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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Wicked witch today

126 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 18/04/2019 14:48

Long - sorry.
I work from home most of the time. We have a son together and dps older 3 40%,after mediation and court. The contact is agreed after 3 months of arguments. We have Feb half term. Two weeks summer and October half term. We had to fight to get this agreed as there her kids, her words and she has first choice when she wants them.
Exw childcare fell through for Easter and dp, with no discussion or conversation with me has had the children an extra week. Np if at weekends though not ideal but it's all weekdays, he works and I work and he's arranged no childcare outside of the home or even discussed it with me. The kids are at primary so all need supervision.
I was seriously cross, livid in fact, as its almost impossible for me to work with them here and my son, our son, is still in childcare so I can work. I said it was totally unreasonable not to even discuss it with me first (I've taken annual leave for the other weeks, we have them in school holidays). He said it doesn't effect or impact me at all, so it didn't matter and he's made an executive decision that he can do what he wants(exact words) . It bloody does! I said fine but he was responsible for everything then as it was insulting to say that.
I've had to work from my mom's house all week meaning earlier starts everyday, I've refused to cook or tidy or so anything outside of my normal routine -as according to him it didn't effect me at all if they are here.
I've still been nice eg watch films and given them. Their easter eggs etc.
He's now angry at me as I'm being ridiculous, but I'm so cross that he didn't even have the common courtesy to. Speak to me about something which impacts our working week and expected me to be the one to make all the adjustments. I usually do all the breakfast, all the other meals, everything when they are here - so I think he's felt the full stress of actually looking after them. He's also freaking out now as he's been unable to. Work all week so low on money, again his own fault. He asked me to help out and I said no, as I wasn't consulted and it didn't effect me.
He's just had a massive go at me for being selfish and not helping.
I know he thinks I'm a Wicked witch but I'm sick of being taken for granted!

OP posts:

LatentPhase · 25/04/2019 17:28

Oh, Spangly

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 25/04/2019 20:56

I'm OK, he wants to say sorry n work n not go. I just cba with it, I'm far too tierd.
Basically he got caught out in a silly lie an obvious one about something daft but was really important to me. Basically definition of straw n canals back.

OP posts:

InTheHeatofLisbon · 25/04/2019 20:57

It doesn't matter what he wants Spangly, it matters what you want.

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 25/04/2019 21:01

I'm too tierd to deal with it, baby is teething and my day at work tomorrow starts at 5am if baby isn't up before like this morning.
I just want to hide under a rock tbhand sleep.
I obviously will deal with it but as I'm very conflicted, sick of things as they are but I also don't wnat bbay to loose his family unit. I know that's silly but it bothers me.
Anyway... Just blargh
Not a useful update!

OP posts:

InTheHeatofLisbon · 25/04/2019 21:05

It's not silly, you're knackered, emotionally wiped out and need some space to sleep. Or even just stop. What you feel isn't silly, I promise you.

MintyT · 26/04/2019 06:21

@Spanglyprincess1 I hope today is a better day for you,

NWQM · 26/04/2019 10:01

Am so sorry to read your updates and how hard you have it at the minute.

Hope you are getting some 'real life' support but we are here to hand hold as well.

Fundays12 · 26/04/2019 10:05

Silly man you did absolutely the right thing. Who was he expecting too look after them when you were working? People often don’t seem to realise wfh is exactly that you need to work and caring for kids whilst doing this is rarely viable. I would leave him to carry on with it so he is in no doubt how much extra work it is and how difficult it is. He shouldn’t do it again then.

HeckyPeck · 26/04/2019 16:43

It's not silly, you're knackered, emotionally wiped out and need some space to sleep. Or even just stop. What you feel isn't silly, I promise you.

I agree. Take your time to work out what you want and don’t let anyone pressure you.

Hope you got a bit of a lie in this morning.

Weenurse · 27/04/2019 01:30

I hope you get some sleep.
Is it possible to stay with a friend and catch up on sleep while they look after the baby for a few hours?

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 29/04/2019 06:49

Hey everyone thanks for comments. I went to friends house and my mom had baby for a few hours. He's still here and worked away all weekend so I got space.
I dunno what's going on to be honest, he seems sad n sorry but I've been here before.
Sound like it's over money but it isn't. It's just about priorities and respect. I wnat him to respect our plans and life as much and honour commitments he's made. As an adult putting away 30 quid a month for a year isn't an unreasonable ask if you know you have a family holiday booked. Unless a proper emergency iccured obviously. The real fear is that the next 5, 20, 15 years will be like this.
I just feel very let down, that combined with the lying and tbh I'm tierd.

OP posts:

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 29/04/2019 06:51

That all gobbledegook I think, but essentially I shouldn't have to kick him out or threaten to before he starts making any effort

OP posts:

acomingin · 29/04/2019 07:21

There will be no resolution while he prioritises his first children over you and your child.

He needs to say no to the ex.

