He has a child but won’t give me one

[Stepmum92]

So I’m a step parent to my boyfriends teenage daughter. She’s lovely but I’m not starting to resent her, now my partner tells me he doesn’t want anymore kids. He told me I’m the past if things were good he would have a child with me and he told me it would be a natural progression on a relationship, but now he’s saying he feels too old, doesn’t want to do it financially and is scared he would be in the same position again where he has to see his daughter on alternate weekends. I’m so unhappy as I have moved my life for this guy, so he was near his daughter. I have always been open and honest about what I wanted and now he’s just changed his mind. He has now told me he’s never wanted a child, so I feel lied to. I feel trapped living in a house we’re renovating and have a mortgage we are going to have to sort out and pay an early resettlement fee. I’m going to have to live with him till the house is in a sellable condition too and it’s killing me. I am starting to resent his daughter cause I’ll never have that with him and I hate that cause it’s not her fault. I feel confused living in limbo I love him and don’t understand what’s happening. My life seems to have been turned upside down. I can’t stay with someone when they don’t want kids, I’m already bitter about it cause I told him all along that I wanted a kid and marriage and won’t give that up, but it now hurts that I have to live up the love of my life for what I need out of a relationship. I felt so close to getting my dream and feel like his past is messing up my future. He says he already has a kid so doesn’t feel it’s a priority for him. He said he would get married cause he can get out of that and it’s not life long. My emotions are all over the place. Can anyone give me any advice on how to cope with this please.

I am very sorry to hear that OP and hope I could give you a virtual hug.

I was in a very similar situation: frontloaded this “having a child” conversation with my now husband (he has two kids and the same concern of being too old/financial stress etc) and thought we reached a mutual understanding. When I got pregnant he had a panic attack as he felt like he made a mistake for himself. We had a very open conversation and talked about the option of us walking away from the relationship and eventually we decided that we can work this out together. It was a very scary moment and I too felt betrayed and angry but luckily I’ve worked so hard over the past few years and have built myself a much stronger financial position so I was not afraid when we talked about a future without each other.

I wish you can also have a honest conversation with your partner and hopefully reach a decision that makes sense to you, both emotionally and financially. Good luck!

Sorry to hear that. How are things now if you don’t mind me asking. It’s unlikely I’ll just drop pregnant despite us still having sex as I’m on the contraception injection. I would never trap anyone into being a parent as I know what it’s like growing up not feeling wanted. I just want him to want what I want and can’t understand why he doesn’t? I can’t understand how you can just change your mind, or if not lie to someone and give them false hope. I’m sick of raising the issue because I feel like I’m adding more pressure, but at the moment I feel like I’m loosing the love of my life and my home and there is nothing I can do. I think it’s so unfair that I’m expected to treat his daughter the same when he won’t give me a child. If I had a child I’d feel more part of their family, as there would be a blood link. It sounds stupid when I write it out.

I know One of his worries is that I’ll fall pregnant have the baby and then it won’t work out and I’ll move back to my home town. I can’t make any promises but I think I’d only move back there if I was forced now as my life is down south.

Financial worry - I don’t know if it’s cause he wants to start his own business and can’t focus on anything more than that as he doesn’t know how that will pan out or if he just doesn’t want to spend money on another child. I don’t know if he’s worried if it doesn’t work out he will have to pay out for two children per month. I really don’t know.

Being old is another reason but he’s only 38. He’s great with his niece and nephew and I know he loves his own child loads. She is always a priority. I always come second which I find hard but understand reluctantly. just wish it felt like I was equal but it’s not going to feel like that now we’re in this phase anyways.

He says he has other priorities and he already has a child so it isn’t a priority for him.

How do I move forwards. We’re playing happy families at the min cause we don’t want to split up and we live together and we’re staying like this till after our holiday but it’s so hard cause something is missing. I.e my dreams of a future with my partner.

I'm sorry my love it's awful but you have to decide what is a dealbreaker for you - if you're adamant you want kids then your relationship won't work long term. It's shit though I know :(

I am totally with you that it's very unfair that you are "forced" to blend in with his family and his daughter. Although I believe that a step parent can grow a loving and strong relationship with the stepchildren, it will never be the same as your own children. Many people may argue their different views, but the fact that step parent does not have parental responsibility, and the rights that come with it, is a natural hurdle.

I don't believe he intentionally lied to you though, but people do and have the right to change their minds and that goes both ways. Unfortunately other than trying your best to manage your own welfare and to negotiate with the other party, there is nothing much you can do.

I am very good, thanks for asking. Still happily pregnant and dear husband recovered from his panic attack. Still occasionally mention that we could have more couple time together w/o the baby but I also know he will love and treasure this baby dearly once he/she is here. Figuring out details around childcare/family budget also helps to make us both at ease.

As long as you know firmly about what you want, you will find a way out. It may be painful, involves sacrifices and/or compromises, but you will eventually get there xx

I’m sorry OP. That must be difficult.

I think you’re doing the right thing by moving on. One person wanting a child and the other not wanting one is a situation that doesn’t have a compromise.

The fact that he said he never wanted a child means he lied to you. I imagine he was stringing you along hoping you’d child your mind. That’s very selfish of him.

I hope the moving out goes smoothly and your next relationship will be with someone honest and who wants the same things as you.

As much as you may love him now, if you resign yourself to no children which is what you really want, you will start to resent him and it will all come crumbling down anyway.

You do not have to give up your dreams for somebody, certainly not somebody who has strung you along knowing what you wanted.

