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Original poster

AIBU what is wrong with some biological mums

132 replies

MammEEE · 28/05/2019 15:55

I have a 10yr old DSD. My DSD said to my DH that she called me her step mummy in front of her mum and her mum went ballistic at her for calling me that. I've been with my DH (her dad) for 6 yrs, married for 2. Always been nice to DSD, treating her as my own (within reason obviously). We never encourage her to call me mum at all, she calls me by my name which I think is right. So I was quite touched to find out she referred to me as such but sad she was told off for it. She also said her mum went mad at her because she found out I blow dried her hair and that I should not be doing her hair..I mean, what is wrong with some biological mums?! Is it jealousy? I just don't understand it.

OP posts:
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Totopoly · 28/05/2019 16:54

She doesn’t want someone else mothering her child
She should have thought of that before she had an affair.

pessimisticstateofperception · 28/05/2019 16:58

It really sounds like you think you're a better parent you don't like her much either.

I don't think anyone particularly relishes another woman playing a part in their childs life like that, and it may well be that she wants your DH to step up more rather than leaving things to you. Either way stay out of it, don't contact her and leave your dh to sort out any fall out.

floraloctopus · 28/05/2019 17:00

I don't like my ex-husband's new wife. However, it's not relevant whether I like her or not as she's built a relationship with my DCs and obviously cares about them at some level and has been supportive of them when one of them broke an arm when at their house and made sure I got the important information when the ex was a chocolate teapot so I'm prepared to overlook my dislike for her. It's not because she's his wife, she's just not my type of person. If the DCs want to call her their step mum then as long as it's their choice and not hers then they can but I'd be annoyed if they were calling her Mum and I'd be annoyed if she called me their biological Mum because I'm their Mum and it doesn't need any prefix.

it's a shame that your DSD was told off but it's hard to take the moral high ground when you are the resident parent and accept your children building a new relationship which doesn't involve you.

Original poster
MammEEE · 28/05/2019 17:01

Also, she never calls me step mum, ever. Yet for some reason she referred to me as step mum when speaking to her mum.

Yet she had to call her mums partner dad (the one she had affair with). They are no longer even together

OP posts:
LiquidSwords · 28/05/2019 17:05

She doesn’t want someone else mothering her child

By blow-drying her hair? If you split up with the father of your children, you have to expect that at some point they will probably have a stepmother. One that genuinely cares for them and looks after them is FAR preferable than one who does not. Trust me.

A step-parent who blow-dries their stepchild's hair is not trying to assume motherhood, and it is patently unreasonable to suggest otherwise. Too many parents put their own feelings ahead of their DCs'.

stuffedpeppers · 28/05/2019 18:45

Definitely not pure jealousy - for me there was a huge amount of sadness that my child had to experience a break up and see the selfishness of their parents actions.

I never set out to have kids and share the mothering, personally would rather not but some other person made decisions that have fundamentally affected my relationship with my DCS. The sense of powerlessness can sometimes be over whelming.

BTW: hated his first DP with a passion, second version is fab.

It is as much the individual rather than the derogatory "biological mother" title you used. Some SMS are great and some are not but I would not start my post with why are some OW SMs so fecking horrible!

Dontbeadickkkkk · 28/05/2019 19:57

Such bullshit that step parents are never in the right

My DCs stepmum is amazing. No axe to grind with her at all.

Original poster
MammEEE · 28/05/2019 20:05

I'm sorry if I offended anyone by posting biological mums, didn't mean to cause offence as I genuinely didn't expect people to be upset by it. I wouldn't be upset if someone called me biological mum to my DCs because that's what I am as I gave birth to them..Though I understand it wasn't needed as I could have just said 'mums'

OP posts:
hsegfiugseskufh · 28/05/2019 20:11

dontbeadick thats great but its certainly rare!

Original poster
MammEEE · 28/05/2019 20:17

it may well be that she wants your DH to step up more rather than leaving things to you

My DH is a brilliant dad and I don't think he needs to step up more, don't think he could do much more if he wanted to! It just so happens he's married to me and we spend time together and if I do something for my kids and step daughter is there I obviously involve her too. So my DD doesn't like my DH doing her hair, after going swimming I dry my DD's hair whilst my DSD is next to us both watching and talking. She then wants her hair drying. So do people actually suggest I go no I'm not drying your hair, let me get your dad?! When she's asked ME not her dad to do it? That's not being kind to the child, it's not thinking of her feelings, I think it would be confusing for all DC's and I'd feel like I'm rejecting my DSD