Clutterbugsmum · 29/04/2019 07:56

Sorry you are having to deal with this.

But why would he change if nothing changes for him, there is know incentive while you are still picking up his short comings.

The only way he will change is when HIS life becomes too uncomfortable.

For example if he comes on the holiday and stays in the villa, you won't enjoy yourself as you will fill guilty ever time you and your baby go out to do something. He will eat any and all food in the villa while you are out 'gallivanting' as he was BORED, so you will end up 2 / 3 times as much as you want too.

Personally I would cancel your holiday you booked off in the summer and let him and his EX sort THEIR childcare issues.

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 29/04/2019 08:09

I've told him not to come or sort spends, only two options.
Wider issues I agree but weirdly he see it as everyone being equal eg children n me. I don't. Banging head on wall

OP posts:

Beamur · 29/04/2019 08:23

Oh dear.
I think you did the right thing in taking yourself out of the week of unplanned childcare. He really does have to wake up to speaking with you and making plans together.
As for spending all his money during that week, either he just hasn't given any thought to the impact that has on your trip or he has realised and done it anyway. Neither is good.
Frankly he does sound a bit feckless and it is extremely tiresome having to parent your partner as well as multiple children. No wonder you are tired.

timeisnotaline · 29/04/2019 08:58

You said upthread I haven't picked up the slack for the kids, though.
But you have. You use most of your holiday to parent them so he doesn’t have to. You just drew the line at being an absolute doormat, which is good. My new rule would be I won’t take a day more of leave to parent your children than you do. And I won’t help during your weeks any more than you do doing mine. So if you can’t hoover or wash a mug, then nor do I.
In answer to I can’t Magic money - he can when it’s his kids. He’d have found the money if that childcare week were after your holiday. He can’t when it’s his low priority partner and youngest child.

Clutterbugsmum · 29/04/2019 10:11

I haven't picked up the slack for the kids, though. You have though, THEIR children are THEIR problem. You are not THEIR children parents, all responsibilities for THEIR children is down to them. Anything YOU offer is a bonus and shouldn't be taken for granted.

But here you are thinking you have not done enough, not giving enough even through you are doing far above what they are.

Unfortunately unless he going to major changes to his way of thinking about how and what is expected from you and his commitment to your family nothing going to change and only get worse. With you picking up more and more of his slack.

Beamur · 29/04/2019 10:15

I'm a SM too. Holidays were sorted out between DH and his ex. The only time I took leave was when we all did something together. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I stepped in to help when parents were really stuck. Neither of them assumed I would do their child care.

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 29/04/2019 10:36

I literally have no idea at the moment what I want but I know I can't keep doing this for years as it isn't fair on me. He genuinely seems sad about everything and stressed n worried. But woe is me, doesn't fix the issues.
Obviously financially ill be worse off a bit if we split but at least I can 100% concentrate on my bbay and only be reasonsible for my own mess/washing/holiday etc

OP posts:

Hollykate30 · 29/04/2019 11:51

@Spanglyprincess1 I am so sorry to read this and I hope all is ok - what's going on?

I feel your pain as I am in a really similar situation with my partner - he just literally doesn't think at all about the implications as soon as he gets a chance to see his daughter regardless of financial implications and potentially losing his job. If I say anything (even though I only ever say anything if I am asked) he losses the plot and is so rude and horrible to me it just seems too much ccc

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 29/04/2019 12:01

Thank you. I do get it, regarding wanting to see kids. But part of being a parent is responsibility also. He has to pay maintenence, he has to feed and treat all children not just his 3 with exwife equally.
Sometimes that means not doing what u want to do.
I sometimes don't want to mop the floor and hoover daily but I have a crawling soon to be toddling little one who put everything in his mouth so I have do. I don't wnat to leave at 5 am so times and go to work but I have to pay bills and feed my child so I do.
Id love to stay at home with my son and work part time but I have responsibilities, I don't complain to him that he has to earn more so I get to live my dream. I'm not sure why he gets to have his dream and not be responsible.
Lot of bitterness there sorry!

OP posts:

llangennith · 29/04/2019 12:34

Sorry you're having to deal with all this OP. You must be very tired with all that a baby and work involves. I hope you can find the money to enjoy your holiday. While you're away try to agree some rules re childcare and money spent on his DC. If he won't see how unreasonable he's being you'll have to decide if you want to live like this for many years or leave him.

Original poster

Spanglyprincess1 · 29/04/2019 12:47

We agreed rules, he never asks me for money as tbh I would say no unless it was for stuff like food etc. He just sees it as unfortunate and the way his job is ref money, rather than as his choice.
He did say that he would give up his self employment as its stressful and earns very little but he said that when I was pregnant and didn't and previously but didn't. So I'm not sure he actually will...

OP posts:

LatentPhase · 29/04/2019 14:24

what is he doing that he can’t take time off and earns so little?

Is this a hobby masquerading as a job?

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