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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Wicked witch today

126 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 18/04/2019 14:48

Long - sorry.
I work from home most of the time. We have a son together and dps older 3 40%,after mediation and court. The contact is agreed after 3 months of arguments. We have Feb half term. Two weeks summer and October half term. We had to fight to get this agreed as there her kids, her words and she has first choice when she wants them.
Exw childcare fell through for Easter and dp, with no discussion or conversation with me has had the children an extra week. Np if at weekends though not ideal but it's all weekdays, he works and I work and he's arranged no childcare outside of the home or even discussed it with me. The kids are at primary so all need supervision.
I was seriously cross, livid in fact, as its almost impossible for me to work with them here and my son, our son, is still in childcare so I can work. I said it was totally unreasonable not to even discuss it with me first (I've taken annual leave for the other weeks, we have them in school holidays). He said it doesn't effect or impact me at all, so it didn't matter and he's made an executive decision that he can do what he wants(exact words) . It bloody does! I said fine but he was responsible for everything then as it was insulting to say that.
I've had to work from my mom's house all week meaning earlier starts everyday, I've refused to cook or tidy or so anything outside of my normal routine -as according to him it didn't effect me at all if they are here.
I've still been nice eg watch films and given them. Their easter eggs etc.
He's now angry at me as I'm being ridiculous, but I'm so cross that he didn't even have the common courtesy to. Speak to me about something which impacts our working week and expected me to be the one to make all the adjustments. I usually do all the breakfast, all the other meals, everything when they are here - so I think he's felt the full stress of actually looking after them. He's also freaking out now as he's been unable to. Work all week so low on money, again his own fault. He asked me to help out and I said no, as I wasn't consulted and it didn't effect me.
He's just had a massive go at me for being selfish and not helping.
I know he thinks I'm a Wicked witch but I'm sick of being taken for granted!

OP posts:
Order654 · 18/04/2019 19:49

You have 100% done the right thing.

It’s actually nice to see a women on here have a backbone and say no to there oh when it comes to the donkey work involving the step kids

Youseethethingis · 18/04/2019 19:53

Well done OP. By hook or by crook this silly selfish man will learn his lesson. But if he doesn’t, he might well find out how far you actually can remove yourself from the situation. Taking your partner for granted and disrespecting them like this is corrosive to a relationship over time. Stay strong 💪🏻

NWQM · 18/04/2019 19:54

You don't sound like you have been unfair at all. Just clear.

Six weeks holiday arrangement is shall we say interesting. If childcare has fallen through why aren't the parents doing a week each?

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 18/04/2019 20:18

I have no idea, it isn't up to me to get involved. The ironic thing is those are the weeks we offered to have them as initall wanted half holidays but she refused. The childcare was her parents the kids grandparents rather than clbs etc

OP posts:
Songbird232018 · 18/04/2019 22:06

I think some dads do just forget that it isn't a normal situation to have step kids extra without discussion. My partner tried to arrange me to have his 3 kids for one full week in the summer holidays as I was odd on maternity leave anyway so 'I was off' I said no way as he works nights and I wasnt being responsible for 3 extra kids as well as a brand new baby I was getting used too. Once i explained he understood but he generally just thought it would be fine.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 18/04/2019 22:09

Been there with matt leave too we had a chat after that about me not coping with 4 kids by myself esp as I had a lot of surgery post birth due to complications.
Thought he'd got it.. But no..

OP posts:
NerdyBird · 18/04/2019 22:37

Yes, a few weeks after DD was born my DH admitted he'd not only forgotten how hard it is having a baby but that it wasn't my third like it was his. He also occasionally forgets I'm not the older ones' mum too I think.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 18/04/2019 22:40

My dp. Said that too!!

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 18/04/2019 23:02

He said it doesn't effect or impact me at all, so it didn't matter and he's made an executive decision that he can do what he wants

What a twatty thing to say! Does he think he’s your boss or something? Executive decision. What a tool!

I’d also question why you do all the meals and everything for his kids when they’re there. You both work. What does he actually do?

He sounds very selfish & still won’t admit he’s wrong. He’s hoping you’ll back down if he keeps repeating how mean and selfish you’re being that next time you won’t bother tying to stand up for yourself.

SandyY2K · 18/04/2019 23:14

He’s hoping you’ll back down if he keeps repeating how mean and selfish you’re being that next time you won’t bother tying to stand up for yourself

Exactly.

I'd say, as you've made an executive decision and it won't affect or impact me, do get on with it in it's entirety.

So very refreshing to see a thread, where the SM actually leaves him to it.

LatentPhase · 19/04/2019 08:40

So nice to see a woman with a backbone, OP - I salute you!

His actions and words scream: your existence is to make my life easier

Sod that for a game of soldiers.

