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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Wicked witch today

126 replies

Spanglyprincess1 · 18/04/2019 14:48

Long - sorry.
I work from home most of the time. We have a son together and dps older 3 40%,after mediation and court. The contact is agreed after 3 months of arguments. We have Feb half term. Two weeks summer and October half term. We had to fight to get this agreed as there her kids, her words and she has first choice when she wants them.
Exw childcare fell through for Easter and dp, with no discussion or conversation with me has had the children an extra week. Np if at weekends though not ideal but it's all weekdays, he works and I work and he's arranged no childcare outside of the home or even discussed it with me. The kids are at primary so all need supervision.
I was seriously cross, livid in fact, as its almost impossible for me to work with them here and my son, our son, is still in childcare so I can work. I said it was totally unreasonable not to even discuss it with me first (I've taken annual leave for the other weeks, we have them in school holidays). He said it doesn't effect or impact me at all, so it didn't matter and he's made an executive decision that he can do what he wants(exact words) . It bloody does! I said fine but he was responsible for everything then as it was insulting to say that.
I've had to work from my mom's house all week meaning earlier starts everyday, I've refused to cook or tidy or so anything outside of my normal routine -as according to him it didn't effect me at all if they are here.
I've still been nice eg watch films and given them. Their easter eggs etc.
He's now angry at me as I'm being ridiculous, but I'm so cross that he didn't even have the common courtesy to. Speak to me about something which impacts our working week and expected me to be the one to make all the adjustments. I usually do all the breakfast, all the other meals, everything when they are here - so I think he's felt the full stress of actually looking after them. He's also freaking out now as he's been unable to. Work all week so low on money, again his own fault. He asked me to help out and I said no, as I wasn't consulted and it didn't effect me.
He's just had a massive go at me for being selfish and not helping.
I know he thinks I'm a Wicked witch but I'm sick of being taken for granted!

OP posts:
Magda72 · 18/04/2019 15:02

Oh Spangly - you poor thing. There must be something with the moon this week as this board seems to be full of dad's acting like idiots - jumping to please ex partners & expecting their dps to shoulder the childcare without consultation!
I've no real advice bar saying you did the right thing in refusing to help.
If he'd bothered to consult you you could have worked out a system between you.
You haven't been selfish & you're not being ridiculous. Stand your ground.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 18/04/2019 15:10

Thank you. I've had a stressful week at work and dp is working away the next two weekends.
I just honestly think it's so selfish and unfair to agree to something without discussing it with your partner - we could have come to an aggremnt or I could have taken annual leave or anything but not with less than 48hrs notice . For example I'm going out one weekend with a friend. I asked dp a month in advance if it was okay for him to have baby before making arrnagnents - and that's for his biological child
If it had been an extra sat or Sunday at least it wouldn't have been as bad as I'd have been off work and could have planned something nice like a day out somewhere.

What makes it worse is, he was so stressed at work I took time off so I could cover childcare on his days eg pick up drop. Offs etc last week so he could work. But suddenly he has all the free time in the world at the drop of a hat.

OP posts:
chilling19 · 18/04/2019 15:17

This happened to me with an ex years ago. After a massive row he had to get his mum to do childcare as a result and never did it again. All these years later, I am still amazed at the sense of entitlement he had.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 18/04/2019 15:19

What's more bizarre though he is really means it, he can't see what I do when they are here or that I'm not being unreasonable!

OP posts:
Magda72 · 18/04/2019 15:39

@Spangly my dp said to me last night that I'll never understand how difficult life is for him as he doesn't see his dc everyday! I pointed out that while I am the rp in my situation I still don't get to see my kids everyday & that I also had to get used to my kids coming home from their dad's full of all the stuff they did with dad's gf who was the ow!
The point I was trying to make to him is what's done is done & no one has it better than anyone else in separation/divorce/blending. It's bloody hard on everyone & we have to make the best of it.
It never cease to amaze me how many nr dads seem to think that they & their kids have it so much worse than everyone else to the extent that they seem to become desensitised to the feelings of everyone else - their partners, their new bio kids (if they have any) & their sdc (if they have any). It's like they believe the kids of the 'first family' have some god given right to priority and because of this they allow their exes a ridiculous amount of power.
I don't know why this is so & why some men are so susceptible to this. I do truly get how hard it is not living ft with your kids but that's the consequence of divorce & surely most men know going into divorce/separation that the kids are going to have to live somewhere & most times it's with their dm for the majority of the time so why does it come as such a shock to them???
My own exh could not understand why I wouldn't let him come & go into the family home to see his kids whenever he wished! This was after he'd moved out! I honestly don't know what the majority of them think the outcome of divorce is going to be & I wonder do they actually give it proper consideration at all.

SandyY2K · 18/04/2019 15:42

You did the right thing. He said it wouldn't affect you....and maybe now he'll see it would have.

Next time he wont do it without consulting you.