This would be a dealbreaker for me and I would leave. You deserve a chance at your dream with somebody who shares it. Good luck.

I can understand why you feel betrayed but not wanting any more children is one of those feelings that often comes up gradually until one day you realise that there is no way in hell you will have another child. If having a child is important to you I think you had best end the relationship. If he’s a good guy he will understand. You can still live together until your renovation is done etc despite breaking up.

I don’t know how I can live with him and be broken up it’s too hard. We have a holiday booked on July so we’re still going and agreed to be together till then but think I’ve been living in cloud cook coo land thinking he will change his mind in that time. I’m all over the place at the min. I know the right thing is to break up but I don’t want to cause I love him but yet he will never give me what I want so I have to leave.. so difficult. I just need the house to get completed ASAP so then we can sell up. It’s so hard when his daughter comes over too she’s a constant reminder of what I can’t have.

You CAN have the child you want, just not with this man.

The bit where he says he could get out of marriage with you and it's not forever just makes it seem like he's not committed to you at all. I'd worry about that and even considering having a baby with him.

This was me! I stayed with my Ex for 8 years as he always said maybe but definitely not yet. In the end we had the baby and marriage conversation and it was a definite No from him so I left. I've now been with my DH for 7 years and have 2 amazing DC's. Smiling finally.

You've been swizzed and strung along. He's not the love of your life, he's a liar and all about himself. I'd rather go bankrupt and live on the streets than stay with someone like this. I'd find another place to live and dump him.

Fine for him to not want a child. Not fine for him to lie in the beginning.

My trust and faith in him would be gone and I would start the breaking up process.

I'm not sure how old you are, but don't waste your fertile years with him.

Don't issue ultimatums. .just be clear about your plans for the future.

Don't drag this out until July.

Sit him down and explain that the house will need to be sold. That you'll be going your separate ways. Just take the loss on the holiday.
If it were me, I'd get on a dating site and see the possibilities, even if it's just a distraction while you get through this.

My XH did a similar thing your DP did and it broke us. A year and a half on, I'm happy with my new DP and I was rather abruptly clear early on what was non negotiable for going forward. He has a time limit, which isn't ideal, but at least he knows it's that serious for me. He told me maybe I didn't love him that much if I could so "easily" walk away if he didn't want more kids, but it's not that simple. You have to put your dreams first, before the person you love. He already puts his daughter above you (rightly so) and it sounds like he'll do the same with this new business and his finances.

I'm sorry it worked out this way for you.

It’s so hard cause I live so far away from my family and most my friends. I moved away to be with him and changed my whole life. I’m so angry. I can’t believe we signed up for a mortgage together if I’d have known I’d have rented so it would have been easier to leave. The house is nowhere near sellable but as soon as it is I’ll be out. I can’t stand being around him cause I love him but know it can’t last. He told me today he wants to put his career first and doesn’t want to go through having a child again when I asked for more answers. To add context, I’m 27 and he’s 38. No idea where I wanna Be in my life now it’s all messed up after I moved away for him.

Can you move back and stay with family and carry on paying 50% of the mortgage until it is sold, try and see it as an investment?

Not really that would mean moving back up north and I don’t want to do that. Plus I need to help work on the house to hurry things along. I love my job and don’t want to leave to go up north

So basically he wants to women who doesn’t want kids but would be happy to be a step parent? Good luck. Most women who don’t want kids absolutely do NOT want to date someone with a kid.

I’d make that clear to him. He’d probably need to date a single mother if he wants a women who loves kids but doesn’t want any with him.

I have already raised this with him and he said that he isn’t interested in a relationship.. so I think he will just play girls for rest of his life instead like my dad. I feel as though I’ve gone for a male that represents my dad too Laid back with commitment issues and a workaholic,

It sounds like you are a victim of the shell game! He's a right jackass isn't he? I would be unable to live with a liar like him

You may not think it but you are really very young. 27 is no age at all. You have many years ahead of you to move somewhere else, meet someone and have children.
But start the process now. Move out and into a flat share.

Don't throw your life away giving this guy more time. You're TWENTY SEVEN? Why on Earth do you want some guy with all this baggage? Get out. Don't give him till July. He's old with more baggage than Gatwick Airport.

You must be so hurt and angry, he’s been incredibly callous and unfair, so sorry

The way you feel now will get worse the longer you stay. You invested in what you assumed would be a home for your own family and he’s taken that away from you.

Rtmhwales you’re so right. I have a lovely friend who wants nothing more than marriage and babies. She was dating a guy who ummed and ahhed, so she broke up with him after a year. She then played the field for a year, didn’t like what she saw, got back together with the guy, moved him in, and he’s STILL dicking around saying he’ll think about it - as if it’s something she’ll one day earn by being cool enough to stop asking All that’s changed is she’s now very defensive about being with him again and 3 years older (late 30s).

He’s happy as bloody Larry, she doesn’t bring it up anymore, he’s living in her place, he’s indecisive about buying somewhere together, he’s “not that keen” on marriage and in his mid 40s he’s highly unlikely to ever want to jack in his happy childfree life for a baby...

Easier said than done when you have a mortgage and can’t afford that and another place. I have a legal responsibility to pay towards the house and so I can’t just get away. It’s so difficult I feel on one hand he didn’t realise what he wanted but on the other hand I’ve always talked seriously about what I want at the time and expected the same back

In which case, I'd focus on sorting out the house to sell and emotionally detaching from him.

I'd be clear and not Express a y bitterness to him, that this issue means you aren't compatible and I'd be looking at being flatmates.

It depends on how good you are at emotionally disengaging.