want to refer to her as a stepmum, and so lied about her mum not liking it. It took an angry and embarrassing outburst from the partner for the truth to be revealed.

We've never once told her she's got to call me stepmum. It would be a bit weird if she did..My DD calls my DH by his name not stepdad, though she refers to him as stepdad in things like birthday cards. So DSD calls me by my name. So I think it did happen as there's no reason why she would lie about it

OP posts:

Passtherioja · 29/05/2019 23:21

I have the opposite issue-it's the step-mum who goes mad about me!

Constant comments about how she feels I set the DCs up to say things to her-but actually I've got two very bright, sassy DCs who know their own minds and can express it very clearly.

She refused to speak to them at the weekend until they sent her messages asking her to come and speak to them.

I think the Ex sets her up though...he'll be feeding her some nonsense but the DCs get the brunt of it because she snipes about me!

Snappedandfarted2019 · 30/05/2019 09:07

Could be a mother and daughter thing tbh OP I have ds from a previous relationship and I dont better an eyelid what happens when he's at his dad but I dont think i like if my dd ame with her hair done different clothes etc, I know sil has done this with dd and its annoyed him because he thinks she thinks we haven't dressed her as nice where as I think she's just treating her.

SandyY2K · 30/05/2019 21:35

can't get past you saying "Biological mother". I know you didn't mean to offend, but it's offensive.

It's offensive to you and some others on here.

Factually speaking, if you give birth to a child, you are their biological mother. Far too many mums get their knickers in a twist over this.

If you8're not the biological mother... who is?

I know it's a term used in adoption but it's quite obvious what the poster means.

I will never be offended by being called the biological mother of my DC.

Foxmuffin · 30/05/2019 21:44

Ffs the term “biological mother” causes such grief on here.

It’s just descriptive. Families have so many structures in this day and age...

PinkGinny · 31/05/2019 09:00

There might be many types & combinations of family nowadays but the qualifier of biological isn't needed - regardless of how many other adults there are around, only one of them has actually you know given birth to the child/children being discussed. That individual is the mum - it's any others around who need an additional descriptor.

hsegfiugseskufh · 31/05/2019 09:35

only one of them has actually you know given birth to the child/children being discussed. That individual is the mum

that's an awful description, having given birth to someone doesn't make you their "mum" it makes you their biological mother. Its the person who brings you up, cares for you, feeds you, puts you to bed at night that's your mum. These are not always the same person.

hsegfiugseskufh · 31/05/2019 09:35

or in some cases it makes you a surrogate.

CanILeavenowplease · 31/05/2019 09:42

I will never be offended by being called the biological mother of my DC

So you refer to yourself in casual conversation as John’s biological mum? Or introduce yourself to his teacher as John’s biological mum?

The term is offensive because of it’s use in fostering and adoption cases. It shifts biological mum away from the child somewhat, and has a connotation (rightly or wrongly) of ‘not good enough mum’. It is not hard to see why a mum who has to share the care of her children with an ex she can’t agree with and a new partner who just wants for everyone to get on might be offended by it. And perhaps more importantly, you never see a father referred to as ‘the biological father’ in a thread on step parents (I accept father’s can sometimes be referred to in very derogatory terms in other forums).

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/05/2019 10:00

I've got two very bright, sassy DCs who know their own minds and can express it very clearly.

Is sassy like “spirited” and “boisterous” code for rude and bad mannered?

Original poster

MammEEE · 31/05/2019 10:02

Never had I thought the use of one word which IMO is not derogatory and was certainly not meant that way would cause so much grief! The post is about how unreasonable I think my DSDs mum is and me venting and wondering what the hell is wrong with her for acting that way. When all I've done is be nice and caring towards her DD! I speak from a viewpoint of someone who has a DD myself and who's happy when my ex's GF treats my DD nicely. This is not (well was not) a discussion about biological mum connotations etc. Wish i could change the bloody post description but don't know how

OP posts:

Passtherioja · 31/05/2019 10:13

@AnneLovesGilbert

No-they are polite, kind and helpful...and have been brought up to take no crap off anyone. They are never rude, disobedient or disruptive.

The definition of sassy is someone or something that is lively, bold and a little feisty. An example of sassy is a quick witted, clever girl.

hsegfiugseskufh · 31/05/2019 10:24

I sometimes think "sassy" easily crosses the line into being plain rude.

IABUQueen · 31/05/2019 10:33

I don’t think blow drying her hair should be done without permission from her mum. That’s treating her hair with heat and she is young.

But yeh not worth the big fuss but maybe child made her mum feel insecure.. try not to compete on mothering her daughter.

hsegfiugseskufh · 31/05/2019 10:36

I don’t think blow drying her hair should be done without permission from her mum. That’s treating her hair with heat and she is young

why can her dad not decide? he Is her parent too - is he incapable because he is a man? I blow dry my 3yo hair ffs.

Where do you get the idea that op is at all competing?

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