AIBU what is wrong with some biological mums

[MammEEE]

I have a 10yr old DSD. My DSD said to my DH that she called me her step mummy in front of her mum and her mum went ballistic at her for calling me that. I've been with my DH (her dad) for 6 yrs, married for 2. Always been nice to DSD, treating her as my own (within reason obviously). We never encourage her to call me mum at all, she calls me by my name which I think is right. So I was quite touched to find out she referred to me as such but sad she was told off for it. She also said her mum went mad at her because she found out I blow dried her hair and that I should not be doing her hair..I mean, what is wrong with some biological mums?! Is it jealousy? I just don't understand it.

try not to compete on mothering her daughter

I'm not. God forbid if anyone with this sort of opinion (and there's quite a few of you) ever end up being a step mum to my DC. They'd be left neglected by the sounds of it. I'm glad my ex's GF is caring and I'm not an insecure mum.

I don’t think blow drying her hair should be done without permission from her mum. That’s treating her hair with heat and she is young
Firstly, she has TWO parents. Mum doesn't have greater rights than dad on basic parenting.
Secondly, should OP not allow her step daughter to use hand drier when out and about? After all its heat on the skin and it's probably best to ask Mum's permission.
Maybe get permission before they go outside on a nice day in case the child gets some extra freckles that the mum might not want.
Probably should get permission on which shampoo to use as well. What if the OP had a shampoo for volume but mum thinks using existing herbal essences isn't appropriate.

Expecting a non resident parent or step parent to run any basic task past mum gets ridiculous.

I think referring to someone as the biological mother says more about your attitude than the mother.

And if someone who was looking after my children referred to me as the biological mother I would think they were trying to alienate me and replace me.

Quite creepy actually

It doesn’t matter whether the mother knows this is how you refer to her. The attitude you have will be there on show

Lolasmiles made me laugh

oliver I don't think you could be any more wrong if you tried

Where’s the line. If OP is as sensitive to the Mother’s (not bio mother ) feelings as she would appear to want she is at risk of being neglectful.

So why call a mother a biological mother unless they have had their children adopted

Foxmuffin that's exactly what makes me frustrated. Maybe that's what she wants-if I neglected DSD she'd end up hating me, possibly want to avoid seeing me and her dad and I guess it would suit the mum perfectly

PlantPotParrott - I referred to the context of a family, blended clearly, if the person isn't around then they are not undertaking taking all those activities you described so not part of that child's family so a little irrelevant in the context of this conversation, on a step-parenting board.

Adoption and surrogacy are not step-parenting.

There are nuances in the cases of bereavement and where the biological mother isn't involved, depending on ages & the nature of the relationship. This doesn't, I don't think, apply in this case.

More broadly, we don't talk about biological grandparents. Or as a pp noted biological fathers. Just mums who get 'othered' or differentiated in this way. Why is that? Logically as the step-mum views herself as ' mum'. And that explains the visceral reaction. Similarly when step-mums get referred to as 'just my kid's dad's girlfriend/partner/wife' and feel they are due something more.

you didn't specify that, and to be honest it makes little difference because what I said is still true - giving birth to someone doesn't make you a "mum" by default.

In step parenting this is also true, in this specific scenario, the person who gave birth is "mum" but also "bio mum" because she is biologically the mother to the child.

I honestly don't think OP meant to offend, and I frankly think that getting offended by the use of the word "bio" which is a factual word is pathetic.

if you associate it with shit parenting and adoption, that's your issue, not the person who uses the word.

I have seen "bio dad" being used many times and "sperm donor" also, but seemingly that is A-ok.

I don't think Op views herself as "mum" at all, I think she just wants to do right by this child.

There are different reasons why a mother could be insecure. It could be her ex DHs way of speaking of her to her kids. His partner being undermining to her. Or simply her child being confused... or many others.

I was a step daughter and my mother was a very secure one ... but my step mum WAS competing with my mother to push her out of the picture and mother never chose to see it.. until my siblings grew up brainwashed and only very later in life realised what was going on and rekindled with mother. Both dad and his wife were obsessive about undermining our relationshop with our mother.

It’s no credit to you if you aren’t insecure. It’s a credit to your circumstances or ignorance bliss.

I did get an uneasy sense about the way you speak of the mother.

I wouldn’t want my mil blow drying my daughters hair if I don’t already do that daily at home. It’s not part of her routine and if the father should have a say on this then Let him do it himself. If the females are handling her hair then let the primary female in her life take the lead.

To Ben honest this hair thing is a minor thing but it does seem there is more to it. The mother shouldn’t be feeling insecure and she deserves compassion..

It’s not part of her routine and if the father should have a say on this then Let him do it himself. If the females are handling her hair then let the primary female in her life take the lead

jesus christ. She is blow drying her hair, not cutting it or dying it or shaving it off. Why do you take such an issue with someones step mother caring about them? Her mother doesn't and shouldn't have a say in whether her daughter gets her hair blow dried in her fathers time.

how can the primary female take the lead when she is not there?

you seem to be massively projecting here, its bizarre.

