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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

He has a child but won’t give me one

40 replies

Stepmum92 · 21/05/2019 08:12

So I’m a step parent to my boyfriends teenage daughter. She’s lovely but I’m not starting to resent her, now my partner tells me he doesn’t want anymore kids. He told me I’m the past if things were good he would have a child with me and he told me it would be a natural progression on a relationship, but now he’s saying he feels too old, doesn’t want to do it financially and is scared he would be in the same position again where he has to see his daughter on alternate weekends. I’m so unhappy as I have moved my life for this guy, so he was near his daughter. I have always been open and honest about what I wanted and now he’s just changed his mind. He has now told me he’s never wanted a child, so I feel lied to. I feel trapped living in a house we’re renovating and have a mortgage we are going to have to sort out and pay an early resettlement fee. I’m going to have to live with him till the house is in a sellable condition too and it’s killing me. I am starting to resent his daughter cause I’ll never have that with him and I hate that cause it’s not her fault. I feel confused living in limbo I love him and don’t understand what’s happening. My life seems to have been turned upside down. I can’t stay with someone when they don’t want kids, I’m already bitter about it cause I told him all along that I wanted a kid and marriage and won’t give that up, but it now hurts that I have to live up the love of my life for what I need out of a relationship. I felt so close to getting my dream and feel like his past is messing up my future. He says he already has a kid so doesn’t feel it’s a priority for him. He said he would get married cause he can get out of that and it’s not life long. My emotions are all over the place. Can anyone give me any advice on how to cope with this please.

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 23/05/2019 20:43

Better to finish it whilst you have some good feelings about him, rather than waiting until you hate and resent him. I would do it now if I were you. Separate bedrooms, forget the holiday (or go w a friend) and put your time and energy into getting the house done - or sell it half finished.

Hopeless25 · 30/05/2019 11:52

Saw this and I am in a similar situation. DP has 3 kids from 2 previous relationships and had the snip. On our 2nd date I told him exactly where I stood wanting kids and he said if things were going well and we were married before he turned 35 and and and then we would either do ivf or he would have it reversed... So after 2 years together we decided to go to the dr and we were told it was all good to go. Now DP refuses to talk about it and says when I mention it it feels like a concrete block on his chest .... Am i wasting my time??

Devilwings · 27/01/2025 22:26

I have recently seen this thread, as I'm going through something similar.
Partner has a kid with someone he can't stand literally, and from earlier on in the relationship if he asked me if I would have a kid with him, I agreed and throughout the months he says to me every so often why aren't you pregnant yet or this month or next. I do not initiate the conversation.
Ive told him I would like another child in the future and he started thinking of names. But he goes through phrases where he tells me he doesn't want kids. He's one of these people that things depend on how he feels or wants he wants. I always feel like my feelings, needs, ambitions and desires are always neglected and not even considered, especially if it doesn't align with how he feels or what he wants.
I feel at a loss, it seems it's always his call not ours as a couple but just his. As much as it's not the kids fault I feel like I've started unintentionally keeping a distance.
What I can't get my head round is that he was willing to have a kid with someone he loathes and can't stand, but he won't have a kid with me, someone he says he loves.

Babyghirl · 28/01/2025 00:27

Devilwings · 27/01/2025 22:26

What age are you if you don't mind me asking.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 28/01/2025 00:37

Thank goodness you have many years left to find someone else and start a family with and probably more than one child.

I would not waste money on a holiday in July ! that is months away.

I would be throwing every single penny into getting the house ready for sale, then sell it asap !

Why is the house not saleable at the moment ?
how did you manage to get a mortgage on it

beachcitygirl · 29/01/2025 06:48

Be open & honest. Come
Off contraception & tell
Him so. Explain thoroughly your needs & desires.

Make plans to leave - be open & honest about why you're leaving ~ don't give an ultimatum. Give a statement of intent.

If he loves you enough he'll talk it through & if he doesn't he's not the man to have a. Child with

Someone once said to me about children- if the desire is there you can't take it away & if it's not there you can't put it in.

But this man has led you on & lied.

Personally I'd leave now. Stay with family or friends. Get out & get away

beachcitygirl · 29/01/2025 06:50

Ps get the house on the market now. Take the loss - you're young

thecrispfiend · 29/01/2025 16:47

This happened to me, I left and had a baby via donor (with a lot of support from my parents) best thing I ever did.

excelledyourself · 29/01/2025 16:53

@beachcitygirl if you're replying to the OP (as your comment about the house indicates), this thread is over 5 years old.

As for this:

Come
Off contraception & tell
Him so.