Good on you.

SandyY2K · 18/04/2019 15:44

How can he have a go at you for not helping...if it wouldn't affect you. Silly man.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 18/04/2019 16:00

The issue isn't him wanting to see them it completely isn't, totally understand that he loves them. But if he has to work to pay for thing like their maintenance, food and bills and can't spend time with them, then it isn't fair on them or on me.

OP posts:
Hanab · 18/04/2019 16:04

🌷 it ain’t easy .. hope he sees the difficulties involved .

PepsiLola · 18/04/2019 16:04

He was taking you for granted and you've shown him not to! Well done if anything and I hope he'll learn a lesson

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 18/04/2019 16:34

Whole things just made me a bit sad tbh as I hate arguing.
Thanks everyone, I was starting to waver a bit about if I was being unreasonable

OP posts:
sadkoala · 18/04/2019 16:36

Has he acknowledged at all that he is/was in the wrong?

Make sure you point out to him that he did say it won't affect you at all and ask how he imagined it would have worked then since he has already asked you for help?

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 18/04/2019 16:57

What he needs to learn from all this is that he was wrong,it does affect you and you should definitely have a say. Has he acknowledged that at all or just kept to the "poor me,you made my life so difficult for a week" routine?

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 18/04/2019 17:08

Correct guess. The poor me you've made my life difficult. Including just... 'Your being deliberately unhelpful I asked you(aka me) to have the kids for a few hours after you finished work so I could work and then go to bed at a reasonable time and be safe to drive. You (aka me) just said no'
BTW I said no as I had work at 5am the next day and he didn't need to drive anywhere he just wanted to go out.

OP posts:
YourSarcasmIsDripping · 18/04/2019 17:28

To which you should've said "but you said this doesn't affect me at all. Having them would've affected me/my routine. You can't have it both ways. It ether affects me and I should be consulted when you make decisions like this, or it doesn't and it's all entirely up to you."

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 18/04/2019 17:32

I did follow up with that. Apparently that's me being stroppy and unfair and punishing kids.

OP posts:
NerdyBird · 18/04/2019 17:46

You did the right thing. Keep on with spelling it out to him and it might sink in.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 18/04/2019 17:51

Thanks. I just worry as I don't want kids to feel unwelcome because of dp actions.
Dps going on holiday for a week in June with friends without me and kids - which isn't an issue as I've pre booked leave - so I'm not horrible to him.

OP posts:
woolduvet · 18/04/2019 18:13

I'd be raising the fact that you have an agreement with the exw re his children and you two need an agreement too to avoid this again
Eg any changes to visits to be agreed by both of you.
Extra housework to be shared etc

BlueSkyBurningBright · 18/04/2019 18:24

Good for you! stick to your guns. He will realise that next time he thinks about making an 'executive decision' that it will impact him significantly if he does not discuss it with you.

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 18/04/2019 18:52

He doesn't get it then.

Either because it hasn't sunk in while he's too busy feeling sorry for himself.

Or because he doesn't want to, because he just expects you to pick up the slack and anything less it's you being mean and not doing your "duty".

First one can be worked with, the second one..not so much

YourSarcasmIsDripping · 18/04/2019 18:54

He doesn't get it then.

Either because it hasn't sunk in while he's too busy feeling sorry for himself.

Or because he doesn't want to, because he just expects you to pick up the slack and anything less it's you being mean and not doing your "duty".

First one can be worked with, the second one..not so much.

swingofthings · 18/04/2019 19:05

You did the right thing. If you hadn't acted as you have it would have happened again and again. It is now up to him to do it in the future, letting you know, but having to do al the hard work with the impact on his finances.

Original poster
Spanglyprincess1 · 18/04/2019 19:10

Agreed. Her childcare apparently has fallen through in school holidays, or more likely doesn't wnat to have to pay for. It (I'm a cynic), and she wants us to have them 4 weeks out of six, he's working away two of the weekends and I'm at work two of the weeks. The original two weeks I've booked annual leave for and we're taking them away.
...... We will see, I've said it's okay to have them but I will be at work and providing no childcare as I can't and our son is in paid childcare those weeks for that reason. If he wants to and can afford to, take it off work that's up to him.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 18/04/2019 19:13

He can't have it both ways. He either acknowledges it does affect you and next time consults you, or he continues to say it doesn't affect you and you leave him to it. 100%.

He was planning for the kids to be with you at home. I presume you'd have to feed them and generally sort them out, but he insists it doesn't affect you...fine the only way for it to penetrate his skull, is to stick to what you're doing.

He should actually be apologising and thanking you for everything you did for them, as he now realises how helpful you've been.

If he insists on being a stubborn goat... do not relent, otherwise be will revert and not show you the appropriate respect.

I very much admire your stance, because I read a lot of this on here, but the stepmums complain, yet still look after the SC, when their OH doesn't consult them....which leads to it happening again.

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