OP posts:
happymummy12345 · 28/05/2019 20:18

I don't see the issue at all. My parents are divorced, my mum is remarried to a lovely man. I've always called him by his first name. But if had to say introduce him to people (like when I introduced him to my husband and my in laws for example) I would say "this is... his name, my stepdad". He is in fact my step parent so I will refer to him as such if I had to. I have referred to him as being my stepdad in front of my dad and he's never had an issue with it. Referring to a step parent as a step mum or stepdad is not the same as calling them mum or dad at all.

freakingout87 · 28/05/2019 20:21

It's tough to hand your child over to someone else to 'mother' them but I'd much rather that than the alternative of my ex having a string of partners or someone who wasn't interested in their stepchildren.

In this case the mother was wrong to put her own feelings first and she probably confused her dd by making such a big issue out of it. She should just keep her feelings to herself unless there's a serious over stepping of boundaries.

Original poster
MammEEE · 28/05/2019 20:25

The hair thing I think YABU
I keep dd's hair short. She hates it but i really dint car. Headlice are always in someone's head in the class she is in.
Short hair makes it so much easier to comb through

By short I mean ABOVE ear short bowl like haircut. NOT shoulder length..it really is very short. For a 10 year old girl who told me "I hate it and I wish I could have longer hair". I've let my DD have her hair how she likes (within reason) since she was about 6..maybe I'm the weird one 🤷‍♀️

OP posts:
user1493413286 · 29/05/2019 09:36

She probably is jealous but then I’d be jealous if my DD was spending every other weekend with a woman who was helping look after. However I’d keep it to myself and be grateful that they had a good relationship.
I’m a stepmother and I often feel like we can’t win; we either get accused of being cold and uncaring or get accused of trying to be a child’s mother when the majority of us are just doing our best in a difficult situation

MoggyP · 29/05/2019 09:42

Is it yu again?

The oersistent poster with the slightly odd set if stories whi simply will not be told how inappropriate the term biological mother is, when used incorrectly outside the context of adoption?

You are nit her mother, her mother is.

There is no whiff of adoption and a biological mother in this scenario at all. And the iffensive nature if your chosen terminology has been pointed out to you over and over again. And yet you persist.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/05/2019 09:58

moggy oh go away. There is more than one step mother on mumsnet you know. Op never said she was the childs mother Hmm

Its not offensive at all, its factual language.

I am DS biological mother. I don't find it offensive because its true. You can use it outside of adoption, there are no rules to say otherwise.

TwattingDog · 29/05/2019 10:07

My DHs biological mother (there, I said it) is completely estranged from him because of actions as described in the OP towards him as a child. Hence why she is called his biological mother, and never his mum. His SM raised him lovingly and as far as he is concerned is his real mother.

His BM screamed at him for referring to his SM one day as "mum" when he was aged 4. She didn't want to be his mum, but no one else was going to be.

His BM was the one who had an affair, left her son in an overnight flit, didn't make contact with her DH or her 12mth old son for 6mths, continued to neglect her son when he was in her care during contact until he was aged 7 and begged not to go there overnight any more, and didn't put up any arguments about it. No known MH issues, no substance abuse issues.

Singlenotsingle · 29/05/2019 10:10

moggy your spelling and phraseology are so bad it's almost impossible to understand what you're trying to say! If you're trying to criticize others, you need to be above reproach! And you're talking rubbish anyway.

MoggyP · 29/05/2019 10:12

Yes, I know, I'm not completely thick

There is however a quite distictive poster, with noticeable vocabulary choices.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/05/2019 10:13

is there? or is there just people who don't think stating facts is massively offensive?

MoggyP · 29/05/2019 10:15

Comment noted, singlenotsingle

I always try to be clear, and am always learning.

RoseAndRose · 29/05/2019 10:16

There has been a goady poster in the past. It's a fair warning.

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/05/2019 10:16

right so lets assume that because op used factual language that she must be the same goady poster Hmm ffs.

Teddybear45 · 29/05/2019 10:19

Did it actually happen though? My friend’s dsd didn’t like her, or want to refer to her as a stepmum, and so lied about her mum not liking it. It took an angry and embarrassing outburst from the partner for the truth to be revealed.

I’m guessing if the ex split up with the partner she really doesn’t care about him or you or him and you together. Just a thought .

hsegfiugseskufh · 29/05/2019 10:21

I’m guessing if the ex split up with the partner she really doesn’t care about him or you or him and you together

if only.....

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