Why would you ever advise someone in this situation to come off her contraception?

Swirlingceilings · 01/02/2025 21:28

Stepmum92 · 21/05/2019 15:41

I don’t know how I can live with him and be broken up it’s too hard. We have a holiday booked on July so we’re still going and agreed to be together till then but think I’ve been living in cloud cook coo land thinking he will change his mind in that time. I’m all over the place at the min. I know the right thing is to break up but I don’t want to cause I love him but yet he will never give me what I want so I have to leave.. so difficult. I just need the house to get completed ASAP so then we can sell up. It’s so hard when his daughter comes over too she’s a constant reminder of what I can’t have.

Your last line was exactly how I felt and I already had a child of my own, but I was a lone parent and felt so pained by the knowledge I would never have a child with someone. Thankfully me and my DP didn’t live together and we came very close to breaking up but didn’t, gave it time and DP came around and suggested we have a baby. We then moved in together and got a mortgage etc. after I got pregnant. Although I think many people think that was the wrong way round, for me it wasn’t because I knew he was committed to us having kids together as well as us being a blended family. I love my step-children to pieces, but the pain of knowing I would never have another child (my DP child specifically) was too much to bear sometimes when around them.

i’m sorry that it doesn’t sound like it will work out with your partner, but you are young and can find someone who deserves you. He has deliberately trapped you if he knew all along that he didn’t want kids and that is unforgivable.

Chunkychips23 · 02/02/2025 16:06

My now husband and I had a conversation at the start of our relationship. I wasn’t overly keen on getting married, he’d been married before so wasn’t that fussed. I said I wanted a child, he already had three. That was a non negotiable for me. He agreed that he would like one more.

Flash forward a few years, I was on the contraceptive pill and fell pregnant. Caught us both completely off guard. He immediately said he didn’t want another child and I had to get an abortion. I felt the same way initially, as it was unplanned, but changed my mind. His total rejection and going back on what he said felt like a slap in the face. Although unplanned, we’d both gone into the relationship on the basis of one day having a child.

He did eventually change his mind after attending therapy and realising his rejection was based on his past and his fears. Although it did end in a miscarriage, it made him realise it wasn’t a case of not wanting another baby, it was letting go of the past and future fears. It’s years later now and we have a toddler and I’m pregnant with our 2nd.

I felt very much strung along. Having to play happy families with his kids, whilst he was refusing me my own. I was happy to leave. He knew that. I wasn’t scared to leave or start afresh.

Be direct and ask him if he lied to you to start a relationship. Or if he’s changed his mind, why. It may also be worth looking into couples Counselling too as it’s so much easier to be open with a stranger mediating.

Don’t be afraid to leave. If he has lied to you, then he’s not the great love you thought he was.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 02/02/2025 16:12

As the Op wrote her thread over 5 years ago, i would hope the situation was resolved.
The Op @Stepmum92 may not even be on Mumsnet any longer ?

TotallyFloored · 03/02/2025 09:56

BarnabasTheMaineCoon · 21/05/2019 15:57

You've been swizzed and strung along. He's not the love of your life, he's a liar and all about himself. I'd rather go bankrupt and live on the streets than stay with someone like this. I'd find another place to live and dump him.

I agree with this sentiment - it is one thing for him to say he was open to having children with you at the start of your relationship if that was true, and for him later to ultimately decide that he was against it.

It is another for him to have lied to you about the issue. If he had said he didn't want children, would you have walked away ? I think you've said you wanted children and marriage and were always upfront about that.

He has lied to you and taken away your choice in the matter in the hope of tricking you into a relationship. Maybe you would have chosen to stay had he been honest at the start, but then it would have been your choice to give up marriage/kids and you could maybe learn how to deal with your choice and accept it.

But he has kind of taken that choice away from you. You now have feelings for him, but they are built on lies and I'm not sure I could ever feel the same way about him ever again knowing he had done that to me.

I get it is hard, but I would walk away. By staying, you would have to accept that he had lied to you over something so important and taken away your choices. You'd have to accept he was not the man you thought he was. And you would end up with no child. By walking away, there is a chance you can meet someone amazing who will love you, treat you with honesty and respect and will want children with you. There is a risk that you may not have children (depending on your age), but you are wasting more of your fertile years if you stay with this liar. Even if you don't end up with a child, you will end up with a better man.

strawberrysea · 03/02/2025 16:54

That is so heartbreaking, I'm so sorry. If you really want children my advice would be to leave as soon as possible to start dating again or consider doing it alone with a donor.

Jacobeen · 03/02/2025 18:50

Zombie thread

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