Wicked witch today

[Spanglyprincess1]

Long - sorry.
I work from home most of the time. We have a son together and dps older 3 40%,after mediation and court. The contact is agreed after 3 months of arguments. We have Feb half term. Two weeks summer and October half term. We had to fight to get this agreed as there her kids, her words and she has first choice when she wants them.
Exw childcare fell through for Easter and dp, with no discussion or conversation with me has had the children an extra week. Np if at weekends though not ideal but it's all weekdays, he works and I work and he's arranged no childcare outside of the home or even discussed it with me. The kids are at primary so all need supervision.
I was seriously cross, livid in fact, as its almost impossible for me to work with them here and my son, our son, is still in childcare so I can work. I said it was totally unreasonable not to even discuss it with me first (I've taken annual leave for the other weeks, we have them in school holidays). He said it doesn't effect or impact me at all, so it didn't matter and he's made an executive decision that he can do what he wants(exact words) . It bloody does! I said fine but he was responsible for everything then as it was insulting to say that.
I've had to work from my mom's house all week meaning earlier starts everyday, I've refused to cook or tidy or so anything outside of my normal routine -as according to him it didn't effect me at all if they are here.
I've still been nice eg watch films and given them. Their easter eggs etc.
He's now angry at me as I'm being ridiculous, but I'm so cross that he didn't even have the common courtesy to. Speak to me about something which impacts our working week and expected me to be the one to make all the adjustments. I usually do all the breakfast, all the other meals, everything when they are here - so I think he's felt the full stress of actually looking after them. He's also freaking out now as he's been unable to. Work all week so low on money, again his own fault. He asked me to help out and I said no, as I wasn't consulted and it didn't effect me.
He's just had a massive go at me for being selfish and not helping.
I know he thinks I'm a Wicked witch but I'm sick of being taken for granted!

I haven't picked up the slack for the kids, though. This was point of the original thread.
It's a very difficult line to tred as on mn you get told your financially abusive if you earn more but refuse to pay for everything for your partner! This isn't about the money it's about his lack of consideration and understanding and again backing out on something he's agreed to do for me and baby. He drops everything for the older children which I understand, their kids, but equally I expect him to make same consideration for his younger son.

He knew he was going on holiday. It’s been paid for for him. All he had to do was provide his own spends. It is NOT financial abuse to expect this small contribution to his own family to be beyond the wit of a grown man to organise and it does NOT make you a monster to insist that he does so.

Does he even want to go? Stunning behaviour if he does. And it’s not reasonable for you to wipe his arse for him then wonder why he keeps doing it.

And it’s also not reasonable to “drop everything” for his older kids always at the expense of the rest of his family either.

It's somewhere that's on our bucket list and I know he was really excited as always wanted to go to this location (Europe). He even wanted a day trip to somewhere nearby that he's always wanted to go to.
So it isn't that.
No way am I providing the funds, I just simply can't being one of the reasons as I haven't saved enough for that.
I'm very cross about it and tbh a bit embarrassed, as it's ridiculous.

Go without him.

What other response does he expect from you?

Massive guilt trip coming your way OP. Epic, probably. I’m so angry for you being out in this position

I'm angry. His answer is he will just stay at villa and do nothing so won't cost anything. Stupidly ridiculous. Food costs money for one. So does petrol. What is baby (on solids),going to eat? Air apparently unless I'm paying for it

Oh spangly, it really does sound like you're being punished for not toeing the (his) line regarding his kids & the Easter holidays. It's very bad emotional blackmail on his part as he either stays at home (& you feel bad), he comes & you refuse to pay for him (& you feel bad) or he comes and you pay for him (& you feel angry).
I don't know if he's monumentally selfish, clueless, or just really struggling with being overwhelmed by life, but whichever it is he's taking it all out on you which really needs to stop.
When my dp was struggling with ex/kids/financial issues he would often pick fights with me - basically he'd project all his anger at exw & kids on me. I told him in no uncertain terms that he either got help to deal with this shit or I walked. He got help & it has made a difference but I was quite literally at the point that if he didn't I would go because as I said to him I refused point blank to be his emotional punching bag for issues that had nothing to do with me.
You know that your dp's attitude to his ex, his kids & his lot in life is not your problem, it's the residue of their relationship as a couple & a family and as such he either deals with it & stops making it your problem or else you will be dealing with this crap for years & he will sink further & further into the victim/feeling sorry for himself role.

