Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

AIBU what is wrong with some biological mums

132 replies

MammEEE · 28/05/2019 15:55

I have a 10yr old DSD. My DSD said to my DH that she called me her step mummy in front of her mum and her mum went ballistic at her for calling me that. I've been with my DH (her dad) for 6 yrs, married for 2. Always been nice to DSD, treating her as my own (within reason obviously). We never encourage her to call me mum at all, she calls me by my name which I think is right. So I was quite touched to find out she referred to me as such but sad she was told off for it. She also said her mum went mad at her because she found out I blow dried her hair and that I should not be doing her hair..I mean, what is wrong with some biological mums?! Is it jealousy? I just don't understand it.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

hsegfiugseskufh · 28/05/2019 15:56

its jealousy and bitterness. its shit when people punish their own children for being happy whilst with the other parent.

Original poster

MammEEE · 28/05/2019 15:57

I don't even know why I posted this, I think I just wanted to vent

OP posts:

Dontbeadickkkkk · 28/05/2019 16:00

Do you have any kids of your own?

I don’t think it’s too taxing to try and understand why it’s difficult to pass your children over to be mothered by someone else. Brushing hair, reading stories etc all lovely things to do but still quite bittersweet for her actual mother.

I speak as someone who’s DC have a lovely stepmother, I wouldn’t change her for the world but that’s not to say it isn’t difficult. Nobody has children thinking they are going to have to share their mothering with another woman. Is it jealousy? Not in the way you mean no

Original poster

MammEEE · 28/05/2019 16:04

It really is jealousy and bitterness isn't it? I can't think why else a mum wouldn't be happy that their child is well looked after whilst with the other parent.

It's just ridiculous to think why she's jealous?! She was the one who had an affair and subsequently left my DH for that person. So there's no jealousy there surely. Could she be threatened that my DSD would like me more than her? It's just bloody unreasonable isn't it. It's not a competition

OP posts:

Symbol · 28/05/2019 16:04

She isn't her biological mother. She is her mother. You are her dad's wife.

nevernotstruggling · 28/05/2019 16:05

I wouldn't like exh partner being called step mummy by the dds they hardly ever see her and they arnt married.

Meanwhile I wish she would do the dds hair exh does it and it looks horrendous

Dontbeadickkkkk · 28/05/2019 16:07

It seems like you want us to tell you she’s jealous of you. She isn’t. She doesn’t want someone else mothering her child. That’s it 🤷‍♀️

Original poster

MammEEE · 28/05/2019 16:08

Yes I also have a daughter with my ex who's a similar age to my DSD. And she sees her dad at weekends and spends time with her dads long term girlfriend. I have absolutely no problem with that at all. There's been times when I'm stuck for childcare and the only person available has been my ex's girlfriend. My DD likes her and they had ended up spending the day together going to a restaurant, cinema etc and had a lovely time. I was just grateful for it and thanked my ex's girlfriend for having my DD.

And I have a baby with my DH too.

OP posts:

Original poster

MammEEE · 28/05/2019 16:16

Truth is she's unreasonable IMO. For example she tells my DSD to cut her hair extremely short so that she doesn't have to do it. DSD said she hates having her hair short and wishes she could grow it. At 10 years old I'd say she can decide herself how to have it but it's not my place. What I mean is she can't be bothered to do her daughters hair but when my DSD asks me and I do it she goes mad.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 28/05/2019 16:20

I can understand her feelings (it's not bitterness or jealousy, more alike possessiveness) but telling the child off, that's very bad parenting. She should swallow her feelings or if that's too hard, just explain nicely why she'd rather she referred to you by your name. Poor kid.

Foxmuffin · 28/05/2019 16:23

I can understand her feelings but she should have kept them to herself.

It’s so frustrating when you’re used for unpaid childcare but given these invisible lines you’re not allowed to cross. You can care too much and too little, often all at once.

hsegfiugseskufh · 28/05/2019 16:24

She doesn’t want someone else mothering her child

well sometimes you don't have a choice, and I would much rather someone who actually likes my child mother them, than have a SM who hates them or ignores them. Its not on to punish your child for it either.

You cant do right being a step mum. Ever.

LolaSmiles · 28/05/2019 16:31

It's jealousy or bitterness.

Some women have the view that step mothers should treat all children and step children identically when it suits them whilst also finding any reason to moan when the step mother does even the most basic parenting duties.

hsegfiugseskufh · 28/05/2019 16:36

for instance, dps ex hates me, with a passion. Says I am an awful person, whatever else. When I was on maternity leave, she expected me to have her child in her time, not in dps. But I am an awful person remember? but good enough for a babysitter when she needed one.

similarly, DSS moved in with us and she liked to remind me that i am not his mother (that's fine, i'm not nor do I want to be!) and she is, etc etc, but was happy for me to financially contribute to his life much more than her.

Also happy for us to take him on holiday, I personally paid for his passport (fine, I did it at the same time as DS's) but the literal minute we got back she text DP asking for his passport because "I am his mother not plantpotparrot"

some mothers are fantastic co parents, reasonable women and genuinely want the best for their kids, some are jealous gameplayers who want everyone to think they're a fantastic mother, whilst letting someone else do the work and foot the bill. But equally that person must know that they are fuck all to do with the child. Its mental.