I'm pretty sure the OP didn't mean to offend either. It does however imo provide an insight into how she views, even subconsciously, her step-children's mother.

Or perhaps not, but hopefully now being aware of how much it is disliked by some she might choose not to use it again. Certainly not on MN. Although I'd be surprised if anyone actually uses it in real life tbh, in this step-parenting context. For clarity.

Apologies for referring to you in 3rd person OP - I'm responding to PPP as I hope is clear.

I think it depends on the circumstances. My ex’s new woman tries to persuade my ds to drink coke, which he loathes, & sends him home loaded with sweets that ds throws in the bin as soon as he gets home.
She tells him homework is stupid and not to do it. She tried to make him go to church and when ds said no thanks, she told him he would go to hell.
Unsurprisingly, I think she is ignorant & interfering, and adds nothing to my ds’s life. Her values & mine differ to say the least.

But I am grateful that ds spends some weekends with his father, whom he loves, and I get a break. Beyond that, I don’t think about it. Ds (10) is old enough now to form his own opinions and will always have my backing.

The funny thing I noticed though is that the OP refers to herself as a SM, but to her daughter's SM, as her ex's GF. So maybe it's done on purpose.

You don't know why the mother got upset. Children sometimes manipulate. When my son wants something, he likes telling me how his friends' mothers do XYZ contrarily to me, so a child with a SM could do the same thing to the mum to try to get something out of her. And maybe the mother's reaction was not interpreted correctly by the child.

It does however imo provide an insight into how she views, even subconsciously, her step-children's mother

ah quite the armchair psychologist aren't you? I personally think that's a load of shit and you're reading into something that is not there.

She probably wont use it again on MN because she doesn't want to be attacked by people who cannot get over entirely normal use of a factual word.

Its a really weird thing to get upset about imo.

you didn't specify that, and to be honest it makes little difference because what I said is still true - giving birth to someone doesn't make you a "mum" by default.

I think being someone that gave birth to a child and presumably raised her, put career on hold for her, and is still most likely the primary career... with all the difficulties single parenting brings does make her a “mum”. And warrants her to be cut some slack.

The question marks around the mothers status and minimisations are very problematic. And reeks of jealousy and bitterness from the step mum. Not the other way round.

IABUqueen you have entirely missed my point!

my point was that just giving birth to someone doesn't make you "mum" it is all the other stuff that makes you mum, which you have so kindly explained even though that was my original point.

Why does she deserve to be cut some slack? there is no need to take your frustration with your ex and his partner, out on your child, ever.

you seem to have misunderstood entirely..... have another read.

giving birth to someone doesn't make you a "mum" by default

But the child’s mother is her primary carer and has earned the term mum or mother. It is the op who is doing the undermining

Selective quoting there PPP - you missed the next bit where I said 'or perhaps not'...

It is not a perfectly normal way to describe an engaged and involved mum in their child lives, not matter how much you froth. Some people find it offensive, regardless of their view on their ex-partner's current partner. And equally regardless of how little intent there was to offend.

And please stop misconstruing my statement around 'giving birth makes you a mum'; it was made in the context of a thread on step-parenting and a blended family and then clarified.

oliver I think you need to re-read what I am saying too.

I wasn't, and haven't, ever said that this particular mum is not a "mum"

all I have said is that in general, giving birth to someone, does not automatically make you mum.

ginny no, I didn't miss it thanks. It is a normal way to describe someone, because its factual. If you're biologically someones mother, you're biologically their mother, its as simple as that. Yes, you're also mum but honestly why does it bother people so much to be called exactly what they are? its just a descriptive word ffs.

I am not misconstruing it, You said that giving birth makes you a mum, it doesn't, not by default. I know you clarified, and that's fine, and I get what you were trying to say, but now other posters are chiming in who obviously have not read or paid any attention to what I said, so I am replying to them.

PPP there are many descriptions that are factually correct that are viewed as offensive by some. Why are you not prepared to accept that is the case here, you may not agree fine. But stop trying to justify.

And at the risk of pedantry and last word grabbing my original statement on giving birth = mum has the word family in the first sentence.

I have accepted that some people find it offensive, I personally don't and don't think it should be banned on MN or called out in the manner which it currently is.

The child and you OP, have my full sympathy. She sounds like a dick

It’s a tricky one. My 3 DC have a step mum....the eldest (18) hates her, has nothing much to do with her and has a variety of not very nice nicknames for her. The younger 2 (10&8) tolerate her, have good days and bad days. It wouldn’t bother me in the slightest if any of them referred to her as their ‘stepmum’ In front of me....that’s what she is. But, I am their mum. As long as she is kind to them and respects that me and Exh make the decisions, all is fine. It’s difficult sharing your children. It can be hard watching them create a bond with another ‘mother figure’ but I’d sure as hell rather they liked their step mum and were happy when they’re at their dads with her, than not.