Thanks. It will get sorted. He genuinely can see the issue. Madness

Go without him or let him stay in the villa eating rations.

Seriously, this is just another control thingy. He doesn’t like that you stood up to him re: Easter so he’s punishing you.

I really don’t like the sound of him...

Good lord, he really can't see issues can he. Is he rubbish at budgeting in general.
Ie ch are with us, I'll only spend x this week.
No extra ch so my budget is x
X to put towards holiday.

He needed to sort holiday funds well before Easter.
Tell him you've only enough for you and the baby, he needs food money and petrol money at the least.
And prep your parents not to be lending him money. He really does need to learn a lesson in life.

It’s refreshing to read about someone with clear boundaries. I’d tell him to stay behind, parenting is about budgeting. He’s got his childfree week away which you are facilitating, so wouldn’t feel bad at having a week away without him. It’s a shame of course, but you can’t just subsidise him with money you don’t have either.

I think we are all angry for you. Is he at least acknowledging that he got this very wrong...spending all his money on an unplanned holiday for just some of his kids and then not being able to participate in a planned holiday?

Nope he thinks it's fine. He will manage and just stay at the villa and I can still g out. Answer about money is he can't magic it from nowhere

I'm sorry I read my earlier comment back and it came across really snotty and it wasn't meant to! (I was rushing this morning)

What I meant was that he's expecting you to pick up the slack and stropping when you (rightly) don't.

There is a thing about financial abuse, but what you're doing definitely isn't abuse of any kind. Adults have to sort shit for themselves, your man included, and it sounds like he's majorly taking the piss.

So because you didn’t prop him up in parenting his other dc (aka do it for him) it showed his ineptitude - he just throws cash at it.

He’a a knob but not unlike many inept dads.

Can he see why you are angry? Can he see how his lazy parenting has left you three high and dry?

Seems like you are part of a team but he does his own thing.

That’s kind of why I divorced my exH.

If he can’t see this then I would be seriously considering my relationship.

Maybe while you are away, have a think about things.

But he’s paying/payed for a ‘lads’ holiday later in the summer?

No way would I be paying/contributing to his portion of the family holiday.

His attitude stinks - and yes, he is punishing you for being difficult. & yes he will guilt trip you into paying for his stuff on the holiday. You’re hardly going to go out for lunch/dinner and leave him in the villa with a frozen pizza. Bad atmosphere.

If you can, change the booking. Take your DM/sibling.

Given that this is a gift and a holiday I am really embarrassed for you, OP. Really embarrassed. If you pick up the slack again your are telling him you accept this behaviour. And it’s quite possible he is punishing you for not caring for his dc in the hols (maybe now you’ve pushed a baby out of your vag you’re little more than a walking domestic appliance rather than a woman with feelings).

It’s really got to be better that he stays home. He’s a man child and needs to be treated as such.

Tell your family exactly what had happened. They’ll probably be embarrassed for you and so it’s best for everyone he stays home.

Have a nice break and really think about whether this man is In Your Corner.

Nope he thinks it's fine. He will manage and just stay at the villa and I can still g out. Answer about money is he can't magic it from nowhere

He doesn’t really believe this though. Just like he didn’t believe that having the kids wouldn’t impact you at all. He said that to make you agree then turned on you and tried to make you feel guilty when he realised you weren’t going to pick up all the slack.

He’s banking on you being a pushover and paying for things because you’ll feel bad about leaving him in the appartment.

I dunno tbh just feel sad was really looking forward to going away

"on mn you get told your financially abusive if you earn more but refuse to pay for everything for your partner!"

Only in scenarios where the lower earning partner is pulling their weight in other ways e.g. sahp/part time due to childcare responsibilities, they do more household chores etc.

You're not financially abusive for refusing to enable a cocklodger.

He knowingly spent his holiday money (if he'd saved any in the first place) because he knows you will bail him out...probably relying on emotional blackmail and guilt tripping.

Regards cooking, he has no excuse. He can LEARN to cook!

Well today sucked. Ive just asked him to leave, not over this.

Just had a hideous tax bill too. Joyous day.

Spanglyprincess1 and for you.

I'm sorry you're having such a shit time.

I’m sorry Spangly.

How are you doing?