PerfectPeony2 · 28/05/2019 16:36

I understand her feelings as a mother I would feel jealous if someone else was doing Mum and daughter stuff with my child (luckily not in that situation).

BUT she is wrong to voice her opinion as ultimately her daughter will suffer as it sounds like you have a nice relationship with her. When you are a parent you need to put your own feelings aside. Can you talk with her to resolve this calmly? Make her understand that you are not a threat?

Original poster

MammEEE · 28/05/2019 16:39

PlantPotParrot spot on, in this case anyway

Others posters who've suggested I shouldn't be "mothering" the child well what am I supposed to do and how am I supposed to behave? We have 3 kids altogether when she stays with us so my DH can't do all the care for DSD. Besides there's some things she asks specifically me. Am I supposed to care for my DD but when my DSD is next to us wanting the same treatment should I turn her away saying nah your dad can do that for you? Wow, no that's not me. She'd end up hating me any rightly so-I'd hate myself!

I am her step mum AND her dads wife. Not one or the other. I have called her mum 'biological mum' to distinguish it

OP posts:

sillysmiles · 28/05/2019 16:39

It seems like you want us to tell you she’s jealous of you. She isn’t. She doesn’t want someone else mothering her child. That’s it

What BS. So for the time the child spends in the her fathers house his wife - the child's step mother is meant to what - ignore her? be cold to her?

It may not be jealous but it is and irrational immature emotion that is pretty close to it and the mother should be ashamed of herself.

If you have children in a blended family situation it is your responsibility to be an adult and get on with the other adults for the sake of the children. Some people need to realise that sometimes what they want and what they feel is irrelevant - that what is important is what is best for the kids. And mothers don't always know best.

chamenanged · 28/05/2019 16:43

I am her step mum AND her dads wife. Not one or the other. I have called her mum 'biological mum' to distinguish it

Why would you need to distinguish it? You can just describe her as 'her mum'. She doesn't have two types of mum, she just has a mum.

DaisiesAreOurSilver · 28/05/2019 16:45

Some bitter women on MN, OP. Step mums rarely get a fair hearing.

DancingintheSpoonlight · 28/05/2019 16:45

It would break my heart if my Dd called anyone else "mum".
I wouldn't get shouty but I'd be upset and would discuss it.
I'd like to think I wouldn't get apeshit over who did her hair etc though. Just glad she likes daddy's girlfriend and she cares for her.

Calling her mum is a flat out never though. She is not her mother.

Walkamileinmyshoesbeforeujudge · 28/05/2019 16:46

When I was a sm the exgf went mad when we booked a holiday with my dc.... She wouldn't let dsd come with us as she didn't want dsd to have a holiday without her - we were supposed to never do anything as she wouldn't let dsd come anywhere.
Couldn't win..
Best day was when we split and the realisation I would never have to deal with exgf again..

IsAStormApporaching · 28/05/2019 16:48

My ex's gf wanted our dd 10 years to call her mum. I will be honest, i freaked. No way was this happening.
I would never be that disrespectful to my ex by asking dh to be called dad.
She now calls her stepmum or her name and I am very happy with that as she is a nice enough lady.
So with that YANBU.

The hair thing I think YABU
I keep dd's hair short. She hates it but i really dint car. Headlice are always in someone's head in the class she is in.
Short hair makes it so much easier to comb through

Anuta77 · 28/05/2019 16:48

She went ballistic, because she has explosive temper. Others would hurt, but say nothing not to hurt the child. Or instruct the child not to let the SM do some "motherly" things.

When I met my SD, she was 7. She was very affectionate with me, always happy to see me, etc. yet she would clearly establish boundaries: I couldn't do her hair because I'm not her mom, I couldn't see her change, because I'm not her mom, etc. She would only go to me when she wanted to eat, I guess she didn't get instructions about that. We went once to a swimming pool with some friends. The woman there whom my SD never met before offered to brush her hair and she said yes. Imagine how bad I looked.
Her mother who's has a "people's pleaser" personality never asked me to do anything for her daughter, everything passes by my partner who's frankly not that good with these things (brushing hair, lice treatment, shopping, period related things). Yet, I see that she passed some boundaries with my kids whom she only met a few times.
Is it jealousy? I think so, but it's a normal human reaction. You can be sure that she's suffering, so you could be compassionate, instead of judging her.

peachgreen · 28/05/2019 16:49

I have no axe to grind with step mums but saying "biological mum" in this circumstance is often seen as offensive. You haven't adopted her child. She is her mum, you are her step-mum. No confusion and easy to understand.

Original poster

MammEEE · 28/05/2019 16:50

Yes I'd like to say we do have a nice relationship. It's lovely having her with us. Well after hearing all the stuff her mums been getting angry about I am considering offering to meet up for a coffee so that she realises that I'm not a threat and it's not a competition.

Although a bit reluctant as her mum is very difficult and most times does not even want to acknowledge me with a 'hello'. So I'm not sure I'd get very far with that one

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.