I would be having that out with him, but that’s just me.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 19/04/2019 13:35

We are fine now as the weeks over. They are here next week but normal scheduled days, so that is no problem and I think. We're taking them to the zoo.
He agrees the extra fortnight over the summer holidays being asked for by exw due to her childcare falling through on her weeks can't be covered by us due to. Work commitments, as he can't afford not. To. Work and I've already used my leave for the weeks we have them in the summer already and in October half-term plus. Christmas.
He hasn't actually told exw yet despite it just needing a short message saying thank you, we cant do this due to work. So we will see!!

OP posts:
Weenurse · 20/04/2019 06:30

Good luck going forward

SandyY2K · 20/04/2019 22:51

I've already used my leave for the weeks we have them in the summer already and in October half-term plus.

You're good.
How many stepfathers would do this?

It seems to me that stepmothers draw the short straw in blended families.

OP, if you were not with your DP, would he not be able to have his DC in the summer or half-term?

It seems you being in his life, enables him to see his DC as much as he does.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 21/04/2019 06:49

No he has leave too. I have no idea ref seeing them as much, I know he has them more overnights now but we did court etc.
He really loves he kids n tries his hardest, I don't mind taking leave so we can do family things. My son, their half brother is only an infant but he lights up when he sees his siblings so it's worry the effort.

OP posts:
Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 21/04/2019 06:49

.. Worth stupid phone!

OP posts:
CantStopMeNow · 24/04/2019 19:38

I usually do all the breakfast, all the other meals, everything when they are here - so I think he's felt the full stress of actually looking after them.
Well you need to stop doing it all for them - HE should be doing it all or at least half!

He sees you as convenient childcare and housekeeper for him and his kids - no wonder his attitude towards you stinks!

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 24/04/2019 20:38

He does the tidying. He just honestly can't cook so it's that or they live of burnt pizza. Which I do make him sort but they need some. Vitimins in a week

OP posts:
Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 25/04/2019 07:31

Ffs I'm so angry today. We had a holiday booked with my family since last year for in two weeks time. It was my parents gift to us when baby was born, they paid for accommodation and I paid for flights for all of us.
Dp has now said due to him. Not being able to work over Easter as he had his children more and spent a lot on them (didn't cook as no time so got take out etc, spend 100s on an activity for the oldest only as he likes it etc which wasn't pre booked). He now bas no money to take on holiday.
What on earth am. I supossed to do? I haven't saved enough for us all as I was saving for me and baby and he was taking his own spending money.
I'm really angry and I think it's reasonable that I am!

OP posts:
InTheHeatofLisbon · 25/04/2019 07:42

I think it's entirely reasonable that you're really angry.

Is he trying to make a point do you think? Because he sounds pretty incapable, but I refuse to believe any adult/parent is really as incapable as he makes out he is.

MintyT · 25/04/2019 07:56

You go with the baby, it seems like when he had the children he just "had" them rather than "looked after them, cooking isn't hard, and spending loads of money to entertain them is lazy. Just being at home, cooking together, making rice crispy cakes, washing the car, watching the tv together is not expensive. Make s stand go on holiday

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 25/04/2019 07:57

I'm tempted to tell him to stay behind if he can't be bothered. I can drive the hire car myself as I'm more than capable.
He's had 10 months to put away something for this trip, even 30 quid a month and that gives u a reasonable enough amount of spending money for a week.
I've saved despite having a lot of bills, going on holiday in between and being on maternity leave for all but 3 months of the time.

OP posts:
Youseethethingis · 25/04/2019 07:57

Oh my goodness, this man really is very trying. You shouldn’t be asking “what am I going to do?” You should be asking him what HE is going to do. Like everything else he unilaterally decides to do, it “doesn’t affect you”, because you have saved your money. You are not the one with the problem. Don’t make it your problem.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 25/04/2019 07:59

But it is my problem, I'm not a monster I can't see him starve or stay at the villa alone while everyone else goes out and sees the sites or goes for food.
Were self catering so he will need some money

OP posts:
InTheHeatofLisbon · 25/04/2019 08:08

I'd leave him home then. It sounds very much like he's not bothered to save at all because he's banking on using your money while you're all away.

If his actions (or inactions) never have consequences, he's never going to change is he?

He didn't consider you with childcare, he made an "executive decision" (there aren't enough eyerolls in the world for that little gem), and has claimed having HIS kids doesn't affect you, yet can't do what you do without getting stressed out, and hasn't bothered in 10 months to save anything towards the holiday?

From what you've written, he sounds spectacularly selfish and shows a staggering lack of consideration for you.

Why should you fund his holiday? Why should you pick up the slack for his responsibilities? You shouldn't. But you do, which is why he does what he does. Because he knows fine he can get away with it.